A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there......I really hope someone out there can help me and hopefully knock some sense into me as everyday that goes by im feeling lower and lower and all i can put it down to is an addiction, but of what is the confusing scenario!!!Been seeing this guy for over 5yrs now, wen we met there was no ground rules as to where the situation was going to lead, we're both single, as time went on health issues and mental issues,i.e; past marriage break up was still having an effect with him, but me being me stayed patient and helped him threw as much as poss, well to cut a long story short, he turned into a head game player, one minute he thought the world of me and was going to see me for the rest of he's life, the next he had nothing there for me and that we were just a bit of fun,however, i have supported him financially and he eventually moved out of he's parents and bought a house a year ago, i helped furnished it out and wait for it, i dont even no where the house is as he says im not worthy to come up there and the situation we have is best suited at my place, he wont take me out, never spent a penny on me but in the same breath wont let me goi see him couple times a week, he talks down to me, last week he told me that he wasnt attracted to me to want to be with me properly but only sexually, and that he wants to be on he's own now, so i said fine and put across that i felt used etc, then he texs he's coming to see me monday and that he cant wait etc, he came round and he just reverts back to he's normal self, telling me that when he meets someone else he'll tell me and that he'll neva take me out and if i cant handle the situation then i need to get out, but in the past wen i do that he wants me back, im just so confused because when i met him he was such a weak willed man with no confidence or back bone and now its like he's got all my confidence and power and im left like him,He's the one that dictates everything and im the one that supplies financially continuously,but i just cant leave him......why!!!!!Please guys help me as i feel im going mad, it so hurts wen i say im leaving him and he's answer is " ok, no u wont be gone for long cos u love me to much"This is like being on a drug, why is he like this, why would he bother with me if he thinks so low of me, please help as i giving up on everything around me and my life is suffering as all i do all day/nite is analize!!!!
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Sorry everyone, it's me again.. It's about the Tarrot card, fortune telling thing. I didn't say clearly what I thought about it. Most of these so called Tarrot card/fortune tellers are crap and should be avoided at all costs. But when you have a good one, they can help by showing you the patterns in life, they can challenge obsessional thinking, by pointing out, that neither your cards, nor the future has changed because your getting stuck. These things are dangerous, and should be avoided at all costs. Unless you know what your doing, you can be really misled and spend lots of money on the fake stuff. I don't think this is the case with ladybird. She is not obsessional and from what understand there is no money involved. Here are my thoughts on the whole issue, please look at this link.http://www.dearcupid.org/question/relationships-getting-help-part-1.html
A
female
reader, lilacfox +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hi again,I too am sorry if anything i said caused any upset.I also re~read my post and i realise that i worded something wrong ~ when i said about being mad, i didn't mean that you as a person are mad, i meant that the BEHAVIOUR is mad.I don't think you as a person are mad at all, for one thing, a "mad" person wouldn't be trying to find ways to help themself as they wouldn't think there was a problem at all, they would be blissfully unaware, and blaming everyone and everything else ~ i think not unlike this man! if anyone is "mad" it is the people who are going round treating another human being in this way.People will always kick someone when they are down. When someone is going through a hard time, and has little or no confidence and self~esteem, they will carry themself in a certain way, it isn't conscious but it is body language. Bullies and manipulators have a kind of radar that seeks out these people. Bullies, manipulators and abusers more often than not have been bullied, manipulated and/or abused themselves ~ not saying that is an excuse for their behavoiur, cos it isn't! What i'm saying Ladybird, is that you are the strong one, cos you have the guts to seek help to break the chain. You are the one who has the courage to look inside themselves.There is one quality that you have! :o)A self esteem group will be difficult, as they will get you to look for the good in yourself, and one who has had nothing but crap thrown at them their whole life will only be able to see the bad. There is good and bad in all of us as human beings, just like there is night and day, and sun and rain. It may be difficult, but you can do it cos you're strong and have courage. You have proved this much already.You owe it to yourself to give yourself a break. These people have fucked up enough of your life already haven't they? If you need any revenge at all on these people, the best revenge of all would be to be happy and confident, and to like yourself.Take care XX
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reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (29 August 2008):
AND TISH, BLOODY HELL, HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED HER OUT... (Diovanlestat bangs head against wall) Sorry Tish, I just took it for granted that you knew I meant you too.... AAHAHAHAHAH
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female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (29 August 2008):
Thanks Trish about stopping me in my tracks and reminding us why therapy can sometimes be helpfull. That's why it's great we are all here. We have one aim and that's to get Ladybird of the cycle of destructive relationships and learn to stand up for herself and say enough is enough...
As I've said, I tried therapy and it didn't work. It made things worse. I stopped going for a year, but now I'm going back because I know what type of therapy will help me and I know what I want to achieve. Cognative Behavioural Therapy is what I choose. I also have negative coping mechanisms, and I need help to make better choices in life. It's just that like you, I've never had the issues that ladybird has had. I don't that therapy can make things worse and if she can't go or won't respond it won't be much help. If I remember rightly, she has an appointment with a counsellor and of course she should go. But if it's gonna bring up too many issues, well she may not be strong enough to cope with that, and the "self esteme stuff may suit her better."
