A
female
age
36-40,
Ask oldersister
writes:I guess I am writing this or sharing my story because I want to provide some help/education to those of you affected by this illness, or know someone with it, or if you are just helping out posters that have this condition.I am 37yrs old and I was first officially diagnosed with manic depression (now called bipolar 1 disorder) when I was 19-it typically takes on average 12yrs to be diagnosed and back then, it was considered an adult disorder. It would take a whole book to recount all the horrors, hospitalizations, drugs, running away, hitchiking across the country, arrests, rages, and financial/emotional/physical damage done to myself and my family from the age of 3, when I was diagnosed with ADHD (later conduct disorder, temporal lobe epilepsy, depression and then finally at age 13, "mentally ill"), until the age of 22 when I finally turned my life around because I found out I was pregnant. I never really cared about my own life until I had my son. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my dad moved to Europe so my sister and I were stuck with alcoholic mom. My symptoms started when I was very young but my parents didn't believe in medication so I was put on special diets to curb my hyperactivity, temper, defiance, and insomnia. I was adopted so my parents had no idea the history of manic depression that ran in my biological family, including my own biological mother who had me at 16. My first arrests and drug problems started as early as elementary school- I just didn't know how to calm myself down or what to do with all the adrenaline that would randomly attack my body. I once told my mother when I was 4 that I thought my brain was sick. I self medicated a lot at a very young age and my grades in school were up and down until I was kicked out of school. The turning point for my parents (really, my mom) was when my rages turned to physically assaulting her and she no longer felt safe with me in the home and although I'd been going to therapy, I was referred to a psychiatrist who said I was ill and put me in a hospital. No diagnosis, just mentally ill. Once again, my parents were against any medication so I had group therapy, individual therapy, and meetings with the psychiatrist daily and attended NA meetings held at the hospital. After about 3 1/2 mths, my insurance ran out and they wanted to place me in a long term hospital but there was no rooms available so I went to a halfway house. I had already been to juvenile so if I fucked up there it was pretty much over for me- Texas youth correction or a state hospital. I got kicked out of the halfway house and my mother picked me up crying saying no place would accept me and that I couldn't live with her and my Dad wouldn't take me and she couldn't see me locked up. As soon as I walked into the house, I went to the medication cabinet and took all of her prescription pills so I could just die, I thought it would be easier for everyone. I didn't have to have my stomach pumped but I threw up violently for almost 2 days. Then I ran away to Austin and lived pretty much on the streets and dealt with more predators than I care to mention- I probably had more street smarts at that age than most adults ever will and I thought I was pretty tough but looking back, I was just a screwed up kid that got really, really, lucky that nothing bad ever happened to me like being raped or molested or even kidnapped. I then got arrested again and placed back in juvenile-3rd offense. The only good thing about this whole ordeal was that my parents had money so instead of living out my adolescence in a hospital or prison, I was finally accepted into a boarding school on the east coast that agreed to deal with my " behavior problems" and I had a high IQ so they were flexible. My records were sealed and this was my "last chance". That school probably saved my life and I was fortunate to have a really excellent therapist (didn't know one of those existed, seriously, more bad ones out there) and he told my parents I would do well on Lithium since the resident psychiatrist suggested it for me but my parents thought that was too radical and that I just needed therapy to control myself and make a commitment to not acting out like it was some choice or something- like I'd been screwing everyone over deliberately. I did a little better in a structured environment and they allowed me to paint all day and take courses when I wanted to which resulted in me being 19 with an 8th grade education- it would take years for me to finish highschool (I never did) because I was so behind and all of my prior education had been so severely interrupted. Against my therapist's recommendation (he said my parents were in denial and I'd get back into drugs), my father withdrew me from boarding school to come live with him and my stepmom. I had to go to a shitty therapist 2x a week who ended up recommending me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with manic depression and prescribed me Lithium and my parents decided that would be it for therapy and doctors- I was an adult now and had to act like one and I'd had too much therapy in my life- diminishing marginal returns I guess and they weren't