A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband uses porn he says to meet his need for visual variety . I on. He says porn is just his sexual kink he’s not doing anything wrong or breaking any marriage vow and it makes him feel good The other hand like to feel desired and like to post pictures of myself ( no face shown ) for men to desire me . It makes me feel good . It’s kind of a kink you might say . I’m not touching anyone and no one touches me . He says it’s his body and I don’t own his sexuality just because we are married and I say the same thing Who’s right here? Surely if he has the right to get off to other women because that excites him I have the right to the excitement that comes from being desired from other men. There seems such a double standard around this in society . Men are allowed to go outside relationships and be gratified though porn yet women (who’s excitement often comes from BEING desired rather than looking ) are denied that freedom without judgment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2019): Point made and point taken. In other words, I agree with you that your husband's porn habit is wrong. However, I also do agree that it is a step further to do what you are doing. You could just watch other males...how would you feel if your husband posted pics/ videos of himeself? I am guessing that would hurt even more than just watching porn. Every step further is pushing the boundaries a little more, and I think that is what you are doing here. ALMOST the same as hubby, but a little worse. But hey, he hurt you first with his porn habit, believe me I get it.
But I would say the important thing here is to ask yourself: Is this kind of revenge ego boost worth the risk?
What if someone found out, and YES there are ways it could potentially come out. What if your family, kids and/or parents, employer, OR even just some random creep stalker on the internet found out who YOU were really, by tracing your computer id back, or by other means. Mistakes like this DO happen, hackers happen, then what? YOU are on the line for a silly revenge fantasy that isn't worth its while.
Tell hubby it is time to quit porn. And if he won't you can always get attention by flirting with men in person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2019): I answered you before saying what's good for the gander is good for the goose and after your follow up saying that you have zero interaction with these men, I now agree with you 100% I don't see where the difference is either. He is adamant that he can do what excites him and makes him feel good and you have no say in the matter, but you can't? And all with the excuse that he's a man? Double standards he has honey, double standards.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 November 2019):
 Since you're both seeking gratification outside your marriage without any physical contact with others, then I'd say neither one has a right to point fingers.
Does your husband actually state his objection to this or are you assuming he'll object? Or defending yourself against a possible future condemnation from society?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): Op here Thankyou for the answers , no identifying tattoos or body marks on me and I would have plain background . To the female poster who argues that the viewers are only desiring my body parts and not me. I realise they are desiring my body parts ( just the same as my husband is desiring the body parts of other women ) this is what excites me . For many women including myself it’s a turn on to feel our bodies are desirable to men yet it seems my husband has a double standard in that he is very angry about the idea of other men seeing my body whilst he feels it’s fine for him to get excited over thousands of other women’s bodies because in his words ‘ I don’t own his sexuality and he is a man ‘
My whole point was he doesn’t own my sexuality or body either and if it excites me for other men to see my body then in what way is that different . It literally isn’t . I have zero interaction with them . They may like my picture , just as he likes other women’s but I never speak to them or acknowledge them
It seems completely unfair that the things that excite him and have the same lack of interaction with anyone else are given a free pass but the things that I like are condemned
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): If you value your marriage, and believe in the institution for what it stands for? You're both wrong! Yet, I get your point!
Your husband is making what he considers an indisputable argument. His point is to lay-down the law. By telling you, in no uncertain terms, that he likes porn. He's going to watch it! No matter what you say, think, or feel about it! He's just shutting you down, and continuing what he likes to do. Therefore, the discussion is closed.
As far as being married, why bother? Porn's your thing; so why upset the woman (or man) you promised to be faithful to? Why did you make her/him swear to be faithful, and to forsake all others? Lusting after other women or men? You can't help it, it's natural. You have to take marital-vows in order to create trust, legitimize your union, and to establish the belief you need no others to please you, or to pleasure. Setting boundaries or parameters to maintain monogamy. Laughable in this day and age! Almost a joke! Yet people cheat, but still get jealous; when it happens to THEM!!! Go figure! "Don't do as I do!" I guess that's their argument!
As for going online to collect visuals, and to indulge in porn with a purpose and to satisfy an appetite? Totally different meaning and motive. He's dismissing the very fact that is the major reason you've written your post. It bothers you!
It affects your self-esteem. You feel threatened, and you feel the need to retaliate and rebel against his refusal to consider your feelings. It still feels exactly the way it feels, as if he were cheating on you. He allows you no right to disapprove, nor to object. When you're married; his body is yours, and yours is his. You do have a right to object to him doing anything that hurts your feelings, lowers your self-esteem, and betrays your vow of faithfulness. Lusting without deliberate-intent is natural and human; lusting while on a mission to feed the need... arguably, a whole different ball-game!
Porn is just more frivolous junk-food for our constant need for unorthodox or controversial entertainment. The sex-industry is exploiting a natural predilection; or manipulating a flaw in our human-behavior and psychology; and twisting it into something they can use to make money. With the help of research psychologist, who show marketers and retailers how to take advantage of your greediness and neediness. Get into the head of the masses; and you can make them do anything! Like spend money they don't have (credit); or vote for corrupt monsters with no scruples,morals, or any sense of conscience. You can create cults!