We've seen changes, we've seen differences in her behaviour. But we all agree, the thinking process is not making the same changes as her behaviour dose. Sorry ladybird Tisha is right (per usual) some of the questions sound the same. Why dose he do this, because he can. Will him and her meet again, who knows and who cares??? How do I tell him off, how do I tell her off... Well you just do it and you tell them to piss off. Your Jackass guy, your friend, well they will never change. I'm a pragmatist, I go for what works, and if Fortune Teller's help you get on with the day and start thinking about a positive future, then I'm ok with that.
Most fortune teller's and people that read Tarrot, well they are con men, the take your money and do nothing at all. But you get so stressed out sometimes by your "obsessional thoughts", that you need something to reassure you, so you can start doing important stuff. No your not crazy, thankfully, the tarrot reader turned over the right card... "Malicious woman" is right, your ex friend is definately that....
If your going to the bar to tackle your friend, if your going to show strength and determination then that is all good. But if your going to watch them because you are jealous, the Tish is right and you need help to deal with your faulty thinking....
Anyway it's not a choice of this or that. You can do it all. You go to your counselling appointment in September and you clearly tell them that your past is off limits and you need some help with the present day.
Please Tish, don't go away, we need some sensible advice to tackle this situation. Your like an older sister, we know you don't bullshit, and we know you like healthy living, and healthy thoughts. I don't want you to go, and I don't ladybird to go away either. There must be a middle path. Let's think of actions, because when it comes to those, well then ladybird is doing very well...
Go to bar and tell ex-friend and ex-boyfriend to go to help. Keep counselling appointment and discuss thoughts of "will he forget me, why dose he do this, is he having fun with somebody else, are they talking about me again." Then go on woman's self esteem course, to find the way to say "YOU KNOW WHAT... I DON'T FUCKING CARE".....
Blessings to all of my friends, lets not fight, we all have one aim, and that's to get rid of one nasty guy and one nasty friend and find happiness in life....
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reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
 I have obviously touched a very raw nerve, with my personal observation that the choices our Ladybird is making may not be in her own best interests, and that I perceive a repeating pattern of thought processes.
Yes, I admit I have been pushing for therapy. I am doing so because for me, back in my 20s, therapy was very helpful. I wasn't in an abusive relationship, nor have I ever been abused by family or friends, but I was engaging in behaviors that were detrimental to my own well-being. They were coping mechanisms that may have helped me get through stressful times when I was a little girl, but as an adult in the real world, these coping mechanisms were causing me major problems. I had to change them, I just didn't realize it at the time. So as a result of my problems, I started seeing a psychologist who helped me recognize what worked and what wasn't working in the way I tackled these problems. I'm being vague here because I don't really think that the details of the therapy and my situation are pertinent. What I'm trying to get across, and have been trying to explain, I guess rather poorly, is that the coping mechanisms that do not work need to be replaced with new ones that do work.
What I see in Ladybird is a struggle to change the thinking processes, but without any help from a professional therapist. We are the amateurs here, and while we play an important role in support and cheerleading successes, we cannot provide the new tools that she needs to change her thinking patterns surrounding this. This is the moving along on the same rails thought that I keep mentioning.
There are therapists out there who work in cognitive, cognitive analytic and cognitive behavioral therapy. These therapists don't spend a lot of time dwelling in the past or bringing up old hurts. Instead they focus on recognizing the destructive thinking, avoiding falling into the same traps and provide new ways of coping with the situations the client encounters. They typically tend to be short-term, not long-term, nor do they dwell on childhood traumas or the past.
I'm not suggesting that counseling is going to magically make Ladybird all better. I think if you read back on my previous posts on this, what I've tried to get across is the development of new coping strategies. I think I've said it a bunch of times. I haven't gone back and reread all my posts, but that is what I've been trying to say.
And forgive me if this seems harsh, but I'm trying to understand why a potentially helpful therapy session is being dismissed without even trying it.
I acknowledge that not all therapy helps all clients. I'm sorry it didn't work for you Diovan, and that the new therapist was crap, Pepper. But the fact remains that therapy does help many people, and if you choose the right approach, you don't have to dwell on all the abuse issues of the past or raise spectres of previous suffering to relive it all over again. So yes, if you have had negative experiences in therapy, I can see why you might avoid trying it again.
But, what I'm having trouble understanding is the outright dismissal of it as potentially helpful. What are you afraid of? If it is bringing up the past and becoming resentful of your mother, well, then choose the right style of therapy for you. Do some research. Here's some weblinks that explain the different approaches. http://www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/theoretical_approaches.phphttp://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/behavioural.htmlhttp://www.allaboutcounseling.com/counseling_approaches.htm
I know I'm being perceived as attacking Ladybird, but I'm trying to say what I observe in the on-going work she is doing. And what I feel I'm seeing is some repeating thought processes that set her back, and do so on a repeat basis. If that isn't what people want to hear or read, that is fine, you don't have to read it or pay any attention to me. If you don't want me to post on this again, Ladybird, that is perfectly fine with me. But I would not be doing what I think we're supposed to be doing on this site if I didn't tell you what my analysis of the situation is.
I don't know your daily life, I don't know all that you've been through, I only know what I read on here on a daily basis. I know that the feelings are real and cannot be changed or altered overnight, or even in a few months. I acknowledge that they are real and they are compelling and they hurt a lot.
What I'm challenging is the behavior and the choices made on the basis of the feelings, because I don't think that they all are in your best interest, Ladybird. (And I know a little bit about making the wrong choices due to a lack of good coping mechanisms because that is what I did in the past.) And I think, I hope, that a little bit of the right kind of therapy may give you some tools that you can use to deal with the situation you find yourself in.
