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He's in a relationship yet he spent 6 to 7 hours in a bar and on his own? what should I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I had been with my partner for about 8 months when he ended it out of the blue and I was heartbroken, he said he wasn’t having fun anymore and I do agree that I let my depression get in the way, and it was a lot of baggage for him to take on.

I spent two weeks begging for him back, driving to his with love notes and gifts and promising I would change.

Eventually on Thursday he came to mine and we made love and cuddled and he said we can get back together but this is the last shot. It made me so happy, but two days later I feel like I am walking on eggshells in fear of losing him.

Last night I invited him to mine as my nephew was over and it was his birthday so we were having a tea party but he declined because it was the anniversary of his best mates step dad dying so he was spending it with him and I thought what a wonderful friend, he said they were going to the pub so I left him to it.

At 10pm though he text me asking me to drive over and I said it was too late I was in bed, I asked how his night had gone and he said he wasn’t with his friend, he didn’t turn up!!

And he has been in the pub on his own for three hours. I tried explaining as nice as possible that its worrying he's at his local pub where everyone thinks he is single and he is sitting there drinking, he immediately lost it saying he wouldn’t put up with my s^^t so I apologised like crazy and he just told me to go to sleep, and when I asked when I could see him next he just said “we’ll see”.

In the morning I message him and he stayed there till midnight! whats a guy in a relationship doing in a pub “on his own” for like 6-7 hours?

But I left it, I asked him to come over and he said he would be an hour so I put on my skimpiest underwear to surprise him, he texts me then saying he’s going out for breakfast with his friend, it’s now three hours later and I’m sitting here in my underwear.

What do I do? I wouldn’t have minded if he said I could have made plans but now I am here alone waiting. Usually id tell him how I feel but I cant without him maybe leaving me.

He's always going on about how skint he is to but he can afford to drink?

My birthday is in two weeks and he hasn’t got me anything, he said he has £50 to last the rest of the month.

I spent £300 on his birthday, I know its not about costings but right now I feel like maybe he is taking advantage of me, I love him so much but can it work if I cant voice how I feel in fear he will lose me?

View related questions: anniversary, get back together, heartbroken, text, underwear

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 July 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntSweetie you cannot be in a relationship where you are scared to tell him how you feel, that will not work. You should take some time on your own to work through your depression, I understand it's a tough thing to do, but there is plenty of help out there.

You said to him it was worrying that he was in a pub where people thought he was single, why would this worry you? Do you have trust issues? I honestly don't see the harm in him being in the pub, he should be able to do anything he likes. If you are insecure you need to work on that as well.

He called you at ten, this makes me think he is just wanting sex, again when you changed in to your lingerie I think you knew that was the best way to get his attention, do not allow him to use you for sex, it will make you feel even worse about yourself.

He went for breakfast with his friend and just left you waiting, a boyfriend who cared would not treat you like that, he would ask you along or cancel breakfast, it sounds like he is just not interested anymore and I think deep down you know this since he has broken up with you. I think he may have agreed to get back with you out of sympathy because I am sure he still cares about you but other than that I really don't think he wants to be with you anymore and you need to get the truth from him so you can sort out your life,

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI think YOU should work on your depression and your OWN issues, not be the only one who tries to make this relationship work.

As for presents and B-day spending. If you can't afford to spend £300, you shouldn't. If you KNOW he can't afford to spend the same amount on you, you should lower what you spend on him.

It's a choice how much you spend. You CHOSE to spend £300 on him, I think knowing that he can't afford that amount on you. OR did he tell you I want XYC and if I don't get that we are done? If so, you should have saved your money and broken up.

As for him spending time in the pub alone. I don't see the big deal. Whether he is IN a relationship, married, engaged or single. GOING to the pub is such a big part of British "culture".

It doesn't sounds like this relationship is going very well, and I think you know it. Seems like it's about sex. The fact that he will make plans with you and then change then as SOON as he find something better to do, like going out to breakfast with a friend. Why didn't he suggest you tag along? Does he keep you separate from his friends?

I think you need to accept that you can not have a healthy relationship if YOU are the one making ALL the compromises and when you don't seem to trust him at all. I mean he is a grown man, so sitting at a pub for hours shouldn't be something to argue about. ( I'm on his side there).

YOU need to put yourself first and DEAL with your issues. The depression and the insecurities. He can't fix that for you. Being in a relationship can't fix that either.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (30 July 2016):

Denizen agony auntYou should concentrate on making yourself strong. You can't expect your young partner to prop you up. You are obviously a loving, caring person. However being with someone with depression is a burden, and it is not always one other can bear, or want to. It can sap their energy.

You must find coping mechanisms for your illness. Get some help, and also get a life outside your relationship. You will both benefit.

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