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My BF said he wouldn't meet a girl for coffee, but did it anyway!

Tagged as: Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2006) 4 Answers - (Newest, 17 August 2006)
A female Ireland, anonymous writes:

Hi, I posted a question about a week ago about my boyfriend meeting up for coffee with a girl that he promised me he would have no contact with? Anyone remember me?

Well, basically, he went and met up with her. Now I'm stuck and confused. I was just home from work when he told me that he was meeting up with her, and I was too tired to argue at the time. Basically, he said that when he promised me that he was never going to contact her again, that he was upset, and now he's changed his mind, and she's his friend, blah blah blah...

Now I'm completely miserable.. I feel like I'm worthless in his eyes, and I don't even deserve follow-through on promises.. What do I do? I mean, I've never been anything but honest with him, and all he does is take me for granted. I don't realy wanna break up with him, bit how do I show him how badly this is affecting me?

I can't show him any of the questions that I've posted, because he would go mad at me. What do I do?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006):

Just a small bit of advice from personal experience - be wary of ultimatums. Most of the time if you give one (to choose between you or her), you will either end up losing, or things will just turn into sneaking behind your back.

Good luck!

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A female reader, doublethink +, writes (31 July 2006):

doublethink agony auntI didn't see your original question, so I don't know why you object to this girl - but I'm sure you have good reason!

Obviously you wouldn't dream of telling your boyfriend who he can and can't be friends with - as long as that's all it is? And if you're in a committed relationship, surely his friends are also your friends?

Why not tell him that you could BOTH meet her for coffee? Or she could come to your place? Tha ball's in his court then - if he wants to meet her alone, I think you've cause for complaint. If he'd rather not see her than see her with you - problem solved. Might work...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

It sounds like this guy is not showing you the respect you deserve. He disrespects your feelings by doing something that he knows hurts you, and then adds insult to injury by trying to justify it with the "she's my friend" talk, making you look like the bad guy. It seems as though you're already down on yourself. You shouldn't have this guy making you feel worse. If you can't even tell him how you feel without him getting angry at you, you might just be too scared to break up with him. You need to talk with him and be honest about the way you are feeling. Give him an ultimatim if need be. It bothers me when I see and hear about people (men especially) showing this callous disregard for their partner's feelings. Be brave. Be prepared to walk out the door if things don't go your way. There are better men in the world. I apologize if my answer sounds a little bitter. I don't mean to. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with your situation and I hope everything works out for the better. Stay strong!


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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

I remember you! I don't know if this will help, but I can definitely relate. Practically the same thing happened to me with my fiance. He has a female friend who is his best friend. Ironically, he went out with her just tonight after a long time apart. So it's weird to see your question now.

What happened with me was he knew I was uncomfortable with him spending time with her alone because she was the touchy-feely-flirty type. He thought I was overreacting and that was just the way she was with everyone. One night (we both work overnights) I came over to his place after work (7am) and found her sleeping in bed next to him! Now I knew nothing happened, and it's not like they were even cuddled up together, but I was completed shocked. He had had the night off and been hanging out with her, and she just fell asleep. Ooops! I was really mad, and I let him know that. He promised it would never happen again.

Now when someone gives me their word, I treat it like gold. I would never give someone my word or promise to uphold anything I thought I couldn't follow through on. But many other people don't hold promises that high on the prioriy scale. It's "no big deal" if they keep them or not. It's not always a malicious thing, they are really just indifferent to them, or they plain forget they made them. I believe--and I'm not being naive--that some people really aren't aware that what they're doing is really hurting anyone. They just don't place any importance on it.

So anyway, about two months later I went on a weekend road trip with some girlfriends of mine. I was sobbing went I left him, because we had never been apart that long. I still called him several times and made sure I saw him before work Sunday night. He vaguely told me about his weekend. A couple of nights later we got into a huge fight. I thought he was breaking up with me. At 5am I talked to his friend. During the conversation she let it out that he had spent the Saturday night prior at her place drinking and had fallen asleep in her bed with her and another girl! Again, I was shocked. My fiance is not an inconsiderate man. Often times he just doesn't think. But what hurt the most was that he had broken a promise to me...and he wasn't even the one to tell me!

