| A
male
,
BazilRathbone
writes: How can I love my girlfriend when she has been such a slut?I am in love with the most wonderful girl I have ever met. She's beautiful and funny, intelligent and kind and I nearly asked her to marry me because I have never, ever loved a girl as much.But, and there always is a but, she has been such a slut. Before you judge me for taking the moral high ground, please listen to me. At the age of 26 she had slept with nearly one hundred men. Married, young, old, ugly, handsome it didn't matter. When I introduced her to my friends, one of them recalled in shock at the time his friend and two others all took turns at her at the same time. Not nearly a day goes by when I learn, with such a sad heart, about all the things she's done, and I just cannot stop thinking about it.She loves me. She said she wanted to live with me, and nobody had made her feel as happy as I did. I know this is true. I look at her face and I can see how much she adores me, and I adore her.She said that she was raped when she was young.Without admitting to it, she suggested that is why she did what she did, until I came along. We never talked about it since. I felt too uncomfortable to bring it up again.I couldn't cope with what I knew she had done, but I loved her so much. I tried so hard to deal with it. I tried so hard to make her happy, but I couldn't do it. I never harmed a hair on her pretty head, I just wanted to look after her for the rest of her life. But it tore me apart.This is my question; I split up with her six months ago. Am I right to do this? I think about her every day. I wish she was still here.
View related questions:
her past, split up Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, gandalf55555  +, writes (10 June 2007):
This is the first letter I have read on this site but it is the saddest story I've heard in a long time.
Here is my advice. If you truly are as in love with this girl as you say you are, then you have to win her back, don't think how, just do it. Because if you've found somebody you can love, you can't let them get away; you've got to hold on to them no matter what. Now if she told the truth about her being raped when she was young, you can't let it bother you, it is all about her. If you love her, all you can do about something like that is comfort her, make her feel safe, protect her; because you can't let personal emotion ruin what you have. Now you may think that six months is a long time, but if you are in love with her and miss her then you have to win her back. That is my advice to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2007): This is real no win situation , youre crazy about her but at the same time , you dont want to marry someone who shagged everything in sight by the sound of it. Reading your letter , I really felt genuine sorrow for you and , at the end of the day ,the decision is going to have to be yours , I guess. Your letter illustrates the real long term damage that rape can do.
All I can say is , that if I was in your shoes and I was thinking about her all the time and was as crazy about her then I would rekindle the relationship and make the best of it.
good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, BazilRathbone +, writes (13 December 2006):
BazilRathbone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who replied to my question. Some of them were just arse, but some of you really know how I felt. I wasn't expecting that. Thank you, and stay positive. Rick.
...............................
A
male
reader, ScottieDoc +, writes (20 October 2006):
I have a similar problem, except it involves my wife. She only recently told me she had a promiscuous past, having said before we married a few years ago that she'd slept with far fewer men than she now claims. She was also raped in her twenties, although admits to being promiscous before this. This was an issue in the court case. I'm not entirely sure why she chose to tell me about this aspect of her past now, and it has affected me badly. It was something I never really wanted to know about. However, I love her deeply and couldn't leave her because of it. I use a number of strategies to try to cope, many of which have been suggested in response to numerous other postings on this subject. It bothers many men. For me in conjours up images of her with other men and makes me feel inadequate, or that she might be comparing me to them. On the other hand, it was all BEFORE ME, and she says I'M THE ONLY ONE FOR HER NOW. She was different then and there's nothing you can do to change it. It's part of what makes her who she is now.
However, had I known what I know now, I might not have married my wife all those years ago. But then I think, take that fact about her promiscuity away, am I happy with her otherwise, then yes. She loves me, we have a good relationship, and I would be even more unhappy without her. She would be gone, but the bad thoughts about her past and what 'would have been' would still be there! If you want her and can accept her past, go get her back!
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (29 September 2006):
 Im sensing that you really dont think this is the right thing to have done or you wouldnt have posted here.
You still love her, you still want her, your hurting. Im thinking your wondering that if you will ever find that again and thats what the doubting is. No one knows if this is the right thing to have done, allyou know is you couldnt accept her for her, irrespective of the reasons she may have acted in the way that she did.
