A
male
age
36-40,
*orrrywart
writes:Insecure Of Girlfriend's sexual pastI believe I have retroactive jealousy. I am in a 2 year relationship. I work with my girlfriend and we had unprotected sex on the first official date. I said no to the first time we almost had sex due to the concern that we work together. It felt so easy at the time and I just couldn't believe how easy she was. I knew her from work and asked her out. One thing led to another. I insisted on a condom and she said she finds it very irritating to her vagina.I insisted quite a bit to wear a condom. We did it despite my reservations without a condom. She told me that she had a one night stand before me (unprotected sex) but was tested and everything was o.k. I was really surprised how quick things moved with this girl, usually I have dated girls for a few weeks or months before moving to sex. I realised we had things in common as the relationship progressed. I was very vulnerable as I have been single for some time. I just wanted her to like me. I really wanted to make a good impression on her because I liked her. I fell in love very quickly as I couldn't believe how good I felt when i was around her. Then the dreaded insecurity kicks in. Why did she have sex with me and this other guy so easily and be emotionally detached. If she did this with me, how many other guys did she screw?She had no inhibitions and I realised that she relied on her sexual confidence to get into a relationship. which turned me off a bit. I am in love with her and see myself married and commited to her but something is dreadfully wrong. The ease of sex for her makes me feel like I was a hap-hazzard event that turned out O.k for her. But I really don't feel special at all. I feel that if she hadn't met me she may have been used or had sex with several guys before one would take the relationship seriously. The guy before me certainly didn't. I'm a really nice guy and very respectful to women and I feel like "good guys do finish last". I feel like I'm settling for second best at times. Then I get really confused as I have deep loving emotions and incredible passion for this girl. I do think about her and the sex she had with her one night stand (3 nights to be exact) She told me to cum on her face once and that turned me off. I felt that was imposed on her past sex experiences as this is really a male sexual perspective. Reminds me of porn stills.I think about how we met and what she did before me everyday and try to convince myself it doesn't matter but i can't get passed it. I can't see myself being happy feeling like this. she is the only one that has been incredibly loving and accepting of me. This makes me feel like shit even more,as all I do is judge her. I know people have a sexual past but I found out about hers very quickly. Her past is really my present. she had a one night stand with one guy and slept with me on the first date. It doesn't make me feel worthwhile or special. I do feel like some random event.Please help me with good advice. It has been really difficult for me.
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condom, confidence, fell in love, her past, I work with, insecure, jealous, one night stand, porn, sexual past, unprotected sex, vagina Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
 Oops sorry, that quote was from duce00, not Yos.
A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
Oh boy, it's been a long time since I've had a chance to "argue" with Yos on this subject. ;)
"Great question and very interesting responses. This is all very intellectually stimulating but I believe that it could be simplified into...find your equal. If you have a history of promiscuous sex then a woman with the same history should not bother you and vise versa."
I believe that would make things a lot easier and would get rid of a lot of the questions on this subject. However, it is not very practical. The first problem is how do you find out how many partners she has had? You could ask at the beginning of the first date, but that will probably get you a slap in the face and her leaving. Woman tended to tell me (without me asking) after we had slept together. Too late now. I just added one to my number. So after a a number of tries, I raise my number from 3 to 10. I dump all of them because their numbers were 30 or greater. Now I find someone and her number is 3. Hey, she would have been perfect, well before I raised my number to 10. Now she thinks I am a slut and dumps me.
Even if both of us have the same number of past partners, there is still a problem. I slept with 10 women, all after getting to know them and after a few dates. She slept with the same number, but most were the same night she met them at a bar. We still have a problem, she is cheap and easy and I am respectful and cautious. She is still not the woman I want.
I don't think there is a good answer to this. I think the only way is to do what you and I have done. We found good women with one serious defect in our minds. We have worked to accept their past behaviors. I don't know about you, Yos, but I am happy that I stayed with and married my former slut. She is not perfect, but neither am I. She is no longer that slut and has not been since we first dated. She still likes sex and is still a hot babe. It would have been easier if she hadn't been cheap and easy, but it would be a lot harder if she had only had one before me and wished she had done more or doesn't really like sex. She had more than she wishes and has no desire to discover what sex with someone else is like. She is very happy with our sex life.
