A
female
age
51-59,
*lder and Should know better
writes:Hello I have been dating a man for 1 1/2 years. We are both in our fifties. We have had our ups and down like most couples. And I have been very understanding with him and his issues, ex wife and ex girlfriend cheated on him and the passing of a child. This past christmas we both spent with our families and were supposed to get together at the end of the day. I told him i would be free after 3 well he finally came at 8 so you can say i was kinda upset, but i got over it. I bought gifts for him. He shows up with nothing not a card or anything. Told me he bought a used car and tires this month so his money was short. I have to be honest i was very hurt. I tried to hide it but i wear my heart on my sleeve. I always get him things here and there..not even for anything special..btw he makes twice is much as i do. Ok i tried to justify in my mind that sure maybe that's true. Here we are in January nothing yet. I'm not at all materialistic but its just the point. He have gotten me a small promise ring (yes promise ring at 50 lol) hes expressed he will never marry again due to the last marriage which was bad, that was last christmas.. and couple other things which i was grateful and thanked him. So this year was nothing..Now we are in January guess what his birthday is coming soon. Like normal i would buy him a nice gift. But deep down inside I feel like screw it. Don't do it. So what do you think..btw on our anniversary we got in a fight so got nothing..but later went on weekend trip..which he said this was to celebrate that. I had gotten him a ring and other things. So this is the 2nd holiday this has happened to me with him. What should i do.. thank for help please be kind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2020): I believe he has too much baggage that he hasn't recovered from. One of his defenses is not giving-- and that means not giving emotionally as well as material presents. And I do NOT think either of those things is good.
At this point in life all men will have baggage, but they will deal with it differently.
He is NOT ready to have another relationship and would never consider re-marrying-- are you okay with that?
In my books it is UNACCEPTABLE that he didn't get you anything for Christmas. It is the thought that counts, as you say, so he could have gotten you something small but meaningful, and written you a nice love note. He could have done some cooking or baking and brought that over to have a nice xmas dinner at your place. There are a million ways he could have made an effort.
And I am willing to bet he DID spend money on xmas gifts for others (I certainly hope he did on his children and his parents if they are living). You as his partner should make that priority list. If he is really THAT broke he should be going on welfare, and then he could at least afford a small gift. If he has a min wage job then you bet he does have SOME disposable income.
He is cheap and uncaring, emotionally unavailable and ...I would end this now.
Also, if he didn't have the money, he should have discussed that BEFORE christmas with you, so that you didn't have to buy him anything either!! You don't spring that on someone on the spot!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2020): I think this guy got-over the relationship awhile ago. He has shallow roots. It is pure speculation on my part; but I think he's comfortable with it, but he's not thrilled about it. From what you've described, I would figure he'd find another girlfriend soon after you left. If you left him.
He'd have a backstory about you; just like he has about his ex-wife, and ex-girlfriend. He'd be the victim of heartbreak and your treachery.
He seems content with having a girlfriend for female-companionship and sex. He lingers, because you take care of him. You're faithful, kind, and you put-up with his shortcomings. He's also testing your boundaries. He pushes the envelope. He wants to see how much of a jerk he can be to you, and you'll still hold-on.
His ex-wife and ex-girlfriend cheated on him you say? Could it have been spiteful-vindication? Perhaps they weren't the cheaters, but it was the other-way around? What proof do you have they cheated on him, other than his one-sided story? If there is proof they actually cheated; doesn't seem like he was much of a catch to start with!
The gift part is unimportant, it's more about some demonstration of emotional-sentiment and affection towards you. Something sweet and touching; to warm your heart.
Send him a simple birthday card. Save your money. He's apparently not into exchanging presents. Cheap rings and guilt-gifts given as an afterthought don't make up for hurting someone's feelings. It wasn't the lack of a gift; it's the lack of any effort to show you matter to him, and he appreciates you.
I think this relationship is lopsided. I think you give too much, and expect too little. I also think you see a lot of other deficiencies and redflags; but you continuously let him slide. You have to have a man, no matter what?
If he's not a sentimental or romantic-type; don't expect anything more than what you're getting.
You're settling, maybe because you're a woman in her 50's; and you feel your options are limited.
I remember from years ago, a colleague in her late 50's who once told me; " having a no-good man is better better than having no man at all!"
It comes down to what you're okay with. He has made it clear he never intends to remarry. If you were driven to write a post to DC, I'm almost certain you've already decided what you should do.
What can you foresee by the end of the year? Do you feel he will satisfy your needs, and make you feel being with him is worth it? Will being with him get better, or worse?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (14 January 2020):
 Its up to you OP to decide what is important to you. What is ok to let slide and what events are deal breakers. If you feel hurt and can't see him changing and you can't accept his behavior, then end it. Life is too short hoping someone will change when deep down inside you know that they won't. Is it worth it to be constantly disappointed? Only you can answer that.