into the whole medicating me thing. It wasn't long before I started spiralling out of control and then using cocaine and that landed me in the hospital again at age 21 and then insurance dropped me and my parents where left with 30k in hospital bills. They kicked me out but paid for an apartment for me to live in another city where I started using harder drugs. My parents otherwise cut me off as a part of their lives- they gave up at that point, thought I'd die so they detached. There was a time when I was pregnant at 22 that I thought it was irresponsible for me to bring a child in this world and although I had been 6mths clean into my 6th month of pregnancy, a heroin addicted friend showed up at my apartment and there was a tempting moment where I had decided to OD and just get it over with but I broke down and cried instead- never touched drugs since. My thoughts at the time were that I would have a manic depressive child and the world would be awful for him/her. She, the friend, had been diagnosed with terminal cancer so it was a suicide pact- she died (od'd on heroin) a week later. Medication changed my life but I've only recently accepted fully my illness and made a commitment to it. People have trouble understanding why bipolar people can't stay on medication because the condition is so easily treatable. Well, my first year on medication robbed me of what I thought was my personality, my humor, my creativity, and my spontaneaity. All the life long friends I had told me I was "boring" now and no fun and that I didn't need to be on it. It's hard to give that up. I had to let those people go and I had no friends. I didn't know how to be normal but I was functioning which lent stability but I missed those euphoric highs and feelings of invincibility. It's very difficult to rebuild yourself in a new way and it feels like a death. It took many years to find the right combination of medications and that's very frustrating too. Meds stop working like they used to as well so it takes a constant dialogue going with your doctor. Medication allowed me to raise my son in a healthy way, send him to private school, put myself through my Bachelor's and Master's but it hasn't been seamless.I cancelled my account on DC at the beginning of this year because I made the conscious decision to go off medication- I needed all that energy and focus to get through the end of my Master's, work, and take care of my son. That worked for about 3 months until I came crashing down and my doctor wanted to hospitalize me. Fortunately, he's known me over 10yrs (very important to stick with the same doctor) and through over drugging me initially and daily phone conversations and meetings, I was able to remain at home and stay out of the hospital. He wanted me to postpone schooling but I showed up to class like a zombie- I just had to finish. He just called me tonight to see how I'm doing tapering down the doses to the right level. It's so important to build that relationship with your doctor and to find one that will make that same commitment to you or your loved one. He knew that hospitalization would compromise custody of my son and he trusted my commitment to my child enough to do what he did with the medication.I guess the message I'm trying to get across here is that to not give up and to not listen to those people who tell you that you don't need medication and that you can just 'work it out' on your own like you have some sort of will power problem. I was so ashamed of this disease and taking medication that only my mom and sister knew because they witnessed it first hand living with me. I just came out to my extended family, not that it made a difference, I'm still ostracized even though I've been stable (with that one exception a couple of months ago) for 15 years. I'm not angry about that, whatever, or angry at my parents- they didn't know any better. My immediate family are now fully supportive of me and we can now talk about it openly which is amazing- I no longer hide behind that shame and secrecy- the cat's out of the bag in a good way. They said they've always known but now they are reading about it and asking me about it so it's brought us closer, no more denial. Ironically, it was me accepting it and being okay with it that reversed their whole denial thing. Don't be afraid to trust people that love you with this.Bipolar is a chemical imbalance, not a personality disorder so no amount of therapy in the world works unless you are chemically stablilized first. Posts come in here about bipolar and having a bipolar partner and the first question that needs to be asked immediately is "is this person taking their medication?" The best intentions, love, therapy, or reasoning is no match for a chemically imbalanced 'hyperfocused' bipolar person. There is also a stigma about bipolar that we are all abusive and angry which isn't true at all. Some of the most talented, successful, artistic people in history have had manic depression and some of them today are CEO's of large corporations. I've known many bipolar people and they are pretty much like me- euphoric highs for a couple of months, following a few months of boring normal, and then the crash which includes withdrawal and