A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll make this short and quick. Me and my girlfriend are having a lot of trouble of a smoking issue and we want it to be finally resolved after just over 4 months of hassle.Over 4 months ago she got curious about trying one and even though I'm heavily against it I agreed to her trying it (partially because I couldn't say no as I had tried it myself a few years back at a pub once) and to our surprise she said she actually really liked how it felt. She had another one later on and this made me unhappy so I asked her to throw them away and promise not to have anymore (this I regret).Then over the course of the next 4 months she says to me that she gets urges throughout the day to have one either at random or when she is stressed. I eventually broke down, bought her a pack, told her to smoke 2 of them and this time she says it doesn't have the same feeling she got from them the first 2 times she tried them though this was because she was feeling guilty about breaking her promise to me.Now a couple of days ago she tried an E-cigarette as we hoped that would give her the sensation she craves but it didn't so now we're in a bit of a predicament.She says the feelings she gets from them is relaxed,maturity, confidence and she purely enjoys feeling it go down her and blowing the smoke out. The problem I have is I am concerned about her health and her financial situation, she can just afford to live where she is and she wants to go on holidays, buy our own house and we're considering having a child, all in the space of roughly 10 years.She says she only wants to experience them for a little while, doesn't want to get addicted or have the health effects and even though she says she's aware of the risks it feels like she doesn't understand how addictive they really are.I just want her to be happy but I don't want to throw away or hinder our future. She says they make her happy so I want her to have them but at the same time she wants to have a future with me so I want to make it happen, but I just know that if she smokes it will make it significantly harder for us to do what we want to do.It feels like we can't win so the easiest thing is to break up but neither of us want to do this as we love each other deeply. The only way I can see getting over this is to simply sacrifice everything I value and join her by smoking at the same time she does but she doesn't want me to do it as she feels guilty that I'm throwing away a part of myself to make her happy. We're caught in an impossible loop that I just can't see a way out of as all solutions lead to us being unhappy.I apologize for the heavily broken English but I just wanted to give a quick rundown. What do you guys/girls think we should do?, we want this to end and for both of us to be happy again. Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your responses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): She only wants to smoke for 'a few months' right?So how about rather than bouncing between the extremes of breaking up or damaging your own health and finances by developing a smoking habit yourself; why not propose that IF she starts smoking then you will go on a break until she gets it out of her system?It should test her loyalty enough that hopefully she'll never start in the first place, but if she does then at least she has the motivation to get over it REALLY fast.And remember that if you started smoking with her there's nothing to say that you wouldn't find it harder than she does to stop after a few months and may find yourself in the awful position of it then being YOU who is risking the future plans.Please please don't harm yourself with a smoking habit for anyone. Life is everything.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 Smoking doesn't make a person happy. All it does is takes away stress and anxiety for 10 minutes until you need a quick fix again.
I am sensing some low self esteem here. You are not financially independent yet but you are already thinking ahead about marriage and kids. Worry about one thing at a time. I am very sure once you make money you would be very cautious about every dollar spent. Maybe you feel that you are settling for your girlfriend because it's hard to find one when you don't have a steady job. You would rather continue this, get into arguments, and even risk your health so that you don't have to deal with the pain of a break up.
You've already been thinking about the break up and just finding reasons to postpone it. It's not healthy to live in a relationship with such doubts. As you said cigarettes are not for you so you can't really enjoy your 20's, especially if you have asthma.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response maverick, let me clear some stuff up for you.We're not living together because we've only been together for a year and we'd rather keep things steady, get our finances sorted (I'm not even in a job at the moment so I can't support living together at the moment) and then see about moving in together, right now she's currently housesharing with two people (neither of them smoke).I don't really want to smoke myself, I've tried it enough times and been around it to know that it isn't for me. The reason I keep bringing it up is because I see it as the only way to keep my girlfriend happy, I want her to be happy so I don't want to stop her from having stuff that makes her happy, cigarettes being one of them.So the way I see it is if I'm doing it myself, she gets her cigarettes and we still get to be in a relationship as I'm no longer being concerned about her health/finances/future because I'm in the same boat as her. Yes it is stupid logic and realistically I really really don't want to do it, but at this rate it feels like it's the only thing I can do as she can't seem to stop thinking about cigarettes.Also we aren't planning to have a child until our early 30's, we're both in our early 20's at the moment and we both want to enjoy our 20's whilst we can without having to worry about raising a child.As I stated in my last post we both want a resolution to this as every time it comes up we usually spend the next week or so feeling bad and getting into arguments. I can tell her what you said about proving whether or not she can stop after starting, but unless she gets this obsession out of her head I really don't see a stop to this unless she gets what she wants.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (18 January 2016):
Thanks for the follow-up, OP.
