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What just happened? He’s getting a new phone and said that was it!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 February 2018) 2 Answers - (Newest, 26 February 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I don't even know how to start this...

5 years ago, I was 18 he was 17, I met this guy I had been working with and at first it was nothing, at least to me. I noticed that he kept to himself a lot and something inside of me said talk to him. Mind you he was someone that I wouldn't even pay attention to, completely not my type. We became friends pretty quickly and I was more comfortable with him as a friend than I ever was with anyone. Later I had found out that he had actually had feelings for me then. I remember when I starting realizing I wanted him more than just a friend, we were sitting in the parking lot of or work, which we did a lot until early hours just talking, and he was talking about his late dad and he started tearing up. I just remember feeling like damn I love him, and he said I don't ever do this ( which ended up actually being true), I thought at the time was a fib. Fast forward to a year later when we start dating, the whole year I just kept falling harder and harder. We were together for a great year, best year of my life, when he decided to enlist in the army. Now when he first told me that he wanted to enlist, I told him that I would support him that, for waiting for him wasn't an issue, and it wasn't. He wanted to end things then because he didn't want me just sitting around and waiting for him, we talk about how it would work and ended up deciding to not break up after his 3 month basic training and 100s of letters later we were planning on getting married. Then his mom decided to throw her say around, she had long talks with both of us separately. When she talked to him, he had basically told her that he was going too, so she then sat me down. She said " out of respect for me.. don't do this etc.." She likes to micromanage everyone. Weeks of her doing this we decide that we'll wait. 1 year later he is getting ready to go on a 9 month deployment. On month 9, weeks before he comes home, he started talking to me less and less and then ends it. Im devastated of course but I end contact.. for 2 weeks. We end up talking again, every day morning to night. He goes on leave and we hang out a couple times and the rest was spent with family. Before he came out I was trying to sell my old phone so he offered to buy it since he needed a new phone. So when he went back to post I told him once he paid me for the phone that we should stop talking, I also gave him everything back and he was obvious hurt both times. He goes back to post and we are still talking, he called me one time and said that the break up was pointless and made plans of traveling and marriage, he had me call him to wake him up every morning and we call each other every night. A few days ago he went out into the field, like a remote area, and is going to be gone for 2 weeks, the day he left he completely stopped talking to me, I thought it was just because he left for the field and didn't really pay attention. I was just going to wait for him to text me. Today he messages me and says that I can't text him anymore and we aren't talking anymore and that he's getting a new phone and that was it. I am at a loss for words and don't know that to do... I don't know what happened..

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHis mother was right.

I know you don't want to hear that but she was. You were BOTH way too young to be thinking about marriage.

I have "seen" your story SO many times when my husband was serving in the military, so many of his "brand new privates" had a GF at home either a HS sweetheart or someone they meet not too long before joining up.

And 9 out of 10 of these relationships DID NOT work out for various reasons. Mostly though because of age (being young), inexperience and not knowing how to communicate well. And those who DO end up getting married at 19-21 - ends up divorced a year or 3 later.

He SHOULD really have stuck to his initial plan of NOT dating you when joining up. So you BOTH could move on with your OWN paths in life.

He was having to "grow up" FAST in the military in all the ways (except emotionally, really) and you were put on a shelf waiting for nest step in HIS plan. YOUR world all of a sudden REVOLVES around HIM. And he really has VERY little control over his career and life at this point. I know it sounds cliche... but at this point in his life - the MILITARY "owns" him.

The fact that you broke up with him TWICE during the time together and he wanted to break up once - it kind of shows that NEITHER of you were ready for marriage.

The thing is, I think HE has discovered that he is NOT ready for the commitment of marriage, yet. It might be years. And it IS NOT fair to have you sit on some shelf and WAIT for that to happen or NOT happen.

I think the abrupt way he ended things was due to him thinking it was easier to have a CLEAN cut and not drag this out any longer.

So what's next? Well, you need to FOCUS on you for a while. Set some goals, work on getting over this guy (and don't date for a while) build a career and think about YOUR future.

STOP being in a holding pattern for this or any other guy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018):

Time is what happened. The last time you were together he was feeling-out the situation and deciding what was best for you, and himself. Being a young soldier being called to duty takes its toll on two people. He is very young, and needs to get out there in the world, and get some experience under his belt. You both need to date other people and stretch a little.

You also need to consider where your life is going; and plan-out some sort of career goals for yourself. You mention nothing of college, or if you have a degree. You don't mention what you're doing to move your own life forward. Most young OPs do.

I know you want to blame his mother, but I think he made his own decision.

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