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An older man hit on me, asked me to kiss him. I worried to tell my boyfriend yet felt kind of turned on by the attention

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Question - (31 July 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Today was my last day in work so yesterday we went out for a meal and a few drinks. The company I worked for was massive and it employed lots of others companies. I ended up going to the toilet and one of the other companies was there and one of the gentleman said “hello gorgeous” I smiled and had a casual conversation with them and then the party I was with joined them. Eventually it ended up only being me, one man and that man who made the compliment (I worked in a high male environment). We had a few drinks and it was fun and emotional as I have been upset about leaving this job. The other man was staying the night in the pub we were at so me and the other man left as he was staying in a hotel near my home. We were walking back and I could tell he was flirting with me he kept saying how beautiful I was and attractive. We got to his hotel and I said bye and started to walk home where he grabbed my arm and said “give me a kiss” I said no.

The reason I said no is because I have a boyfriend who I have been with for four years. This is my dilemma do I tell my boyfriend? My boyfriend is much more attractive than me but never gets hit on as he doesn’t go out, I tend to get hit on and he doesn’t get happy about it, so will it just upset him? I don’t want to seem like I am lying to him. What would you do?

My worry is when I walked off I actually felt ashamed but the tiniest bit turned on. Is that normal? I mean this man is a lot older than me, I’m 20 and I found out today he is 46! But he is very successful with a good job and I think that is what made me feel like that since sometimes with my partner we do argue how he does nothing.

I thought the man would speak to me today but he completely avoided me till I went home being my last day so it isn’t like I will see him again, and yet I feel a bit upset with that. Please help.

View related questions: flirt, older man

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (3 August 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntMaybe this frisson of excitement you felt at this attention indicates that the boyfriend has hit your maximum level of patience. You want to spend time out with him and friends. He doesn't. This is how life will be, for the rest of your life, if you choose to stay with him. Is that the life you really want?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (2 August 2015):

If your boyfriend spends most of his time with you and never really goes out; when he does, it's the only time he gets to spend with his friends. He doesn't mind you going out, and seems to trust you. If you like dancing and he doesn't know how, don't expect him to want to go clubbing. He probably prefers drinking beers and shooting pool, and doing guy stuff. He knows that might bore you. He also needs guy-time, just getting away not to smother you, or feel smothered.

He doesn't invite you, because you don't like to do the same things when you go out. How you behave when you're out together, also has a lot to do with whether you're welcomed to be there. Guys don't like to appear "whipped" in-front of their guy friends. You may not understand that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank everyone what you have said makes a lot of sense.

I guess it just nice to feel complimented.

Tisha me and my boyfriend NEVER EVER go out together, like we will go cinema and meals but he will never come out on a night out with me and friends, saying he doesn't want to, he even didn't on my birthday. Yet he will go with one of his friends and never invites me despite me saying Id like to, it upsets me the most in our relationship.

Maybe that's why I liked the attention? being out with someone who said nice things.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

If you want to tell anyone...tell Human Resources and a lawyer!!!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

"This is my dilemma do I tell my boyfriend? My boyfriend is much more attractive than me but never gets hit on as he doesn’t go out,"

Did you say that to get sympathy? It makes no sense.

Seriously, girlfriend?!!

Your youth is the reason for your confusion about all this. No, it isn't necessary to tell your boyfriend; because you didn't do anything wrong, and the man made a blatant pass at you.

Why upset your boyfriend about something neither you nor he can reverse? Why do young lady's your age keep coming up with this silly question? I won't bite my tongue about it. All it does is generate drama!

There is nothing wrong about receiving compliments, but they weren't really compliments. They were sleazy, greasy, alcohol-laden inappropriate passes. You are pretty, but it isn't appropriate for him to say so, and he deserves a sexual-harassment lawsuit against him!

You're leaving the company, so he feels safe; the jerk!!! Karma, karma, karma! It will catch up with him someday!

You didn't handle it properly; because you're really too young and inexperienced to know how! You shouldn't have been alone with him.

Old leches like that are natural-born predators. You're not too young to know better than to drink too much, without someone to keep an eye on you. You were soaking up his empty and lecherous flirtations. Now that's why you feel guilty, and the fact you were tipsy and enjoyed it. You should have pulled away the minute he grabbed your arm.