So that's why I wrote what I did and I wondered what kind of answer I would get. I kind of expected that the therapy would be avoided at all costs, because of the hurtful feelings it can bring up, and apparently has. Again, I'm not at all suggesting that therapy will cure all, I don't think I ever have, maybe I'm wrong. But what is the harm in loading yourself with all the positive coping skills you can possibly manage to learn? Why is that to be avoided?
You can't change the past, you can't change what's happened to you, you have the feelings you have and they are what they are. But you CAN change how you tackle the problems and how you think about them. And by blowing off therapy because of "only because when my past has been dug up before i become very very resentful, especially towards my mum, i cant change her....", I wholeheartedly agree with you, you can't change your mum. But you can change the way you react and how YOU cope with it. And by choosing the right therapy and the right therapist, you DON'T HAVE TO dig through the muck of the past. You can instead learn to spot the flawed coping mechanism, identify the triggering situations or emotions and create new, improved, healthy ways of handling these stressors.
I think self-esteem classes are a great idea!!! They will reinforce that you are valuable, that you are worthy, that you are precious.
I do agree that you are making strides forward and I know you're stronger than you think because you've managed to control the impulse to contact him. I know that he represents years of your life and that can't be so easily erased or rewritten.
But I remind you that you came here with a purpose, and that was to try to deal with the situation.
"im just so confused because when i met him he was such a weak willed man with no confidence or back bone and now its like he's got all my confidence and power and im left like him."
and "Please guys help me as i feel im going mad, it so hurts wen i say im leaving him and he's answer is " ok, no u wont be gone for long cos u love me to much"
"This is like being on a drug, why is he like this, why would he bother with me if he thinks so low of me, please help as i giving up on everything around me and my life is suffering as all i do all day/nite is analize!!!!"
And if you read that last sentence, you are still asking yourself that same question, aren't you? That's what I mean about being in the same rut.
Now I did a list about halfway through the time that listed all your forward strides. And now Diovan has reminded us of the strength you've shown through the new things you've done. So I continue to applaud you and send hugs from across the Atlantic.
So I am sorry if my words were perceived as harsh or attacking, but I have to speak to what I see as flawed logic. If you want me to stop, I will, I don't want to hurt you, I'm trying to help you.
If you're feeling angry toward me, good! That shows some great spine and gumption! Now the question is, what are you going to do with that anger? Because deep down, I think, it's not me you're angry with, it's him.
Best wishes, Ladybird.
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female
reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
 WOW! Hunny 500 answers and questions dont you ever worry that you have let anyone down sweetpea, you only need look back on what I believe is a record for d/c cant be sure but its the longest thread ive seen and ive been here for awhile now...They cant get rid of me! :) Im off to the flat again this weekend for quality time with my fella. You try and enjoy your weekend and maybe do something different than you would normally do love..I dunno go mad dress up in facy dress n go out, Thats what I did with the kids one day not to long after my ex shit head! I was cher big red wig leggins and some strange top :) my eldest son was were's wally that was a scream my middle son was Lenny Kravitz HA! n my little girl was a skate boarder we all went out in the day and did mad things and we did pop a few smiles on peoples faces...Thats me though lets go mad not go down! YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU, THERE ARE SO MANY LOOKING OUT FOR YOU HUN AND WE ALL LOVE YA XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, Jovial  + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hello again
Ladybird honey, I am sorry if I am one of those who probably attacked or judged you, I have reread my post and i think its a bit harsh (I totally misunderstood); forgive me. And I dont think you are wasting anyone's time because I have seen you coming out of a relationship that has damaged your confidence and becoming stronger by day. Like i said some days are better than others.
I think your yesterday last post didnt reveal much like you did today, It was like a woman full of jealous because her exfriend and exbfriend may hooke-up and after all they have put u through it didnt make sense to me why you needed reassurance they may not.
I need to clear this for you as well, when I do not respond its not because I am abondoning you, its because I feel useless and dont know how to pick you up, so i feel it is better not to respond when i am not feeling objective or strong enough. Your situation its really upsetting and i feel responsible to help you get stronger thats why everytime when I try to be tough on you its because I dont want you to fall to the same trap that broken hearted people do, feel sorry and bitter towards themselves, I been there done that, it didnt work.
One thing that really makes me so mad is that you are a loving, caring and nurturing woman, you had been and are a pillar of strength to everyone around you, and i ask God why cant he give you somebody who can give back much more than you can give? I get stuck, however I believe its not too late for you, love will find you.
Back to the gossip mongers - Something I have learnt about this low lives is that they talk even when u did something good they will always have something to make it look bad. remember these are two people who have hurt you so badly they know you can accept them willfully in your life again, so what do they do? if we cant have her no one will. They will go extra mile to bring you down. It hurts them they feel stark naked when your attention is not focussed to them.
If you feel you are strong enough to face them in that club do go and set them straight, you dont have to rearrange your life and change your usual club because they go there.
DiovanLestat has raised some interesting facts on your progress and like i said this is a setback, finding your way out again its the most important thing.
With the tarrot readings, I am glad you are not paying for them. But honey are these readings helping you cope with the situation constructively? I just dont like them when they say he will contact you because if it were me i would die of curiosity boggling my mind about what he is going to say how he will say it and if i will fall into his trap and respond anyway thats me. If they are helping you, yes continue with them.
