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I am recuperating from surgery and my boyfriend is having some girl I've never met pick him up and go out drinking

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 September 2018) 12 Answers - (Newest, 15 September 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I need to know if I'm being Ridicolous and this is just petty. Or if what he is doing is wrong.

I ended up having emergency surgery Wednesday which was completely unexpected. My boyfriend has been amazing. Coming to see me straight after work and looking after me.

He originally had plans to go out with the lads Saturday but said he would cancel to look after me. I told him to not be silly and to to out because he needs some time with friends after looking after me.

So today is the day he's going out and all of a sudden he mentioned this girl. Saying she's picking him and his friends up to to to her house to pre drink!! So from originally getting the bus some girl who I haven't met is driving 30 minutes to pick up 2 single guys and 1 in a relationship to take them back to her house and pre drink!!!

Like do I have a right to be angry ?? She's w very very pretty girl bu5 what girl hangs around with loads of men? At her home ? Nd the thing is her home is still a 10 min drive from the pubs. So it's not like they did it to be closer. I'm so angry that I'm here alone recovering and he's gotten in some random girls car and has gone to her house to pre drink. Do I just let this be? He doesn't get it. I'm not saying he'll cheat but I would never do that if the roles were reversed. Plus if never invite a lad to mine knowing he had a girlfriend Eitheir! So what's stopping her trying anything?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 September 2018):

N91 agony auntFemale anon, if that’s what the op meant then she didn’t say it. No where around that part of the post was a question asked.

The questions start around the end of the post regarding this mysterious female.

If the op meant does she have a right to be angry that her BF offered to CANCEL plans so that he could care for her and then SHE told him to go ahead with them? I’d say absolutely not. He did what she told him to. You state he blew his GF off to get drunk? What part of being told to go out with friends is HIM deciding to palm her off? Your advice to question the relationship over it is quite alarming and childish. The guy has done nothing wrong.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 September 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt If the real problem is as female anon of Sept. 13th suggests- that's a blatant case of " mean what you say and say what you mean ".

Maybe fem anon is right, you are mad because you wanted your bf to be more nurturing and to stay home assisting you , rather than going out to have fun with the lads. Well, why didn't you say so ?

Look, you are only human, if you had surgery on Wednesday, it's normal if on Saturday you still feel a little vulnerable and out of sorts and needy . I take it that they sent you home already ( I don't think he would have been allowed to stay in the hospital till all hours of a Saturday night, after visiting hours you'd have been alone anyway ) so hopefully what you had surgery for wasn't too serious and

you are getting better ; yet nobody would point a finger at you for wanting some TLC, some cuddles, or maybe just someone to bring you a glass of water or an extra pillow.

But then, why would you have to be ( falsely ) stoic - and then get secretly resentful. When HE volunteered to blow off his friends, you could and should have said " Thank you, honey, wonderful idea. I will be much better soon,hopefully, but for now I do appreciate if you can stick around and keep me company".

Doing differently is passive - aggressive , annoying and ineffective , as it muddles communication.

This , of course, in case female anon is right, and you are deflecting your disappointment over your bf not being attentive enough , to something different and unrelated.

If ,instead , you are really pissed off because he went to drunk with a group of friends including a girl -sorry, no, I don't get it either, as some other posters . Isn't that a bit.. Taleban ? Women and men not belonging to the same family can't ever be under the same roof, otherwise all sort of sexual mayhem will ensue ? ... If she is a friend of theirs, she is a friend, part of the group, and she invited the 3 of them all together , not just your bf alone ( which could have been a bit suspicious, I guess ). There are two other single guys, why could not she be interested in either of them ? why could not she be uninterested in all of them and just want company to go out on a Saturday night ? Do you believe that if your bf goes pre-drinking at a female friend's place, they will inevitably end up kissing ?... It depends, I'd say. If your bf is the type that , when he drinks, hits on any possibly available female ( or, can't stop the unwanted advances of available females ) the risk is the same or bigger if he goes straight to the bars with the lads.. He could hit on some attractive stranger at the bar ( or chose NOT to fend off an attractive stranger hitting on him ).

Either you trust him or you don't. And either he won and deserved your trust , or he did not.

