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Should I be ticked hubby didn't say I love you after I said it to him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2018) 9 Answers - (Newest, 3 March 2018)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hubby of 5 years and I spent a lovely weekend together. Left the kids with his mom and took a romantic weekend for ourselves.

It was fun and passionate until.....

I told him "I love you." He didn't say it back because he doesn't want it to become a chore or obligation. He said if you say it too much or all the time the words become meaningless. He wants to say it because he wants to and not because he feels he has to, because I said it first.

I was left feeling rejected and upset.

He said just because I said it shouldn't mean he is obligated to say it back. His thinking is it will appear insincere and not meant from the heart.

He is a very logical thinker and I'm more emotional. I have no problem saying I love you to him often or I love you too if he tells me he loves me.

He says he shows that he loves me through his actions. He feels words are not as important and are rendered meaningless if said too many times.

It ruined the weekend for me and I did sulk over it. I am wondering if I am justified at all in my thinking.

I did feel rejected because he would not say it back.

View related questions: I love you

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A female reader, Heartlove United States +, writes (3 March 2018):

Oh please husband just say it. Stop over thinking ..

Get over yourself ... there are larger issues

to contemplate than wondering if you can "over

Express love" to someone you're suppose to be in love with!!

OP I'd be a bit taken back too. Your need to "hear"

him verbalized "I Love You" should have

Over ridden his explanation and should have

Made him realize that true love puts the other person's

Needs first ... each giving 100%

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018):

OP here with an update.

He told me "I love you" later that night while ending a phone conversation. After I told him how I felt. Still not sure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018):

It seems as though he is being purposely contrarian. Yes, I agree with honeypie, perhaps it is for drama- he seems like a "high maintenance" type of man.

He is playing games and wordgames with you, actually having a bit of a power struggle where he is getting kicks from having the "upper hand" and keeping you squirming when you say I love you and he doesn't respond.

Honestly, that seems SO immature for a married man. He should be past playing games. You know when else "I love you" becomes meaningless? If the person analyzes it to death instead of just GIVES of their feelings and emotions. He should consider that.

I would have been quite annoyed just like you were/are. I would try to talk to him again and set forward that you don't like this immature behaviour. If he doesn't feel love for you right now, then that is an issue you can discuss in marriage counselling. If it is that he is having a "fun" little sicko power struggle making you squirm, he needs to grow the hell up or I would imagine you'll fall out of love with him quite quickly...

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI think your husband is being WAY to dramatic with this. Saying "I love you" to his WIFE shouldn't be this... dramatic. It shouldn't come with stipulations.

Because DOES he not love you? DOES he not want you to be happy with SUCH a little gesture?

Yes, yes I get his "it can become meaningless if overused" - newsflash it ALREADY IS!

You were on a weekend free of kids, it was supposed to be passionate and romantic and he PULLS that kind of crap? Sorry, I too would be pretty hurt. And I can totally SEE how it ruined the weekend.

If he felt "forced" to say it back and thus didn't... he could have found a million of other little SWEET terms of endearments or "sweet nothings" to say back, instead he pulls this.

To me, it's almost like a 3 year old who WILL not apologize for kicking the dog. Not because the kid doesn't feel bad but because he is TOLD what to do.

BUT like everyone else have pointed out he does SHOW you that he loves you, so that is how HE shows love - through actions.

Try doing the

It might show you BOTH how each of you show love, and HOW to COMPLIMENT each other's love language.

For now though, I'd let it go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018):

Go back and read your post. Stop and think as you read it back to yourself. Then let this nonsense precipitate into the ozone.

(1) "He said if you say it too much or all the time the words become meaningless. He wants to say it because he wants to and not because he feels he has to, because I said it first."

(2) "He is a very logical thinker and I'm more emotional."

(3) "He says he shows that he loves me through his actions."

You wrote all this; yet it didn't resonate in your mind and heart.

He didn't ruin anything. Here's how you ruined your weekend for yourself:

"It ruined the weekend for me and I did sulk over it. I am wondering if I am justified at all in my thinking."

Saying "I love you" is not something prompted or scripted by someone else. He's not a puppet and you're not a ventriloquist.

Declaring or expressing your feelings rises to the surface spontaneously; and it doesn't mean love isn't there if you don't verbalize the four-letter word. You were being petty and sabotaged your romantic-weekend by picking something to fight about. Thereby reversing everything loving that occurred. Words are just words. It was one thing to be a little taken aback or slightly surprised. No, that wasn't enough. You sulked! He might have said it later on or unexpected; had he been given the chance. Now, who knows? You ruined the mood.

He was honest. Trust is nurtured and sustained through honesty in our relationships. You created negativity in the midst of romance. You injected poison and you ruined it for yourself. He didn't do or say anything wrong. You looked for something to complain about. Guess what? That reflects on you, not him.

Not all people are lovey-dovey; but they'll take a bullet for you. They'll go to the ends of the earth for you, and they would never forsake you when you need them the most. If I see all these things in action, and the words "I love you" come out of nowhere; that's when I believe it. I don't like to hear my echo. Show me solid evidence, and you can convince me to believe anything! I could say "I love you" and hate your guts. Saying it, isn't meaning it.

He's your husband. Has he not proven he loves you in all he does? Is there reason to doubt he does? Are you sure you consistently give him reason to feel he does? Be sure you justify reasons for it to be said. Just saying it out loud doesn't prove anything.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018):

I think it was mean of him not say back I love you too. I quite understand your hurt . That is the problem with marriages after a few years together that we men tend to take for granted what we have despite remaining faithful to our vows. But having said that I am sure that he will hate losing you but as I said we just tend to take things for granted.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI totally get where you're coming from. I'd feel a bit rejected too, but I also agree with him that it shouldn't be forced.

Actions are louder than words, but it's nice to hear it verbally. Either you accept you express love differently, or you're not compatible. Is it worth throwing away what you do have over this? Surely he was like this when you married? If he shows you love in other ways, and you FEEL loved, then try to allow that to be enough. If not, try to find a compromise together.

The important thing is that you both FEEL loved - however you do it.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (28 February 2018):

mystiquek agony auntLet it go. Actions count far more than words. Anyone can say "I love you" but do they mean it?

My husband is from Japan, very old style traditional Japanese. He says that he is still confused as to why over here everyone says "I love you" all the time and yet he sees people treat each other badly, cheating, fighting ect. He is a very private person and keeps much of his emotions close to his heart. I am a very open affectionate person and it took me a long time to grow accustomed to his (in my mind) standoffish behavior. Japanese people do NOT hug! I had to teach him how to. I know he loves me he shows it to me in many very sweet and kind actions but he isn't one to go around saying "I love you" every second. When he does say it, I know he truly means it. My husband says that in Japan a husband and wife assume that they love each other, it isn't something that needs to be said every 5 minutes. He tells me "you will know if I love you and you would also know if I didn''d feel it". He's right.

Like he says "a man can say I love you to his wife, go out, meet his mistress and say "I love you" to her too." What is the meaning in the words???

Look at what your husband does to you and for you...Don't sweat the small stuff.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (28 February 2018):

I think you should let it go. I am with your husband- it shouldn't just be a meaningless response, repeated back when someone says it to you- it should be said when you mean it, when you feel it. When someone says it to you, you should be thankful that they mean it, not that they said it out of some obligation or habit.

His reasons were clearly articulated and reasonable so even if you don't agree with them you have to respect your husbands feelings. You say he acts lovingly. Surely that's what really counts. You say he favours logic and rational thought. That's what you chose when you married him- you love that, most of the time right?

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