Have a good weekend
Jovial
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female
reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
I absolutly agree diovan hunny, Sometimes counselling can work but like you it did not work for me as soon as I got used to someone they would leave and Id be passed on to a stranger who couldnt be bothered to read my notes so then it all started again from the beginning I had to tell my story over and over again..So fucking depressing, Some counselling does work though so its always worth trying hunny..Ive just come out of counselling for my p.t.s. and it was fine untill my lovely counsellor moved on to another post, And I had a bad weekend awhile back did a few daft things diovan knows what Im talking about. And the new counsellor came to me and said " if you feel like that again take a valium and phone us" YEA! On a friday night and of course when your really bad you will stop and think wont you NO! And his attitude pissed me right off so I refuse to go to see him, not only that but they no Im not to good with men and after what Ive been through its understandable to want a woman to open up with... Ladybird has been through hell and back and I for one take my hat of to her, Ive been in this situation I had a friend for 16yrs who turned her back on me because I was not so available to her as I once was. And she chose to talk behind my back. Yes you feel like you have been stabbed in the back expecially if you have gone out of your way to help someone...
But Im past all that now Ive grown from my experiences and so will ladybird it take time to come to terms with life when its been so shit for so long...Hunny you havent let anyone down ok, Your doing fine all I ever say to you is think about you and find happiness love as you so deserve peace of mind, You will, I have faith in you hunny, you will do it and you will be stronger for it. JUST BELIEVE ALWAYS IN YOU! LOTS OF LOVE UR FRIEND MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, carebear +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Hi All
Oh please forgive me for laughing but this thread atually means I am not going mad myself lol.I agree with everything D/L has said I have tried them all too & the tarot cards I even tossed a bloody coin. I tourchered myself & everyone around me for a lyin cheating drunken B....... who is still the same to this day and yes he still has the power to hurt me, een whe he don't even try. last week both daughter went shopping, they saw him he walked past his own daughter!!!!!! I could go on & on like ladybird but I also acted like DL I have told him numerious times to fuck off piss off to no avail he still calls hiya like ahhhh I have called his g/f, scratched his pride & joy (his car) oh man you name it I done it, you just need to figure a way to get through it. I do belive my day like yours will come, I can actually laugh at him now, look him in the eye and tell him I despise everything about him you know his answer I am sorry I was with you 18yrs so what! I wish I had never met the thing. I am bitter yes it took me along time and so much happened its going on 6yrs we split in 2002. I can prob relate to many problems on this site had a colourful life but this different even my own family including my kids thought I was crazy, they often thought I would do something silly ( so did I) but am still here stronger, and so will you be ladybird. Just keep posting we will not desert you or think bad of you you do enough to yourself lol.D/L anychance you can read my cards lol.
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reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (29 August 2008):
Hi everyone, Jovial, Pepper, Oldfool (cause an oldfool knows what an oldfool knows) welcome to our happy/confused group Carebear, lilacfox and ms anonymous...
There are a lot of people on dear cupid, and they have problems, we give simple advice that dosen't cost anything, but ladybird is different, when you join her we are entering her world, up's and down's, sucess and failure, we are working together, to give one lady happiness and for that I am gratefully for everyone that has stayed on board... Sorry if I've forgotten to thank anyone.. Q1605, Minelisse, banditsmom, Aunt Audrey, Ches, Genna Bullock, Duskyrowe, Eyeswideopen, Krishwishi, and Fade...Wow, that's a lot of people that care about our ladybird, 495 answers (soon to hit 500) that's a lot of people who care about one lady and want her to find happiness in life. For that I thank you all, I thank you for your kindness and your attention, I don't think Dear Cupid has ever seen such a concentrated effort to help one human being to find happiness....
Hi Tish, I know you think that with some counselling, everything will be alright for ladybird. But I've been to counselling, I've done it for years..... It dosen't always help, it hasn't helped me. I got sick, and then I tried to get well. I went to counselling, but it's very difficult. The first counsellor made me suicidal when she brought up childhood things, and painfull memories that I had forgotten and buried. I was left alone and in pain, and to make it worse, she destroyed the thing that had made my happy, made me sane, she took away my love of books. I got thousands of books, but after seeing her, well I've forgotten how to read... A big price for getting well.... Then I had tons of counsellors who gave me 10 sessions, and said, "hey your a clever person, you know more than us, you know what books to read, you know what to do, your on your own"..... I had a counsellor who threw me out on the street, crying and in pain. Just because I asked her, "whats the point of you reading so many books and having qualifications, when you really can't help anybody get well"... that gave me a diagnoisis of "bordeline personality" and I've asked what that is but nobody can give me an answer... The best was the psychatrist who asked me over and over again if I could read (I own about 20,000 books and I used to read 6 books a night) seems he had his own hangups, black people with problems can't read, and no matter what I said this is what he believed.....
Tarrot readings, fortune telling, well this stuff is frightening and can seem like madness. But for what I understand in Ladybirds situation, they are not telling her any different from what she is hearing from us. They're not telling her he's a good guy, they are not telling her to hang on. They're giving the same advice that we do, and in this situation, they are providing more protection and more common sense than a room full of counsellors and psychologist who have read too many books.
I know how ladybird feels, I'm going back to counselling but that's ok for me. Ladybird has rejected it, she's gonna try a session of "woman's self esteem" instead. Dose it matter if it works. She hasn't contacted the PONCE, he's the one that is running after her.
