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Why does every girl that I like want to be "just friends"?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 September 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 September 2017)
A male United States age 36-40, *jekim writes:

So I m now 29, for the last several years I haven t been able to start or get a relationship.

Every girl I ve shown interest in has turned out to be asexual, gay, not interested and only wants to be "friends".

In the last 7+ years I ve asked out many girls and gone on many dates... never gotten past a 3rd date... the couple that got to a 3rd, decided they liked me better as a friend or "don t date". Which I tried, till they started dating someone else and forgot about me.

This last girl is what broke me... met online, dated for like a month and a half, had two dates, fooled around, I say I like (not love) liked the time we spent together and her.gets really cold then says, she doesn t want a relationship and only wants to be friends. I tell her I liked her too much to be "just friends" and later.

What am I doing wrong? Why does every girl I like want to be "just friends"? Why does this keep happening, am I into too much geeky stuff?. I used to not care, but it s beginning to build up and it really ripping me up inside.

View related questions: met online

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt is impossible to say but it could be a number off reasons. Maybe you come across to needy or clingy. It could be that girls feel intimidated by you or that you make them feel uncomfortable. How do you go around a date? What do you do and what do you talk about? If we get more information we might be able to help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2017):

Impossible for us to know specifically what turns the girls off. However I will say that it is rarely looks, but more abt personality and how you conduct yourself. I will give some common examples of flaws in men where I or my friends have experiences liking men to a point but cut them off for some of the following:

-awkward/ doesn't pick up on social cues, ex puts feet on table, interrupts, lets door close on you, etc.

-only talks abt self, is not interested in what other person has to say (doesnt ask more questions or get you talking abt your interests)

-talks about hot girls in your company (this is locker room talk and almost all women hate to hear it- it is rude and also insulting to the girl you are with)-is

either too clingy, or possibly not involved enough (has to be balance)

-little sense of humour or a sense of humour that is very different than mine

-short temper or overly fussy about things (ex 'dont eat in my car' kind of mentality)

-insensitive

-too many female friends or too close to other females (most girls will shy away from guys who seem to be the 'player' type or overly friendly with everyone

I hope that this list sheds some light for you. These traits came about in otherwise good guys but the above are some of women's biggest pet peeves in my experience. Maybe you can adk a female friend for aome honest feedback on what she thinks your flaws are(explain you want to work on them for the dating scene).

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (4 September 2017):

There's not enough information there to give you a great answer. If you're getting to the third date, you're probably doing somethings right, but you're probably getting other things wrong.

Also, they probably find you attractive enough to go out with you, or else they wouldn't talk to you or go out with you. But if they're saying they just want to be friends, you're probably doing something wrong on those dates that puts them off.

Honestly, I would just ask them why they didn't like you. It'll hurt your ego a bit, but its best to find out what they didn't like and fix it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017):

Perhaps you're becoming too attached too soon. You may also give-off a vibe of trying way too hard to please. Your actions may come across as desperate for a girlfriend. In an over-powering desire to be liked, you may be over-sharing. Being antsy and nervous sends off the wrong signals as well.

It's difficult to get the point across to people that finding a match is a lengthy, deliberate, and difficult process. It is a a slow and frustrating (if not futile) process of selection and elimination. On both ends. Not just yours! You can't just instantly find people whose feelings immediately and magically attach to you. You also delude yourself into thinking you care more than you do about them; but it's really desperation at the wheel. An impulse to satisfy the demand, in the shortest time possible. Life nor love, is that cooperative. Neither are they predictable.

Reality-check! Sorry, but love doesn't show-up on demand. It is quite evasive, and appears when it damned well feels like it. Try as you may, you can't force it out of people, just because you like them first. They have to be on the same page. Now let this absorb into your thinking-patterns. Reprogram your mindset to enjoy dating; and to reserve your feelings for the right feedback. Pace yourself, and you won't be so easily disappointed.

People allow desperation, urgency, and an over-sized sense of entitlement to pressure them into lunging for the first person that shows a little interest. If you're constantly on a mission to nab a girlfriend; your anxiety and urgency comes across as pressure. I don't like pushy people, and I definitely don't like people to rush my feelings. I decide who I wish to be with, and how much I care about them. That isn't thrust upon me. Even if I like you; being pressured will force me to back-off. Even if just for being friends!