It does seem as rythumandblues wrote, you switched that bulb on! The one she was seeking, many that are abused at a young age go on to act in such a manner as they do not feel worthy, the more they allow someone to treat them like this the longer it goes on and they continue to let it happen, as they are seeking acceptance, affection, love, kindness but seek it in the wrong place SEX!
She found you, her saviour or so she thought and finally opened up to you, she wanted to be accepted for her and you finally accepted her and didnt expect much in return, just love.
She needs counselling to help heal her old wounds. It is a shame that you cant see that you were indeed her solice, someone she could actually be normal with and stop her horrid past, in truth she isnt proud of what happend but to her it was a case of how she fitted in and how she chose to survive to get past the rape, its hard to explain, but someone thats been abused/raped doesnt always know any better.
My sister was sexually abused as a child. Her first real relationship, was abusive, violent,and humiliating, she choose this path as this is all she felt worthy of.. being abused as a child, led her to believe she had to be accepted and would take love in any form she could she get. She was a wild child indeed, she had always refused counselling and despite my mum and dad(although he found hard to deal) and I trying to support and love her, she still wanted acceptance in a relationship, dont know why it was something in her head, a pschological scaring, almost like she had something to prove, anyway after years of turmoil (7 years) she finally had counselling and things dramtically improved and her outlook on life totally changed, shes now married with 2 wonderful children, i believe without the counselling she would still be this wild child.
Anyway, maybe you feel you have let her down, by not looking past her torrid past, it might help for you to at least talk to her, and try and help her deal with her issues, even if you guys are not to be, it might be what you are feeling inside, the anguish of letting her down maybe, and you want to make it right. On the other hand she may have already walked down the road and found someone else that will accept her exactly as she is, even though as nice as you are you simply couldnt understand or look past it, we are all different and have different goals and out looks on life, doesnt make us a bad person,we are all unique, but the fact that you are still deeply in love with her indicates to me you really dont want to let her go.
Take care x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2006): Go watch Chasing Amy - similar situation and great movie.
...............................
A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (28 September 2006):
 Judge not, lest ye be judged.
That verse pretty much sums up my opinion of your situation.
If she's willing to forgive you for being such a Puritan, then maybe she'll allow you back into her life.
It sounds like you are the loser in the relationship. You're hurting, and she's probably moved on.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
 You left her 6 months ago because you are unable to take a journey with your now ex without looking back.Not eveyone can forget or forgive.And nobody can tell you if you done the right thing because only you can decide that.It sounds like you miss her a great deal.She did not know that she would meet the guy of her dreams(you).She probably thought that all men were dogs.And then she met you.
If your friend never recalled in shock the time his friend and two others all took turns at her at the same time.Would you have handled this situation differently?
Nobody is perfect and people do things they regret and are not proud of.If you can't handle it then move on and stop dwelling for your own sanity.
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
 Ok, there are some assumptions here that are not clear in your question about your ex girls sexual past....is she stil having sex in a compulsive manner with multiple partners and indiscriminantly? From your tone it sounds like she was until you came along. Perhaps you were the catalyst that finally turned the light bulb on for her as to what love is supposed to feel like....if you care about this girl and love her the way you say you do, suggest she seek counseling for what happened in her past and how it deeply affected her and messed her up...she needs to go alone...if she appoaches you again about a relationship, then maybe you could find it in your heart to first understand it was beyond her control as she was deeply hurt and confused by the rape and acting out as a defense mechanism, not because she is a slut....if she has a good heart and is a good person and loves you unconditionly maybe you will learn that is what love is, but if she is currently sleeping around like that, that does not bode well for the two of you and your future together.
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49  + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
 I agree with Yos, and I was on the same wave length when I read the anon reader's below comments. Anon reader, while I can see your point about the reference to this girl as being a 'slut' (which I disagree with, too)--I do think it needs to be said, that many women feel the same way about a prospective bf's wild past, as well. This has nothing to do with equal rights but more about how men and women, alike, make such stupid, poor choices, only to pay a big emotional price later on. Casual sex for both genders is a sad fact and has become such an ordinary thing for people. The tragedy for the young female discussed here today, is she, in fact was victimized through a rape..something beyond her control. She was lost and made the common error of looking for love and acceptance, in the wrong way. Indeed, she confused being sexualized for being romanticized. She does need some counseling help..we all agree on that.
