A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about 4 years. We have recently had a child and are pretty settled but have had our arguments in the past. We were also seeing each other before the 4 years for maybe 4 months. Any way to the problem, maybe 3 months into the relation ship I used to use her twitter account to look at stuff because i didn't have one at the time. I stumbled over a message from a guy she knows sending her his BB pin. she hadn't replied so i thought fair play and didn't think any more of it but thought il have a look see what happens because I didn't really know her at the time. A few weeks later when I was on it again looking at stuff i noticed the message had been deleted. I asked her casually with out getting into a argument and she said she just deleted them to clear her phone which didn't make sense at all the other messages from her friends were still there and it was on twitter but I left it at that. From that point to now there have been quite a few times I thought she had been overly friendly with other guys, flirting and messaging etc but it was all just suspicion so I kept it to my self. But when ever I asked she always told me that it was all in my head and there was nothing going on.Any way a few weeks ago I went onto her email as it was all getting too much after all this time as I felt like she was lying just to keep me happy. I went back to the dates when I had my first suspicions and there they were the messages from this guy and her where she had been saying to come round hers for a drink and he knew where she lived. We were together at this point. There were also sent emails from the same time to another guy she had kissed on holiday a couple of weeks before we got together and she had deleted the ones he sent to her inbox but forgot about the sent messages she had sent back where it all was. We had been together about the same time maybe 2 months. It was close to us getting together so i thought no big deal but i would ask her about it and see if she told me the truth. I asked her one night about the messages and if she had contacted any one or pursued any one when we first got together she said no so I showed her what I found and she said she dosnt remember. I feel like she is lying and hiding things from me.I dont trust her and i dont feel safe talking to her about it now, im starting to distance my self emotionally because im getting a massive feeling that im going to get hurt. She says it does not matter it was so long ago, but to me it says she hides things and lies to keep me happy. If i had know about all of this at the time i would have defiantly ended the relationship. Am i over reacting? I find it hard to believe she cant remember and the fact she deletes thing says to me she hides things and lies about them. She has also been massively paranoid that im cheating from day one of the relationship but I have been 100% faithful this also makes me think she has been up to no good because she was constantly accusing me. What do i do? I really want out at the moment but we have a lot of commitments.There is no point talking to her about any of it because she just denies it all or cant remember.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 Where is the hate? I suspect you
are reading answers you did not want as "hate"
If you were asking the question to 'fix' the relationship, rather than end it, you would not have written this:
"What do i do? I really want out at the moment but we have a lot of commitments."
You need to decide what you REALLY want, do you want out or do you want to stay, if you want to stay, what is it you want to "fix" to use your own word, which part of the relationship do you see as broken and needing fixing?
What is your main concern, the debts that have accumulated or messages that were exchanged years ago, before your relationship was a solid thing?
Decide what your problem is, or what you believe you need help with and then, if you feel we haven't addressed your real issues, come back and let us know what problem you want help with.
A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 There is a name for this symptom of yours - retroactive jealousy! LOL ~No, seriously ... stop reflecting upon the past on what she did and what she didn't do. Focus on the present. If you both are happy then what is the problem??? Stop snooping into her stuff - give her privacy!! Whatever you're insecure about happened 4 YEARS AGO. Let it go!!!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 It was no big deal that they went for a drink, possibly stayed over, close to the time you got together. Then you said if you had known it you would have ended it.
I am not sure what your feeling is. It seems like you have a conflict about what you are supposed to accept and what you truly feel inside.
The time to establish trust is at the beginning. If she weren't so friendly and flirty with guys, the issue won't be there. There was no cheating that you know of, so you just quietly accepted it and kept quiet about it. She definitely has her redeeming qualities so that's why it's hard for you to end it. It is important to establish boundaries though. It is not wrong to say to a partner, I would prefer us to be exclusive from this point on. If you are seeing someone else then I can't deal with it.
For myself, I prefer loners over friendly flirty partners. If I decide I can be with a flirty boyfriend, then I cross my fingers and not go to his email. It does nothing good and that surveillance does not change his behavior but only adds to my anxiety.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2015): A lot of hate, this is not a new issue and the baby was planned. Im posting to fix it, if I wanted to end the relationship I would have not posted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2015): Hmmmmmmm? There's now a child in the picture and your problems suddenly develop? Now you question her fidelity and credibility after failing to use a condom; or making any sort of serious commitment. Four years into it, I might add!!!
Sounds like just another case of becoming a daddy and then wanting to walk-out on it. Shunning responsibility, to put it bluntly!
Well, if you're done with your baby's mama; and thinks she's a cheat. Just remember this.
Keep the child-support checks in the mail, give that child love and attention, be the kind of dad that you've always wanted for yourself, and honor your responsibilities to the one who isn't cheating on you; and didn't ask to come into this mess.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 December 2015):
I get the feeling you are looking for an reason to get out of the relationship, and that you would prefer that reason to be something your partner did wrong ..... its much easier to leave if the "blame" can be apportioned anywhere but on ourselves.
By commitments I assume you mean debts.
I think you need to be honest and tell her you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, and then sit down together to work out how your commitments will be dealt with and also how your child will be financially and emotionally supported.
As for statement regards not trusting her anymore, nothing you have said about what you have found during your snooping says that she has done anything wrong.
If you want out, then own that fact, you want out, and stop looking for ways to make it your partners fault and not yours.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 December 2015):
I get the feeling you are looking for an reason to get out of the relationship, and that you would prefer that reason to be something your partner did wrong ..... its much easier to leave if the "blame" can be apportioned anywhere but on ourselves.
By commitments I assume you mean debts.
I think you need to be honest and tell her you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, and then sit down together to work out how your commitments will be dealt with and also how your child will be financially and emotionally supported.
As for statement regards not trusting her anymore, nothing you have said about what you have found during your snooping says that she has done anything wrong.
If you want out, then own that fact, you want out, and stop looking for ways to make it your partners fault and not yours.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 December 2015):
Here, "doesn't remember" means she didn't want to talk about it, better than saying none of your business. I wouldn't pry into people's emails but if you found nothing during the 4 years' relationship even if you feel she deleted some, then you assume and trust that she is loyal to you. Of course she could have been cheating, but just from what you wrote there is no strong evidence that she had been.
Was the 4 years difficult or something changed because you had the baby? It sounds like you are trying to find an out. You wouldn't have stayed for years if you constantly wanted an out, would you?
Just having a sense of commitment and responsibility is not enough to make anyone stay in a relationship. Either you love her, or you don't, you are happy or not.
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