Like a narcotic drug, porn can produce a lot of dopamine; the feel-good brain-chemical that produces euphoria. An assault on our self-control and sexuality! There are ill side-effects. We refuse to admit that for many people, it destroys intimacy. It promotes an over-dependency or addiction to masturbation. Desensitizing, or even traumatizing the genitals. The more you masturbate, the less you need a partner. Like in the age of technology we need something else to hinder our emotional interactive-skills!
The need for visual-variety your hubby is referring to, is a natural proclivity in males. Easily exploited! That's why the beauty, fashion, and cosmetic industries makes trillions of dollars! Profit from our sins and weaknesses! Our propensity towards addiction! Tap into the right areas of the brain and psyche; and you'll gain access and control. Best tool of operation, the internet! Easy and continuous access to the human-mind! The weaker, the better!
When you over-do-it, just like engaging in any other habit or indulgence; you can get greedy, and your desire for quantity and variety can get out of hand. The supply is endless! Which is what the porn industry finds so profitable! If it was so okay, why are women so upset about it? Once you're no longer 16, and have a partner available on demand, how often do you need to masturbate? Come-on!
You're retaliating by allowing men to objectify you. Isn't that like gouging your eyes out to blind the enemy? You claim you like men to desire you, so on and so-forth? Hope you don't have tattoos or recognizable birthmarks, or show familiar furnishings in your home! Anything posted online can virally-spread in just hours. If you think men you know won't recognize you; you're unbelievably naive. Even your husband is likely to recognize you; if he's always online! If you're given to exhibitionism, it is unlikely you leave much to the imagination; which means someone you know will know it's you. They are free to share it; until it reaches those you don't want to see it, or you will be publicly-exposed for it. You don't need a headshot to be recognized. Plausible-deniability doesn't mean squat, when people are convinced it's you! That being said, I hope you don't have teenage-kids. Teenage-boys will know without a doubt it's you! They will make a beeline for your kids to let them know! Their whole school will know! Even if it's just a suspicion!
You're both playing with fire, and you both will undoubtedly get burned.
Married-people these days like to push the envelope, and test the boundaries. The problem is, their union or commitment isn't usually strong enough to withstand the simplest of challenges. So, they're going out on a limb with a saw!
Keep sawing, until you know the bough won't hold you! Spite begets spite, and it's the worst way I know to solve relationship-problems!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): personally, I find porn abhorent. I think it's exploitative and misogynist. however, sort of putting that aside, i think his watching sexual exploitation is far worse than you deciding to objectify yourself. so like you do you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 November 2019):
 You can't go tit for tat with a man. You can't win. He feels justified with watching porn because other men are doing it, so it's normal. This won't change unless we live in a society where social media is restricted. So porn will always exist. What he is doing and what you are doing are not the same, and can't be compared. He is using other women as objects to bring sexual pleasure. After that brief moment the women are discarded and forgotten. You are using other men to feel attractive. In his eyes, you are reducing yourself to be a thing, to be gawked at.
What you both need are not definitions or word play on what's allowed in the marriage institution. You need to express feelings on how your behavior affects one another. If you want satisfying relations and a strong bond, you need to stop what you are doing. Express your feelings in mutual respect. The marriage institution requires you to be mature and sacrifice some freedoms, but with greater rewards at the end than just instant cheap gratifications you see on the screen. He has to decide if your marriage is more important than getting hard by other women to prove his manhood.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): I wanted to add an example. I had answered earlier. Suppose your name is Ms. A. and post a picture of your boobs, the viewer of your pic will only see it as "boobs" not as Ms. A's boobs. So to the viewer it does not mean much. To you however, it's "my boobs" which are being viewed. So then it may either bother you or make you feel good because your identity gets involved here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): IMO, Porn is like watching a movie. It's not exactly desire that happens when you watch porn. There's definitely a difference between watching the movie and becoming a character in it.
Male or female, one gets turned on when watching others having sex or doing anything sexual. I'm don't think porn is mentally healthy though. Anyway, coming to your argument, I do not agree with you that him watching porn of any form (other women or men or fetish) is the same as you showing your pictures, which is a more personal involvement on your part even though for then people watching it, your body part is an object, they aren't at all attracted or desire you as a person!
If you watch other people's videos and get off then I would call it even.
I'm a woman and it's my personal opinion, I too watch porn but there is absolutely no desire or attraction to people in it, only serves as a visual stimulation for masturbation, almost an object of representation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2019): You don't actually state in your post that he has objected to what you do. You stated that he watches porn and that you post pictures, I'm assuming that he objects.He tells you that you don't own his sexuality, whatever that means. I presume it means that you cant tell him what to do with regards to porn. I would agree with you that anonymous posting of your naked body for your excitement is fair. With one exception. Are you interacting with these men in any way? If there is dialogue between you and the men who look at you, then I would say that he has something to object to. Then it is way more personal that just watching strangers who he will never meet or interact with. If however, there is no dialogue or interaction between you and these men, then I say what's good for the gander is good for the goose. If he wants to get his excitement and feel good by watching porn and you 'don't own his sexuality, then equally, he doesn't own yours. It does seem a shame though, when you both got married because you love each other and found each other sexually attractive that he is in one room doing his thing and you are in another room doing yours. Is there any way that you can excite and please each other by bringing new things to the bedroom?
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