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We used to laugh together but now I'm not laughing with him

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2014) 5 Answers - (Newest, 12 March 2014)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

How do I tell my boyfriend that he is seriously hurting my feelings?

We've always been the best of friends for almost 5 years, the kind of friends that could cut up together, with sarcasm, and humor. We've said some of the most rudest, meanest things to each other, and laughed it off like it was nothing..because we both knew each other was joking.

Now that we've started dating, sometimes his jokes get me. Like the first time we had sex last week, he goes "I told you that I could get in your pants before I told you I love you" and then later the next day he told his dad "I think she gave me crabs last night"

It's not just the sexual jokes that get's all starting to get me.. Even tho, I know he's only joking, because it's something we've always done. We've always laughed together, but now that I have fallen for him..I've not laughing with him.

I want him to still like me, and not think that by dating it has ruined our friendship. I don't really know how to tell him in a way that won't make him think he made a mistake.

View related questions: I love you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 March 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Auntie llifton

Don't CHANGE what you have. You CAN still joke around, just because it went from friendship to relationship doesn't mean humor goes out the window.

Personally, I would have fired something smart-ass back when he said you gave him crabs. Like:" I know I should just have gift-wrapped them!" or "well, I figured since you gave me herpes it was the least I could do!"

Don't lose what you have. And CERTAINLY don't lose your sense of humor. My guess is that is ONE of the MANY thing about you, he REALLY loves.

You can STILL have fun, be sarcastic and love each other.

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A female reader, Sensible Alice Australia +, writes (12 March 2014):

Sensible Alice agony auntOh, I totally feel for you. While it's great to joke around and be sarcastic, his comment "I think she gave me crabs last night," was thoughtless and insensitive. I don't see why he had to make it cringe-worthy. He could have said, "Hey Dad, she totally wore me out last night with all her 'give me more'" or something like that. I take it this is not the first comment he's made that's gotten to you and I can only imagine the rest. Time to tell him, "Babe, I love the sarcasm, but not at my personal expense," and maybe come to an arrangement on what should be off limits in regard to his joking around - and yours too.

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A female reader, Atsweet1 United States +, writes (12 March 2014):

Atsweet1 agony aunt Excuse my french f him and his father. It appears he may be trying to make you the but of his jokes. So what alot of people sleep with someone before I love you is thought of. I wouldnt be bothered by his trying to embarrass you with the help of his father too. I know alot of times people only do stuff like that cause they know it bothers you. It dont hardly Bother me what they say anymore. People even lovers go talk about you good and bad if I must say so myself I look at it as damn Im that important to be on your mind.

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A female reader, sugarplum786 South Africa +, writes (11 March 2014):

sugarplum786 agony auntIf you start getting too defensive and loose your sense of humour you risk losing this guy. What he loved about you was probably the sense of humour and by starting to get defensive just might tell him that you have changed. I agree the sense of humour lacks tact but then you need to maybe reciprocate the joke and see if he can handle it. Its a two way street. Eventually with time you can tell him that those jokes should be private.

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (11 March 2014):

llifton agony auntHey there :)

You say: "I want him to still like me, and not think that by dating it has ruined our friendship. I don't really know how to tell him in a way that won't make him think he made a mistake." However, it sounds to me like YOU think dating HIM may be ruining your friendship. He's the one continuing on treating you like a friend and now a lover, while you're suddenly not treating him like a friend anymore.

I think it's always an amazing added bonus to be good friends prior to dating. Just because you are now together doesn't mean that you should suddenly change your dynamic. what you loved about him before was your friendship and compatibility and ability to laugh and poke at each other. Don't lose that now just because you've decided to make it a romantic relationship. Friendship is what makes the relationship work in the long run.

If you don't want him to make certain comments, like the one's he just made, of course you should tell him. But try to get to the bottom of your sudden insecurity. And try not to let that insecurity wreck such a wonderful friendship with such great potential for a lasting relationship.

Good luck.

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