Is he good to you in other ways? Does he make you happy? What does he bring into the relationship that has kept you with him for 2 years.
I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. In my family, birthdays and holidays were big deals. My parents spoiled my sister and I and we grew used to making holidays a big deal. I'm obviously no longer a child but my husband has always been very kind and caring about special days and he has never let me down. He knows that my birthday is a big deal to me even though I pretend like its not. My ex husband was horrible and never remembered birthdays anniversaries, christmas nothing...While I went all out for him. It wasn't what ended our marriage (alcohol did that) but it hurt me deeply that he couldn't even get me a card. I understand you.
Don't do ANYTHING for his birthday if you can handle being so cold..and see how he acts. If it were me..unless the man really was a very kind and caring man and ticked off every other box..I'd probably dump him. It doesn't take that much time or effort to at least get someone a card!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): My husband is a good guy. Honest, hardworking and loving.
Gifts were never his forte because growing up he either never got any gifts or any gifts he liked.
When I was turning 40 he knew he was supposed to give me something special so he got me a men's watch. I prefer men's watches but I don't like metal watches so he got one of two right ;)
This holiday season I got zero gifts from him. He was too tired to make me or buy me something. I admit I would have loved a present from him, but I know that in his case it really isn't about not loving or caring about me enough. Needless to say I always have a present for him because I love giving.
So, you should be clear on who he is as a person and what your relationship is like.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): Maybe he has exes because in a relationship he takes women for granted.You really do not know if they cheated on him all you know is what he told you.He will never marry you he has told you this.Think about it this is what you want forever.Separate holidays...no gifts...aruguments.I do not know about you but I would want more.The trip was nice but I think you only got that because he was in the doghouse.What do you love about him?Is your love strong enough that you can really be happy like this?Only you can answer that...It is what it is and it is not gonna change.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 January 2020):
 Add on,
I also forgot to mention, when you TELL someone, Oh it's OK to not buy me a Christmas present I understand you couldn't afford one, or whatever platitude you gave, HE will TAKE that and run with it.
I would suggest if you STAY in a relationship with this guy that you two set a $$ amount limit for "special event and holiday gifts". that way it won't feel all one sided.
If he can't even do that (if the amount is reasonable, you might have to consider that he doesn't really put much effort into things such as gifts. Whether YOU do or not. And then YOU have to decide what is IMPORTANT in your life and relationship and what is acceptable.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): I think your boyfriend is inconsiderate, rude and doesn't seem to think very much of you.
If you are at the point of feeling resentful about buying him a birthday present then you have to think about what that means. Let's say you don't get him a gift. Ok well either he will be hurt or he won't care. Neither result will improve your relationship. You have two options here that make sense. 1. Talk to him about how you feel. Tell him you felt like he didn't care about you when he didn't get you a gift. 2. dump him because this is a pattern of not caring about you and you don't need to be with someone who doesn't care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2020): I bet he could afford a nice card. And maybe a house plant....or SOMETHING. Not expensive, but to show, 'I care.' I don't have much money, but I CARE. He didn't bother AT ALL. I would feel incredibly dismissed if that happened to me. We all know it's not about the cost of the present, but the fact that one has made an effort. And he didn't. I would buy him a gift for his birthday, but nothing grand. I would give him the benefit of the doubt for now and see how he behaves in future. Sometimes things that matter to us, don't matter to other people and they don't see what the fuss is about. So, if he does something like this again, maybe explain how it makes you feel. Sounds like you've had quite a few ups and downs in a fairly short period. Examine what they were about, is life all about him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 January 2020):
Don't be petty like him.
I get that you feel like SCREW it, but then maybe instead of JUST thinking about a gift, think about the relationship. Maybe you need to say SCREW it to that as well?
While you ARE a GROWN MATURE woman who should know that getting or not getting a Christmas present is not an indication of HOW much a person care for you, I also understand that MOST people give their partner a present and/or card for Christmas and other "holidays"/special days. And that I DO understand your disappointment because you WEREN'T expecting a Gucci bag or a new car, but something thoughtful. And he figured if he just make "good enough" excuses you will accept getting nothing.
I think he is thoughtless.
I think YOU have too high expectation of HIM. (Generally I don't think expecting and giving of Christmas presents - UNLESS it's agreed that you don't do those is abnormal.) BUT giving a GIFT shouldn't come with the expectation that you are OWED one in return. You give because you WANT to do something for whomever. In there lies the notion of a GIFT.
As the meaning of the word is :
"a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present."
So IF you want to WILLINGLY give him a little something for his birthday, do it. Unless you decide to stop dating this guy with whom there isn't seemingly that much of a future or much commitment or thoughtfulness.
THIS is who he is.
And lastly, a weekend away is a VERY nice "anniversary present".
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