A
male
age
41-50,
*r.goodguy
writes:Please anyone give me advise ...I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life, so here's my story I'm 30 years old married 5 years and together 6 years. we have 3 kids two she had from a former marriage but the dad was a deadbeat, thug, gangster in and out the penn so when we got serious I became their dad and gave them my last name ,trying to adopt them I love them :) we also have a 4 year old together ,when I met my wife she was so amazing ,beautiful ,funny,we got along so well ,we spent hours on the phone talking ,then the second time hanging out we slept togather its was great we connected on a deep level ...now for me to sleep with a girl that soon was EXTREMELY out of the normal ,after we did she told me she had been cheated on by so many guys that she wanted to know if i was a player? I explained I had beenwith 8 +her and that I had not had a one night stand since i was a kid like 16 trying to be cool ,I was always a relationship guy and the funny thing is I could have slept with hundreds ! I'm very handsome I'm 6,3 and even a former model .but I personally think its just nasty to f**k a stranger ..now if someone else wants to thats fine but its not me. so back to the story so then I asked her about her past she told me 10 and she said she was kinda wild as a teen I didn't judge I asked about one night stands/flings ?she said no yuck I'm not that kind of girl !that's trashy on and on .....so I was actually very happy to here that I asked if she ever been with a girl or 3 ways or 4 way she said her and her girlfriend both screwed a guy one night ,but other than than nothing crazy ?I wad ok ...so we started dateing and 8 months we got pregnant then married then whole year was amazing she and i had an amazing love life we got along I was always loving and careing so was she then BOOM !!!! our sex life changed we went from having all the time getting oral sex all the time even waking up to it:) she changed she was rude she was cold never wanted closeness we never had sex and I will say before anyone asked ,yes I am a good guy loving very sweet good dad ,never cheated scratch her back ,anything ?I could never win ?if I brought it up she would say if you dont like it leave or find some other chick?? wtf?? right .....id end up on the couch watching porn :( this went on for years when we did sleep togather it was good and I would ALWAYS ,make her cum I'm a giver i'll go down for an hour if thats what it takes.but it was other stuff too she would never be there if i was going through pain I have some health issues,and when I'm down she would say im not your nurse ?heartless ..but me hell no if she was sick im right there ...so fastforward to now !!so I find out through hearing her speaking to my mom that she regreted A LOT OF ONE NIGHT STANDS? lol i was like what? so I asked her well basically she told she f**ked 25 +guys and had 3ways screwed two guys in one night slept with a chick I found out that 18 of them were one nighters and she even screwed drug dealers ,gang members ,guys out of prison ????I was shocked I wanted to puke ,she admited to nasty things ....I was so sad inside hurt feeling disgusted and tricked she said she didn't know her number was so high and she forgot about the one nights stands .....I don't believe that for a second ....so now I'm hurt dealing with these images in my head and the worst thing is there real!!! :( so how do I feel knowing I was lied too and she never wanted me but would do these guys anytime they wanted or the first night ? They even gave her multiple stds she said ....and she gets upset if I seem judgmental???am I crazy or should I feel hurt ???
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male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (28 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the question @yos thank you for your posts and trust me I've read hundreds of posts on retroactive jealously BUT......unlike many of those men I did not know prior to dating and it's not 5 guys I'm jealous of or really jealous actually I'm a very confident man just hurt and unhappy with my situationSo to the point yes I acknowledge I need to have compassion for her years of bad choices because the truth is she was molested when very young had drugie parents and was in foster care ...lived on her own at a young age ..she always dated bad guys because that's what she thoult she deserved .and they always played her and used her ..both phyisicaly and financially .so my point is I DO have a lot of compassion for her pain that's why I asked questions to try to understand WHY!?? So I believe there is no single right answer on this subject and I will just say thanks and I'll try my best out of love and life
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 The only thing she can do is not lie again. I'm sure she regrets what happened.
I know it's not fair. Life rarely is. But trying to exact some punishment on her is not going to help you. It will destroy you both in the end. I know that's not what you wanted to hear, but then you didn't want any of this. I'm sure she didn't want most of it either.
What you need is compassion and empathy.
Compassion for your wife's difficult years and the highly unpleasant things that must have happened to her to result in her prior behaviour.
Empathy for how she felt and is feeling now. You are locked up in your own pain. Fair enough. But believe me when I say to you that the way out of your pain is to understand her pain. Try to see this through her eyes. Walk a mile in her shoes.
Sadly I doubt you'll manage this, judging by your state right now. But sudden realisations do happen.
