I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. He is 21 and I am 23. The past month or so, he never, ever initiates sex or even kisses me passionately. He says he is under a lot of stress working long hours. We have fought about this, as he gets angry when I bring it up, and I end up in tears. I love him so much. Every other part of our relationship shows me he does truly love me. He has brought up the future, marriage, and even wants to move to another city with me. He calls and checks in with me all the time when we're not together, tells me he loves me all the time.But the lack of intimacy is breaking my heart. I used to feel beautiful and sexy, but now my self esteem has hit rock bottom. He tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, but it is hard to believe it when he doesn't act on it. I am fairly certain he is not cheating, but at this point everything has crossed my mind as I have never experienced this before. It is ego crushing. He is a wonderful man, and aside from this issue I could see myself possibly spending the rest of my life with him. But I cannot live in a sexless relationship. I asked him why he doesn't kiss me anymore, and he said he is just tired and doesn't feel the need to, that he enjoys just holding me. I wonder if you love someone how you could not feel the need to kiss passionately all the time, he says he wants it to be special when we have sex, kiss or make out. He does kiss me, but he won't make out with me unless I pretty much ask him to. What is going on here? We used to have sex three times a day sometimes and he can always get an erection over me. I know my sex drive is higher than his, but this lack of intimacy is baffling me.
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crush, erection, self esteem, sex drive
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reader, aunt honesty + ♥, writes (12 January 2018):Okay so he admits the last month or so he has been stressed at work and he is tired because off long hours, so what is it that you are doubting? A month is not a huge long time in the grand scheme off things and stress does effect your libido.
It is nice to hear that he treats you great in every other aspect, and he is probably getting angry because he is tired and stressed, have you ever asked him to share his work problems with you? Gave him a massage or helped him relax without being sexual?
If your self esteem has hit rock bottom because he has not been very affectionate in a month then maybe you have confidence issues and need to address them yourself. I know personally that I wouldn't base my self esteem on sex and neither should you. You need to see that he may actually be stressed from work then coming home to you complaining about no sex. The best thing to do would be to try and listen to him, help him relax, and show him that he means more to you than just the affection and sex.
If this has only been a month then I would suggest just leaving it be for a fortnight, be the best girlfriend you can be and listen to him and care for him. Show him how much he means to you. Then after the fortnight if he has still not showed any affection it might be time to look at his work schedule and tell him that you need the affection and sex in order for this to work.
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reader, Allumeuse + ♥, writes (11 January 2018):You've not had sex in a month and your self esteem has hit rock bottom? If you really need a man's attention to keep it up you have bigger problems thsn a sex drought. He tells you he loves you and treats you well but unless he's sticking it into you, you aren't worth anything? You should work on yourself. You shouldn't seek validation of your worth from someone else. It should come from within you. But that's another DC post.Perhaps he is really stressed. Perhaps he has a lower sex drive than you. Perhaps he has lost some confidence. Any of those reasons will cause his libido to fall. You should ask him gently and without judgment if you can help. Young men aren't exactly known for their ability to vocalise their feelings so it might require some sensitive questioning yo get to the bottom of it. Let him talk if he wants to. If work is crazy for a short while then it should work itself out on its own and normal service will be resumed. If there's no end in sight he should reevaluate his priorities and maybe get another job.If he has got a lower sex drive than you or if he's unwilling to change his job or his habits or even get help for a medical issue then your time together may be at an end.When he gets angry he is probably projecting his anger at his inability to make to happy, either by explaining why he is off sex, or by having sex with you. I'll tell you this- having arguments about it is about the last thing that is going to help.Good Luck.
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reader, WiseOwlE + ♥, writes (11 January 2018):Stop measuring love by how much you're told you're pretty. Sex cannot always be hot and heavy seven days a week. It starts out that way; but sex-derives plateau, and sometimes slows to a halt.
Listen to him when he tells you: " He says he is under a lot of stress working long hours."
A penis is not a mechanical-device you can constantly run on-demand at any given time. Like women, sometimes a guy has to be in the mood. It has only been the past month or so!!!
You can go at it so much it becomes boring! Yes, BORING!
Don't be so melodramatic and insensitive. He's a person just like you are; and a guy can't always be panting with his tongue hanging out to make you feel good about yourself.
He doesn't have to validate your looks or prove you're sexy by constantly jumping your bones. Sometimes you have to rely on other ways he shows his affections. Of course your sex-drive his higher than his, you don't have to maintain an erection three times a day! Nor is anyone making you feel you're failing to meet their expectations to make you feel sexy the whole-day long!
He told you he is tired and stressed from work. Now think like a caring adult. Give him sexy back-rubs, smell good, give him gentle scalp massages. Step into the shower and wash his back and hair. That'll relax him and knock-off that stress. You're a woman, you're naturally magical! That doesn't mean his penis can always perform the same each and every-time you expect it to! Things do change!
You'll get through this. You will not always be in the honeymoon-phase. He may not always be up to passionate kissing. Relationships mature and become more serious and complex. Not always a series of hot make-out sessions.
Be patient and give him time.
You DO NOT ARGUE ABOUT SEX! That is a TURNOFF!!! Making-love is something you do willingly, it's not demanded or forced! Prod and tease him for it. If he doesn't seem interested; cuddle until things warm-up again. If you're going to belittle him for not being a mechanical sexual-device, or get angry. He's going to write you off as spoiled and high-maintenance. Don't you dare insult him about performance or criticize his manhood. You've got a lot to learn about men!
Let him rest, and things will warm back up. Not necessarily like they used to be. Provided you're sweet, understanding, and being mature about it.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 January 2018):What has changed in the last month or so (since this problem arose)? Having sex 3 times a day is, obviously, not sustainable long term, so that was never realistically going to last. However, going from that to virtually nothing rings alarm bells.
It sounds like he does care for you very much but, as a 21 year old male, he is probably at a different stage of life than a 23 year old female in that males tend to mature slower than females. Did you move in together recently and become "serious"? Was that possibly the trigger for the drop in libido? Despite what he says, is he perhaps worried about committing so young?
It is always possible, of course, that it is "just" work and sheer tiredness that is the problem. Perhaps he doesn't want to get into passionate kissing because that will inevitably lead to sex and he feels too tired for sex? Have you tried giving him a massage when he is tired to see if this helps him at all?
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reader, Denizen + ♥, writes (11 January 2018):In the present climate some men are reluctant to initiate sexual intimacy in case they are accused of forcing their attentions on the woman. The other thing that can happen is that they start sexual contact and are then rebuffed because the female isn't in the mood.
This leads them to think it isn't worth the trouble. So, be absolutely clear when you want sex. Be enticing. Use all your god-given talents to draw him in. Eventually he will be confident that you are open to his advances when he feels like it and not just when you do.
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