A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My question is: Is it acceptable to split up with a woman via email or over the phone. I have been dating for someone for about 4 months but it isn't going anywhere and I would like to end it. I want to do it properly in the right way. I was going to send an email explaining how I feel and leaving it open for her to meet up if she wants to talk about it. Also should I remain friends or is that a bad idea.I just spoke with my sister about this and she said this is not OK and that I should meet her for a coffee in a neutral place and do this. It is a fairly casual relationship but my girlfriend has hinted a few times that she'd like something more serious. I would not break up by text or by 'ghosting' but I kind of thought maybe a nice email was OK?My past relationships have just kind of drifted apart and two ex girlfriends broke up with me by email and phone but we were already drifting apart so it was OK. In this case though, my girlfriend seems quite attached to me and she is sensitive. There is nobody else involved. Any advice would be great. Thanks
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broke up, ex girlfriend, split up, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): Thank you! I have decided to ask to meet her in person but I just need to think about where so it's an appropriate place. You made some good points and useful comments.
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (28 December 2015):
The way not to do it: I have a friend who lived with her boyfriend. She came home one night and found him completely moved out and just a Post-it note left on the bathroom mirror to inform her of his intentions.
Have a personal conversation with her. I wouldn't do it in a public place...I can't imagine her wanting to hear this news where she might breakdown or if things get ugly. Doing it in person is best but I am not strongly opposed to doing it by phone.
As others here have suggested, make it final. Don't try to soften the blow by stringing her along with some hope of you getting back together. Good luck to both of you!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (28 December 2015):
 Please do not break up by text or email. It comes across as being very impersonal and cold hearted. Unless the girl has done something terrible to you (abuse) she deserves more than that form of treatment. There is no easy or kind way to break up with a person and if you truly feel she can't handle it in person, a phone call would be alright considering that you are not that serious. Be gentle if possible but firm. DO NOT offer to be friends. Most people cannot handle that after a break up and quite honestly its sort of a slap in the face.
You sound like a nice guy and do care for her feelings. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): If she been a nice person. Please do it in person, not by email, tex, or ghost her, be decent about it, not by the phone either, its going to hurt her, but remember, some times you don't realize what you got until their gone, be nice about it,don't be cold hearted, am sure you been dumped before, just remember how it felt, an how they did it, far as being friends, don't give her hope, cause it sounds, like she will, be hurting for a long time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2015): I first want to say excuse me if this post looks messed up but I am sending this via voice. it is almost never okay to break up with somebody via email or telephone for that matter. the only time it makes sense is if there is a case of possible abuse or abusive reactionor in a matter where it would not be safe to do it face to face. another reason that might make sense as if you are long distance and you don't physically see each other for long periods of time. even then, video chat would make the most sense. I realize in your case with your ex girlfriend you are already both drifting apart anyway. because this girl is sensitive and already attached to you, and because it seems easy to see her face to face, you at least owe her that much respect especially if you want to be friends. your sister is right that it should be a neutral place because if you were in her home or in your home, there would be an imbalance of control even if you don't mean it that way. a neutral place start you both off on even ground. additionally, if the coffee shop is busy enough, people will be more concerned with their own conversation and they won't be listening to what you say to her. there will still be hurt feelings no matter what, and she may not want to be friends because it just sucks to be friends with somebody you like who does not like you back. she may feel as though she were led on, but it is good to break up this soon so that she can heal more easily. I would definitely assure her that you are not seeing somebody elseand that you were only doing this because it is not fair to her to keep this going when you both don't want to go the same direction. I wish you the best of luck but I have to reiterate that this is something that must be done face to face.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 December 2015):
 Personally, I understand your sister's attitude, BUT - it's a casual relationship and it's only been going on for 4 months... so I do think an e-mail would be OK - I also think it would be "nicer" to call her up, it's less impersonal and if she is home she isn't having to fight tears or emotions in public. I would NOT suggest "friendship" because that is NOT what she is looking for or hinting at. So it would be (in a way) like leading her on. I think it's "kinder" to cut the contact after the break up (unless she wants to met in person).
Now let's say she is a friend of your sisters... or a friend of a friend, then YES meet up for coffee. And you mention she is a sensitive person, so do you think she can handle a break up in public, over coffee?
Breaking up via text.. IMHO is reserved for someone who "deserves" to be dumped that way, or when it's SAFER for the "dumper" to not meet up. Neither seems warranted in your relationship - so don't do it by text.
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