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Was she being truthful with her goals or was it just some elaborate line?

Tagged as: Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 July 2024) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2024)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I matched with a woman on a dating app and after a couple pleasant exchanges we met for drinks at a bar. We shared some chicken tenders as well and I had an incredibly nice time with her. She was very lively, passionate about a variety of things that I enjoyed as well, and seemed to have her stuff together. We made plans that same night to see each other again the following week and I couldn't wait. I texted her a few days later to confirm (as she had told me when I asked her thoughts on texting that she despises texting for no reason or to ask how days went) and she happily confirmed. The date arrived, and this time we went to an Italian restaurant.

She was dressed to the nines, we had a very lively conversation, and I was enraptured by her beauty, sense of humor, and presence. We took a walk around the restaurant and ended up in a great park like large patio that was well lit but completely isolated. We found a place to sit, and before we did she extended the scarf she had brought with her so we can sit on it. I told her "This place looks very romantic" and she said "It is." I looked into her eyes and kissed her and she reciprocated fully. She started turning it into a more intense make out and it felt out of this world. IJ had not kissed someone so passionately in a long time.

Then once we were done, she says she needs to tell me something important. She says that she has a few goals in her life she wants to hit before her birthday on September, so she doesn't want to keep seeing me until then, if I'm available, because she doesn't want dating me to interfere in her goals. For example she said that she ate Italian food with me, even though she's been on a strict diet, and she also didn't go to the gym to see me because there wasn't time.

I told her that its perfectly reasonable to go out once in a while and just text or call for a bit, that I would never demand all of her time, and that we can just see each other whenever possible as her deadline approaches. But she was adamant that she wants to start texting and dating me again until September, that she wasn't going to go out with anyone anymore and delete her account on the app. Then she then told me that I'm free to keep going out and seeing people, for me not to just wait for her, and if I'm still available in September she'd be very happy that we could keep going out.

I acquiesced and agreed to stop texting after tonight. But I added that if she changes her mind, for her to contact me, but said I wouldn't contact her until September if she doesn't. She agreed and we kept talking for about another hour while occasionally kissing. It got pretty late by this point, so we stood up and then passionately made out again. I honestly felt like I was a 19 year old kid making out despite us both being in our thirties, haha. I walked her to her car and then went home. I texted her once I got home saying I had an amazing time with her and that I knew that she would reach her goals. And she texted back "Thank you for the dinner and the wonderful time. I truly enjoyed it :) "

So now I'm at an impasse. She is one of the most amazing women I've ever had the pleasure of going out with, and I don't say that lightly. So I'm going to respect her wishes, and I will not contact her until September.

But the cynical part of me, the part that has been in this dating game for far too long, thinks this could have been an elaborate ploy. Maybe she just made up the September deadline to give her more time with someone else, or it was a way to just stop seeing me.

So what do you think? Do you think she's telling the truth? Or do you think she's making it up?

View related questions: kissing, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2024):

We matched on a dating app usually means I like the looks of her and she agreed to meet. Women don't usually go by looks, but they might for just one meet. Then if they find out you lack money, manners, are boring or whatever they make sure they don't waste time meeting you again. A sensible person finds out about the person before meeting at all, to make sure the first meet is not just based on looks or the other person being free on that day. Women are especially fussy like that because on a dating app they get hundreds of guys every day asking them to meet and cannot meet most of them once let alone more. A lot of guys don't understand that or only see things from their own point of view. When I was on a dating app I remember lots of guys complaining because I would not chat with them online. The truth was I had a life and better things to do with my time, and if I had wanted tod chat to loads of guys I don't know I could have got a job on a chat line and been paid to do the exact same thing. There is also the fact that lots of guys want to bring sex into everything quick so would think goody I will diy when she chats to me, even if she is a classy lady who can do a lot better. If you want to really wow a great woman on a first date so she wants to meet again you take her out for a really good nice dinner at a really good nice restaurant, otherwise she compares you to anyone else she has met and other offers she has made and is not impressed. Especially when a woman can get paid to meet a guy for a few hours of just chatting.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2024):

Sounds like you've gone overboard and she is being more rational.

I think you should date others as it's too early for a commitment. If she comes back to you in September you can get to know her better.

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (9 July 2024):

kenny agony auntAll seems rather strange to me, your both on what seemed like a perfect date, both having a lovely time then she comes out with this really odd request.

When she gets to September are all her goals going to be achieved and after this date she will have no more subsequent goals that are going to get in the way of you seeing each other?.

I would air on the side of caution here, I just feel if you really liked someone you would not make a lame excuse to not see them or be contacted for two months.

Don't text her or call her now, and even when September arrives I would refrain from contacting her at this point to. If she liked you she will be sure to get in contact with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2024):

She is testing her pulling power but also at the same time she is telling you that she is not seeing you as an important part of her current life.

I don't think it's advisable to hang on especially as she effectively wants no contact.

If she had had a gender change would that alter your enthusiasm?

It's not something a person could easily mention in a dating situation.

Or if she was actually an escort ( who beds her date as required services.) Then she could just be wanting a date without sex for a change.

Or maybe she has a guy but just fancied a meal in a pleasant setting.

There's a million unsavoury reason for someone to be 'unavailable' and none of them would enhance your future potential dating life.

You have the right to determine your own decisions but I suggest you consider moving on from this troubled person!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 July 2024):

Honeypie agony auntSounds like she is playing games.

She wants to "test" her own attractiveness and YOUR obedience.

I would just move on. Date other people, you can find someone who is on the dating site to MEET a long-term partner not play stupid mind-games.

If she was SERIOUS about her "goals" (goals are fine by the by) why did she sign up for a dating site? When she doesn't WANT to date? Hence why I think she is playing mind games.

OR... this is her version of letting guys down "easy". Still a bit of a mind-fu@k.

Not someone I can see being serious about dating, regardless of what month is it.

Move on. She is waving all kind of red flags around.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2024):

It could very well be a serious request because when somebody is hell bent on acheiving their goals, they take priority over anything. Whilst September may seem a while off, it'a actually over 7 weeks and 4 days so not much time for her to work on these does sound plausable that she just hasn't got time to date.

That said, it's very strange that she says she will contact you at that point as usually, when somebody says this, they don't really give this kind of time scale. They just explain that they can't date for the timebeing as they don't have enough hours in the day sadly.

Either way, don't hang around. Do what she says and go on dates and meet other people. Take your mind off of her and forget about the deadline. If she contacts you then great. If not then you saved time waiting around.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2024):

Just wait till september. It does not matter why she said it, whether it was true or false, she can say anything she wants on a first meet, she owes you nothing at all then.

But you do tend to romanticise and make things much bigger than they are. Lots of people have what they believe to be a great first date and then find the other person did not really feel the same way and will not meet them again. Some people are polite some are honest, some tell the truth. It is up to them.

As for we even had chicken tenders! Are you for real. You make this sound like it is unusual to have some food together, and actually a few chicken tenders would not sweep me off my feet. IF i WENT OUT WITH A guy for the first time and he was very keen and that is the best he could do he would not see me again, I would think he is short of money , mean or both.

Ask yourself this. You say she was all dressed up to the nines. But were you? She made a big effort which made you keen, but what did you do that would make HER keen?

Remember it is a lot easier for women to get dates than it is for men, plenty of men would pay for a date with a charming and good looking young woman. So men have to make a lot more effort to get someone or keep them.

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