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I can't understand why he isn't more eager

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 January 2018) 6 Answers - (Newest, 17 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *illyGirl123 writes:

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is 21 and I am 23. The past month or so, he never, ever initiates sex or even kisses me passionately. He says he is under a lot of stress working long hours. We have fought about this, as he gets angry when I bring it up, and I end up in tears. I love him so much. Every other part of our relationship shows me he does truly love me. He has brought up the future, marriage, and even wants to move to another city with me. He calls and checks in with me all the time when we're not together, tells me he loves me all the time.But the lack of intimacy is breaking my heart. I used to feel beautiful and sexy, but now my self esteem has hit rock bottom. He tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, but it is hard to believe it when he doesn't act on it. I am fairly certain he is not cheating, but at this point everything has crossed my mind as I have never experienced this before. It is ego crushing. He is a wonderful man, and aside from this issue I could see myself possibly spending the rest of my life with him. But I cannot live in a sexless relationship. I asked him why he doesn't kiss me anymore, and he said he is just tired and doesn't feel the need to, that he enjoys just holding me. I wonder if you love someone how you could not feel the need to kiss passionately all the time, he says he wants it to be special when we have sex, kiss or make out. He does kiss me, but he won't make out with me unless I pretty much ask him to. What is going on here? We used to have sex three times a day sometimes and he can always get an erection over me. I know my sex drive is higher than his, but this lack of intimacy is baffling me.

View related questions: crush, erection, self esteem, sex drive

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A female reader, SillyGirl123 United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2018):

SillyGirl123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

SillyGirl123 agony auntI just want to thank everyone for their responses and taking the time to give me some much needed home truths.

However, I do just want to clarify that I treat my partner as well as he treats me. I run him a bath when he comes home from work and listen to him all about his day pretty much every night. I offer him a shoulder to cry on, a person to vent to, a lovely massage or simply just a cup of tea and a nice warm meal if he needs it/when he acts or feels stressed. I think people have assumed from my post that because I have an issue with wanting intimacy and sex in my relationship means that I do not care for my boyfriend or look after him, which is simply not the case.

After reading your messages, I simply offered cuddles and asked for nothing more from him. He has since been trying it on with me all the time like he used to and kisses me regularly. He has also admitted that he likes the 'chase' he doesn't want me to just offer myself on a plate all the time, he wants to go after it and earn my desires.

So things are pretty much back to how they used to be before the small dry spell. You are right, I probably was being over dramatic and overly critical of myself. So thanks for pointing it out as you did.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntOkay so he admits the last month or so he has been stressed at work and he is tired because off long hours, so what is it that you are doubting? A month is not a huge long time in the grand scheme off things and stress does effect your libido.

It is nice to hear that he treats you great in every other aspect, and he is probably getting angry because he is tired and stressed, have you ever asked him to share his work problems with you? Gave him a massage or helped him relax without being sexual?

If your self esteem has hit rock bottom because he has not been very affectionate in a month then maybe you have confidence issues and need to address them yourself. I know personally that I wouldn't base my self esteem on sex and neither should you. You need to see that he may actually be stressed from work then coming home to you complaining about no sex. The best thing to do would be to try and listen to him, help him relax, and show him that he means more to you than just the affection and sex.

If this has only been a month then I would suggest just leaving it be for a fortnight, be the best girlfriend you can be and listen to him and care for him. Show him how much he means to you. Then after the fortnight if he has still not showed any affection it might be time to look at his work schedule and tell him that you need the affection and sex in order for this to work.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2018):

You've not had sex in a month and your self esteem has hit rock bottom? If you really need a man's attention to keep it up you have bigger problems thsn a sex drought. He tells you he loves you and treats you well but unless he's sticking it into you, you aren't worth anything? You should work on yourself. You shouldn't seek validation of your worth from someone else. It should come from within you. But that's another DC post.