Pick one, and act consequently.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2018):

I really think people did not get what your question really meant hence their answers to you.I totally get it.The real problem is you just had surgery and you needed him and he blew you off to go out and get drunk.You want to blame someone but not him because you love him.You are projecting your anger onto her when it really is your boyfriend you should be angrey with the girl is irrelevant.You are angry because at a time when you felt that you really needed him he was not there.Red flag! You must take a step back and see if this is what you want in life.When you need him he goes out and gets drunk.Really girl? You know you are worth more than that.When a man shows you who he really is believe it.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2018):

N91 agony auntYou’re overreacting majorly.

He has female friends, so what? They drank at her house before they went on a night out. They weren’t having an orgy. Maybe if he was drinking alone with her at her house I’d be able to see your point more but there was a group of people drinking there, I’m sure if she was looking to get with one of the guys it would be one of the single ones. You say you trust your BF but that can’t be true if you’re having these thoughts that something is going to happen. Even if she did make a move then wouldn’t your BF reject the advance if you trust him? Make your mind up.

I stand by his reaction completely. You indeed can not control who he sees as friends and this female is someone he considers as such. What evidence do you have to suggest she’s tried to make any sort of move on your BF? If none, then why assume that she is doing? How do you know she’s even interested in your BF? She may see the whole group in a strictly platonic fashion, she may even be lesbian for all you know yet you’ve automatically assumed the worst.

You say it’s not like they did it to be closer? How is being 10 minutes away not closer than being 30 minutes away? That sounds exactly the reason why they drank at her house rather than any of the others.

You need to get a grip, this woman is a friend of the group and has made no effort to pursue any of them currently which makes your suspicions pointless. I have many female friends that I wouldn’t even think of in a romantic sense and it sounds like that applies here. Curb the possessive attitude or you’ll push your BF away by trying to influence who he sees as friends.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 September 2018):

You can't tell a grown-man what to do. As I said before; he doesn't need your approval to have friends. You don't get to choose what gender these friends are either. He can't pick your friends either.

He threw a challenge back in your face. Go ahead and invite a guy over? He's calling your bluff. Count that against him. It was rhetorical, but his response was shitty.

You weren't granting him permission to go out; you were telling him you were cool with him hanging-out and having some fun. You don't get to set restrictions on who his drinking-buddies are either. To be clear about that.

He was wrong to say he wished he hadn't told the truth; but had lied instead. That was said in anger; but didn't help his argument. That was stupid! Very stupid!

Well, this has now become contentious in your relationship; and he has made it abundantly clear that she's considered a friend. You've made it abundantly clear you don't like him hanging-out getting drunk at her house. He has rebuked your opinion on the situation; so that means you have been overruled. For him, I guess the matter is now closed.

I recommend you let this matter rest for a spell. Don't overreact; because then he'll become unnecessarily defiant to prove a point. Not only to you, but to showoff for his mates. You're not the boss of him. You're at an impasse on this situation; and he feels it's cool, because there are other guys present. He's not single; that's the difference.

This is when you must face the consequences of your decisions.

When you stand your ground on a matter; you have to consider the losses, and what you gain by it. A lack of foresight in this area can only be attributed to immaturity and/or stupidity. Any miscalculation can be costly.

Now while you're allowing this matter to rest. Think about the relationship, and how much you trust him. Does he drink too much? Spend too much time and money partying and carousing? Is he abusive or irresponsible? Does he have a history of being unfaithful? Has he ever lost a job due to poor-attendance? Is he often late for work? If the answer to all of this is no, relax. All is well. If the answer too all these questions is yes; then why are you still with him?

You simply have to trust him, if his standing-record of reliability is consistent. You can't assume this woman is after your boyfriend, just because she's pretty. She may also be a lesbian. He may not even be her type, and all her boundaries may have been set keeping everyone in-check.

If you hate the Snapchats, stop viewing them. One option is to compromise. Get to know her. If you can't do that without being closed-minded or jealous, scrap that idea altogether. You're already biased, because she's attractive.

