A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently got back together with my then ex-boyfriend. We dated for 3 years before he decided to call it quits saying that he had fallen out of love with me.It was a real nasty break up and he was horrible and nasty to me I hardly recognized him. I was distraught and my entire world felt like it had collapsed from underneath my feet but dispite his insults I felt that what we once had was great. Anyway I spent 2 months stupidly trying to get us back even though he insisted that he wanted space and didn't went us anymore. After being apart for just over 2 months he changed his mind over night and it was like night and day suddenly he wanted me back and wanted to do anything to make it work. I was a bit put off because of the very sudden change of heart but in all honesty the break up saved our relationship its better than its ever been the spark is back the romance is back and its great but the break up destroyed me. I have no self esteem, pride or ego anymore. I'm constantly questioning everything and deeply insecure when I was never like this before. He doesn't want to hang out with my friends or be with my family which is huge when before we spent alot of time doing things together we were that couple that. I feel like I've made a mistake and a fool out of myself by trying so hard to fix things? Should I stay or end things?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): It is really up to you to decide. I understand how painful it is when someone who has been very loving goes crazy like that, it is like a death. Since he has apparently never even apologized to you for the way he treated you and he wants to brush over it I would sit down and have a talk with him and see what he says. If he shows no remorse and willingness to discuss this with you then take a break from the relationship and see what else is out there for you. This isn't about a break without any real damage, this has to be about him repairing what he has done. You also need to know if he has had other sex partners since you could be exposed to stds now also.
Did he say why he came back to you? The fact that he flipped a switch and turned into a monster isn't a good sign for the future because depending on why he did this and if it is a health issue like bipolar disorder he could easily do it again and then you are going to be in even worse shape. I agree that this is about power, he has the power now and you have been made to feel worthless and unloved so even though he is back with you you will always be wondering what is going to happen if he decides he is out of love again, if you were disposable once you can easily be disposable again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2014): I think you know in your heart you deserve better, after all who wants to spend their life with someone who just might decide one day they don't love you anymore?! I'd he truly cared would he have risked losing you in the first place. I have been in a similar situation and I begged for him to stay. When he decided to stay I felt relieved, yet my esteem was gone and I felt ashamed because I knew I deserved better. You deserve a guy who needs and loves you and I don't think he is the right one. Unless he literally begs and fights for you and starts to show how much he cares, you are wasting your time and he is stringing you along.
Best wishes x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 December 2014):
 I think I would ask for some space from him, if I were you. TAKE the time to think if HE is someone you want to be with, considering that he has SHOWN you what kind of person he REALLY is. That rude, mean, degrading and verbally abusive person you dealt with, IS part of WHO he is.
You may not have seen that side of him before, because BEFORE the break up he didn't think you deserved that kind of treatment. He might even have thought it would be EASIER to break up with you if he acting like a total asshat. Think ripping of a band-aid versus gently taking it of, both methods hurt EQUALLY, but one for a short time, one for a longer time.
He now holds all the power. He TORE you down. Then took you back and made you think you should be grateful to HAVE him back. OF course he doesn't WANT to be around your family and friends, they probably know how he treated you. But that is only PART of it, the other part is him having the control now, fully. THIS is HIS relationship boat you are on. He is steering and what HE says goes or he will toss you over the side.
If he was insulting you during the relationship and YOU still thought it was good, maybe it's because YOU think the insults are the "norm" in a relationship or that you don't deserve better. It shouldn't BE the norm. EVER.
I think you have come to realize that while you "got" him back.... the guy you DID get "back" wasn't as great at you once thought.
And I agree with Janniepeg, I don't believe GOOD relationships needs breaks. And they CERTAINLY never NEED abuse.
IF you DO decide to stay I think the two if you need to figure out a WAY to resolve what happened with the break up, HE needs to take responsibility for the way he treated you, not just pretend all is dandy because "he" took you back.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 December 2014):
 No break up reasons are the same. Some people break up because they fight too much. The break up allowed them time to cool down and realize their mistakes. His reasons for breaking up was because he fell out of love. Instead of putting more effort in, he called it quits and insulted you. That made you feel like you were not worth his love and attention.
He decided to get back with you because he thought no other woman would be so devoted to him when he's a mean person. I question how long that spark is going to last before he needs to pull that nasty trick again. May be he feels like he doesn't need to put effort the time his desperation for sex has lessened. Sorry I don't see this as a young man being confused and not knowing how to love. Or assuming love is sparks and fireworks all the time and thinks that if there is a dull moment the solution is break up. Sadly some guys are like that, immature or just being jerks. I see him as a guy who goes through the whole relationship thing to get sex, because that's what other guys are doing. I don't see his actions as loving you. His disappearing act for 2 months was probably looking out who else was there, and when he couldn't find a replacement, he came back to you.
No one is perfect but I still think you should meet more men. At least men who won't keep you on the edge, worry when the next break up is due. There would come a time when you confront each other what did you do those 2 months? I don't even want to go into that because it's not something pleasant and it probably won't help with your self esteem. I can guess those 2 months was not soul searching, learning to be a better person for him. No, I don't think you need 2 months to realize you love that person.
There are online purchases of how to get your men back, how to use distance to your advantage. Sorry, bought them, don't believe in it. These things sell because so many guys are like this. It doesn't mean making adjustments and allowance for guys doing it. It just means you wait for the right guy even if it takes time. I would not ever go back to an on and off thing again.
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