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How Do I Move On From This Affair?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 22 March 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hey Aunts and Uncle's.. I recently got myself into something stupid. I know many of you will judge me for what I have done and say I'm a bad person. But I have a good heart and really need some advice.

A year ago, I started working at my car dealership.. For the first time in my 20 years of life, I found a job I enjoyed and could grow with.

I'll be upfront.. My interview went great, but when the GM came in to interview, I flipped. I have never been so speechless about a guy before, and he was gorgeous to me. It was like lust at first sight. And the crazy thing is, I felt like he was into me also.

So, I ended up getting hired a week later in their used car department which was actually a separate dealership on the same street but walking distance away.

Every time he would come over, we would hardly talk but I would get butterflies. I thought of it as sexual attraction and I didnt take it too seriously since he was 15 years older than me, he was my boss and he was married.

So, fast forward.. Throughout the year we began to talk more, and he flirted with me alot! But the more we talked, the more we found out we had alot in common. We even live in the same neighborhood! I started to see him as a good boss and friend but I tried to let go of my attraction, yet I never could. But as time went on, he began to make his feelings of being into me more and more known, without crossing the line.

Well, one day (last week).. I run into him at the gym (we go to the same gym btw) and he hugs me for the first time in a year and tells me that he is quitting his job as our GM after 15 years. I was shocked and literally wanted to cry but tried to be cool.

Later that day, he comes to say goodbye and basically tells me he likes me, has always liked me and wanted to go out with me that night.

To make a long story short, we ended up having sex that night on his boat.. It was the best sex of my life! But I made the decision because I liked him so much and was 100% sure I could handle a sexual relationship with no feelings... Only I was wrong.

I think I underestimated how I truly feel. Now that he is gone, I miss him terribly. Being at work, I just see his face everywhere. And since he is married, we haven't talked in a week and I've avoided going to the gym also because I dont want to be that clingy girl. I knew what I was doing when I did it, and I didnt feel any guilt, but now I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. And now I feel like I miss our conversations, I miss our laughs, I miss everything. I think I might love him.

I told him I wouldn't regret having sex with him because It was something I had wanted for so long, but I would trade it all to have him back in my life as a boss and friend. Once again, the really smart girl isn't so smart.. I know nothing will come from our relationship now other than sex, but I need to know how to let this go. Should I tell him how I feel, or just stay away from him altogether?

View related questions: affair, at work, flirt, move on, my boss

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Exactly!! I'm going to go to the gym whenever I want.. And we're practically neighbors, so I cant avoid going places, or passing his house on my way to work. It is what it is.. I'm just not going to do anything like that again.

And to the anonymous reader.. I appreciate your words! We are all human.. I made a decision.. I'm hoping to look back on it one day and laugh about it. I often think to myself.. "In 5 years, I'll be 25 and I'll be doing different things.. But in 5 years, he'll be 40. What will he be doing? Will he be the same?" My guess is yes... Thanks you guys!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2017):

"Really, I guess I wish I didn't cross that line and just remained friends. That's the part that is getting to me the most is that I thought I was that type of person, and now I know im not, but its too late."

Oh, sweetheart! We all think we're able to control ourselves / do the right thing etc etc.. but we're all human and have all been there. There's no "that kind of person" -- there's only humans, imperfect delightful humans. You'll laugh it off in a few years as the story of "married dude, good sex, bad idea, beautiful youth"

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (21 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntDon't change the time you go to the gym, if this guy is stupid enough to mention your liaison, or to suggest a repeat stare him down and tell him you are smart enough to know not to repeat mistakes, and that he should leave you alone or toodle off home to his wife before you scream out loud about the predator. :-)

Even if you feel scared doing this just put on your "I am serious" face, remove all emotions from it and fake it until you make it!

Let him be the one to reorganise his life ... he should have had the intestinal fortitude to ignore any sexual feelings he held for a much younger employee.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey guys!! Appreciate all the advice.. As I said, I know what I did was bad.. Things were easier when I had a crush that I was for sure would not go further than that. It seemed so difficult at the time to keep all my thoughts, feelings, and attraction to myself and

Most people say they would rather know than wonder.. But wondering actually seems like it was easier now that I know..

