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Are we all THAT replaceable?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, Social Media<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 July 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 14 July 2018)
A male France age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dear friends,

I hope you are all well! I would like to have your advice today on a sensitive situation I am facing.

I broke up with my ex of 6 months. She was a beautiful girl and it is clear she has and had lots of success.

For some reason I feel very disposable when I think about her and our relationship, like I was just one the guys she has been with and I didn't count. She made me feel (or I could be sensitive over this) like I was very replaceable and that makes me feel very worthless.

It seems social media amplifies this impression, she has been showing of and flirting there a lot which increase the worthlessness feeling for me.

I tend to imagine her having sex with other guys, having a great time and that hurts.

So my question (thanks for following!). How can I be more at ease with this situation and how did you guys managed these feelings?

Love you all and thanks for your support

Regards

View related questions: broke up, flirt, my ex

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A male reader, Honest j United States +, writes (14 July 2018):

My friend your not over her yet and you haven’t moved on yet it take time and time is key. Your going go for emotional roller coaster ride and it’s not going be fun. The only way that you can move on is to except it through your heart and mind when when do both believe me you can truly move on. When you see her with another man it’s gonna hurt but going have to get pass that, if feel that You were replaceable that easy Then maybe you’re better off with someone else who is going to really love you don’t rack your braibn over it. I tell you what I tell my friends when they break up with their girlfriends ( WHY Are you crying over someone who doesn’t love you or want you you’re wasting your time!!!) move on...

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntthere and start being the man you've always wanted to be!

A woman you dated for 6 months is not the be all and end of of your life. You're talking about her replacing you but rather than mope about it, replace HER with the other things in YOUR life- more important things than a beautiful woman.

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A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntLook, you have to make your own luck in life.. if you trail after a woman that figuratively threw you away, obsessing over her social media HOW are you ever going to get over her?? Come on man DELETING the ex from social media is textbook, you're a 30+ year old man, you know this 16 year olds know as much- be strong, just do it! Sitting on social media all day is what teenagers do- get out there and start being the man you've always wanted to be!

A woman you dated for 6 months is not the be all and end of of your life. You're talking about her replacing you but rather than mope about it, replace HER with the other things in YOUR life.

SHE does not define you. She may throw you away like rubbish but that doesn't make you rubbish. Sounds like she loves male attention, and a flirt. Everyone has their own mind, body, achievements and is unique in their OWN special way-

Thinking in terms of "replacement" is meaningless- yes people get replaced everyday- but think about it when YOU find a long term partner/ wife you'll have replaced HER. It's just an unimportant concept!

Not trying to be mean just doing the tough love thing, you're not doing yourself any good by constantly reminding yourself of her everyday! And let's face it social media is not REALITY it's just the front door to the house; people buy a pretty door that looks nice and secures them from the world but you DON'T see the shit that goes on behind the front door. Photos are modified/ smiles are exaggerated for the camera/ statements decorated.. social media is now becoming worsening/ becoming a cause for mental illness.

So get out there, pursue what you love and find something that you're PASSIONATE about, that makes you feel proud fulfilled.. nobody can take self confidence, pride away from you. So be true to yourself and work towards something YOU WANT to achieve. At the moment trailing after a woman for her beauty/ success is just a waste of your time and is doing NOTHING for your self worth. Take care.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (13 July 2018):

CindyCares agony auntAre we all that replaceable ? Well, in a sense , yes- and that's not necessarily a negative thing, au contraire. In the sense that we all have the capacity, to a lesser or bigger degree according to different individual, to follow the forward motion of life, and to let go of things/ persons / situations that , for whatever reason, did not work out for us, and which we realize we could not / should not keep in our life. I stress " for whatever reason ", including those reasons not depending from out will ,like death.

Why, a person who loses his/ her spouse should never ever get remarried, and if they do, should this mean, in your opinion, that they never loved and valued the dead spouse ?

A parent who loses a child, and then proceed to have another child, is just coldly getting himself a " replacement " in your view ?

Some other, less dramatic, example : if you had a great time in high school, and loved your best friends, but then you go to a college 2000 miles away, do you forbid yourself to make new friends because you don't want to " replace " the old ones ?

If you lose a great job, do you stay unemployed ,pining for your lost great job, or do you start looking for a new, different job experience ?