That's water under the bridge now. That's what you do if something similar ever happens again.

You were turned on, because you had too much to drink!

You're young and full of hormones! That's part of your appeal to him!

No, now you want to go screw-up your relationship with some dumb crap about feeling guilty. Yes...I said dumb!

You want to upset your boyfriend; because your ego is inflated, and you want to see his manly over-reaction to the bad news. To raise your self-esteem to see him jealous over you. Oh, now you want to see how angry he gets about some guy coming on to you.

Get a grip! Oh, just cut it out! Really?!!

Alright, go ahead! Tell him all the details. More power to you girlfriend!

You'll regret it.

You confess sleeping with someone, or giving-in to their passes and making-out. You don't go report your poor mishandling of a situation; to jeopardize your relationship out of some misguided act of nobility. You're a pretty young girl in a middle-aged male-predominated business. It happens. You take that incident as a lesson. You want respect? Then earn it. Demand it. Take it. You know better now.

You shouldn't drink more than you can handle when you're not with your boyfriend. Maintain your dignity and professionalism whenever you are around the men you work with. Act cheap or too naive, they'll treat you that way.

You know a man should never take a kiss or touch you against your will. Even if think you're willing, not under the influence of alcohol; because you are vulnerable and less inhibited. You're human. A distinguished handsome successful man would turn anybody on. I'm gay, I've got one.

This is a life-lesson, and I'm your teacher.

If you need to make a confession. Here's the truth. One of the men at work came on to you, and it was awkward. You weren't sure exactly how you should have handled it, but you got away from him. That's what you did, and that's that.

"My boyfriend is more attractive than me" doesn't cut it. Is he supposed to be punished for it? Then if he's so hot, why is he with you? Don't say things we more experienced people can pick apart. You liked it a little bit, and that is innocent and natural. It was the alcohol and young hormones that made it a turn on. In hindsight, you see it for what it is. That means you're a good student, and you've learned a lesson.

No Baby-girl, do not upset your boyfriend about this!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntFirst of all, the man is a creep. He knows you have a boyfriend and he persisted in what is essentially sexual harassment. There will be those who could argue that you put yourself in that position but the point is that he is responsible for his behaviour, which was disrespectful and sexually aggressive. He wasn't flirting with you, he actually grabbed you and asked for something you'd already said "no" to. So he's an ass.

Next, you've been with your boyfriend since you were quite young, 15 or 16? It could be that you've outgrown him, that you are progressing in your career and goals and that your boyfriend isn't keeping.

You could be drawn to the older creepy ass because he seems successful and you have begun to think about your boyfriend more critically, as a potential life partner, and have begun to notice he may not be the best choice. Just because you started dating him at 15 or 16 and have been with him for 4 years may not be enough to say that you have to tie yourself to him for the rest of your life.

I would (1) have a good long think about your behaviour and choices, your dreams for your life and what you want from it, (2) examine if your handsome jealous and unambitious boyfriend is truly your best match and (3) learn to recognize sexual predators, no matter how successful or handsome. Bill Cosby was an internationally renowned actor, yet apparently he was also a serial sexual predator. Time to learn how to protect yourself. A swift knee to the groin might have really been a learning moment for the older 'successful' creepy dude.

You're going through some life changes, now is a good time to take an honest and frank assessment of your options. Breaking up with the boyfriend is one of the options too.

As for telling him, well, why not? Tell it all to him. You've known him for at least 4 years and should know how he'd react. We don't know.

If I were in your shoes, I'd shake off the nasty older creepy dude, rethink the boyfriend as he doesn't share your drive and I would not put myself in that situation with a man I didn't know while drunk...

You say you tend to get hit on and your boyfriend gets upset; while your boyfriend doesn't get hit on because he doesn't go out. So you don't go out together? And you say you argue about how "he does nothing." I'm not seeing much compatibility in this relationship you have right now.

Maybe Mr. Creep Handsy "Give Us A Kiss" Stereotypical Smarmy Loser is the wake up call that you need to make some better choices, in all sorts of ways.

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