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My friends betrayed me when I was vulnerable

Tagged as: Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 June 2014) 12 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everybody, I'm guessing I'm going to get a lot of opinions on this question, I'm feeling pretty rubbish about it and I understand I was irresponsible. Please don't answer my questions with insults or lectures as I've had that off my parents and I already feel terrible. It won't happen again.

It was my 21st birthday on Friday, I had a lovely day spent with my family. Saturday night was planned to go to a club with a large group of my girl friends. I have always said I have the best friends in the world and I've always been so proud of my friendship group.

However, Saturday night I got very drunk. Completely my fault. I was bought numerous bottles of champagne for my birthday and rather than save them I opened them and shared them. Then I was bought shots/ drinks by my friends whilst they chanted for me to down them in one. Rather than know my limits, I succumbed to peer pressure and didn't want to appear the party pooper.

As you can imagine it didn't take long for me to end up in a state. The last thing I can remember is asking my best friend to take me back to our hotel room. The rest I don't remember.

My friends apparently took me back to the hotel room and put me to bed, they then went back out drinking. When they came home they said I was in the bathroom and had been sick everywhere and over myself. They were also pretty drunk then and decided to put me in the shower, which I am grateful for them helping. The next part I am not, they mocked me. Taking pictures of me naked and passed out. They drew all over me, including intimate areas and took pictures and videos of this on there phone. Eventually one of the other girls said it was cruel and told them to stop.

I understand this was my fault for getting so drunk, but I didn't think my friends would do this. I think every person can own up to getting a little to intoxicated in their lives and needing a friends or partners help. I have lost count the amount of times I have held a friends hair back whilst they vomited, taking friends home and sat with them to make sure they don't choke on their sick. It's what friends are for. Obviously not to always look after drunken friends, but to help when somebody hasn't quite realised their limit or the amount they have drank, when alcohol catches up with you and one second your walking and the next your on the floor. I understand friends getting annoyed if it was all the time, but like I said, I bet it has happened to everybody once.

The friend that stopped them told me about this the next day, she was pretty upset about it as well and said she had told them it was disgusting. I am genuinely devastated. I've asked everybody to delete the pictures and said that they have gone to far this time. I feel really hurt and betrayed that my friends would do this when I was vulnerable. I have acknowledged that I made myself vulnerable and that I truly regret. I will learn from this mistake, i guess I feel like I don't really know my friends at all. They are still mocking me and laughing at pictures of me. How do I broach this subject without turning this into an argument?

View related questions: best friend, drunk

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014):

Op, remember your friends were drinking too. Given their condition they helped you but obviously saw a bit too much humor in your condition than was fair, but they were drunk and you didn't wake up with an unknown guy having sex with you so instead of feeling made fun of think yourself lucky that your friends didn't abandon you in the street. And yes, you are old enough to start being more responsible for yourself.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (2 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Sorry, OP, I swear I am not having a go at you, - you learned your lesson already, and, you got your birthday ruined and your views about the loyalty of your best friends altered, which, I agree , is quite bad enough.

But please let me have my soapbox moment, because I am reading things that are so counterintuitive and so NOT self evident, that I just have to speak up.,

So, ahem... no, of course neither the OP nor anybody else deserves ritual humiliation , but , contrariously to popular belief, certainly NOT " everybody drinks too much at one point ", at least not in the sense of needing all night constant supervision least he/she should choke on their own vomit , or fall in an ethilic coma.

That's precisely the kind of mentality that wastes so much time and effort of our state and municipal police forces, some of which have to spend weekend nights babysitting " high spirited " revellers to prevent them from causing themselves, and others, too extensive bodily harm, and / or from damaging or destroying invaluable historical monuments ; while said forces should be employed in preventing and fighting crime on behalf of the general population.

In other words, good luck to me if I have to call the police , or an ambulance, one of those beautiful, "fun - filled " summer nights ! They might be around somewhere, fishing out some fun loving girl like our poster from the fountain where she is drowning under the influence , or taking her to the E.R. to do something about her alcohol poisoning seizures.

Poor kids,... they had no idea that 15 shots of vodka would do that to you...- after all, it's so hard to know your limits,if you don't test them to the max , right ?

Sorry to sound such a curmudgeon, but no ,reckless excess and self harm is never "normal". Normal is having fun, letting your hair down somewhat, allowing yourself more than you'd do at work or at home , OK. Up to a point.

Same as it is normal if you go out to a restaurant and for once you want to indulge yourself , not count calories, and order a big double portion of , say, cheesecake. It's NOT normal consuming 4 whole cheesecakes all by yourself, just because it tastes so good.

I don't know, how come you never have to explain to anybody that they can't eat 12 roasted chickens, they need to stop when they start feeling ever so slightly queasy... because they know that intuitively... but you have to persuade some people that, particularly if they have a story of not holding their liqueurs well, they need to stop at their second or third drink ?!