It's not really a matter of " replacing " something or somebody, but much more a matter of honouring our limitless potential for love, pleasure, affection, connection...both giving it and receiving it.

If for some reason this potential wasn't / couldn't be expressed at its best with person X, then thanks God the flow of life brings us toward person Y, Z, W etc.etc. with whom , with a bit of luck, we could click better / feel more affinity and express our love potential at his fullest , and for the long haul.

This does not mean , of course, that person X is a no good, no value, disposal piece of s... per se. X may be a very decent, even an excellent individual- only not the "right one " for us, and our search for someone who is / feels just right is healthy, natural, normal and no reflection on the value of X as a person.

Of course this reasoning feels more

logical to the dumper than to the dumpee:)-The dumpee often will think " yeah , whatever; but, at the end of the day, … I just was not good enough for her ( or him )".

Well, in a sense, yes, that's undeniable, if she had thought you were the best thing ever happened after sliced bread, she would not have broken up with you, or forced you / pushed you to break up with her. But so what ??

You are good enough for lots of other people, I bet- family, friends, coworkers. And, for all you know, you can be more than good enough , excellent in fact, for who knows how many other ladies that you still have got to meet. And that you could meet if you took a leaf out of your ex's book and started dating and having fun, rather than stalking her social media and brooding and clinging to the past and feeling pettily envious for her good times !

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (13 July 2018):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou're not replaceable to anyone who truly loves you and cannot imagine a life without you.

You're also not replaceable to someone who's extremely dependent on you, emotionally or otherwise. My husband's parents don't really get along with each other but they have a strange relationship. He needs her to cook for him because he can't even heat water without burning it and she needs him because she can't live alone. So as far as they're concerned, while they don't even share the same bedroom, they are not replaceable for each other because they're so used to each other.

As for you, sweetheart you must always remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You can be the very best person in the world and yet there will always be someone who doesn't like you. That's how it is. And yes, this IS one of those instances where you're too good for her. Her loss!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 July 2018):

Post script:

You were only together 6 months; so she really didn't have enough time to get that attached to you. Don't take it too personally.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (13 July 2018):

TylerSage agony auntThey say the best way to get over an old boyfriend/girlfriend is to get a new one. Whether she's over you or not, getting a new boyfriend is the best way to get over you or to make you jealous enough to satisfy her contempt for you.

Like men, women can have very big egos. From my experience, a lot of them have so much pride that doing simple things like, admitting they were wrong, apologizing, being direct with their perspective or feelings, appreciating honesty, and not being petty is somewhat hard for them because many of them fear rejection, isolation, being disliked or having to deal with peoples emotions or worse, their own. As a result they will go to great lengths to avoid this. So if making you seem like a piece of garbage amongst her friends and complete strangers on Instagram as well as feeling good knowing that you're probably somewhere feeling sorry for yourself, some women will do that to avoid the humiliation of being human and hurting, or admitting they messed up, or just being vulnerable in the right way.

But alas, men are complete jerks too, so it's a yin-yang thing.

The best way to get over this break up is to focus on yourself for a bit. Learn to love yourself a bit more. Understand what makes you tick. Understand your likes and dislikes. Find complete happiness in your own company. Build yourself up with the right ingredients like a cake so that once someone else comes into your life she'll just be the icing on top.

Now that this relationship has ended you are one step closer to finding the right person for you.

All the best.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom + , writes (12 July 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntYou are not replaceable to the ones that truly love you. If someone does not love you and walks out of your life, then it is their loss. She lost someone who loved her, you did not. Stop sending love to her, she can't receive it. Send the love to yourself and those who do love you, friends and family.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 July 2018):

I was dumped and replaced only two months later. The only reason I was aware it happened, was because a friend ran into my ex with his new boyfriend; while they all were vacationing at a popular vacation spot. It hurt me at first; but I was so determined to get-over him, the pain was soon numbed. It made me even more determined to build-up my immunity and get-over the guy! He was a playboy! He also had a scary dark-side. I just tried to ignore that about him.

You see, I never followed him on social media after we broke-up. He told me I deserved better; so what choice did I have but to take him at his word?

He dumped me, so my only choice was to move on. Which I did. I went 100% no contact. I don't care who or what he is doing. I have a good job, a good life, and I'm surrounded by family and friends who love me. He was not my one and only source of love and affection. Nobody is my everything, but God!

