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Our emotional affair (never had sex) ended two years ago. Now he's back in contact shall I savour the moment? (editor: long but worth it)

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

Can anyone help me?

I am a single woman, aged 32, who fell in love (unintentionally) with a man I met 4 years ago. He was 31 at the time and had a girlfriend of 10 years - he had just started living with her.

As much as I tried to walk away, the power of our attraction was too strong. We started an intense affair, with deep emotional attachment.

I know men can be players etc, but I do know that he had never had another relationship with another woman during the one with his girlfriend, apart from with me. He told me he had snogged some random women before, but nothing more than that.

It was clear to me that he felt trapped in his relationship, but at the same time brainwashed into thinking he had to stay with his current girlfriend.

Our affair lasted 18 months, but was never fully consummated (I believe he was too scared to sleep with me because of the deep love he felt for me, and what that would mean for his situation.

My relationship with him was the deepest love I have ever felt - a truly powerful attraction - both physically and emotionally. It was love at first sight, and neither of us could have stopped it.

After 18 months in this strange affair, he stopped all contact. Naturally I was devastated. I never heard from him again.

That was 2 years ago.

It took me the best part of 2 years to get over him.

However, last week, he got in touch with me again. I couldn't understand why, after all this time. The worst thing was he is still with her. They haven't married yet - after 14 years dating. He keeps putting off the engagement.

He is now working in the Middle East - moved from the UK, and is on his own for a few months before his girlfriend joins him.

What got to me, is that he brought up all of our old feelings for each other. He told me that he loved me and the feelings won't go away. I asked him why he was still with her, and he told me that he loved her too.

He invited me to go and see him. At first I was annoyed, as I couldn't believe that after all this time, he could be prepared to be unfaithful all over again.

But there is a sad part of me that really does still love him. And I feel that this is my only opportunity to see him alone, make love to him, and let him feel my love totally. I still have this belief that, if he did, he could not continue his relationship with her. She is a controlling partner, doesn't allow him to go out without her, and has used panic attacks etc to keep him from leaving her. I honestly believe he does love her, but the spark/connection between them is gone, and they have grown apart (they were together since he was 21, she was 18 - he is now 35 and she is 32, and even with pressures of marriage, they haven't married).

I honestly believe he is truly in love with me. What man would pursue a woman over a 4 year period without even having sex with her?

Clearly he is weak too, though.

He is calling me every day (from the Middle East) and it is like we have never been apart. The attraction, chemistry etc is the same as before.

I am an intelligent woman, and I know what everyone says about player men.But this man is different, in the fact that he does have a conscience. But he seems torn between his feelings and his obligations.

What do I do?

Do I take this one chance to spend time alone with him properly, if only for one week of my life? If anything, I will have that memory, regardless of the outcome. I am prepared to walk away and cut contact for good, if he still doesn't show any commitment towards me.

I just feel I will regret this one window of opportunity for the rest of my life, despite the painful emotional consequences I am prepared to face.

Please help!!

View related questions: affair, fell in love, period, player, spark, trapped

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006):

Hello.

I just wanted to say that I am the person who originally posted this problem.

I spent weeks thinking long and hard about what I should do.

Thanks to Shania and Aunt Audrey's advice, alongside a number of friends, I decided to walk away. I found it extremely hard to do, as I truly do still love this guy.

But I told him that I deserved more, and have asked him to not ever contact me again.

As upset as I am, I do feel I have done the right thing - I know I deserve much more from a man. Nothing can come from being second best.

Just wanted to say thanks to this website, and the agony aunts for helping me make the right decision.

Pam xx

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (2 April 2006):

shania agony auntFor a man to be totally in love with a woman,he would leave his wife/girlfriend and spend the rest of his life with you,full stop.It doesn't matter how much you dress this up....making excuses as to why he cant leave his girlfriend,the fact remains that he is still with her,he told you that he still loves her,he hasn't got a gun to his head,saying he has to stay with her so im afraid i dont buy it.Another thing.....if he really wanted you,would it of taken 2 whole years to get in touch with you? Thats not love,thats taking libertys.He hasn't offered you anything,he is dangling you on a piece of string.Walk away now and find another man who wont mess you about....believe me,they are out there.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2006):

Dear Audrey

Thanks for your reply.