So, in conclusion, no the OP did not deserve the humiliation , nobody does- but, when you lie down with dogs you wake up with fleas. It's too optimistic to count on the reliability and accountability and protective istincts of people who can't even be reliable , accountable and protective for themselves.

Way I see it, you are even lucky that in their alcoholic buoyancy, they did not decide it was going to be FUN to drench you in spirits and put a match to you !( something that ,alas, has actually happened here to some Brit kids who believed in this concept of " normality " ... )

So, I agree you should perhaps change friends and make new ones... but , beyond and before assessing their loyalty, maybe you should assess their ideas ( and yours ! ) about the definition of " normal " fun...

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A female reader, cattycakes United Kingdom +, writes (2 July 2014):

They have shown what they are. Animals. My response ranges from go to the police and press charges for assault, to lie low and make new friends. I would want to know that the pictures had been deleted at the least. Tell them your parents think the situation very serious and are considering pressing charges, but may be persuaded to hold off if you can be shown that all pictures have been deleted.

You drank too much, but everyone does at some time. It did not make you deserve ritual humiliation. At least you know you have one good friend.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

While they WERE drunk, their behavior was unacceptable. Wasn't there one person who was sober enough to try to stop it or at least stay and take care of you? Make sure you didn't choke? Yes, I know it's annoying to babysit a drunk, but come on! I'm glad that one person thought it was wrong and if you are going to confront them, see if that person will talk to you with them and be on your side. There is NO excuse for that. In fact, that's illegal to video tape that and drawing on genitals is sexual assault in my book. They are NOT friends. I would seriously rethink hanging out with any of them excepting the person who realize that it had gone way too far.

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntOthers have made a valid point - you could have choked on your own vomit. Better than choking on someone else's vomit I grant you, but for your friends to leave you in that state alone like that was crazy!


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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntThink yourself lucky your so called friends only decided to draw on your body, not use it for sex while you were passed out. That happens a lot. So called friends suddenly become very keen to "help" a drunken young woman into bed for their own ends. You were foolish to get into that state. I know you said don't lecture but you have to be more careful in future.

Yes it was a 21st birthday party but you still have to be careful. Accept that YOU are responsible for YOU, don't rely on friends to look after you if you have too much to drink. So many young people get killed falling out of windows, hit by cars, falling in canals or get raped all in the name of getting drunk to fit in with their mates.

I would find decent friends to go out with. It sounds like they, at least when drunk, don't give a flying monkeys about you or themselves. There adolescent fooling around went way too far.

Going out and having to carry people home, hold other peoples hair out of the way while they vomit or staying with them to ensure they don't choke gets old very quickly in ones twenties.

Part of maturing into an adult is not letting others pressure you into doing things you don't want to. Drinking to keep up with your friends was foolish and, ironically, its you who suffered. Next time stay well within your limits and don't let others pressure you into anything.


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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (1 July 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt I am sorry that you had your 21st birthday spoiled by ths lamentable accident, but.... what can you expect. You were passing- out blind drunk, and your friends close to.

When people do not know their limits, or they know them well but won't even try to not exceed them, this kind of things happens. I've seen worse. Once in Barcelona an inebriated perfect stranger lunged at me and tried to choke me- because she had taken me for some archi-enemy of hers. It took two people to shake her off me. And that was a "nice " club .

As for the casualties and freak accidents involving mostly foreign students and assorted back packers who like to party hard in our city ,- we sort of got used to that. We'll hear a loud " thud " ! on a Saturday night - and we'll know that is some pissed drunk young partier that ,egged on by friends like yours, decided it would be fun to dance the macarena on a third floor window ledge.

Again, Ok it was your birthday and all, and nobody is perfect blah blah, but, but apparently you think it's normal and unexceptional that you walk one second and you are on the floor the next, and your friends do too,- so why are you surprised that they developped a weird sense of humour after such a massive intake. If people drink like wild hogs on spring break , they'll tend to develop the common sense and the moral parameters of a wild hog.

In case this sounds too sanctimonious - honestly I don't think it is.. I am not saying " Do not drink " or "Drink in moderation " or anything. I am saying : do what you want, as much as you want- just, then don't be surprised of whatever happens after.

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

oldbag agony auntYour so called friends went too far.

One knew it was wrong, the others should have been of the same mind.

Its one thing to dress you up, draw on your face, but the rest is wrong on so many levels.

I would re-think your friendships, yes we all go OTT after a few drinks but that was a kind of abuse because you were unaware of what they were doing, you were vulnerable.

Do not get that drunk again, that's 'your' responsibility, choose who you drink with carefully. You have to trust your friends and, all bar one, you can't.

Keep a low profile for a while, don't go out drinking for a few weeks. Take stock of what happened and decide how you will proceed. You feel humiliated, embarassed and let down just now, so lick your wounds and learn from it.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (1 July 2014):

Caring Aunty A agony auntWell Caring Aunty A certainly has been sozzled and pickled a few times in her day! In a time when Mobiles, Facebook, and the Internet didn’t exist :)

By the sounds of it you had a ripper of a night Girl; Happy 21st! But you can’t remember it!? You had (pretend) friends who recorded the details and unfortunately they weren’t the happy snaps you were expecting :(

Thankfully you’re only 21 once!? Shyte Happens and you may well yet get to understand that being a ‘Party Pooper’ isn’t as embarrassing as to succumbing peer group pressure?

