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Repeat wedding

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2022) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I need advice to see if I’m being unreasonable.

I got engaged in 2019 and was planning to marry in 2021 as I found a beautiful venue that was out of budget but my fiancé and I had planned to work extra hard to save up as we both loved the place.

I had my heart set on so many things and then my fiancés uncle was diagnosed with cancer and my fiancés mum (his sister) pushed us to bringing the wedding forward as she wanted her brother to attend.

My fiancé wasn’t even close to his uncle! But we did it to keep the peace.

Unfortunately as we didn’t have much savings our wedding was on a tight budget and tacky. I hated it. I can’t even look at our wedding album as the day was just so gloomy! The venue was a horrible hall, our food was a cheap buffet and my dress was cheap. We didn’t even have a prior wedding cake.

Just FYI my mother in law did not contribute anything to the wedding.

The whole wedding was doom and gloom as my mother in law spent the entire day crying about her brother and fussing over over him.

What I found extremely strange was that in the 5 years I’d been with my fiancé, I only saw his uncle a handful of times and my fiancés mum never seemed that close to him.

As it happens his uncle is in remission and doing well so in hindsight there was no need for us to have bought the wedding forward.

What is also odd is that my MIL told us that his cancer diagnosis was really bad yet told other members of the family the opposite. I honestly have no idea what she was playing at.

I have told my husband I now want to renew our vows at the venue we had originally planned for. Financially we can now afford it but my husband doesn’t want to. He thinks it’s a waste of time but I need to have better memories of the day that was supposed to be “the happiest day of my life”- I sacrificed my original wedding to accommodate his family and make them happy- now he doesn’t want to make me happy. Am I being unreasonable?

View related questions: cheap, engaged, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022):

Why don't you just have a wedding anniversary party instead of making it a party to renew your wedding vows. That way, there is less pressure on your husband and you still get a party at your preferred venue. If he refuses that, then how about a birthday party? I do think you made a mistake bowing to others wishes about your wedding. But what's done is done and you can't change it. I do think five years is a bit soon to be renewing your vows

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022):

I think you are being unreasonable, although at the same time I understand that you might feel disappointed that not eveything in your eveything was up to your expectations.But, guess what, in life very often things do not go as we had expected, and we need to be able distinguishing a life-altering negative event from a minor annoyance ,and learn to convive peacefully with the second.

I think that your MIL had a very valid reason for asking to push your wedding forward ! ,and that it is totally understandable if she was not at the merriest at your wedding and was "fussing " about her brother. But if you honestly think that it was much ado about nothing, and that anyway their problems should not have interfered with your wedding,...well,you are an adult, you could just have said "sorry, but no ". You wanted to keep the peace in the family, fine, compassionate choice - but now you cannot also be mad at your MIL and husband and the whole world for a choice that you made -without being held at gunpoint.If having a fancy wedding was such a big deal for you, you should have difended your plans ,nails and teeth

Anyway, what is done is done and what counts now is your marriage, not your wedding. I blame silly shows like "Say yes to the dress " for encouraging people to NOT keep things in perspective.Who said that your wedding day "must" be the happiest of your life and most of all, why does your happiness has to come from a Bridezilla dress or a lavish buffet or any of the (often, garish and tacky ) trappings of a big wedding ? A wedding party is just that : a party, it may turn out fantastic or it may turn out mediocre, so what ? The important memories you will build are those you will accumulate in your daily life during all your marriage, not a few mental snapshots of you in a poofy gown.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2022):

Your question is one of those questions that will get a split response; because it's hard to say you're unreasonable for sentimental reasons, while some think it's impractical. Especially, if your husband doesn't want to do it. If a poll was taken, I'm pretty sure you'd get a tight count between the yes's and the no's. It just depends on how you look at it; and consider the motive behind it. Either-way, you're still just as married. Regardless of how much you spend and how fancy it is, a wedding is a wedding. You're well past the daydreaming teenage-girl stage of life.

A cynic might speculate that your MIL was using her brother's illness as a tool of manipulation. Having lost two sisters, my mother, and the love of my life to cancer; I might empathize with her. You can't predict what cancer does. Remission doesn't mean it's cured.

Maybe she honestly did feel he wouldn't make it; but there isn't just a bride in a wedding, there is also a groom. Nobody knows what truly lies in another person's heart, we can only see what's on the surface. She wanted him to see her son walk down the isle; and she hoped the whole family could attend. It's presumptuous for you to judge how close someone is by how often they visit. Weddings are primarily a family-event; and you want as many of your beloved-relatives to attend as you can reasonably accommodate. It's not just the bride who has guests, so does her groom.

It's his wedding too.

I would suggest you either flip a coin or draw straws; and maybe you can coerce your husband into doing it again...someday!

It just seems that the money and time could be better invested in something more practical; since that window of time is now gone. It's not just your call, but you can make it a bone of contention that will cause a rift in your marriage; if you persist, and he still thinks it's unnecessary. Your wedding was what you could afford at the time; and maybe not as extravagant as you may have dreamed. I would think the quality of the marriage is what matters most.

Someday, your husband will probably be willing to renew your vows; but citing his mother and uncle with cancer as the cause of your unhappiness isn't sending him the right message. If love was the reason, you might have less resistance. It looks as if you're blaming his uncle (who had cancer) as an inconvenience; and even if you don't mean it that way, you surely did convey this through your post. If you're only doing it to show-up your MIL as an act of defiance; it's going a bit overboard.

I've attended the most beautiful marriage celebrations over the years; that didn't require the trappings of a wedding, but were the most wonderful gatherings I can ever remember.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2022):

Honeypie agony aunt"Am I being unreasonable?"

Not really.

But...

I think your husband is right. I also think it's a waste of time. You are already married. Even if you DID spend a lot of money and planned a "dream wedding" stuff might still ruin it and it might turn out to be a pretty but shit wedding as well. So many things can go wrong.

My husband and I married at the courthouse with his brothers and dad present and then later had a party in my country for family and friends about 5 months later. It wasn't a second wedding but it was lovely. No wedding theme, no gifts, just GOOD company, and good food.

" “the happiest day of my life”- "

Is not about pretty venues and pictures. It's about the commitment you MAKE to your spouse. The person you HOPEFULLY will spend the rest of your life with.

A fancy wedding or a "perfectly planned" wedding will NOT make your marriage "perfect" or your life better.

Most fairy tales END at the wedding.

Life doesn't end at the wedding.

Guess why?

Have an AWESOME party or a dream vacation/honeymoon with your husband, make MORE memories.

Sometimes life happens. Things are not as expected. I don't really think there are do-overs for a "meeh" wedding. Because the whole POINT of a wedding is not what you think it is.

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