There are no children involved. He told me that he had kissed other women before meeting me, but nothing more - and no relationship outside that with his girlfriend.

In terms of her being controlling, not allowing him to go out - it is true. The only way we would see each other was in the day, whilst he would be at work, and when I was working at home. We hardly saw each other a lot at all - probably once every 6 weeks - even that would be a nightmare! However, we spoke several times a day and also in the night. Often the communication was 24-7, which is hard to imagine, since he was living with her. Not sure how he managed that.

He is adamant that I am his only affair, and I believe him.

I know I have to cut him off at some point. I was just thinking this is my last and only chance to be alone with him and truly share our feelings together.

And if he can continue without me after this, then so be it. I will cut him off if this is the case.

I do have self-respect, and am weighing up everything...

To highlight just how much a player he is not, I sense he is starting to get cold feet about my coming to see him. Again (like before), I believe he is realising how much he does feel for me, even after all this time, and I don't think he cope to could stay with her if he made love to me - it would probably make it unbearable for him. Maybe I am being naive, but I do honestly feel that. Even if he doesn't split with her, I do know that he will regret not being with me for the rest of his life. I am sure of this.

He told me he is worried as he doesn't want to upset me.

If he decides its best I don't come up, then I will respect that decision and cut all contact with him there and then.

I do have self-respect, and am weighing up everything...

Even if I do go up and spend time with him, I know he will hurt just as much as I will, if he decided to let me go again.

Something has made him get back in touch. In fact, the first time he is alone, he gets in touch with me.

He does love me, and is still in love with me - that I know. Whatever happens, I know he will always love me. He is weak and a coward. He feels as if he doesn't have any option of being without her. She is making him stay with her out of guilt. And he is brainwashed in feeling he has to stay, regardless of his true feelings.

If you felt this strongly about someone, wouldn't you take the risk? I have met lots of men since, and even been in love with other men. But, I know I won't find a love like what I had with him again. We both agreed that we were "the one" for each other. His only regret was not meeting me firstly, (but that would mean meeting me at the age of 17!!)

I have spoken to so many people about this. The reaction is mixed. But I still feel, opportunities of happiness only come along once in a blue moon - am feeling more prepared to take the risk, that's if he is.

This is my last chance to convince him what he is about to say goodbye to forever. My last try. If it is all in vain, then I will just have to pick myself up and get on with the rest of my life. I did that before, and I know I will do that again.

I am a very attractive, intelligent, confident and successful businesswoman. I know I can meet someone else and be happy, in the future, should it not work out with him. I just don't know why I love him so much.

Would you really walk away Audrey? SO easy to say, so difficult to do when it is your feelings entwined.

When you have dreamt of having that moment with a special someone, it's hard to resist the temptation. Curiosity, more than anything has me tempted to be with him, if only for this one time.

Does anyone else have a perspective on this? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

Thanks a lot - you are helping me to question everything further!

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A female reader, Aunt Audrey United Kingdom +, writes (31 March 2006):

Aunt Audrey agony auntYou have lived without this man for 2 years and are still here to tell the tale, which means no matter how much you love him you can live without him, which is exactly what I'd do if I was you.

I understand this man has been in a relationship for many years, but has never married, you don't mention if they have children?

I do not believe he will ever leave his partner now, which leaves you with what exactly?

A few times together when she's not around.

You says she's very controlling and he can't go out without her, so how do you manage to see him?

Do you know her personally or rely on what he says to be the truth? Something tells me he may have cheated in the past, and he's unlikely to tell you that.

I think reading between the lines you know what you should do, this relationship is going nowhere.

Why be someones bit on the side, have some self respect and tell him where to go, he can always come back should he be single oneday.

You may be prepared for a broken heart, but who wants to seriously go through that pain just for the sake of it, especially when you are walking in with your eyes wide open?

Get over him and meet someone that deserves all that love you have to give and embark on a relationship that will be totally fullfilling for you, not half a deal, but the real deal!

Stayed involved with this man and you are wasting your time, life is too short, and you deserve better.

Good luck.x

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