Ladybird needs some credit here, she has changed, she is begining to get tough. She heard he and her ex friend was laughing at her. She was sick, she started to vomit, but she didn't contact him. Instead she went to sleep, she got in the car and drove 26 miles with her daughter, the next morning, she didn't want to do it, but she did. She went on holiday, she had fun, she tried to forget about everything. He texted her, she didn't call him, she text him back "I'm fine, I'm on holiday" and she went on having fun... Now that's a change, he no longer dictates, she's getting stronger, day by day, she is starting to ignore him and she's starting to think about her life and what she wants to achieve.... He calls her, she dosen't call him, and sometimes she dosen't respond and when she dose it is short and sweet... "Hi, I'm ok, have a nice life".. that takes strength and courage, remember she is still in love with him, and we're talking months here not years.
This journey with ladybird, well it has been hard and frustrating at times. Her thoughts may be screwy but each and every time, her actions are what we advise. She's trying hard, but feelings are hard to turn off. I know that, we all know that. But by watching her strength at last I was able to tell my ex to piss off... I couldn't do forever, well that was too hard, but I gave myself a year, very little, but a big jump for me and for that I must thank Ladybird again.
Usually advice has no costs, but ladybird draws out our blood and misery. We've lost one aunt, an uncle is in pain. many aunts have shared their misery of past abuse, and suffering and pain. For that again I thank you ladybird, and I thank everyone who has helped, cried, and gone back into their own shame to help this lady out....
Things have gotten bigger. We're not only dealing with a stupid ponce, we are also dealing with freinds that betray and a loss of reputation. Ladybird is a businesswoman, she is trying to open a shop. She lives a small community, she can't let it get out that she is an easy touch. She is stuck, yes there is a pattern into which she has been trapped, but she can't walk away, we are talking about more than love and obsession here. Her friend has betrayed her, her man has said that it's easy to take her for a ride. She can't let that go, she has her reputation, her business, her pride to think off now...
That's why I agree, that maybe she has to show her face, she has to tackle those that have hurt her, and there is no option to walk away... Ladybird, we need you to be strong, like Oldfool says "maybe you need to return to the scene of the crime". But you need to be strong, keep your dignity. If you need to explode make sure you look good doing it and you stay in control... It would be best if you could walk away, but now your reputation is at stake and you've been pushed into a corner where you need to fight back. You must realise however that a man, and loving a man is one thing. But respect and reputation means that you have to handle this with honor, courage and pride.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGoodmorning and WOW, ive some responses here to get threw
firstly and again thank you for still coming on my thread but i will say i feel im being a bit attacked here, some words mentioned has upset me a bit but only purely because there has been words mentioned from my ex abuser but i shall try and go threw each individual post and reply....
i think things have got a bit twisted here on the way im thinking and i will try to explain to my best, for those who has not followed the post from day one i feel its hard for you to rply to what i feel that i have made progress if only a little
if it wasnt for this thread i can assure you that by now i would of been back with him by now and stuck in the same situation, so please dont think your time and words are wasted because there not, i wouldnt be continueing this journey of trying to break free, because being abused for 39years of my life will never be an over nite success, and you have to experience this to realise
with regards to my ex friend....well the reason im so hung up/obsessed or what ever over her is because, in the 20years of friendship i was always the stronger party, in business,being there and sorting everyones problems out etc, and this she did have a hung up on, now we are split we do have a very large circle of friends where we all no eachother
she has always known that this guy is my weakness and now she has had the oppotunity of reaching him and talking about me and not hesitating on repeating this to everyone is a big affect on me....its like shes trying to score brownie points....now im also largely known for businesses in my area and with all this shit shes telling everyone and my private life being disclosed is not nice for me on a reputation side...so yes she has found my weakness and is using it to her advantage,now because of my loyalty to my friend who told me about all this im strangled from confronting her and putting a stop to it, so at the moment she still has the run to continuing
at this present moment with regards to him im not hung up over him, the reason for me to go to the bar is to hopefully see them so it takes the pressure of my friend who told me and ive seen it for myself, which my face will say all
as for my children, yes if it was happening to them i would probaly kill the perpretator, but thats because im a loving caring protective mum, unfortunately my mum is also an abuser and controls me left right and centre so i sont have that support
tarot reads..... i think i have mentioned before that i dont pay for my reads as i put alot of people her way and im not charged, like the other day i just took a little bunch of flowers for her to say thank you
Counselling....yes i have the appointment still scheduled for next week, whether im going to attend i dont no, only because when my past has been dug up before i become very very resentful, especially towards my mum, i cant change her....thats why i have opted to go with a friend to self esteem classes
i am feeling really bad now to you all because you may feel im wasting your time, but i wish you could see i have made a little progress if only a little that is all thnks to you guys, and its a big step for someone that has been beaten,rejected unloved and mentally abused for all my life....i cannot switch off just like that
as for MAD, that does affect me because that is all my ex use to say, your mad, sick in the head and need help....so maybe you are all right there as he thought that to
so now i shall lay low, reflect and mybe come back one day and tell you all im free and happy or still in the stuck position
you are all close to my heart and i value you all and your support has brought me on even if you feel not
he texd me last night and i rejected him, so u see you do help
im sorry to you all as now im feeling i have let you all down ,yes i am sad, but hey im big enuf and uglier enuf to sort this....
thank you x x x x x
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reader, Jovial + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
Hello Ladybird
I have been following thru all the updates and all the responds I guess I just didnt know what to say because i think you are dwelling more on what your exes thinks of you than what you want to see your life without them so i guess i just dont know what to really say to you that can make u feel good about yourself.