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A
male
reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (3 November 2009):
I just found this question and haven't read many of the responses yet, but I will address a few things.
First is Gina's answer: "Her past is her past that should not be interfering on how you see her ............. Accept her for who she is none of us are perfect."
Gina is correct. However, it is not that easy. There are feelings to deal with, feelings that we can't make sense of, but are there anyway. Then there is what we were taught as teens and young adults about promiscuous (even slightly) women and perhaps men. Those teachings are difficult to overcome and repress, even if we see faults in them.
You said, "I'm a really nice guy and very respectful to women and I feel like "good guys do finish last"."
You might well be the last guy to have sex with her, but that just means that you are the eventual winner, not last. My wife had sex with 10 or 12 guys before me, but I am the only one having sex with her for the past 30 years. She wanted to sleep with me on the first date, but I made no move to do so. She said I was the first who didn't and it meant something to her. All the others thought it was their right. So was I a sucker for not getting in her pants on the first date or was my respect in the way I acted one of the things that has never made her ever want anyone else since we started dating?
She slept with guys because she wanted affection, was lonely and likes sex. does that make her a bad women? No. Besides, how many guys in their 60s have a wife who likes to have sex several times a week. There's something to be said for marrying that formerly promiscuous woman who jumped into bed a bit too easily.
I had a sexual relationship with 3 women after my wife and I divorced. All 3 wanted to sleep with me on the first date. All 3 were nice women and didn't act like sluts. One was just separated and was hungry for some affection and sex.
"The ease of sex for her makes me feel like I was a hap-hazzard event that turned out O.k for her. But I really don't feel special at all."
I know what you mean. I felt the same way many times. It does make you feel like just another screw for her. However, look at how many men marry women who don't like sex and then complain that they only have sex 3 or 4 times a year and are in their 40s or 50s. It's rare to have both, so which do you want?
"I feel like I'm settling for second best at times. Then I get really confused as I have deep loving emotions and incredible passion for this girl."
Again, I know what you mean. It does make a conflict in your mind and for your emotions. I don't know the answer to reconcile those feelings.
"She told me to cum on her face once and that turned me off. I felt that was imposed on her past sex experiences as this is really a male sexual perspective. Reminds me of porn stills."
There is a lot of stuff you see in porn that is fun and causes sex never to get boring. Be thankful that she is adventurous. My wife and I have done things seen in porn and it was the first time for both of us. We have done a lot of things together that neither of us had ever done with anyone else. Just because she asked for it doesn't mean she has done it before. It might just be a fantasy that she has had and thought enough of you to try it with you.
Read those discussions that Yos has linked to. There were some good discussions there. A lot of women (and men) act like sluts for a period in their lives, but are far from being sluts. They do it after a bad and failed relationship or when they are unhappy and depressed or feel like they will never find the right person. The majority never desire that life again once they find the right person to settle down with.
I do have a question. Your age is shown as early 40s. What is her age? Are you really early 40s? If she is that age, I am surprised that she has not either had more partners or has been previously married.
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A
male
reader, Markingbad  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 This term "retroactive jealousy" is nothing more than plain old jealousy. Retroactive means applying or referring to the past. And its hard to be jealouse of the future.
Whenever a guy says he's a "nice guy" he is only giving his own opinion of himself. So for starters he's proven he is arrogant. There is more to being nice than being inhibited. The sexually inexperienced guy is not automatically nice. A guy who can be persuaded to have unprotected sex is an idiot. Do you really believe that a woman who takes such risks would bother to be checked for std's. She's more likelly to be wanting a baby by some mug.
Quote. "
I realised we had things in common as the relationship progressed. I was very vulnerable as I have been single for some time. I just wanted her to like me. I really wanted to make a good impression on her because I liked her."
Oh my oh my.
We are are vulnerable arent we ? You sound like a big girls blouse.
However.
Yes you could find yourself with an std or having to pay maintainance for a child by this woman. And no doubt a dna check. Dont know how much that costs but i doubt its cheap.
No doubt you will blame her if that happens but why didnt you just put a condom on. You dont ask mate. Just put one on ffs.
You said.
I'm a really nice guy and very respectful to women and I feel like "good guys do finish last".
Oh poor me. Nobodys forcing you to finish last.