Now we need to approach these f’wits and get these pics deleted… here I’d like to suggest you keep a cool head and calm yourself down quite a bit before stepping one foot into this arena, cause what you’re going to have to do is convince them and or appeal to their caring side and humble yourself even further.

You could start by speaking to them one at a time, face to face or in a group at your place to settle this. They don’t have to know why you’re inviting them over. Whilst they’re there you bring up the laughs of your 21st and go on to say something about your sorry sad daft behavior and ask that those pics that identify you be kindly and appreciatively deleted PLEASE! Hopefully they whip out their Mobiles and start deleting… Remember, friendship is not on the table here, the aim is to get them to do it. Now it’s your turn to pretend friendship.

The other upside of this is, if they publish these pics across the web etc. I believe it would be without your consent and quite unlawful!

Take Care – CAA

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 July 2014):

Honeypie agony auntNothing you did makes THEIR actions OK.

OUT of all those girls only 1 said, no this is not OK. 1.

I do think drawing on you (not on your privates that inappropriate) but if they gave a moustache and glasses or whatnot, could be a goofy prank that you would have just had to SUCK up, but they went FAR beyond what is OK t od to a drunk person.

They undressed you and TOOK pictures, DREW on your NAKED body and then poked fun at you.

THIS IS only your fault in the sense that you obviously (well obvious now) some cruel and crappy friends who DO NOT deserve your friendship. 1 girl does, out of all of them. 1. That is freaking sad.

This is something I could see guys do, because they tend to NOT give a shit, but girls? No, this is WAY past the OMG let's have some drunk fun.

I have drawn on drunk/hungover friends (with sun-block) when we were in Spain and Greece. But nothing overtly inappropriate.

LEARN from this. This should be a one time occurrence. Do NOT drink to impress or due to peer pressure EVER again.

YOU probably puked because you were at the beginning of alcohol poisoning. YOU could have choked on your puke (pardon) or died. And your friend were more concerned with making fun of you instead of making sure you were safe/OK?

These are some people I would start to remove myself from.

FRIENDs do help drunk friends. Even if they are drunk themselves. BEEN there done that. I have been the puker and the holding the hair. NEVER have I made malicious "fun" of a drunk person.

I'm sorry, your friends (except one) are TWATS & ASSHATS.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014):

Intoxicated people are not on their best behavior, as you can attest to your own behavior. At the time, they were in a state when stupid and cruel things seem funny. They didn't recall the times you held back their hair, and all the good stuff. Just how funny you looked, and how much fun it was to be stupid.

Over-intoxication is not recommended for anyone; unless you're surgically removing a bullet without anesthesia, and

using a pair of tweezers. Otherwise, you all learned a valuable lesson.

If they are truly friends, they will feel some remorse for what they did. That is, if they can remember; or aren't too ashamed to face you. There was one lucid individual within the group, who got things under control. You owe her a mountain of love, and she should be your matron of honor at your future wedding.

While you were unconscious,or during your blackout,you pretty much set yourself up. You abused yourself by drinking yourself into a comatose state. Drinking that much could have put you in the hospital with alcohol-poisoning. That would have been worse than pictures and drawings on your private area.

What you did to yourself might be considered worse; before you decide to run a blue-streak of self-righteousness. You want no lectures, but you are being pretty hard on your friends. Stupid as they were. They came around, and cleaned you up.

Give yourself time to regather your dignity. Keep a low-profile and allow the guilty parties to come forward to seek their forgiveness and redemption. I hope no one was cruel enough to publish any of the pictures. People don't seem to realize, sober or intoxicated, the ramifications of exposing people over the internet and social media without consent. For that, you have a right to be livid.

Hold back contact from those who betrayed you, and place them in the position to have to face you. Deal with them person to person; so you can tell them to their faces how they hurt you. It has to reach their conscience; or they'll write it off as just a harmless prank. It wasn't. It was a form of degradation; and inappropriate for friends.

It's totally up to you to accept apologies, or demand a pound of flesh. I personally would disassociate with the

lot of them, and just get a whole new batch of friends.

That's just me.

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A female reader, auntieJ United Kingdom +, writes (1 July 2014):

auntieJ agony auntI am totally shocked by this!!!!!!!!

The fact your friends left you alone in such a state AND for the fact that they basically assaulted you!!!!!

Yes well all do silly things,yes we all go out & drink a little too much once in a blue moon but we don't all pick on someone in a vulnerable state!

To be honest I wouldn't give these "friends" the time of day they sound like unsympathetic,juvenile,little BI*CHES!!

There is having a laugh & a joke at someone's expense but that incident is just taking things far too far!!

They sound more like silly wee boys then young women & you'll be much better off without them!

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