isolation. It's mainly bipolar kids that have the rages and erratic day to day behavior like how I was as a child- it's called early onset bipolar now. Adults that are like this are more than likely suffering from Borderline PD- goes undiagnosed a lot- also, insurance doesn't cover BPD like it does bipolar and most therapists run for the hills if you have BPD. Many of the posts that come in talking about being a punching bag emotionally or physically from a bipolar boyfriend/girlfriend is probably someone with borderline. Telling posters that medication is bad or that it has long term ramifications is deadly to someone with this disease so if you are bipolar, make sure you don't keep these people in your life or listen to them. Their intentions aren't bad but just completely ignorant and toxic to your condition- it's already too tempting to stop taking your meds. Also, it's okay to not tell people you have it if you feel they may judge you for it, it's none of their business.To those of you that know someone or are involved with someone with bipolar, please do not have contact with them if they are not taking their medication and get the number to their doctor so you can call that doctor if you suspect something is out of wack- this isn't something you are equipped to handle through reasoning with them. If you do that, it's enabling them. A bipolar person unmedicated will have stronger conviction in what they are doing than any persuasive pleas you throw at them- no match. If you have bipolar, pick someone you really trust like a sponsor or family member you know will be strong if you aren't compliant and can tell when you aren't. Also, don't expect your doctor to 'educate' you about bipolar- they are just there to make sure you are neurologically stable and then they send you out the door with prescriptions in hand, they don't mess around with psychology talk. YOU have to get as educated as you can on your own about bipolar and that's through reading books about it and reading autobiographies of people with it- that's how you'll learn and help yourself and educate your doctor about you as an individual. You have to build that relationship.It's important to not let our inadequacies define us and to not use them as a crutch. Manic depression is something you just manage like diabetes, not something you survive or wear on your sleave or wear like some sort of badge of shame. It ain't an excuse and copping out by not taking your medication IS A CHOICE. It's so unimportant to be "normal" but it is so important to stay "functional". After being on medication for 15 yrs, I can tell you that it does not rob your personality or creativity although it feels like it at first. It's just a new way of functioning and coping that won't get you in trouble or hurt yourself or the ones you love. It takes a long time and a lot of dedication to build a new life in a healthier way and take it day by day. Talk to your doctor and if she/he isn't up to that, switch until you find one that is. If you have been recently diagnosed, the last place you need to go is to a therapist- therapy is if you need it AFTER you are chemically stabilized or it won't work- a therapist that doesn't enforce this is one you should never go back to. If you are with someone with bipolar and they are in therapy but not medicated, there is a problem. If your medication makes you feel bad, then it's up to you to tell your doctor and keep those lines of communication open. What works for some doesn't work for others.Also, be hesitant about a doctor that wants to put you on anti-depressants without any kind of anti-convulsant or mood stabilizer because they probably are incompetent. If you are truly bipolar, anti-depressants will push you into a manic phase- one of the first symptoms that someone is bipolar and not suffering from depression. Lithium has the highest success rate and is still the front line treatment so it's worth a try before you start doing medication cocktails pushed by pharmeceutical companies.If you have a child that's been diagnosed as bipolar, please get a second opinion- they are overdiagnosing it these days. Be very skeptical of a doctor who writes your child a prescription before ordering the relevant physical exams- change doctors. Make sure your child has a full physical including hormone levels checked and also a cat scan before you start medicating him/her. If all else is ruled out and your child does have it, public schools are required to accomodate this condition without placing your child in special ed classes. Your bipolar child will probably have a difficult time in a traditional school setting and you may see major swings in his or her grades- work with the teachers. ADHD and bipolar present similar symptoms in children and often one is mistaken for another. That's also being overdiagnosed so be careful before putting your child on medication. I've heard that there are herbal remedies for bipolar and I've tried them and they don't work but maybe with the newer types of bipolar that I'm unfamiliar with like bipolar 2 and rapid cycling, they may yeild more positive results. I can really only speak from my own experience and I hope this helps someone out there. Take care.