And you dont seem to respect the woman your with very much. Dont bother trying to say you love her so will stay with her. You may need her but you dont love her. You will only stay with her for the same reason you had unprotected sex. You havent got the brains you were born with. You havent got the balls to accept her for who she is. You havent got the balls to end it with her. You know there are only two choices here. Stay and deal with your jealousy. Or go. Dont be an ass and stick with her then torture the poor woman for your own problems.
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A
male
reader, duce00 + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 Many praise from the testosterone club on that one Blatant Disregard! The only problem I see is that both the men and women I have seen who are sexually loose are also bad with money or are extremely consumed with they're status in these areas. Its all about that desire for MORE. Pretty easy to spot once you have seen it a few times.
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reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (30 October 2009):
 "I'd like to propose a deal with women: We men won't ask about your past sex life if you won't ever ask about our career/schooling/wealth/debt situation."
Well said!
If an issue is important to her, it's ok to investigate. If an issue is important to him, he has to justify the issue in a female court, and be called "insecure, jealous, or immature". His career, wealth, debt, schooling are personal choices that he made before he met her. Does that line sound familiar?
A woman's right to do whatever she wants does not magically negate my right to form an opinion of her actions.
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male
reader, Markingbad +, writes (29 October 2009):
100 years ago, this was certainly not the case. Back then, any man who felt what you are feeling would have simply be regarded as normal, and to downplay the importance of her sexual history would have been regarded as flippant.
This generation didnt invent sex you know. Even in victorian times it happened. Just wasnt talked about. Its the oldest profession. Even the romans enjoyed orgys.
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reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (29 October 2009):
"I'd like to propose a deal with women: We men won't ask about your past sex life if you won't ever ask about our career/schooling/wealth/debt situation.Surely you'd be willing to marry us without knowing anything, since the past is the past, and people can always change anyway . . . right?"LOL. So true. Very well said poster.
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reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (29 October 2009):
I'm not sure if "insecure" is really the right word for what you're experiencing. To be honest, "disgusted" or "put-off" might more accurately describe how you actually feel. See, in our modern, politically correct era, we males are taught to believe that any concern we may have with our partner's sexual history is indicative of an inherent "insecurity" or "immaturity" on our part, and that the issue lies with us, not them. 100 years ago, this was certainly not the case. Back then, any man who felt what you are feeling would have simply be regarded as normal, and to downplay the importance of her sexual history would have been regarded as flippant. Nobody would have any respect for a man who chose some Messalina-like whore as his spouse. Any man who would even consider taking on a wife with even a few pre-marital partners would have been the laughing stock of the village and he would have been looked upon as having no standards. Indeed, times have change drastically, and it is by and large unreasonable to expect a virgin nowadays, or even something close to it. But that doesn't mean that a man shouldn't still have standards about what he regards as an appropriate way for the future mother of his children to conduct herself. Don't believe any of the crap that the other people tell you, the more partners she has given her self to, the less special it makes the sex with you. It's simple economics. When something is scarce, it is valuable. If it is given away too freely, it become less desirable. It also hurts you because find it somewhat emasculating. As the man in the relationship, deep down you know that you should be the stronger, dominant one with more sexual experience and a higher "score". (Here come the feminists!) I'd venture to guess that the overwhelming majority of the men who have issues with their girlfriend or wife's past have less experience than their partners numbers-wise. My advice to you is to let this one go. Trust me, it isn't an issue that goes away. It only gets worse the more serious the relationship becomes, as you start to develop stronger feelings for her. It'll never sit right with you no matter how hard you try to make it. Listen to what duce00 suggests. Find your equal, live your life by your principles and never compromise. Especially not on who you make your life partner.