Welcome back from your holiday, glad you had a good time, I am sorry tho about the health glitches I dont know what are the implications and causes of the pleurisy tried googling to get a basis of it. Based on that little info I did receive I believe you strongly need to look after yourself.
That man had caused nothing but misery in your life the whole five year long term, so please do not let yourself to move to the 6th year still mourning an undeserving bastard. yes you loved him so what? its over and unfortunately for you to him it never started since he told you he couldnt love you, so ask yourself why are u torturing urself over this?
The reason i brought this up its because you said something like you still hope to reunite with this man if thats not what u hope for why then did u say something like this? " "she bet her life on it that the ex friend would not be arranging another evening in the place with him....[my ex-friend has] changed in the sense she's loved up and bang into her new man...so that reassured me more"
This is your life you choose who to take/reject. However I would like to believe that your happiness should come first, so its up to you if you need closure or a rerun with this man? I know this may sound very lame but why do you care if your ex-friend and him hook-up? In my book they definitley deserve each other. Like oldfool said they sit around and discuss you because they are low life unhappy people who knows how much they have lost in you. I suspect this scheming old friend wanted you to hear all this things intentionally because she knew it will throw you off the rails thats why she told your friend. And voila its working, you have become more upset and bitter and hun thats what they were waiting for.
I am also with Tisha on this one, the tarrot readings are not helping you instead they are making you go round in circle you will never heal if you keep opening opportunities to hurt yourself. Spend your money on yourself or kids if you cant find a therapist. these readings always tells you he will contact you and what do you do? you sit and long for his texts or call, and those things never brought you any relief i.e his last contact brought a much bigger setback, i think you were making a lot of progress until those texts.
Love
Jovial
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reader, carebear +, writes (29 August 2008):
Dear ladybird,Please listen to he other aunts don't go there! No matter what you do you will never win with this guy I know I have been there also. They are giving you the best advice possible. Concentrate on getting better physicilly and mentaly, for some strange reason and this is what you have to get help with as others suggested this guy has the power to crush you even when he's not on the scene?????We are only thinking of you when we say these things yes you are mad lol to want to keep repeating the cycle, it no good, its not fun please listen keep posting with you irashinal thought and we will keep you right and take care of yourself.
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reader, lilacfox +, writes (29 August 2008):
Hi,I have not read through all 400 or so replies to this ( ;o) ) so please forgive me if i duplicate anything anyone else has said.You asked just now "am i mad?" ?In a short answer, yes.I don't mean that in a nasty way, but as a wise man once said "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."The man is a predator, and a parasite.You are addicted to being treated like a doormat, and a piece of scum. Yes, I know that sounds mad, but if being treated that way is all someone is used to, it becomes the norm. Anything outside the norm is scary and unknown.You need to take a look in the mirror and have a word with yourself. Do you have any close friends? Do you have family members or children?How would you feel, and what would you say if you were seeing them being treated like this?Someone will only treat you this badly if you allow them to. Once, yes ok, if you didn't know what the person was like and they screwed you over, you'd just have to chalk it up to experience, but time and time and time again?If you can't have a word with yourself about this, then get yourself to a self esteem group or even an addicts meeting. I can bet you any money in the world that there will be at least one person in an NA meeting that you identify with!But please, please, have some respect for yourself as a human being and stop allowing yourself to be abused in this way!!!Good luck XX
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reader, oldfool  + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
 "she bet her life on it that the ex friend would not be arranging another evening in the place with him....[my ex-friend has] changed in the sense she's loved up and bang into her new man...so that reassured me more"
Why are you still so jealous at the possibility that someone else may be getting your ponce? There is something terribly wrong here. The thoughts are all wrong. You're walking the walk and talking the talk of getting out of this guy's control, and then you turn around and say things that show you're scared of losing him!
If you're so scared that someone else is going to get your ponce, for goodness sake go back to him!
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reader, oldfool + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
Sorry to hear about the pleurisy.
If it helps you reach closure, by all means go to the scene of the crime.
But I can only repeat what I said. He still matters to you, what he does still matters to you, and you won't be over this until he doesn't matter any more.
He used you and abused you; that's why you came on here. We told you he was no good but you refused to believe it and you couldn't get him out of your head. Now he's gloating and you feel hurt, and you still can't get him out of your head. The one and only problem you have to resolve is getting him out of your head.
Ok, he's hurting you by laughing and gloating over everything he did. If it makes you feel better to let him know that you know, well fine. But everyone on here can see one thing much more clearly than you can: COME WHAT MAY, YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE PONCE OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
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reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (28 August 2008):
Hi, hope all are well. I've been busy and have finally had a chance to catch up on DearCupid.
Ladybird, I would like to ask you some questions. Can you explain to me why you aren't taking the money for tarot card readings which do not help you and use the money for a counselor or therapist, who would help you?
I ask because you seem to be making the same moves over and over again. And now you are plotting something that will either leave you a) feeling frustrated and somehow cheated if loserman isn't there, which is likely or b) causing a scene which you'll then replay over and over again in your head.
And then the pattern will repeat itself. You've been here for over 3 months and have yet to speak with a counselor or therapist. I think you said that you have an appointment on September 4th, was it? Have you confirmed the appointment? It is in one week's time, I think, if I have the date right. You haven't mentioned it again.
