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Should I let her know I can't be friends with her?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 February 2022) 2 Answers - (Newest, 5 February 2022)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

A part of this post is a continuation to a previous post of mine. The latter half is my current situation.

Old Post (May 2020):

I always had intense trust issues that lead me to stay away from relationships. In fact I've never been in a relationship till now, perhaps because of that. This also lead me to not make many friends and for some reason I maintained distance from girls too, fearing myself trusting one of them and them betraying that trust. I didn't have any friends in the opposite sex while in college. However there was this particular girl I maintained a professional relationship (sharing notes, clearing doubts etc., strictly professional though a little closer than other girls). She had a boyfriend and I respected that. Once out of college, she broke up with her boyfriend due to reasons that they'll be relocating to different cities. She meanwhile started having conversations over text with me which were friendly in nature. I didn't shrug her off because she was mostly nice to me during college days though I didn't have any feelings for her. I knew she had broken up with her boyfriend by this time. We had occasional conversations, perhaps once or twice a month catching up on our lives. A year into this we started having phone calls, though again not very frequent. In our chats she used to sometimes flirt with me. I was assuming she was developing feelings me taking cue from our conversations, but I had made it clear indirectly that it was not possible for me to get into a relationship.

Almost two years into this one day I called her up just to know what's up with her. We had a chat and talked about our lives and hung up. A few hours later she messages me asking if I have feelings for her and stuffs. I must make it clear that till this point she never explicitly told me if she had any feelings for me or not. But previously in our conversations she talked to me in a flirting manner, combined with the fact that she asked me this thing now, I believed she had feelings for me. I didn't want to reply then and there so I slept on it for a night, and next morning I wrote to her saying it was not possible for me to have any feelings for her or anyone. It was quite rude for me to say such a thing which I realised later. She replied saying she was sorry if she hurt me, but somehow I was pissed at hoe things went. That was the last we had a conversation which happened about six months back.

I don't know why since then I've been thinking about her and the thoughts have started becoming stronger day by day. In fact I've been having thoughts of sexual nature about her. In the mornings when I wake up, she's the first person that comes to my mind.

I'm somewhat confused regarding the issue. We haven't talked in six months. It's not like I want to get into a relationship with her (perhaps trust issues again). Was it wrong for me to close matters with her that way? Is it my fault that I'm having these thoughts? Have I fallen in love with her? If so, should I try to get back to her? Please help me with this. Thank you in advance.


Based on response of the Dear Cupid agony aunts, who blamed me for being immature, I did not proceed to get back to her. I introspected and realised I was being a really heartless and insensetive person in handling the matter. However from time to time I couldn't prevent myself from thinking about her, perhaps out of some guilt.

Cut to December 2020, about a year and 3 months since my last conversation with her, out of nowhere one fine day I find a message from her. I was surprised at first and more so because she was very apologetic in the very first message. She said she was sorry for giving wrong vibes on our last conversation and that she wanted things to be fine between us. I apologised to her too for being immature. It was a very pleasant conversation where we started catching up with each other's lives. We did not have much conversations after this, though she was in my mind.

3 months later, March 2021, I was visiting her town for a family get together for a couple of weeks. I thought of meeting her, since she whad been such a good friend. We had a brief conversation through chats where she said she was out of town on work and was planning to return in a week's time. She did contact me a week later when she was back in town, but unfortunately I was terribly ill to meet her during my time of stay in the town. Nevertheless we have since been in constant touch through chats (once or twice every week). Through our chats I have apologised once more for how I made her feel, to which she said everything was fine and that I'm a good person. At times I do feel that she has feelings for me. However I'm not sure about myself. As previously pointed out by agony aunts, and I do agree with them, I have issues of my own. I've never been in any kind of a relationship. I do think of her at times, but in all this I'm not sure if I'd like to have a relationshipp with her. And definitely I wouldn't like to date her to just have some "fun". I understand it can do irreparable damage to a person when the other person is not serious about it. I realise she's a nice person.

At present I'm confused about a lot of things. Should I keep conversing with her as a friend? Since I feel my feelings have kind of grown for her since, should I let her know I can't be friends with her? I'm confused with my feelings too. I don't know what I want for myself. I feel I'm not yet ready for a relationship, though have some feelings for her.

View related questions: broke up, flirt, immature, text

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (5 February 2022):

I don't want to get into depth here, but it sounds like under normal circumstances you would probably ask her on a date and take it from there.

Living in different cities, however, is challenging to say the least.

But you are basically saying that your trust issues are preventing you from pursuing her. Well, what is the worst case scenario if she breaks your trust? Realistically probably cheating. If that were to happen you would be sad for a little bit,and then just move on. It's not the end of the world. Your fear is worse than the reality.

Regarding you maybe wanting sex and her maybe wanting a relationship: don't be so sure. You guys may both be wanting something fun but not too serious. Ask her out on a date and live your life!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 February 2022):

Honeypie agony auntPerhaps you should seek some real counseling and work on your trust issues?

Unless you want a lonely life with no REAL friends or partners?

"I understand it can do irreparable damage to a person when the other person is not serious about it."

A bad relationship is just that, a bad relationship. People get over it and move on. Unless there is violence or abuse going on MOST people don't suffer "irreparable damage" from a "bad relationship" or a relationship that just didn't work out.

People are resilient.

You have given up even before you have even TRIED to see if you can make this work. Because "maybe" the person will hurt YOU. Well, maybe they won't. Maybe YOU are the one who will hurt someone else.

You sound like you need professional help (and I mean that in the best way) you NEED to sort out these notions you have in your head, preferably BEFORE you "try" to be in a relationship.

You do understand what dating is? Right?

It's two people doing things together - like dinner, a movie, a museum visit, a hike, insert whatever activity. To get to know one another and SEE if there is a good match in character, values, morals, hopes, dreams, and life choices.

You don't HAVE to date her. You can just do what FRIENDS do. Like, going out for dinners, a movie, a museum visit, etc.

And stop apologizing, she has accepted the apology. And she has apologized to you (even though she didn't have to).

Figure out IF you want to learn how to BE a friend or not. If you do, just go slow. Spend time together. And find a therapist. I think it can help you greatly.

Are you on the spectrum by any change? If you are, then perhaps (again) a therapist can help you work on that too.

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