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A
male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (29 October 2009):
I'm not sure if "insecure" is really the right word for what you're experiencing. To be honest, "disgusted" or "put-off" might more accurately describe how you actually feel. See, in our modern, politically correct era, we males are taught to believe that any concern we may have with our partner's sexual history is indicative of an inherent "insecurity" or "immaturity" on our part, and that the issue lies with us, not them. 100 years ago, this was certainly not the case. Back then, any man who felt what you are feeling would have simply be regarded as normal, and to downplay the importance of her sexual history would have been regarded as flippant. Nobody would have any respect for a man who chose some Messalina-like whore as his spouse. Any man who would even consider taking on a wife with even a few pre-marital partners would have been the laughing stock of the village and he would have been looked upon as having no standards. Indeed, times have change drastically, and it is by and large unreasonable to expect a virgin nowadays, or even something close to it. But that doesn't mean that a man shouldn't still have standards about what he regards as an appropriate way for the future mother of his children to conduct herself. Don't believe any of the crap that the other people tell you, the more partners she has given her self to, the less special it makes the sex with you. It's simple economics. When something is scarce, it is valuable. If it is given away too freely, it become less desirable. It also hurts you because find it somewhat emasculating. As the man in the relationship, deep down you know that you should be the stronger, dominant one with more sexual experience and a higher "score". (Here come the feminists!) I'd venture to guess that the overwhelming majority of the men who have issues with their girlfriend or wife's past have less experience than their partners numbers-wise. My advice to you is to let this one go. Trust me, it isn't an issue that goes away. It only gets worse the more serious the relationship becomes, as you start to develop stronger feelings for her. It'll never sit right with you no matter how hard you try to make it. Listen to what duce00 suggests. Find your equal, live your life by your principles and never compromise. Especially not on who you make your life partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): I'd like to propose a deal with women: We men won't ask about your past sex life if you won't ever ask about our career/schooling/wealth/debt situation.
Surely you'd be willing to marry us without knowing anything, since the past is the past, and people can always change anyway . . . right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): her past is her past and i say let it be. at the end of the day she is who she is and there is nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
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male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (29 October 2009):
 "Honestly, I think that's what it is for some men. Just a good old fashioned eeewww!"
I completely agree. At some point for most guys a woman's sexual behaviour passes a certain line and we just feel revolted! No reason to be disrespectful to them because of it, that's not ok! But you can't help feeling a bit 'ewww' about it and you certainly don't want to have anything to do with them sexually. Well, correction, you 'might' just be willing to have a one night stand (with lots of protection) but that's it. But certainly not girlfriend material. Guy logic...
The problem really occurs when this happens with someone you are in love with. At that point you can see obsessive, controlling and jealous behaviour and a great deal of pain. And then you start to see all sorts of contorted rationalizations about why its 'ok' to feel or think a certain way. When it happened to me my thoughts started to get so bent out of shape I began to wonder if i was going crazy! In a way I was, albeit in a particular area of my life only and for a very specific reason.
I guess you could say it's trying to come to terms with extreme contradictory feelings: love pulling you towards someone and the 'eeewwww' reaction towards that person's sexual history pushing you away. It's easy to stay stuck in the middle being stretched like some unfortunate mediaeval prisoner on the rack.
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reader, duce00 + ♥, writes (28 October 2009):
Great question and very interesting responses. This is all very intellectually stimulating but I believe that it could be simplified into...find your equal. If you have a history of promiscuous sex then a woman with the same history should not bother you and vise versa.
I think that that initial "eewwwwwww" response to how a woman has conducted herself sexually is something that should not be second guessed so much. Its ok to choose who you want to be with, and the operative word being CHOOSE. We have choices and that I believe is the underlying issue. I think alot of men (and I have done it myself I admit) compromise themselves because secretly they feel that they do not have many choices in the women they can find. This leads to the dreaded "settling for what you have". We are not living on desert islands folks, where the choices of viable women are limited to ONE.
The other underlying issue is plain old self confidence. It takes confidence to say "I don't like this and I wont be a part of it" knowing that you will be on your own until you find a woman that you can say "I love her and I want to be with her" without reservations.
I believe that women can sense when a man is in control of himself and is confident in the choices he makes. I also believe that women find this attractive. I have found this to be true in my own experience and I bet you will too.
So make YOUR choices and be true to yourself. Dont compromise and dont criticize because it is a waste of time. Live YOUR life by YOUR principals and seek a woman that YOU admire.
Carpe Diem!
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A
male
reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (28 October 2009):
Yos, I really can't disagree with your post. Makes a lot of sense, actually. But can I propose that for some men, without benefit of "moral smokescreen" we just step back, look at the situation, and simply say "That's Gross".Honestly, I think that's what it is for some men. Just a good old fashioned eeewww!
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reader, Yos + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
"It has a lot to do with my standards, morals etc and my ideas of sex and the sacredness it can hold. Adjusting or accepting anything very different from these is extremely challenging."