I'm bringing this up again because until you recognize that you have to change your choices and behavior, you will be stuck in this cycle for a long long time. And maybe the known is less scary than the unknown. But you came here because the known was bad for your mental health. It seems that the way you felt and still feel has hit a plateau. You're not making forward progress. You're spinning your wheels. You're hoping that your mental state will improve though you are making choices that seem to me will only cause you more upset.
So my other question regards the counseling appointment. How do you feel about going to the appointment? Scared, excited, anxious, do you think it will be something positive that you are doing?
It seems to me that your number one priority should be your mental health. And I don't feel that you have grasped that yet.
Pepper and Diovan and Oldfool and Jovial and all the aunts who have posted here have all been saying essentially the same thing. You need to work on forgetting about him, you need to take care of yourself, you need to make some good choices.
What I saw today was that you're floundering around figuring out ways of getting revenge or seeing him when you know you are vulnerable to him. Is this a positive choice?
You have pleurisy, and you discharged yourself against doctor's orders. Was this a positive choice?
Sorry for being stern, but I am concerned that you will continue to make choices that will hinder your recovery.
Hugs from this side of the Atlantic.
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reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (28 August 2008):
Hi Ladybird, Hi Pepper, hi everyone... I'm following along even if I don't post on this question sometimes. Thanks Pepper for being here, I'm reading what you say, and it's all good. Me and you both know how much happiness there can be in life when you get rid of the things that keep holding you back.... Malicious friends are as bad as abusive men, both of them drain your energy, they drain your spirit and hurt your purse. But try not to get things mixed up here. Hurtfull friends are one thing, hurtfull men are another. They're not linked up, they are two different things. I know that they were gossiping about you, but you know what they say. Misery loves company. You were planning to go away and have fun on your holiday. What were they doing, well they were sitting down and talking about you. You've asked before, what if he forgets you, well it dosen't seem as if he has. Even when he goes out, the only thing he has to talk about is you. I don't like your "ex friend", I don't like her at all. What a bitch, she's got her guy, why isn't she at home being happy with him. Who hangs out with her ex-girlfriends ex-guy, only somebody who is unhappy with life, and has nothing better to do. She's got millionaire, why wasn't she out with him, or at home being "loved up"... A case of jealousy big time, she's not as happy as she's trying to make out.
Your friend is right, there is nothing between your Jerk and this bitchy ex-friend. She likes money and he likes money, they like hurting people, somehow I can't see the two of them together, not for friendship and not for anything else.
So you think he'll call in 4days or 4weeks. Well I don't think it'll be 4weeks, I think it'll be sooner than that. You see he has a pattern, and 4weeks just dosen't fit. I think you should wait, I don't think you should try to go to the club to find him. There's no point, you might find him, but I'll bet money that he won't be with her. You should wait for him to text you, he'll be calling any day soon. Then let him have it, tell him to fuck off because you are definately much too good for him. Tell you know the truth, you know that he has deliberately been using you. He'll be so surprised, you can also tell him you have his address so he better be carefull, or one day you'll pop round and you'll take back all the stuff you bought....
You can't go to the club if your going to embarrass yourself. Your either calm and dignified or you will look a fool. If your not strong enough, well then babes, you can't go. What will you say to him if you see him there. He won't be will this bitch friend of yours, he'll be on his own or with some friends. If you got a temper you could do it with style. Take a friend with you, walk into the bar, order a bottle of champagne, pour it over his head and then walk out...
I like that one, but I'm mean and nasty that way. Don't go there unless your strong enough, because you running away like a fool, or you shouting and screaming will just show him how much power he still has over you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again pepper
oh please believe me hun, if and only if they ere both in there, im trying to train my mind to do near on what u said, dont think i could smile, but i certainly would make them see me and i hope to calmly turn around and walk to another part of the bar and ignore them...HOWEVER knowing my temper, lol it could go the other way and i''ll be like a bull in the china shop and flip, but i will keep saying to myself....PEPPER SAYS STAY CALM,PEPPER SAYS STAY CHILLED, PEPPER SAYS I CAN DO THIS WITH DIGNITY....lol
i dont think now she'll be in there but he mite...oh im soooo looking forward to it.... probaly end up with none of them in there, but you no what, at least my brain can rest till the next week
am i mad????
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reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (28 August 2008):
Even if they were together ya no what Id do hun, If I saw them out I would casually say hi in passing with a big smile on my face..That is the best way to deal with this kind of thing..Truely and honestly they probably expect you to be mad so reverse it and dont give either one of them the satisfaction of letting them no...Hope you feel better soon sweetheart lots of love n hugs moi XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, hope everyone is well
and pepper, thank you for your support still and thank you for your kind words, i believe due to your own strngth you have been able to speak out with all that you have been through and its from your strength that keeps me believeing that there i a light at the end of the tunnel for me, you encourage me and help me believe in myself and im honoured to have you help me through my turmoils!!!!! thank you
im feeling little better in myself, pleurisy is still there as still painful when im breathing but expect a coupe more days of it, im not resting like i should be but as long as i can walk then i shall use my legs...