A question for you. Why aren't you living together? Because if you two want to raise a child you better be sure you can actually stand to be around each other 24/7. You don't truly know someone until you've lived with them.
I still don't get how you need to smoke with her in order to stop caring about it though. You keep bringing it up in every follow-up, but it's just very strange logic, OP. It almost sounds like despite everything, you actually want to try smoking yourself, but under the more heroic label of "self sacrifice". I'm not trying to be harsh, but read your posts and see how it comes across. In any case, even if you're genuine about it, it'll probably do the opposite, actually. Smoking and a past of asthma don't go together. You will feel it on your lungs every time you take a drag and because of that you'll constantly be reminded how terrible it makes you feel.
Anyway, your girlfriend is delusional if she thinks she can stop later if she can't even stop herself from picking up the habit now she hasn't even started. Tell her: "You know how you can prove that you can stop after a few months? By not starting now. If you can't stop yourself now, you definitely can't stop yourself later, when you're actually addicted. And don't think that it won't happen to you; the only difference between you and other people is that you'll be in denial about it."
In any case, she's definitely not ready to have a child anytime soon if she can't get childish stuff like this out of her system. She sounds like a difficult teenager to be honest.
In the end you can be as reasonable as you want to be, but she will do what she will do. It's up to you if you want to stay with someone who behaves this way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really should have taken the time to clear up my question some more so I apologize for not thinking to include this. We do not live together at this current time, yes I understand that because I don't she can technically smoke and it won't affect me, I am aware of that.What is making me upset is the fact that I am concerned that she wants to do it but only for a short while (say a few months) but she doesn't want to get addicted or have the health effects. She also doesn't want to be on them when we have a child together, but she can't seem to grasp that even if she does stop just the pure stress of having and raising one will trigger her urge to smoke. To me the simplest solution is to simply not do it but she seems obsessed with doing it.Maybe its because she likes all forms of smoke (she likes burning incense and watching the smoke rise, she loves the smell of cigarettes, bonfire smoke and weed....and no she hasn't done weed) and that's why she can't seem to get it out of her head. But it concerns me that she can't seem to understand just how much it will affect her future if she starts.I've tried explaining that even if she does succeed in quitting after a few months she will still get the urges even if she doesn't like them anymore and any form of stress or even just seeing someone smoking WILL trigger off her urges. But for some reason she can't see that, she's aware of the risks but thinks that because she'd have had her fill of it and able to quit off them she will be "immune" to being addicted to them again because she knows what it's like.I'm only saying that I should join her because of how I feel, if I'm damaging myself then I won't be as concerned about her health as I'm essentially putting myself in the same boat. I see it as a major problem (as far as I'm concerned any addiction is a problem, no matter how big or small) and yet she sees it as a small thing that won't affect our future much. It feels like she isn't looking at the bigger picture and is only thinking in short term, not long.All I'm asking is if anyone has another solution besides me starting with her or simply leaving her. She wants this issue to end just as much as I do and even though she says she won't do it because she wants to be with me, she still wants to do it despite knowing how it will make me feel and what the risks are.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 January 2016):
 I'm sorry OP, I will be totally straight with you and not mince words, because you are not thinking straight here or thinking at all.