People talk a lot about morality in this situation. Very similar to what you are saying. Things like 'our values are different', and 'I think of sex as something special, not to be given away too easily' and so on.
I've been in your situation and have talked to many men having the same issue and I've become convinced that talking about morality is actually a smokescreen. It's a way to rationalize your feelings, to feel justified about them. It's not really morality at all that you're clinging on to, but rather the need to feel that you have good reasons for feeling how you are feeling. I have difficult news for you: it's not your morals and standards that you are finding challenging to 'adjust': it's only your horribly unpleasant feelings forcing you to come up with an excuse that you think sounds reasonable to yourself.
You probably don't want to accept this. It took me 6 months to realize and come to terms with it. But consider this: at the foundation of ALL moral codes and religions is the same primary instruction: compassion and forgiveness. Above all else, morality tells us to accept others, forgive their 'sins' and treat them as equals.
Do you think you are doing this with your girlfriend?
No, you are not. You are neither forgiving her or seeing her as equal to you.
You are using the excuse of 'morality' as an excuse to think of her as somehow 'less-than', or 'worse than you'. You are labelling her as a 'slut' and in doing so you are being the opposite of moral and sacred.
I suggest watching this short lecture, she makes the point more persuasively than I do:
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/karen_armstrong_let_s_revive_the_golden_rule.html
On a historical note: you might want to consider how our current morality has been partly inherited from Christian ethics that have for many hundreds of years been used as a means of control by men over women. It is very easy for us to slip into some of these internalized scripts that have been embedded in our culture and use them, as many generations of men have before us, to look down on and control women. Don't fall into the same trap.
The first step to getting over this is to recognize that you have to accept complete responsibility for how you feel, and to not place blame or judgment on your girlfriend. That includes not hanging onto any notion of you in some way having a moral high-ground. A moral high-ground is not moral at all.
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reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (27 October 2009):
QUOTE "I am tired of it's ok for a guy to be a slut but why is it different for a girl argument? I'm not a male slut so I don't understand that argument."Welcome to my world, pal. I've found the statement true that when women decide to act like men, they always act like the worst of men. Why they find it so easy to act like a man, but never like a gentleman, I'll never know.That's just the way it is, I guess. I know there are plenty of girls who didn't slut it, but I'll be damned if I can find one.
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reader, worrrywart +, writes (27 October 2009):
worrrywart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGlad to hear I'm not going crazy. I appreciate those who have responded. I still don't know how I'm going to get through this. It has a lot to do with my standards, morals etc and my ideas of sex and the sacredness it can hold. Adjusting or accepting anything very different from these is extremely challenging. I do believe only a guy in this situation would totally understand. I know women have gone through this too and I do understand. I don't hate women, just hate how things have turned out for me. I am tired of it's ok for a guy to be a slut but why is it different for a girl argument? I'm not a male slut so I don't understand that argument. Thank you all
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reader, Markingbad +, writes (27 October 2009):
Lets face it mate your not going to find a virgin at your age. At least your a "nice guy". Maybe if i hadnt been such a tart all my life i would had more female friends now instead of just memorys of debauchery. Nobodys ever called me a "nice guy".
:o( --- poor me.
Ok so she's been a bit of a slapper and you have been suckered in. Not what i would want for myself either mate. And you have morals so it must so painfull. I dont blame you for being thoroughly gutted but you can allways dump her cant you ?
But i know some of friends who are happily married to women who were sluts and they werent even pretty when they were young. And they are very happy even when they arent drinking. One went to Bangcock where he met and married a bar girl. He even brought her back to UK. He was very happy with her. He dont care about her past. He dont care about anybody. He's back in Broadmoor now but she visits him and has her own business thats raking it in. I dont know what she does.
Remember that theres one born every minute and theres allways somebody worse of than you. Who was nicer than you.
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male
reader, Yos + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Ouch, that blog is really toxic stuff. I guess it shows how twisted and resentful a man can get towards women when he lets this kind of issue get on top of him.
Despite that, he does have a point on some level. Namely that as we age the tables turn a bit and women start to look for men who are more stable, trustworthy and better 'providers'. This means that men who when younger would find it harder to attract women become more attractive and hence have more 'power' in the dating game. Unfortunately the writer of that blog has let resentment of his situation in his younger years build up so that he feels that new 'power' should be used to exact some kind of punishment on women now. The word for that is misogyny.
