A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I are home on break and have been having some serious conversations about our plans to marry when we graduate in two years. He is planning on getting a job in engineering and I will go to grad school most likely. My idea was to pick a grad school in a place we really like that has a nicer climate and lots to do, and he can get a job there and decide after a few years if that is where we want to be. The problem is he has no interest in going very far away and said that it scares him that I seem to want to move around so much. He says he wants to settle down and be able to commit to the company he chooses and move up the ladder. He does not want to be really far away from our families. Am I idealizing the idea of going to school in a different, warmer place, esp. if I would be risking our relationship.He is the love of my life and we have been together for nearly five years. What do I do? I am willing to compromise. I don't want to live without him and I don't want to postpone the wedding and go off to grad school and live without him. Thanks.
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (6 January 2008):
There isn't a "right" answer to your question of "What should I do?", and not even a "best" answer.
Regarding your relationship, the most important thing for you (and your B/F - or is he your fiance`, since you've decided to be married in 2 years?) to evaluate is HOW you go about determining what to do. This is an example of the kind of question that married people must face, and answer, several times during their marriage. It's in the same category as:
- Should we have a/another child?
- Should we move to a larger/smaller house?
- Should an elderly parent move in with us?
- Where should our kid(s) go to school?
- What medical measures should we pay for when a spouse/kid/parent is critically ill?
These are primarily financial questions. Has anybody told you that finances are as critical - or perhaps more critical - than sex in a marriage? That a marriage with "his money" and "her money" may not be a marriage at all, but a business partnership? That financial untrustworthiness is as destructive as sexual infidelity?
HOW you go about deciding what to do will probably affect your relationship more - or at least tell you more about your relationship - than WHAT you decide to do.
You two are faced with the problem of sorting out many competing values. You have your personality and your values; he has his personality and his values; and your marriage will - to some degree - have its own personality and values. The sacred writings of the Hebrews and Christians said that more succinctly in the phrase, "The two shall become one.".
You seem to value education. So do I; I was 51 when I finally completed a Master's degree (Electrical Engineering, if your guy is interested). I'd say that education is seldom wasted, and some people really belong in grad school. (I'm a bit upset because my daughter isn't in grad school!) You don't say whether your "grad school" is a Master's degree - seldom more than 18 months of full-time school - or a national certification in neurosurgery - easily a decade from where you are now.
Your B/F seems to value family. Will he value the family you establish as much as his family of origin? I regret that my own kids didn't have more exposure to their grandparents and cousins as they grew up. We always lived several hundred miles from relatives, so our kids met relatives only at holidays and perhaps a couple weeks in the summer.
You seem to value travel. Or is it just "a warmer place" that you want to experience? I was 30 years old before I realized that the U.S.A is NOT one big homogeneous place, but rather a collection of regional "nations". Read "The Nine Nations of North America" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nine_Nations_of_North_America . I'd argue over where the nations are, but the concept IS valid! Suburban Washington, D.C. sounded like a fun, exotic place to live - but after a few years I realized that I didn't care for any part of the East coast. As a college student you'll experience a place differently than a "normal" resident, but it's still a good time in your life to try living in a different place. (You wouldn't have a place in Calumet you'd like to sell, would you?)
Your B/F seems to value corporate loyalty. The fact is that managers take great pleasure in abusing and exploiting people who actually work for a living. According to the government, last month around 1.25 million American workers were fired. There are about 150 million American workers altogether. Most 12 year olds can do the long division proving that no company intends to keep a worker much longer than 5 years. But if you let on that you know this, you risk being fired and blacklisted. It's seldom a good idea to bite the hand that feeds you.
You seem to value marriage as a life-long commitment. Is that true, or do you have some miniscule thought that says, "Well, if it doesn't work out . . . "? Does your B/F agree? Would you follow him wherever he goes? Would he follow you?
OK - those are some things to consider. And once again: HOW you decide probably has more long-term implications that WHAT you decide.
A
male
reader, No Luck  +, writes (5 January 2008):
 My advice to you , is to complete ur study first even if it will be in a far place and u can talk with ur bf over the internet and when u do finish and graduate u come back with a good diplome and u can find a good job than to continue ur life with the man u love and try to explain everythings to each other if theres really love between u and him dont be affraid to be far few years just to complete ur studys and he will stay wating for u dont worry .GOOD LUCK and hope everythings will be fine :) bye
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