Smoking WITH her to keep her happy is RIDICULOUS. She had 4 cigarettes, she is NOT addicted to the cigarettes but to the "feeling" cool.
If she wants to do heroin next, will you stab yourself in the arm with a hypodermic?
Of jump off a bridge?
Or play "chicken" on the highway?
There is such a thing a common sense, try and use it. DON'T be STUPID to keep a girl. Seriously.
Go ask your parents what they think about this "dilemma" - I'm sure they will give you a dose of common sense.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 January 2016):
My parents have both been heavy smokers for over 30 years. Because of the cost, they are now 'clicking' their own cigarettes (basically you buy a box of cig shells and a box of tabacco and this little stuffing machine and then you can make your own). It cuts down on the cost a lot, and it takes up a lot of time to make a full pack. The hassle of making them made them cut down on smoking, to the point where they're only smoking 25% of what they used to. I hope that one day in the future, it'll be reduced to zero.
Anyway, what I would propose is this.
Your girlfriend is stubborn and already in denial about being addicted to cigs. Getting up in arms about it is just going to make her dig her heels in. So offer a truce. Tell her she can smoke BUT that you in order to still be able to save up for the future and the things she wants to do, she has to use the clicking system so she can save money. Make sure you already bought it (mine was a christmas present for my parents) so she has no excuse to avoid it.
Hopefully the hassle of it will make her lose interest in the habit.
Don't click them for her and don't participate in the smoking. I know it sounds tempting to martyr yourself so you can say "I told you so" when you both get lung cancer, but trust me, it's not worth it. (Also I am saying this sarcastically; yes smoking is linked to lung cancer but smoking does not mean you're doomed to get it). Also make her smoke out of the house (smoke stains mean you'll have to repaint your walls every few years and clean the ceiling too.).
You can't prevent her from picking up the habit but you definitely have a say in how she does it, since you both live together. Make your objections practical. No stuff about her health (let her be in charge of that, even if you think she's ill fitted to do so, she's still in charge of her own body.) Make it all practical. So to recap:
Tell her "I've been thinking about it and since you want to do it so badly, who am I to say no. BUT since we share the house, I have a few conditions.
#1. You use this system to save money. This way you can smoke and we can still keep our plans for our future the same.
#2. No smoking indoors. This is not about our health, but the fact that we'll have to repaint the walls every few years, maybe every year and have the ceiling professionally cleaned that often as well. It's just not worth it. "
That's it. That should be easy enough. And if it doesn't discourage her, at least it won't impact your life as much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, just thought I'd mention that neither of us are actually smoking. She wants to after having only 4 of them and she only had the last 2 a month ago.We thought the E-cigarette would help ease her urges but they haven't. That was our last resort as we have tried writing down the cost of how much she's be spending per week every time she gets the urge to smoke but that failed as well. So it feels like the only way out of this is to actually start smoking with her, that way she gets what she wants and I won't feel so concerned about her health as I will be hurting my health as well. Yes I personally don't like it,I hate the taste and the smell, I used to have asthma as a child so it probably isn't wise to do it, but if it keeps our relationship together long enough for her to get over these urges then I am willing to do it for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): yes i am offended because all those bad things I wrote about did happen because i smoked for 30 years the letter writer also said he wants to smoke.I was trying to appeal to him his girlfriend and the health of their un born children but i guess that is not important.I know the question was should i break up with her but my answer was for both of them just do not do it.I died for a few min.when i had my stroke i saw there is way more but the point i was trying to make was for both of them.Both should quit do not break up but you both just quit.the pain you will feel in 30 years or so is not worth it..quit now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): She has just started smoking and she can stop...if she wants to. I see this as more of a power play. She can do as she pleases and you fund her. Its very immature behaviour. Put your foot down and set up some boundaties. For her health she needs to stop. You are willing to support her. If she decides that her health and your relationship are not worth it then you are going to walk away. If thats not enough to show her that you care about her health and yourself enough then the relationship is not the right one for you anyway. Be clear about what you want and need from her and if she is not willing to look after herself it tells you everything about the person she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, just thought I'd note as I for some reason missed this out in my question. I only bought one pack as I pretty much gave up caring at the time, though that back fired as the next day I immediately regretted it and we almost broke up there and then because of it.