In the mean time, if you look back through the many years of my posts here you'll find lots more discussion on this.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I can see why it makes you feel unnattractive and used when your wife is not loving. When she was talking to her mom maybe she is figuring out why she can't be sexual with you. Sex in her life has always been cheap and violating, maybe she never knew how to emotionally connect through sex. You said you connected on a deep level early at the beginning. I question that. Perhaps you did and she didn't. When her life story is revealed, maybe she wants to understand herself more, when she feels attacked it is hard to feel you are a team. She should understand why you feel hurt and angry. How could she do that when she never effectively communicated with men before? If she is not doing anything to save the marriage you should let her go. I think she is too late to see the amount of frustration she caused you. I believe there should be intimacy in sex. To let go in sex, and to fuse with another person requires you to be emotionally vulnerable, and the possibility of opening past wounds because if she doesn't get over the pain in the past, there would be no room to love. It is like peeling layers of the onion until there is no more hurt, only peacefulness. I am guessing this is the possibility why she can't open her heart to you, because she is scared to revisit the past and to let that go. Or, it could be a bunch of excuses as to why she can't be a better woman to you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I'm not hearing any possibility of forgiveness in the followup. I think you should accept that the marriage is over and start changing your life to reflect that. Begin to reach a new normal.
Sorry that things didn't work out. Best wishes for the future.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (26 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the question@tisha thanks for your kind post .and @yos look I'm not saying I did not ask for advice .i understand that many people have different views on this .what I'm am saying is somehow I'm feeling that yes your right if I shut up never bring it up ,don't ask why she lied "",dont ask anything"" ...?then my marriage would get better...yeah but where's the accountability for her actions ?all I'm saying is look its not right to completely lie your way into someone's heart and look them in the eyes and say I think one night stands are disgusting and there trashy and your not that type of girl ..?i was lied to and hurt !!!!she slept with drug dealers thugs BAD GUYS!! She had stds And had like20 one night stands !!!!!.what makes no sense is look at it like this if it was a women saying a men cheated or abused her or just lied about this kind of thing people would not being telling the girl what she did wrong to make him cheat or why he hit her and what she should do to make him happy ! And what she should do to keep him lol see what I'm saying is it does not seem right that my wife can treat me un sexual for years never be by my side threw health things she could sleep with as many men as possible and any type of low life on this planet .then when she meets a great man that's a father to her kids and treats her great she just lies and misleads him to believe she a good girl ?so yos is saying she did all those things to you and you should then crawl back on your knees and swallow your pride and just let it be ????? Wtf kind of advise is that can't wait to see if your women cheats on you ?? What ur just Gunnar say its ok Hun I'll keep my feelings to myself ,it's all my fault loo right ...how about this YOS I Got a QUESTION FOR YOU WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK SHE SHOULD DO TO KEEP ME????WHY SHOULD I STAY WITH SOMEONE THAT LIED ABOUT ARE FOUNDATION AND WAS CRUDE TO ME!???????
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (25 April 2012):
You say:
"Please give me advice ...I'm hurting more than I ever have in my life"
And you say:
"Nope sorry I'm not going to allow someone to flip this into what I NEED TO DO "
Can you see your paradox here? You want advice, yet you are not open to someone telling you what you need to do. That's what advice is: telling you what you need to do.
And you also say:
"I believe I am allowed to be angry... I'm so sad and depressed"
But you don't want to stay sad and depressed, do you? You want to save your marriage, don't you?
So yes, you are allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be anything you feel.
But if you want to escape your sadness, anger and depression, and to save your marriage, you need to let go of this.
Feeling injured is only going to drag you down. Hanging onto the past is only going to keep you living in it. Saying that you deserve to feel angry is only going to keep you angry. Refusing to listen to the advice you ask for is only going to keep you trapped.
As I said in my first reply, there is a way out of this. But it will take digging very deep into yourself. It means forgiving your wife. It means refusing to dwell on and think about the painful images that appear in your head. It means teaching yourself bit by bit that you can repair your relationship if you put continual positive energy into it.
There are many techniques to doing this. It's not unlike breaking an addiction (In a strange sense you are addicted to the images and negative emotions). Anything that calms your mind and helps you focus, and makes you feel grounded, is good.
Make your mind up.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2012):
So I think Yos has given you the advice someone in your position can use to move forward. It's not nice and it's not comfortable and it's not something anyone 'deserves' but you are in the situation and you either make the decision to try to deal with it, and move toward a new 'normal' or you make the decision to end the relationship and move forward from there.
Trying to get details to make you feel better seems to be counterproductive in most of these cases as it generally results in more images and negative thoughts that wind up adding more pain and hurt.