If you're not the guy they're looking for; they have a right to stop you in your tracks, and not waste your time. It might be a bit harsh to straight out tell you; it might be better they are honest. If you gave them enough time! But then, you'd complain they're bitchy and cold.

Nobody likes rejection. Sometimes people try to be too nice or compassionate (or downright phony), and try to let you down easy. You know they don't really want to be friends. Let your mature side accept that and move on. "You don't gotta, if you don't wanna!" As my friend from Brooklyn NY would put it.

If you race the clock, you will trample over people. Trying to force them into a relationship under pressure. You are somewhat putting them in that awkward position of cutting you off at the knees, in order to slow you down. Or flee, because you scare the hell out of them by being too nice. It comes across weird, creepy, or desperate.

My advice? Just slow your roll. If you're into a lot of "geeky stuff" don't put all your cards on the table at once. Allow them to tell you more about what they like, and introduce you to who they are. Reveal stuff about yourself in doses. They should know you're sober, healthy, sane, and kind; above all things.

We guys like to talk about ourselves. We sometimes get a little carried-away, and overshare. Only hiding the scariest stuff. Remember, you're a stranger. They are evaluating your personality. They are looking for character-flaws, weird quirks, measuring your confidence-level, temper, and your habits. They are checking-off their list of criteria; and if you don't fit, they'd "like you as a friend." How you meet gay women, I don't know? They aren't really known for going after straight-men. Maybe some gay dudes might!

Not everyone online is looking for a relationship. They like dating to keep them socially-active and to enlarge their circle of friends. To get out there and get their bearings in the dating-world. Women have to be especially careful. A mistake could be fatal, or they might end-up with a stalker.

You may not fit their romantic-criteria; but they may enjoy your company. It's up to you, you may wish them well on their way. You don't have to waste your time; nor should you grow bitter or anxious. While blowing their rejection all out of proportion. That bitterness and cynicism finds its way to the surface; and will unload itself on the next unsuspecting date/victim. She will flee, because intuitively she will pickup on that hidden-negativity, suppressed rage, and desperation you think you're hiding. Not to mention you may be overlooking the fact she's a lousy match to start with; because you just want a girlfriend so badly.

Nothing should be ripping you up inside. Being a drama queen isn't manly, nor is it mature. You learn from each situation and look back on it. Try to figure-out what you may have overlooked about these women; and what YOU DID that was consistent in each case. Retrospect on each date, and own your faults. Don't be quick to pass blame or feel rejected. It's the way life goes. You're supposed to enjoy dating as a way to meet women, be exposed to a variety of personality-types, expand your taste towards different body-types, and to find your best match. Don't just focus on good-looks!

When you buy a pair of sneakers or a suit; you look for the right size. You won't buy a pair that doesn't fit, or a style you don't like. Well, incorporate that insight and discretion into dating. Be as patient as you are in the showroom when picking a car you know you'll being making a payment-commitment to, for the duration. Like looking for an apartment you know you'll be committed to. For a lease extended to at least a whole year. You don't rush!

It will be good if you stop dating on a mission; and just enjoy getting to know women. Take your time. Stop letting your desperation overrule your common-sense. Stop allowing rejection to embitter you, and allow your maturity to temper your attitude. Adopt a sense of confidence and self-control. Getting pissed; because your perfect match won't just drop into your lap, is acting like a spoiled little-boy.

Finding a good-match is like hunting for treasure. Patient people maintain a positive-attitude and persevere, in spite of the impulse to rush. They are usually successful. As I myself, have learned.

If you pressure people, that alone sends them a bad signal about your personality. Whether you see it or not. They will let you know just by the fact they will avoid you.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (3 September 2017):

Myau agony auntNeed a lot more information here.

If your being honest:

Are you needy? Desperate? And a bit clingy?

Women don't like that. Men don't either btw.

Are the women happy to be with you in the beginning? Are you listening to them or just spouting your opinions?

From what you have written it could be any number of things.

You could just very insanely unlucky (it does happen) or just over opinionated (people hate that).

So without more info I cant answer sorry.

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