I say I feel like I should join her as if I do then I am basically in the same boat as her. If I'm inflicting the health and financial effects on myself then I don't really have a reason to be so concerned about her health. We'd be going through the same process of smoking and quitting so in a way (at least this is what it sounds like in my head) it will hopefully solve the issue.
Sorry for not including that as I was essentially rushing the backstory for my answer.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2016):
I'd break up now.
It IS her choice to smoke or not smoke, but it IS your choice to not want to date a smoker.
Considering the two VERY lovely people David Bowie and Alan Rickman just lost their battle with cancer (both smokers) I can not understand why people WANT to smoke. There are SO many more negative sides to smoking and well, I can't find a single good one! (and yes I smoked myself for some years and THANKFULLY stopped that nonsense.)
Let he be happy with her cancer-sticks and YOU find yourself a girl who isn't into smoking.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 January 2016):
I would break up now. She's basically asking you to cover the majority of other costs if she chooses smoking. You are already buying her cigarettes. this is unfair for you. I have heard people breaking up because the girl, at age 30, suddenly wanted to get a degree in music when they are both computer science people. He thought music would be a waste of money and there would be no stable job prospects.
If you go ahead and marry her, and one day you tell her no, "you can't smoke now because there will be company, or no you can't smoke now because I have a sinus problem," she would look at you dumbfounded. "Why I thought you married me and you accepted that I would smoke."
I don't understand why you have to smoke too. Is it because you don't want her to smoke too much so you would take half of it? Or so that you would accept her better?
Ask yourself this, do you want to be with a person who thinks that having black lungs is worth the temporary relaxation and mature feelings she gets? As if she can't find anything else, that's healthier and cheaper that can give her better results?
If she is stressed now, married life with kids would be doubled. By choosing smoking she is saying that she gave up on looking for alternatives on how to reduce stress.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): There's no reason you should feel you have to smoke them too because she does, it's not the best idea to smoke indoors anyway as it makes things smell and discolours things if you smoke heavily. So couldn't she just go outside when she needs to have a cigarette?It is really expensive buying packets of cigarettes, when I was smoking a lot it could cost me about £50 a week! But I didn't have to worry too much about money then. You can get tobacco and roll them instead, they then don't contain as many of the nasty chemicals that ready made ones do. They aren't as addictive and you don't feel the urge to smoke as much. So that's one thing she could try to do if she really can't see herself quitting.Have you tried getting those patches or tablets for her if she's finding it hard giving up?Unfortunately she enjoyed smoking the first one you gave her and they are so addictive, it's really very hard to stop once you start enjoying it. But the thing is you gave them to her to begin with so that was a bad decision. You can't give something to somebody and then buy even more then expect her to stop when she's getting addicted.Personally I wouldn't end a relationship over this, have a look at those patches and tablets and maybe weaning off cigarettes by rolling them instead. I smoke a fraction of what I used to by doing that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): I just quit 3 months ago. I had to get a drug chantix to quit. On top of that I used the gum and then the lozenge. I smoked for 35 years. It was hell to quit and each day is a struggle. The withdrawls were hell on earth...you have no clue. I quit because I had a stroke at age 51 and I want to live. I now have 9 perscription meds I must take everyday just to stay alive. One of the many times I was in the hospital clinging to life the doctors did a test on me where they run a camera up your main vein. Well that messed up a nerve and now it is damaged and I will be in bad bad pain forever.My poor son who is now 28 was born a month early and has astma forever because i smoked.Now to top all that off I have a bulging disk in my back and need surgery to fix that.I googled that and you know what? Smoking also causes that. Please tell her if she ever wants kids or to live long enough to see her grandchildren which is my dream do not smoke.It is not worth the price you pay in your health and I am paying that price now and will forever.
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