A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Ok so I've made a horrible horrible mistake and I need to fix it. Me and my boyfriend have been together about 6 months. We started getting serious, which wasn't good because people at college were coming between us and it just got emotional and messy. In the end we ended up having a massive argument over one of his friends causing trouble between us and we broke up. He said it was our last chance so I really thought it was over. The next day I spoke to him and tried to fix things, but he said that we shouldn't be together and we just don't work and that there may be hope in the future,but he didn't want to lead me on. So that night I made a stupid decision to try and move on. One of my friends invited me over to his house for a drink up and I ended up getting so drunk I kissed another guy. I immediately felt disgusting and like a cheater, but I carried on because I was imagining the guy was my boyfriend. I then sobered up and wouldn't go near the guy and spent the whole night sitting crying while everyone was asleep. Two days later, we got back together, but my boyfriend was paranoid about that night because he knew I'd stayed at this guys house and he thinks I fancy my friend. I then told him another guy had made a move on me, but I'd pushed him off.I only lied because he said if I had kissed another guy then he didn't think he could be with me. So I panicked. We've been fine since, but every time I mention anything to do with that night or my friend, he gets angry. Then last night it happened again but it went too far and he ended up finding out that I'd done more with this other guy. We weren't together at the time, but we both feel like I cheated. He was more hurt by the fact I'd lied to him about it. He's lost all respect for me and doesn't trust me and I don't blame him. But he doesn't want to break up with me. I've sent him two really long messages explaining how I feel and how sorry I am. I just don't know what more I can do. I don't know how to regain his trust. I feel dirty and I can't stop thinking about him. I just wish that whole night had never happened. Please can someone help me? I really need to fix this and I don't know how. ='( x
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 December 2011):
 You're not a cheater. And I don't think you owe it to him to tell him about the guy you kissed either. He dumped you, well, then he took that risk himself. If he didn't want you to kiss someone else he shouldn't have dumped you. So straighten your back, you did not cheat, he broke it off, and when you were single you had a right to do whatever you god damn pleased. He's unhappy about it? He shouldn't have dumped you then.
However, you shouldn't have lied. If it was of importance to him he should have asked though, which he didn't, and in which case I think it is better to not know. I mean if I took a boyfriend back knowing he might have fooled around with someone else (thats always a risk when you dump someone, hah!), I don't know if I would have asked him if he kissed someone else. Because I know it would have broken my heart to know, although he would have been justified to do what he did. I don't think I would have asked because I don't think I'd have wanted to know about it. So in your case, your boyfriend might not have wanted to know about it, so why should you have told him and been upfront about it when he didn't ask?
If he asked you directly, and you lied, well thats another story. But with some time I think he will realize you didn't tell him because you wanted to spare his feelings.
Give him, and yourself, some time to think about this and deal with it. You can work it out, but stop giving in to him. He won't benefit from you bending over backwards and saying you are a cheater when you are NOT a cheater, and if he really didn't want you to kiss someone else HE shouldn't have DUMPED you. He is being very selfish to try and blame this on you, so stop giving in to him or it'll go to his head and he'll start treating you like a cheater when you aren't. Respect yourself and take responsibility for your actions, but be an adult about it. You didn't cheat, you know you didn't cheat, and he knows you didn't cheat. Sure, it sucks, but you didn't know he'd take you back and he's the one who left. Then this is what happens. He needs to own up to his own actions and take his part of the responsibility.
YOU don't need to fix this. You and him together need to work through it. Blaming it on you alone will never help fix this or make it go away. It can only be fixed when you talk it through and he takes responsibility for his own actions as well.
You can work through this together, but only after he sucks it up and starts to be an adult about it. You didn't do anything wrong, and he was the one who dumped you.
A
female
reader, jmr1993  +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Don't beat yourself up about it. Things like this happen. Yea, you should have told him right away, but that isn't considered cheating. You were trying to forget, plus your judgement was clouded considering you were drinking. You need to sit down with him and actually talk to him and explain your side of it. But you can't blame yourself or feel like you cheated when you didn't. If he can't understand that, then maybe you should reconsider your view of him. I know you may love him, but if he wants to put all the blame on you when he was the one who broke up with you, then that is a problem. I'm sorry if I may not be helping much, but you have to stop being so hard on yourself.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (10 December 2011):
It's very common for couples to break up and then go back again after a couple of weeks. During that time there shouldn't be any problem if you one or the other partner does something with another person. The couple is broken. BUT it usually doesn't work like that.
In these cases whatever is done during that split period is considered as done inside the relationship when they go back together. Which is what you and your boyfriend are feeling. Even when he broken up with you, you both didn't think it was for real. That's why you felt bad after kissing the other guy. And that's why your boyfriend is mad at you.
Any way, he doesn't have the right to use that against you now. If he is willing to accept what happened you can go back. If he's going to hold that over your head, your relationship is over. No matter how sorry you may be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 December 2011):
 Okay, SLOW DOWN here. You're not a cheater. He broke up with you. You can do whatever you want. His trust and respect for you are irrelevant. You did not cheat. You shouldn't have lied about it, but it's none of his business what you do anymore anyways!
He has no reason not to trust you. You two are over. He ended your relationship. However, you weren't ready to move on, since you're not over him. You need to get away from this game playing guy and clear your head. Spend some time alone so you can be over your "ex", then find a much more mature relationship without all of this drama.
Also, this guy who is now your ex is immature. If he broke up with you, what is he doing getting hurt and checking up on what you're doing? I'll tell you why. He's playing games. He loves you, but doesn't want to commit. He's caught between man and boy, and using the breakup as manipulation of you.
You DID NOT CHEAT. YOu didn't break his trust. You did nothing worthy of losing respect. Your love life is no longer his business, and if he asks you any more about it, tell him he gave up his privilege to know what you're up to when he broke up with you.
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