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female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 words cannot express the emotions i felt while reading your article. I was actually initially checking your 'stuff' because you used the word ya'll in an answer i just read and i knew you had to be from my 'neck of the woods.' lol This post was just amazing. It was educating without being boring, and emotional without sounding like a pity party rant. i am proud of you and samantha too. I know many of our aunt and uncles have overcome, (and/or are overcoming on a daily basis) great personal struggles. I am of the persuasion that, this is one thing that sets this sight above the rest. The no nonsense approach mixed with compassion is truly an awesome mix. I am on board as one of your greatest cheerleaders and wish you all the best. I am here if you ever need a friend. ;)
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female
reader, sofiamorgan  +, writes (24 August 2009):
 Utterly utterly brilliant article.
Askoldersister you have been through so much and come out of it an incredible incredible person. Reading your article brought tears to my eyes.
I cannot really find the words to express myself so forgive the short message but let me say this, Don't ever give up, you have been through so much and now it is time for you and your family.
Huge hugs
xxx
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (11 August 2009):
 I just wanted to say it fills my heart with gladness when i read about the generous amount of time people on DC give of their time, especially after reading your story for you to give back to others in the way that you are is commendable.
I take my hat off to you for reaching where you are now after what must have felt like an impossible task with what you have endured, you no doubt will give faith and hope to many others and that in itself is invaluable.
We all have much to learn from other people and i certainly took some points from your story which i will remember when answering any questions relating to Bipolar.
Thank you for having the honesty and time to share this with us all i wish you peace and happiness for ever more.
Gina
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (10 August 2009):
 Hey, sister, I have been your DC pal for awhile now and you have helped me tremendously with my own personal issues, you are a smart lady and wise and mature beyond your years.
I was shocked to learn from your story here all that you have gone through, especially as a child and I hate that for you.
I am so glad that you finally got the help you needed and I am convinced it was your high IQ that got you through your darkest moments...I know it has been a struggle for you, but you persevere as all of us must if not for ourselves then for the people who love and depend on us.
Anyway, it is a pleasure to know you and I think you are one of the wisest Aunts on DC. I think your idea of sponsoring someone in a support group would be very rewarding, and who knows you just might save a life! I can't think of anything more rewarding.
Thanks for sharing your story.
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female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (9 August 2009):
Ask oldersister is verified as being by the original poster of the question twistedelm- thanks for your posts. Unfortunately, some of the medications have side effects and maybe that is what your sister is experiencing? It's great that she has a good relationship with her doctor and that she is staying on medication so that's most of the battle and you can just be there to listen and support her.
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male
reader, twistedelm +, writes (9 August 2009):
At another place on this page I tryed to be light-hearted about my sister being Bi--polar. My sisters diagnosis was learned about while she was in the Navy. She was put into an isolated ward more than once because at first they did not know what was wrong with her. This was frighterning to her I believe becauser at the time all mental types were in the same ward. (this was a while back). it took some time to get her a doctor that she liked and later trusted. She was going thru highs and strong depressions. Also there are things about the service I better not repeat. We go to a VA hospital for treatment today and I guess we are lucky to never have any problems. My sister said the last time we saw her doctor that she gets tremors in her right hand. Her doctor gave her something to help. Some guys I know have asked me in the past / How can I help my sister? Im the type who wont answer such a stupid question. Also some others criticise me alot--I think it makes them feel big? Besides if I worried about that all the time Id never accomplish anything. take care really--
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reader, twistedelm +, writes (8 August 2009):
I really enjoyed learning more about (my sister) who is bipolar. My sister is on a stabilizer and lithium and if it wasnt for her pills she wouldnt be working. There is to much of a down-spiral about bi-polar people; in society in general. She has a difficult time realizing she can be positive about anything; we talk privately about this subject and its like I tell her you think its easy for me to be positive in a country that is 95% negative? Ive told her that NO its not your condition you have (at least with this problem)-societys conditions need to become a research project and studied and only then will experts realize the real problems society has. Its something that they will probably never do but is an interesting idea? So you see I talk to my sister with our wacky ideas because its fun too. She is human before she is bi-polar. take-care
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reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (8 August 2009):
Ask oldersister is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses, I really appreciate them!