Perhaps he is really stressed. Perhaps he has a lower sex drive than you. Perhaps he has lost some confidence. Any of those reasons will cause his libido to fall. You should ask him gently and without judgment if you can help. Young men aren't exactly known for their ability to vocalise their feelings so it might require some sensitive questioning yo get to the bottom of it. Let him talk if he wants to. If work is crazy for a short while then it should work itself out on its own and normal service will be resumed. If there's no end in sight he should reevaluate his priorities and maybe get another job.

If he has got a lower sex drive than you or if he's unwilling to change his job or his habits or even get help for a medical issue then your time together may be at an end.

When he gets angry he is probably projecting his anger at his inability to make to happy, either by explaining why he is off sex, or by having sex with you. I'll tell you this- having arguments about it is about the last thing that is going to help.Good Luck.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 January 2018):

Stop measuring love by how much you're told you're pretty. Sex cannot always be hot and heavy seven days a week. It starts out that way; but sex-derives plateau, and sometimes slows to a halt.

Listen to him when he tells you: " He says he is under a lot of stress working long hours."

A penis is not a mechanical-device you can constantly run on-demand at any given time. Like women, sometimes a guy has to be in the mood. It has only been the past month or so!!!

You can go at it so much it becomes boring! Yes, BORING!

Don't be so melodramatic and insensitive. He's a person just like you are; and a guy can't always be panting with his tongue hanging out to make you feel good about yourself.

He doesn't have to validate your looks or prove you're sexy by constantly jumping your bones. Sometimes you have to rely on other ways he shows his affections. Of course your sex-drive his higher than his, you don't have to maintain an erection three times a day! Nor is anyone making you feel you're failing to meet their expectations to make you feel sexy the whole-day long!

He told you he is tired and stressed from work. Now think like a caring adult. Give him sexy back-rubs, smell good, give him gentle scalp massages. Step into the shower and wash his back and hair. That'll relax him and knock-off that stress. You're a woman, you're naturally magical! That doesn't mean his penis can always perform the same each and every-time you expect it to! Things do change!

You'll get through this. You will not always be in the honeymoon-phase. He may not always be up to passionate kissing. Relationships mature and become more serious and complex. Not always a series of hot make-out sessions.

Be patient and give him time.

You DO NOT ARGUE ABOUT SEX! That is a TURNOFF!!! Making-love is something you do willingly, it's not demanded or forced! Prod and tease him for it. If he doesn't seem interested; cuddle until things warm-up again. If you're going to belittle him for not being a mechanical sexual-device, or get angry. He's going to write you off as spoiled and high-maintenance. Don't you dare insult him about performance or criticize his manhood. You've got a lot to learn about men!

Let him rest, and things will warm back up. Not necessarily like they used to be. Provided you're sweet, understanding, and being mature about it.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 January 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWhat has changed in the last month or so (since this problem arose)? Having sex 3 times a day is, obviously, not sustainable long term, so that was never realistically going to last. However, going from that to virtually nothing rings alarm bells.

It sounds like he does care for you very much but, as a 21 year old male, he is probably at a different stage of life than a 23 year old female in that males tend to mature slower than females. Did you move in together recently and become "serious"? Was that possibly the trigger for the drop in libido? Despite what he says, is he perhaps worried about committing so young?

It is always possible, of course, that it is "just" work and sheer tiredness that is the problem. Perhaps he doesn't want to get into passionate kissing because that will inevitably lead to sex and he feels too tired for sex? Have you tried giving him a massage when he is tired to see if this helps him at all?

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (11 January 2018):

Denizen agony auntIn the present climate some men are reluctant to initiate sexual intimacy in case they are accused of forcing their attentions on the woman. The other thing that can happen is that they start sexual contact and are then rebuffed because the female isn't in the mood.

This leads them to think it isn't worth the trouble. So, be absolutely clear when you want sex. Be enticing. Use all your god-given talents to draw him in. Eventually he will be confident that you are open to his advances when he feels like it and not just when you do.

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