After reading all the advice, you all basically told me things I already knew, but needed to hear. I do feel bad for his wife, because I wasn't the first time he had been unfaithful and I wont be the last. Even if hypothetically speaking, he were to be with me, he would do the EXACT same thing to me.

Really, I guess I wish I didn't cross that line and just remained friends. That's the part that is getting to me the most is that I thought I was that type of person, and now I know im not, but its too late.

It was alot harder those first few days, but I'm feeling a little better now. Even everyone at work is getting along fine with the new GM. I figured I would just not talk to him again.

But, with that being said.. I'm in a 2 year contract with my gym, so I'm not going to be finding a new one, rather I'll just go when he is least likely to show up, but i'm not going to run and hide. We both go there and we both pay our membership every month, so if I just so happen to run into him, I'm not going to make it awkward for feel like I have to leave because he's there.

Thanks for the help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2017):

Hi sweetie.

Don't be like me. Four years into the affair and still waiting for him to love me. To give me affection - not just sex - and to leave his wife.

There is no worse pain on earth.

It is too late for me. I am destroying myself. Already destroyed, in fact.

You are in time. To save your heart.

It will be much easier to leave this man behind if you walk away now. I wish I had done that when I had a chance. It would have been much easier. And I would have been moved on by now, maybe with a guy who can give me all I deserve and need.

I understand the magnetic attraction. Trust me. I know how powerless you feel against it. I fell too. He is also 15 years older than I am. And he is enjoying the ride of his life while I am left with the crumbs. It just isn't worth it.

Just keep busy and live your life. Soon enough, you will no longer be thinking about him. And you will meet someone else. I promise. Someone who is not married! :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

He was leaving his job, so he knew that there would be no professional repercussions, and so he took his opportunity and had sex with you. It was a one night stand, nothing more. It was not an affair. I am very sorry, but I doubt that he had or has any feelings for you beyond wanting sex.

He is married, he has been unfaithful to his wife. Judging by his behaviour with you, it is probably not the first time he has done this. He is not a loyal trustworthy person, and you don't need someone like that in your life.

I feel very sorry for his wife.

You now need to put this down as experience. Normally, when a woman has sex with a man she has fancied/lusted after for a long time, she becomes emotionally attached to that man. This has happened to you. It is not your fault, but human nature.

So now you need to get on with your life and your job. Concentrate on other things, find new men to date, go out with your friends, find a new gym. In time you will start to feel better. But this man is a great big No No and needs to be out of your life, your head, and your heart.

I wish you well, and the very best of luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

You can do whatever you want, but know this: the reason it was the best sex of your life is because he is unavailable. The reason you get butterflies when you see him is because he's unavailable. The reason you're so hung up on him is because he's unavailable. Usually, people who aren't yet ready for a real relationship fall for unavailable people, because it doesn't demand you to be present in the relationship, and you can always fantasize about the dream relationship that it could be. The reality is this guy isn't available, and those dreams won't come true.

Forgive yourself and be patient with yourself. You mentioned that you thought you could just have that one sexual encounter, but that now it's harder than it seems. Admitting that is the first step, just be patient with how hard it is. It's natural to feel attachment after sex -- especially because it was good sex. Know that you can find sex this good with someone available who wants you too, if you'll allow yourself to show up for an actual relationship.

I've been through this stage so I know how you're feeling, and all I can say is, there'll be way better guys out there. He doesn't deserve any attention from someone as awesome as you.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (19 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntFor a start your sexual encounter with a previous boss wasn't an affair but a one night stand.

What are you hoping to achieve by telling him how you feel? Are you hoping for ongoing sexual encounters (which would be an affair), or for him to leave his wife and date you?

Think very carefully when you ask yourself what it is you want .... and be very honest with yourself when you give the answers.

This guy has not given any indication of anything but sexual lust .... he has not attempted to contact you and on the surface it would seem you were but an itch which has now been scratched.

My advise would be for you to accept you had a night of sex with a man who cheated on a woman he promised to love and honour until he or she died (what a ratfink!, accept there is nothing further there that will enhance YOUR life.

Good luck!

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