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I'm feeling pressure from family to date and mate and its starting to get to me!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 October 2015)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

(this may or may not be a long one so i'l just apologize in advance.)

i'll start by saying basically, in a nutshell, i've just graduated from college and was supposed to be on my way out of my parents house before my birthday. but due to a whole bunch of circumstances beyond my control i'm stuck here at my parents house for at least another year. i’ve just turned 23 (i know i’m young. please don’t tell me i’m young) and i love my family, plus i know they don’t want me to feel this way, but i feel stuck and i’ll feel stuck until i leave. and that’s affecting my dating life too. it’s practically nonexistent. i haven’t been in a relationship for several years and haven’t even had so much as even a hint that there could be someone interested. and i’ve lived in the same place my whole life and when you’ve been somewhere for a long time you start running into the same people, which has lead to me feeling like i’m not going to meet anyone here. which wouldn’t be so bad if i hadn’t put a time constraint on myself.

my mom had cancer a few years ago and it’s back. now my parents have sort of changed the conversation. they keep saying things like ‘parents want to be alive long enough to see their kids grow up and go on their own’ and stuff like that. not to mention they keep dropping the word ‘grandkids.’ they’re not forcing me and i don’t feel pressured per se, but who wouldn’t want their parents to meet their grandkids when they can? plus on top of that since she had cancer, a doctor told me that i should be screened ten years before he diagnosed year, which is 40. and i don’t want to have children after 30 because i wouldn’t want them any younger than 10 when i have to start thinking about this stuff… it’s a whole lot going on while trying to live my life by my own pace at the same time. and i mean i wouldn’t love to be married and having children; at the very least and more realistically i want to be in a relationship that’s at least got potential. not just cause i wanted to be in one for the sake of saying. i would love to have someone to care for and spoil and work towards our own goals and our goals together. its difficult to deal with when you feel like you have a lot of love you’d like to give someone; but not just anyone, someone special who you can have confidence that things will be reciprocated and you’re not just wasting time.

that’s why i’m skeptical about dating online. that and i’d feel kind of lame doing it. i mean i know my options are zero to none but i’ve tried the online route and it’s lead to a handful of dead ends and much more unanswered messages and the like. it’s kind of emotionally draining in itself to have that go just as nowhere as everything else. i don’t really know what kind of suggestions could come from this, but if anyone has an opinion or knows the feeling i’d like a bit of insight. how to deal with this paranoia about being alone/wasting time and/or this stuck feeling?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 October 2015):

Parents are expected to shake-up the nest and keep you thinking about your future and independence. They don't want you to become dependent or complacent; so they nag about grand-kids and such. You're taking this all too literally, and you're a little weary from over-thinking how you can please them. Just be decisive, productive, and mature. That helps.

Here's a dose of reality. You're an adult still living at home with your parents. They have total access to your life; and therefore they will continue behaving like parents.

You have to learn how to let things they say roll off your back; because they cannot plan out your life, nor tell you what to do. As long as your circumstance require you to live with them, they will annoy you with treating you like you're under their parental-guidance. You have to remind them you're an adult, and you are capable of making your own decisions. Then prove it.

You also have to convince yourself that you are an adult,and capable of taking care of yourself. It's not convincing when you still live at home. All they see is you've got circumstances you can't control by yourself. You still need them.

You are in their home, so respect is due. You should be doing everything possible to correct your financial situation and whatever other issues you have that force you to stay under their roof. Otherwise; learn to let the nagging go in one ear and out the other. Dates don't just materialize from a thought like magic. So focus on getting your finances in order. That's your first priority. Independence! Their nagging should be a great motivator.

Your mother was once in your situation. Ask her how she felt when her mother did that to her! She knows dates don't fall out of the sky, and she wouldn't want you to marry the first man who asks. They'll be all up in your business. It's hard to find dates living at home and you don't have the financial means to support yourself. So focus on that!

It's time you respectfully,but assertively, ask them to calm the rhetoric about your love-life. Say it like an adult, and they'll back-off. That's personal territory, and you're grown enough to ask them to stay out of it. You'll date, marry, and have children (if you want them); when time and circumstance directs you to that point in your destiny. Pressure doesn't have anything to do with it. It will only force you to make unwise decisions to suit them, not yourself. So put your foot down.

Even better, get a job and a roommate. Struggle if you have to. That's how you develop tools for survival.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom + , writes (30 October 2015):

Denizen agony auntDo you have any female friends? I think you need to cultivate a social life with the girls until your year in purdah is over.

The key to your developing a love life seems to depend on your leaving the nest.

Of course those of your girl friends who have partners are leery of unattached females joining their get-togethers so you need to be aware that if you sometimes feel rejected by them it isn't you, it's your marital/dating status.

Nevertheless you should be able to join girls night outs etc until you can get your own place, and start living your own life away from your parents.

Until then don't be drawn into a relationship that suits others and not you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

ok dont worry im not gonna tell you're young.

Anyway that lecture is usually that your still young enough to do such and such...be it bare your arms when theyre crinkly or throw a party when you think you're past it, so putting age aside i think we can put your problems into an order of importance.

I think the most important thing you mentioned is that your mum has cancer and whilst she is dealing with it she has started to think and talk about her own mortality and projected longevity.

Do you know what type of cancer it is and how aggressive its expected to be?

You might want to ask mum about this as she would possibly know ,but some people prefer not to know and certainly dont intend their youngsters to know.

I have a friend who got breast cancer when her son was young about 12yrs old and she determined not to let him know because she didnt want him to worry ,so she passed the hospital visit off as something else entirely.

Fortunately some years later she got the complete all clear and as her son is around your age now he probably knows all the details in the hope that it will allow him to be an understanding man to anyone else who goes through this.

By the way he is still financially constrained enough to be bedding at home in his room but it doesnt effect his sex appeal or life style, but then my friend believes its better for him to bring the girlfriend round for the night than to abandon the girlfriend elsewhere.

She,herself used to have to be in by 2am so she was often legging it across town at 1am which isnt advisable for a lone female in any era.

So the bit about being at home is typically not uncommon because its one of the few ways folk can help each other out when you consider the rip off scheme of renting.

I think mum is trying to project a positive attitude to you but its coming across in a way that is making you feel uneasy because it isnt practical because you cantjust develop a four year old for her to love and hold.

Mum is scared she is abandoning you if she doesnt stay positive enough to fight this off effectively.

Its not realistic particularly because the making of babies on your part is still a long way off and she needs to redefine it with shorter timelimes like "i intend to see the flowers come up in spring!"

Or "im determined to be on that cruise next August."

This would make it a lot easier for you to wish the same thing without feeling under pressure to suddenly drop a brood of younguns in her lap for her to look after.

As strange as it sounds mum wants to feel needed and useful so

ifmum is any good a knitting ask her to knit you a jumper,or to paint you a picture or to go to an art gallery if her health allows it.

Try tothink of mum and daughter activities that you can do for a short while every week even if its just watching a corny show or listening to jazz and asking her about the music she liked when she was young.

Keep it short because mums and daughters often snap at each other if they overstep each others boundaries too much.

And for yourself, well you are probably in the right place at the right time and it can only do mum good to see you every day even if you only say " would you like a cup of tea mum?"

Its enough.Believe me.

Slow down your anxieties about meeting the right man at this exact time.

Nature, the universe, has a way of guiding those things into place.

All you need to do is to project the idea of a tranquil and happy xmas.

You can suggest Mum books a holiday when this next crises is over andshe will pick up onthe idea of accessible attainable targets.

When she talks of being a granny,just say "Of course Mum ,one day, but not right now,in the future..."

She will be the first to agree.

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