And of course, for sharing your own stories, it's so important I'm realizing. I actually might join a support group and maybe sponsor someone that has just been diagnosed. I'm thinking about it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): thank you for writing this.if any professionals use this site read this.and learn from your mistakes!
i suffered for years because of useless incoherent babblers that were so called mental health specialists.others dont need to go through the same thing.stop messing around and do your job properly please!
once again thanks for writing this you are an inspiration to us all.and this will help a lot of people.
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reader, Samantha x + ♥, writes (8 August 2009):
 Ask oldersister...thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for your article. I hardly know what to say. To bare your soul like that...that is a huge thing. I feel really honoured to have read this.
What you have said has helped me so much too, seriously. I have had mental health problems since about 12. I became extremely depressed, and ever since my life has been an endless cycle of therapy. I have also had the experience of being in a psychiatric hospital, which wasn't very pleasant.
I was actually diagnosed with anxious/avoidant personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I was getting out of control, going out of my mind. I was reluctant to try medication though, because of the stigma, the side-effects, previous bad experiences on an anti-depressant...but I eventually started taking an anti-psychotic a couple of years ago, and it has saved my life.
Like you, I have had to accept the fact that I will probably need to take medication for life. Whenever I try to come off it, or lower the dose...it is horriffic. I literally lie in my room, screaming, because I can "feel" people in my head, and the anxiety is terrifying. Although I wish I didn't have to take the medication, especially because of some potentially serious side-effects, it has helped me a lot over the years, to grow. Like you mentioned, if you have diabetes, you have to take insulin. It's a similar thing. It's a condition that needs to be treated.
Your story also highlighted how these disorders can affect a person's life, and their relationships. I'm pleased to hear that your family are now supportive. I think mental health issues are finally starting to get the awareness they deserve, and hopefully more people will come to understand them. I think a lot of people may even have a mental health problem themselves, and not even realise it.
You are also right, about how we shouldn't let these things define who we are. For a long time, I believed that my personality was somehow "flawed", that I was wrong somehow. Sometimes I think the names of these disorders don't help. They can sound so scary and terrible. My diagnosis at first felt like a death sentence. But as you prove, it is not.
I really admire your strength, and I am so pleased that you have not given up. It sounds like you wanted to, many times, but you always rose up again, stronger than before, even if it didn't feel like it at the time. And I believe your words here will help so many people, in such a powerful way. You have already helped me more than I can say.
I hope things go well for you. Don't ever give up, you're not alone. And you are too valuable here, so stay strong! xxxxx
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reader, Danielepew  + ♥, writes (7 August 2009):
 Oldersister, I am a long-time friend of yours and I have made no secret that I admire your willpower and your courage. I will make no secret, either, that I admire you even more, if that is possible, now that I know about this.
You have gone through a lot, yet here you are, standing on your two feet and behaving like a responsible and wonderful adult. You look after your child, you help people here, and, above all, dear, despite your past, you have a bright future. One that you made yourself. You have the courage and the value that many of us wished we have.
Last week, I mentioned to you that I had been to the wake of the son of a colleague of mine. This man, 33 years old, died as a consequence of his being bipolar. He couldn't handle it. I always told my colleague that she had to take her son to the United States, because I had a friend who was a full human being despite her condition, and that I was sure that the right diagnosis and treatment was key. I am sure that this would have been important, but there was something this man didn't have, and you have in excess: BALLS. You made a conscious decision and choice to live fully, and he didn't.
I don't think I have words to really show my admiration.
Please, keep going. You'll be an inspiration for many, like you already are for me.
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reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (7 August 2009):
Ask oldersister is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust one more thing if you suspect your child or loved one may be bipolar or you don't trust the diagnosis- it's a book called "Bipolar Disorders- a guide to helping children & adolescents" by Mitzi Waltz. It has great resources for help, even for adults and dealing with family members with this condition. It's very accurate.
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