She's now part of his crew. So you either live with it; or you can kick him to the curb, and move on.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWell you made it sound like this girl was a stranger, but from the sound of things it sounds like she is a friend off your boyfriends, and if that is the case he is right you cannot control who his friends are. You say you trust him, but it is obvious that you don't if you think he is capable off kissing her. What makes you think that? He wasn't there on his own he was there as part of a group. This relationship is not going to work if you don't trust him.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (10 September 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSo? He's friends with a girl. Most guys are. Should lesbians not have female friends? If you trust him not to cheat, trust him not to cheat.

He wasn't alone with her. Lots of women hang out with guys at their house sometimes.

The only real problem here is if she was driving after having a drink.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou need to learn to say what you mean and mean what you say.

YOU TOLD him to go out and have fun with his friends.

And THAT is what he planned to do and did. UNFORTUNATELY for you a GIRL was included in that. A girl you are obviously jealous off or who makes you feel insecure.

YOU can not pick and choose your BF's friends and who he hangs out with and when. That is controlling to eve want to do.

He WASN'T alone with her. There were other guys there, SINGLE guys.

You either TRUST your BF to behave when you are not there or you don't. And if you don't... then why are you with him?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Then he says I shouldn't feel threatened and proceeds to tell me how much he loves me.

I tried to reverse situation and ask how he would feel and he just sort of laughs and say do it then.

I keep trying to say how I feel and he keeps responding by saying "but it's just (her name)" I don't care it's how I feel. I was home and having to see his Snapchats at some females house getting increasingly jealous. I do trust him but what is stopping a kiss when he thinks no one will know considering how much he drank ?

And when I spoke to him when he got home (so he was very drubk) he was saying "I knew I shouldn't have told you I went there. I wanted to be honest but I should have just lied"

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know how she looks because of social media I had to check her out.

The worst part is they ended up pre drinking at hers for 4 hours !! Before getting a taxi into the pubs. I feel sick thinking of it. Of course he knows how I feel about it and he doesn't get it. Says it doesn't mean anything and i can't control him by saying he can't hang around with her.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (10 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntNothing is stopping her trying anything, just like nothing stops a girl in a bar trying anything, that is where trust comes in to a relationship.

All you need to do is talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. You don't really mention did you do that or how he reacted? How do you know what she looks like if you have never met her? How does your boyfriend even know her?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 September 2018):

Your post is full of holes. It's not clear if he knows how you feel about it? You make it seem as if all that wonderful treatment you've been getting is nothing more than bribery. Buttering you up; because he's up to no-good.

You said you haven't met her? Yet you know how she looks. How do you know how pretty she is?

It would seem if you have a problem with your guy having drinks with some single-female at her house; the first thing would be to simply say so.

"Hey kiddo, I'm your girlfriend! I don't like this! You've never mentioned her, or properly introduced her too me. On top of that, how'd you feel if some guy came-over to keep me company while you were out?"

If it becomes a matter leading to an argument; because he thinks it should be fine. Then maybe he's not that concerned about your feelings; or doesn't have that much respect for your opinion. You don't continue to socialize with women your lady has never met; when your girlfriend says she's not comfortable with it. That is, if you put her first.

Especially... if she hasn't met the other female!!! If you want to be trusted, to prove everything is totally innocent; you make sure you have her full support and approval. You don't just claim one of the other guys is coming along. Seems you'd be cramping his style. You've got a girlfriend.

He doesn't need your approval to have friends; but everything has to be above-board. You should be introduced. She's not one of the guys. She's a female. Wallowing in all the male-attention.

If you haven't openly expressed your feelings. Do it! Don't just assume pouting or being pissed-off gets your point across. Tell him flat-out you would rather he didn't. If he insists on doing it; then you have a problem. Otherwise; silence is permission.

They are drinking-buddies. Drinking leads to mischief. Pre-drinking leads to drunkenness and blackouts. Bad-behavior.

Yes, there are pretty women who hang around with groups of men. For good reasons and bad ones. It's up to the guy in a committed-relationship to realize when something might seem innocent; but it's still inappropriate. He wouldn't like to come over to your place and some guy he never met is keeping you company. No question about.

If you don't like it; suggest he save some of his drinking money, and buy himself a car. Remind him he has a girlfriend; but not for long, if he insists on hanging-out at some other female's house. Meet at the bar. She shouldn't be driving them around already loaded. Then the excuse becomes being too intoxicated to drive home.

That's a long drive, and she shouldn't operate a vehicle while intoxicated.

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