It took time to reach that conclusion. I suffered a bit through the breakup, just as you are now. My feelings were hurt, my ego was bruised, and I felt rejected. We didn't fight or disagree before he dumped me; so I guess I just reached my expiration-date. We had a great time. Traveled together, he spent a lot of money, bought me presents; and I bought him presents, and spent lots of money too. It was delightful! The sex was out of this world! But it ended.

I came here to DC and wrote articles. I vented my feelings and made fun of myself. It helped me to grow and get past the pain. I now offer my wisdom and comfort to others facing difficulties and decisions in their lives. These people here are so full of wisdom, kindness, and humor. They gave me comfort and made me want to help others as well.

You have to remember that social media is a showcase for people to create whatever illusion of their lives they wish. It's like going to the movies, watching a play, or TV. There's a lot of fantasy, pretense, and a scripted-lifestyle they present for viewers.

You only see the show, but not what's happening behind the scenes.

She wants to hurt you. She wants you to know she has replaced you; before you replace her. Her methods are effective; because you're stalking her life, instead of minding your own business. Your pain is self-inflicted.

Out of sight, out of mind! Stop snooping!

You should be healing yourself with doing fun things. Reconnecting with your family and friends. Making new friends. Getting exercise and recreation; pushing yourself to do your best at work.

Now is the time for self-improvement. Getting to the gym, doing errands for your parents, or helping the elderly people in your family who can't get around. Putting yourself to good-use, helps keep your mind off your problems; and obsessing over a woman who has left you. She has a right to replace you. You were the wrong guy for her. She was obviously the wrong woman for you.

You idolized her beauty. She was a prized possession, and you placed her up on a pedestal. You weren't the man meant for her. Love should be based on the character and personality of a person. Not just their appearance and how good you enjoyed the sex. It simply didn't work.

Close your Facebook account for a while to avoid the temptation. Just blocking her will not be enough; you'll just unblock her, and continue stalking. Your mind needs a rest, and you need to find other ways to distract yourself.

Obsessing on her is wasting precious time and energy. It is also prolonging the pain of the breakup.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

Let's put it simply. To the WRONG people, yes, we are replaceable. To the right people, we cannot ever be replaced.

Chin up. She did not see your worth. You ARE special. You are irreplaceable. Once the right girl comes along, you won't ever feel this way again. xo

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (12 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntIf she cared about you then you would not be replaceable. If she made you feel that way then she was not the woman for you. Yes off course it is hurtful but you need to try and move on from it. Look it was 6 months, and it is clear from the way she made you feel that it was not going to work. In a relationship you should feel loved and cherished and like you are the only man for her. It hurts yes but you will move on. Just distract yourself. Take her off your social media and stop all contact. Go out with your friends and distract yourself from feeling sad.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntIn the basic sense of the word, yes we are replaceable. In relationship and in the workplace.

However, that doesn't mean that you have no worth or that an ex who is seeing someone new, gets one who is of equal value to you.

To your family and those who REALLY deeply care for you, you are not replaceable.

Sometimes you are a chapter, not a whole book. (to someone else) To her you were a chapter and you felt SHE was the whole book. Which means... you two weren't a good match.

If she replaced you as fast as she could she isn't LOOKING for a whole book. She will settle for chapters. Or she thinks that the more she "reads" (as in the more men she dates") the bigger the chance of finding the "right" one for her.

Some people move on rather quickly after a break up. Some don't. There isn't any set rules to what is right and what is wrong. Though I DO think TAKING your time to figure out WHAT went wrong, learn from it and NOT repeat it in the future can help.

You mention that she was beautiful and successful... but those aren't exactly traits that make a person GOOD at relationships.

I would advice you to stop looking at her social media. She is an ex and it's NOT helping you to move forward in life.

Instead of the images of her having sex with others, IF you are going to look back at your time with her, look back critically and try and figure out what went wrong and what NOT to do next time.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

No we are not all replaceable. I know people well into their 40's who are in and out of so called 'true love' relationships a few weeks after splitting up, it's simple they don't know the real meaning of love they just don't want to be alone.

Sorry but it's simple, she just wasn't the one for you, she may find it one day amongst all these men she is flitting about with but you need to move on from her to stand the chance of meeting someone who sings from the same hymn page.

She was not the one for you based on how you felt being with her. Block her facebook, stop torturing yourself and move on x

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