im still having these irrational thoughts about my ex mate, plotting and planning to meet up with him again to carry on being vindictive towards me, this is driving me mad, i went to see my friend , who told me what had happened, and bless her she did all she could to rationalize what i was thinking by reassuring me that she is loved up with her millionaire who she practically lives with and she bet her life on it that the ex friend would not be arranging another evening in the place with him, she said something that hit it on the head, im remembering my ex friend how she use to be and what she would of done if she was single!!!!! shes changed in the sense she's loved up and bang into her new man...so that reassured me more
however ive decided im going to go out saturday night and to the place it all happened, its a place ive been to a few times before, the last time i went there tho, he did walk in and i then walked out, so its not looking dodgy if i go there and he is there...it will be a further peace of mind for me, you may think im mad but please understand where im coming from, otherwise saturday nite i'll be hear doing my head in!!!!!........if there both in there then could someone please have bail money on hand!!! lol
had my hair coloured today, and oh yeah ive also had a tarot read......it was spooky as the first card she pulled out was...MALICIOUS WOMAN CARD...anyhow in a nut shell, he will still contact me again...NO STILL HEARD NOWT SINCE LAST TEX WHEN I WAS AWAY.....she sees the number 4, doesnt think it will be in next 4 days so more like in next 4 weeks!!!!!
so other than my ex mate doing my head in more, im holding up and trying to relax a bit today as the hospital ordered i rest as i discharged myself, bit like telling an alcoholic not to drink!!!!!!
thats my news today so far and look forward to hearing from you all
Mmmmwauh x x x x
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reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (28 August 2008):
Hi sweetheart I always take a look to see if ur ok, You know you said , You have wondered why Im so patient and stand by you...Becoming to know you has made me stronger... Well Ive always wanted to write my story down. And never had the time or the real need to go back over certain events to be able to do that. Its not really that nice to remember how low you got when you woke up with beer cans all around you love...There is an awfull lot that has gone on in my life that I would never really know were to start, But its you that has helped me. So your worth more than you seem to think....Yes Ive got stronger but not without going through a heap of shit love, And Ive been were you are..And you see I always always believed in something no matter how hard or low things got..I believed I was a good person who was going through some huge learning curves never stopped believing that love....And if you dont believe in you then who can you believe in.. Your worth more than this crap your putting yourself through everyday...Ive mannaged to write quite alot on this thred and its only because of you I did that, you have done alot for others on here in the time you've been going through all this shit hunny we've been there for you because you have been there for us YOUR STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, pepper27 + ♥, writes (27 August 2008):
Hi love I hope your feeling better this morning you must look after YOU!!!!This is just the kind of thing I went tnrough your body is run down its tired love so you will get ill if you dont look after yourself. I had one infection after another I was so ground down by my ex arse that like I said it will make you very ill. You no I had money from my home and he spent it all or I gave it to him just to shut him up..I had what I thought was a friend and because he was so clever he went to her house to speak with her husband and they phoned me telling me that I should not treat HIM!!!!! the way I was...After me not telling a soul I was been beaten day in day out and mentally abused..He told them a bunch of crap without me even knowing he was there as he couldnt stand her (his own words) So that was the end of that friendship for me...To keep him away I popped the keys in my new car and gave it to him so he would just bloody go, It doesnt matter what people say or do its what you do in the end and its YOU! YOU! Thats the important one NOT FRIENDS THAT DONT CARE!!!! NOT HIM WHO YOU THINK HAS ONE OVER ON YOU!!!! ITS YOU! FUCK HIM FUCK THEM AND GO AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOU AND TELL YOURSELF YOUR WORTH MORE THAN THIS SO VERY MUCH MORE SWEETHEART! And start getting you healthy again, You look after you hunny its all you need think about right now..HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS ME XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi all
this been my first chance tonite (1.02am) to get on here
took my son for he's driving theory test and he PASSED, so vey proud of him
then came home and from 4pm was up the hospital with very bad chest pains, oh my they gave me morphine,pethodine ecg's,xrays and then put me on the acute medical ward as they suspected either a blood clot or pleurisy, had my children with me and tried to contact my mate ,the one that told me what had happened with my ex friend and him, to come and collect my children as they were going to keep me in, and she knew from earlier that i was up the hospital, and she blanked all my calls and voicemails, that gutted me, because then i was told i have pleurisy and to stay in to observe....i didnt i discharged myself and now home
still in pain when i breathe but going to bed shortly as feel spaced out with all those drugs they gave!!!!
oldfool...nice to hear from you like always....he hasnt got me hooked over the drink and chat its just a question of being hurt by them, i think by the way my health has been lately maybe it will be hitting ock bottom with that will probaly shake me out of it, i dont no, maybe aswell its pride, i still dont like the fact he and her think thay can laugh and take the piss out of my emotions and feelings and be allowed to sit there thinking i dont no!!!!!
hi tish, hope you are well and also nice to hear from you
fade, thank you for your support to
im going to bed now, whacked out.....another day to get threw tommoro
nite nite
x x x
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reader, Fade878  +, writes (26 August 2008):
 She's not a good enough friend, otherwise she would have stayed the hell away from him.
You have to stop caring about he has one over you.
Think about it; you know he is selfish, is not capable of loving you or being anything remotely like a man. He's not reliable, he's untrustworthy, he's abusive.
What do you care what an ahole thinks?
Push it away. And focus on you and your daughter. Anytime you get him in your head, push it away. Go to a mirror. Tell yourself how beautiful you are, how successful you are, how you are a strong, proud woman. You don't need anyone. You are number 1.
Then act like you are.
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