I tricked him into letting her in his apt. Then I busted open the door and started screaming at him. I literally was beating him with my purse I was so furious! I walked away, thinking it may be for good, and he begged me to stay with tears in his eyes, a very vulnerable time for him. He apologized of course, but he couldn't possibly understand where I was coming from. I forgave him, again.

But I'm a grudge carrier, and I also tend to believe in doing onto others as they do onto you. So when the opportunity presented itself, I took advantage. I was hanging out with a guy friend (who I unfortunatley had a fling with before my fiance so he had the stigma of kinda being an ex, and not a trustworthy one), and the night got late. I was off from work, but my fiance wasn't. I decided to spend the night in this guy's bed next to him, just sleeping of course. I felt completely justified in what I was doing.

I knew my fiance would call me on his break, and he did. He heard the guy snoring in the background and asked what was going on. I casually told him where I was, who I was with (he hated him), and what I was doing. He got very quiet and wanted to hang up. I knew he was hurt. I acted like, "...And what's the problem?" He knew why I was consciously doing something he claimed was unconscious for him. I didn't want to hurt him, and I would have never done anything like that otherwise, but I really wanted him to understand exactly how I felt: needing to trust your significant other but still feeling doubt, or at least uneasiness. I know it didn't make a difference to him, and all it did was anger him because two wrongs don't make a right, but I felt better knowing that things had evened out a little. And the next time something like that happened, he would remember how he felt and know that I would not let it go unequalized.

Now this friend was a very important friend to my fiance, so I knew she wasn't going anywhere. And he never made it seem like he intended to change that, even though I changed the way I "hung out" with my male friends after we become serious. She had become accustomed to their long time private friendship, and often she would pull him aside for lengthy private conversations. Often she wanted to meet up with him one on one. I never understood why she couldn't talk to him unless they were alone.

He managed to allow her to continue her inappropriate behavior until I couldn't stand being around her anymore, and she picked up on that. Seeing how it was now uncomfortable to hang out the three of us, they went back to arranging time together alone--what she wanted the whole time. I hated myself for allowing myself to get so upset that it justified them hanging out alone. Every time they got together I got quiet and moody. Then I hounded him with questions when he returned.

I finally said what they were doing was essentially dating: having dinner or drinks or going over to her house just the two of them. I asked him how he would like it if I stayed out all night with a male friend who was "just a friend;" if we went out to dinner or a movie or we stayed at his place. The response was the typical double standard, and he just didn't see it as being the same. They had a "histoy" together. I couldn't justify going out with some guy because he wasn't my long time bestest friend. I didn't care. I told him the next time he went on another "date," so would I.

For a long time it stopped. They saw each other in group settings, but not alone. They talked on the phone and e-mailed, which is where I told them the "private" stuff should be discussed. Like I said, they just got together tonight for the first time in a long time just the two of them, mostly because we're moving out of state soon. I still get uncomfortable when they get together alone, and I still don't like her. I still ask questions that he patiently answers, and he tells me what they did and discussed. Even though I don't like it, I've had to learn to trust my fiance and accept this friendship. If I want to keep him, I have to accept her. Even when we move, she will still be one of the few contacts he keeps.

I guess all I can tell you is that this girl your boyfriend is seeing obviously isn't going away. Maybe you could suggest that when they get together you are allowed to come with, if you could stand it. At least then you wouldn't wonder. There should be no reason why you can't or why they have to be alone together. That's what phones and e-mails are for. If push comes to shove, put him in your shoes. It's not enough to tell men how you feel, you have to show them. He doesn't see anything wrong with it because he not seeing it from your give him your perspective. If it isn't okay for you, it isn't okay for him. Eventually you have to make a decision. Either you trust him and you want to stay with him, or you don't...and you don't.

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