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Why does this keep happening

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Question - (21 January 2023) 8 Answers - (Newest, 31 January 2023)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Dont people realize that when they tell someone they need a significant other, try to introduce people together, insinuate that there "might be something" "you never know" "give him a chance" "at least talk to him/call him" etc. that they're essentially telling that person that they need to get laid/have sex? Don't people realize how invasive and assuming and crass that is? I've finally gotten to just say, "I'm not looking for anyone" and that now (and many times over) leads people to think I'm easy or just put for sex! I've known guys for months in many different types of social situations where we got on great until we exchanged messanger or phone numbers or hung out in person (even in group) and they've still tried to get with me! They're response (more than once) "what did you expect, you said you didn't want a relationship!" Well no kidding! I don't want sex! In groups we'll talk one in one and it seems great until we hang out alone a few times, then they sexualize me. It's started in HS and as I've gotten older it's gotten worse! Females never want to hang out let alone be friends so I have no one. It's always been like that. What gives?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2023):

Original poster here, I guess

(A) I don't know how to ask the right questions!

(B) what a want in a "relationship" is a non-sexually friendship!

It shouldn't be this hard, I have no friends, either male or female. I only have casual acquaintances like coworkers, classmates (I'm trying to get another associates and some computer certificates), members of each church I'm trying to attend (Episcopal and Unitarian), and no one wants to even go for coffee or come over just to talk or invite me to their groups. I've tried the Democratic Headquarters (volunteer) and I'm both too liberal and too conservative. I've tried women's groups and same problem. I've tried bowling and pool and darts and I suck at all of the above so bad I'm asked why I'm there. I tried growing herbs and killed them all. I tried selling jewelry and oils and no one wants to buy. I've tried book clubs and art clubs and I've been ostracized by women. Women don't want to be friends and men want to turn a potential friendship into a sex shop. I'm at a loss

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (25 January 2023):

Fatherly Advice agony auntI'm honestly still trying to figure out what the OP wants. I suspect that the "people" she is complaining about are suffering under the same confusion.

I'm going to throw out two bit's of advice. Please chose the one that fits you.

A) If you are unhappy with the replies you are getting. Try asking the right question

B) You really need to decide what it is you want from a relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2023):

People know exactly what they're insinuating and you're right: it is very crass. It's also very assuming, especially since your post makes it sound like you have neither male nor female friends, and therefore these people are casual acquaintances or coworkers! (maybe relatives?)

I'd say call them in it! "Clare, I'm here to work, not find a significant other. If I make PLATONIC friends - no sexpectations - great." "Amy, I joined the book club to make like-minded FRIENDS, not to get laid" "Gee Aunt Barb, you seem awful concerned about my romantic life, how's it going with Rob? Is that husband #2?" If they say anything about you being rude or invasive ask them how it feels to have the tables turned.

And definitely, as soon as a potential guy friend sexualizes you, cut him off as you were advised earlier, "too bad we can't be friends then, I thought you were different "

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2023):

You are right to stick to what you want out of life but wrong to take so much notice of what other people think. Many have their own agenda - men will say you are wrong because they want to be the one who enjoys your body when you change your mind, women will think you are wrong because there are lots of them who think they are incomplete without a man. This all says a lot more about them than it does about you. There is also the fact that it makes people uncomfortable if you are happier than them. They don't like it. They get jealous.

I've got a friend who sits around bored all day. She watches tv, reads and chats on phone or goes out to lunch when she can get someone to meet up with her. She is not at all happy. She is forever going on at me about how I work too hard and should retire - she tells me there is a whole big wide world out there I should explore and enjoy. What she really means is she wants me to be available to go out to lunch with her whenever she wants so she can moan about how boring her life is and her various illnesses and visits to the hospital and doctor. Not sure how she thinks that would be a good idea from my point of view, or how that is exploring the big wide world. But it would suit her.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 January 2023):

Honeypie agony aunt" It's not normal to want to be single and sex free and then comolain about being lonely"

Anon male...

THAT is utter bullshit!

If you are CONSTANTLY propositioned for SEX when you are trying to build friendships and get to know people it PUTS you off sex. Absolutely kills your libido.

No one wants to be lonely - they might WANT to be single yet still have a social life.

Nothing wrong with that. But not wanting causal sex with some RANDON dude your friend wants to set you up with doesn't make OP "not normal".

I think you are missing the point here 100% anon Male.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2023):

Of course they know what they're saying! It's because if a woman is unattached, she's assumed to be easy (and desperate and willing) or she's suspect because potential women friends don't want her near their boyfriends and husbands! Have you actually tried sex or tried dating women? Or were you raped and molested and maybe need therapy to get over it so you can have sex like a normal person? It's not normal to want to be single and sex free and then comolain about being lonely

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (22 January 2023):

Honeypie agony auntI guess it is somewhat the result of the "hookup culture".

I think in some circles casual sex IS the "norm" and if you step out of the "norm", people will try and coral you back in.

However, I also think it depends on the people you surround yourself with. And maybe where you live?

If people around you keep presuming you are ALWAYS looking for the next guy to jump, I'd honestly not hang out with them. If they CAN NOT understand I'm fine without a sexual partner casual or not and I'm not looking for a sexual partner either, that is ON them, not you.

As for men why presumes that YOU giving out your number means you want to bang... they just need to be blocked. I think "That" kind of guy presumes the older you get (as a woman) the more desperate you will be, thus easier to get to bed.

I think I would just say (the moment they suggest casual sex) "How disappointing, here I thought you could be a great friend but you only think as far as your dick, which can't be very far. I'll never be THAT desperate." then block and delete.

I can't imagine having to deal with this kind of shit. And I'm sorry YOU and any other woman out there have to. Especially if you don't buy into the "hook-up culture bullshite".

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2023):

This isn't just a minor annoyance for you, you wouldn't have written in if you weren't actually really distressed about it! Yes, people know they're telling you to get laid, that's their point honey! You're coming across like you're needy and desperate, like you're hungry for attention and validation! Females aren't responding the way men do so you gravitate towards men. Then when they want you to give back after they compliment/flirt etc., you get offended that they're attracted to you. People want sex. It's normal. What's not normal is not wanting it at all but if you're asexual, I don't know what to tell you. Were you molested or raped or something?

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