Does that make any sense at all? And yes, we do know you've been a good husband and have been the one affected so deeply. If you can't get past this stuck point though, then maybe it's time to end the marriage, so that you can move on and find the healing you seek.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (25 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I do !!!and I've been an amazing man and husband to her !!i This issue is about lieing and trust .w
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2012):
Please answer Yos's question. Do you want to save the marriage or not? Quickly, yes or no.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (20 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the question@aresu you are 100 %right ...I should be the one allowing her to apologize to me not me walking on egg shells to not upset her if I "judge her"
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (19 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me guess retroactive jealousy????? Nope sorry I'm not going to allow someone to flip this into what II NEED TO DO ???why should I have to be all sweet and nice to someone that's completely lied and betrayed me and as the last poster said ..it's on her !!to make it right .look I'm loving faithfully respectful ,and treated her with so much love over the years .... She has not ...you tell me how a guy will not be hurt when his wife never wanted me sexually but gave theses gang members it whenever they wanted ????? Plus I have taken on being her kids dad because he's a loser gangster so what I don't get anyone's credit ?? I'm a incredible guy that's rare so for someone like u to say this is on me.......or my issues we'll ...your wrong
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A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 if you really are miserable because of this, and she has treated you horrible as you say, then you should end this relationship, this kinds of problems continue because people let them continue, they force themselves to try and suck it up in false hope that the problem will end someday or that they will be able to get over it, but that is not what a loving relationship is supposed to be, it shouldnt have to be a chore to make it bearable, in a healthy relationship you dont eed to be forcing yourself to put up with things that make you unhappy.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (19 April 2012):
Decide whether you want to save your marriage or not.
If you don't then there's no point in dragging this out.
If you do, then you need to let go of what's happened and focus on the advice i've given below. But that's only going to go if you really want to make this work out.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (19 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe I'm allowed to be angry ....I'm so sad so deppresed ,I'm the victim!!!!!im not the dickhead? I have tried to be loving but She caused this She made those choices and has treated me horrible for years
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (19 April 2012):
Yes she'll get upset if you ask questions. Please take my advice on this: i have spoken to many many men about this precise issue over the years on this site, having experienced it myself about 5 years ago.
Don't ask her questions.
Don't ask her questions.
Don't ask her questions.
The more you ask the more you'll drive a wedge between you. The more she tells you the more negative information you'll have in your mind: information that will torture you over and over.
It's ok to be upset. But if you want to stop being upset then your path is to let this go, not focus more on it.
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A
male
reader, mr.goodguy +, writes (19 April 2012):
mr.goodguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the support I feel I am just acting like any good guy would?she gets mad if I seem upset or ask questions?
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A
male
reader, aresu +, writes (19 April 2012):
I agree with male anon. The responsibility is on her, those were her decitions and is now her issue to deal how those choices reflect the kind of Person she is, is not fair that you are the one who should deal with the pain that her past brings, when she is the one who did those things, and knew very well what she was doing, and now on top of that you should just suck it up and deal with it? That is not fair at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2012): Should you feel hurt? Hell yes. You got tricked into marrying someone who has done things that "make you want to puke." You married a lie and now you are finding out the real woman is someone different. Of course you feel bad, you lost your wife. The wife that you thought you were marrying never existed. I'm sure she regrets it. So what? A lot of wife beaters and child molesters regret their actions later too. But it doesn't mean other people dont have the right to have negative feelings about those actions. Im not saying casual sex is as bad as those things. I'm making the point that regretting your past actions does not remove your responsibility for them. And your regret does not remove your partner's right to feel negative about your actions.Bottom line, she lied to you because you would not have wanted to be with her if you had known the truth. She had no right to do that. ***ALL*** the future direct and indirect consequences of that choice are entirely her responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (17 April 2012):
You are entitled to feel hurt that she kept this from you. It's a highly unpleasant experience to hear something like this: i've been there myself.
But at the same time understand that she kept this from you to protect your feelings towards her. She wants you to think the best of her, and is ashamed of what happened. She does not think what happened is good, and i'm sure if she could would undo most of it. So please take some comfort in that.
As for what to do now. I suggest the following:
- Don't bring this up with her again. It's in the past, and you both want to forget it. The more you discuss it the more 'in the present' it will become, and make peace for you both harder to reach.
- Expect to have recurring painful experiences when these images crop up. At this point your natural reaction will be to focus on them and think about them. This will keep you stuck in a negative and painful loop: see feel think see more feel worse etc. Instead, when the images and painful emotions crop up, focus on taking slow deep breaths and try to clear your mind of thoughts. This is very hard at first, but it is your path out of the negative feelings.
- Resist the urge to 'judge'. Men in your state can easily slip into judging their partners because of their own negative feelings. You make some judgmental / moral statements that make me think you have to be extra careful here. Just remember that although she did some bad things, she is not a bad person. She regrets them, and wants to forget them as much as you. By letting go of the need to judge you can find compassion for her instead. Feel sympathy for her that she had to go through this: it's not a start to life she wanted. Instead you can be the safe place that she can live now where she can fully let go of these negative experiences.
You may even find that if you can do these things that this experience will bring you closer together. Think of your kids, and think about how great it will be if you can get past this with your wife. It's worth the effort.
Best of luck and stay strong
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