But it is pointless to be judgemental of this young man, simply because he was honest about his values and ideals, when it came to his gf's sexual history. How he is reacting, is how a lot of people of both genders would respond when finding out that a loved one, did such unsavory things. It's not just a guy thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
 To the last comment I'm afraid I have to disagree. It is really the same problem either way. On this site there are men who have problems with their girlfriends past, but there are also plenty of women who have similar problems with their boyfriends past. The supposed 'double standard' is defended by a lot fewer men than you might think. Don't make it into an 'us versus them' issue, because it really isn't.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2006): One thing that always bugs me is that if a man had slept with that many women they are a HERO. There mates congratulate them and shake there hand. I bet if the girl that your mates had taken turns with wasn't your girlfriend you would have slaped them on the back and had a good laugh about it. Why then when a women does this SHE IS A SLUT!!!!! This is so unfair, so much for equal rights. IF men can do it so can women. If you loved her you would support her, especially because of the fact that she was raped when she was younger. I say thank god you left her. SHE DESERVES BETTER.
...............................
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (28 September 2006):
 I would say you did the right thing as you probably may never have overcome her past and the feelings you feel regarding it.
I do believe a persons past makes them who they are today therefore her being the person you love but at the same time you have to feel the relationship is right in everyway and you didn't.
You will miss her and think about what you have lost one of the reasons for this is because she never did anything to you or the relationship didn't break down in anyway so you haven't had anything to make you see that you wasn't right for each other or that it was right for you to walk away apart from things that happened before you came along.
I would try to move on from her and remember why you left the relationship and how her past effected you.
Good luck :o)
...............................
A
male
reader, Yos + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
You were only 'wrong' to do this if you could have stayed with her and gotten over your negative feelings. That would have been a very difficult thing to do, maybe impossible. Many men come on this site with this same issue, and few manage to overcome it, so you are not alone in your situation. And your girlfriends past actions are subjectively more extreme than most.
The horrible irony is that the insensity of your love for her matches the intensity of your pain. The two are linked... for example the more you love her the more powerful the emotion when thinking of her rape. If you didn't care for her (like the other men) then you wouldn't be in such pain. Jealousy is the shadow of love.
So I would say you almost certainly did the right thing, under the circumstances. It is very sad for her, but it would have only damaged her self esteem in the long run for you two to stay together.
...............................
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
Hi, before I read the line "she was raped as a young girl", that was my first question when you listed how many men she had slept with in the past, and her promiscous behavior is a real hallmark of this ..child abuse of this nature is very psycholgically damaging...she needs to get psychological counseling if she has not done so already, and it sounds like she has not...you can't really change this for her and it is very sad..if you are strong enough, you can be with her or be there for her IF she will get the help she needs....this is nothing more than self-destructive behaviour taking over for herself where her abusers left off. I hope you will not beat yourself up for leaving her or not being able to help her enough, it is very hard not to do that when you really love someone, I am the same way, it is very hurtful and painful to go through I know, but you probably aren't helping her, but possibly enabling her sexual addiction just by putting up with it, and I am sure that is not your intention.
...............................
A
female
reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (28 September 2006):
Yes, I feel that you were right to do this. I have always stressed to young people that decisions about relationships and choosing a life-mate, should always be made from the head and not the heart. Simply because, the heart is notorious for blurring the realities of what we really require in a partner. It appears you did use your head. I am not saying, she is a bad person...but she was a girl who made some past life choices that were conflicting with your principals and ideals. You had struggled with her past and you would've continued struggling, had you married her. You see, dear, when it comes to a long -term, committed relationship-love simply is not enough. There are issues of honor, respect, acceptance, supportiveness, compatibility and most importantly-there needs to be similarity of life values, ideals and morals. There has to be a healthy balance and in lieu of your moral compass and your own values, this balance likely could never have been achieved with her so your withdrawl from her life was necessary. It does sound like you loved her a great deal and you miss her. I am sorry this has happened to you and her. But I think for "your" own future happiness, you did the right thing because 'these images would have bothered you for a long, time to come' and that would've been very, very unfair to her. Let her find someone who can accept her as is and you need to find a girl more suited to what you want.
...............................
|