This article covers the alpha / beta male issues in some detail:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
You might be reassured to know that this is a very common issue, and is discussed here a lot. Here's some links to some of the better (imo) threads. Also you might want to check my post history and also Troubledtoomuch, we both have been through this and have posted many many times on it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-cope-with-my-husbands-reaction.html
In short the first thing you have to decide is whether you want to stay with her. If you do, then it is possible to get past this and deal with it. And it can work out well. But it will take time and perseverance.
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reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (27 October 2009):
All in good fun, anonymous. I found myself laughing and saying "that's terrible...but I kinda see his point". I guess men see the humor in it a lot more than the ladies do. Again, all in good fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Blatant Disregard, that blog you linked to made me shocked. I can not believe the level of immaturity and stupidity oozing from it. Sure it might be a good laugh, if you laugh at the person writing it and the extreme generalization of women. Not to mention it is sexist and discriminating.
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reader, Blatant Disregard +, writes (27 October 2009):
My buddy who reads my posts here sent me this link. It made me laugh out loud because it's basically the same thing I've been saying here. It even has a "slut dictionary" as the second post. Enjoy!
http://betagoesalpha.wordpress.com/
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reader, metalsman + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 Hi there Worrywart,
Sorry you're going through these feelings..it's a living hell, i know i'm in a similar predicament. If you'd care to drop me a line i'll gladly share my thoughts also on the matter.
Chlo, incidentally makes some good points from my perspective, and in this situation there's no real "Right's or Wrong's" just differences of standards and the way each of us are conditioned to it.
In the meantime look up some of the past posts by "Troubledtoomuch" and "Yos".
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 Her past is her past that should not be interfering on how you see her as she is presented to you now, so what if she did have a couple of guys before you i think that is the norm for most women going by your age i will assume she is the same?
You will destroy this relationship before it has a chance to begin if you don't stop with this type of thinking.
Why not embrace what you have with her now, you say you would like to marry her so if she is good enough for you to marry then she is good enough to be accepted by you warts and all!
It does not make her less of a woman cause she has had a few sexual partners before you, i would imagine at your age it would be very hard to find virgin ladies that are the same age as you.
Most folk when they get to this age have had a past, married, living with someone etc: so please dont be judging her too harshly, after all she is not doing that with you.
Accept her for who she is none of us are perfect.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): What can I say, I understand your point of view. But also remember that you did agree to have sex with her before you were ready. Maybe you should have said no and stuck to your belief. However what is done is done. Talk to her and tell her that you felt you started off at the wrong end. I dont know how long you've been with this woman, but perhaps you could take some time off with no sex, and just get to know each other without that physical contact. Have a month or two with no sex, and then when you feel ready, you can be intimate again. I believe usually girls find themselves in the position you are in now. They get pressured into sex too quickly, and it's hard for a woman to understand that men can feel the same way. I dont think she realizes this is how you feel, because what we women have been brought up to learn is that all men want from us is sex. It could be she is insecure about herself and used sex to make you commit to her. Finally, do not tell her you judge her or look down at her for being so "easy". That will definitely hurt her deeply. But it's okay to have a different view on sex than she has. It's okay that you don't feel it is special. What you need to remember though is that sex between the two of you can not be compared to sex with her and others, or you and others. You have a bond between you two now, and care deeply for each other. Even if those first times didn't mean much to her or you, it matters a whole lot now, and thats what counts.
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A
female
reader, Chlo. +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about this girl's past. But then, this is why it is called a past... because it is gone, done with, and nothing can be changed. Has she learnt from these mistakes? Maybe, maybe not, but she is treating you with love and respect, and if that is what you desire of her, then she is fulfilling her role to you. However, if her sex drive is a little too high for you, or you feel she is still the same girl who thinks nothing of sex, maybe you are better reconsidering your relationship. This is simply a clash of morals. Don't make her feel bad about her past; she can't help it or change it, and you will only end up ruining her confidence. Maybe explain to her gently that it bothers you only because you do not want to become another 'guy in the past', and that you want to feel special in the relationship. If she can reassure you that you are, then it would seem that you're on to a winner. It maybe a good idea for you to suggest that you both to go together and get checked out for any sexually transmitted infections, just in case.
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