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Listen to friends/family or make my own decision regarding ex girlfriend

Tagged as: Family, Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 February 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2018)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am struggling and have fallen into a deep depression. I dated someone for over a year. We had our issues and we both struggled with depression and other issues off an on, her more so than me. Eventually we had a fight that boiled over and she ran into my elbow, giving her a bloody nose and the cops showed up after someone came upon us and thought I had hit her. A few months later, she threatened suicide twice on me. The first time, I called the police and she was bluffing. The second, she almost went through with it and I did not call the police thinking she was just manipulating me again, because she said she'd stop taking pills if I came to see her.

I cut contact after that, but she continued to reach out to me. First it was very mean things like telling me I wanted her to die and that I'm an awful person and then that she loves me and wants to talk.

I still miss her and want to be with her, but my friends and family have watched me struggle with her and are totally against me taking her back. Some have even said they will no longer see me if she's around should I restart the relationship.

Last night, I told her I could never get over what happened and we had no future, and then I had a meltdown and cried all night. I haven't eaten in 3 days and have no appetite. I just wanted to make things right with her. I've always struggled standing up for myself, and I feel weak that I have let others influence me again.

Any advice? Part of me sees this as a good thing I'm done with her because she can be so vicious and mean towards me, but the other side feels at fault that I could have handled it differently. She says she's seeing a new guy now, but tells me she feels no connection to him and doesn't feel right with him, and then when she's angry she tells me he's so much better than I am.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2018):

I figured one or both of you had problems more serious than just depression. Your poor ex-girlfriend is very sick; and the episodes you've experienced with her could have cost you your job or you might end-up with a jail record. That's far too high a price to pay to be with someone who obviously needs help.

I could tell someone was off their medication; or all this outrageous behavior is not what happens in regular relationships.

Continued time with her would have made you ill. You'll get over the loneliness. Go rebuild the relationships you have with your friends that got damaged because of her. You need a support-system. You also need to have a a few therapy sessions to make sure you don't have a relapse into depression; while in your detachment-process from your breakup.

Breakups cause a lot of emotional-distress; and you have to be sure to maintain a healthy state of mind. This is necessary to sustain a decent standard of living and maintain employment to financially support yourself. You have to function and live-on, give yourself time to heal and recover.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe first 6-12 months of a relationship are usually called the honeymoon phase for a reason (which I'm sure you have heard) so it's NOT so strange that you two worked out well in those 6 months.

While her having a personality disorder doesn't perhaps explain SOME of her behavior, it doesn't EXCUSE it. It doesn't make it all your fault.

If she has been diagnosed and treated by a doctor with meds and perhaps therapy, SHE CAN NOT self-diagnose that she is no longer in need of meds.

Which is probably the biggest part of the problem. She probably need to be on meds for the rest of her life. Something she might not want to.

Feeling happy and content with someone DOESN'T "cure" her mental condition.

And she IS probably dating someone to try and recreate those "happy times" again. Which unfortunately WILL most likely NOT last for her.

I't good that you care about her. It's good that dating her wasn't a TOTALLY horrible experience, because she surely had some nice traits, unfortunately her mental issues and NOT taking her meds (as she should) means you just don't know WHAT you get in the day to day with someone with her condition and issues. And you are right that there will come a day where you DO need to let her go. Wish her well (in your head) and let her go.

It's also good that you aren't look back and ONLY choosing to see the good with her, because THAT is not what make you break up - it was the "rest".

I'd say NEXT time (when you are in a better head-space) you consider dating someone go for someone less complicated. The yo-yo of high highs and low lows on the emotions and drama, it's NOT a sign of deep love or passion, but instability.

I'm sorry for the loss of your close family member and I think it's VERY good that you are trying to deal with it through therapy. But I will reiterate DO ADD exercise to your life as well. That way you work on BODY & MIND.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I do not normally suffer from depression. I fell into a spell during the loss my a close family member, but otherwise I have never been diagnosed, but I have seen therapists and the like in the past. I have never been on medication before.

She told me she was diagnosed with borderline disorder after we split up in November and said that explains her behavior. She also has been in and out of medication for years, and told me she stopped taking it when she met me because she felt so happy and didn't need it. Of course, things changed after that. She had struggled with other issues in the past that she said went away when we met.

I guess I just miss her presence, miss being able to do day to day things with her and her company. In short, I am lonely now. I don't miss the fights that seemed to happen weekly over small things that shouldn't cause fights. I don't miss being nervous that she'd make up an issue and go to the cops to claim I hit her. I don't miss her being convinced I was cheating when I never did, nor do I miss her ultimatums she gave me or the drama she caused amongst my friends during the time we were together.

Ultimately, I am doing what most do and looking back on the first 6 months, which were the happiest I had ever been with someone. I keep thinking if she gets herself in order, we could be that way again. But I understand that's likely not possible and I need to let go. It also bothers me she's trying to see someone else, which means she's not really focusing on her own mental health. 3 months alone isn't enough to make real changes. I guess that's not my concern anymore. I was the one that left her after all.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntKeep up with the therapy, OP

Baby steps! And DO block her. It's not hard to feel things could have been different if only X Y or Z had been said or done - but reality is.. you CAN NOT change the past.

SHE made some bad choices, YOU made some bad choices.

YOU can LEARN from that so that you do NOT repeat those with someone else, but for now... FOCUS on you. BE the BEST you, you can be.

It's understandable that you are ruminating over what went wrong, THAT is partly how we learn. You just CAN NOT go over it and over it and over it because that only brings you misery - accept your culpability and take responsibility for your own actions, learn from it and move on.

She isn't a BAD person. You aren't a BAD person. You two were just BAD for each other. You can CARE for someone who is SOOOO not good for you. Most of us have been there done that.

But for YOU to heal and move on, you NEED to let go of the past AND her. So block and keep working on yourself through therapy. And might I add? Start some exercise regiment too. Working out can help the body and you work on helping the brain.

Chin up, and know your family LOVES you. They are only looking out for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018):

You two together make a toxic and mentally-unsound mixture.

You get along like highly caustic elements in a volatile chemical-reaction.

Neither of you should be in a relationship; because you use your relationship to compete in a "who's the most messed-up" contest.

You're both serious drama-queens and really need to be separated. You and your girlfriend may require some very intense psycho-therapy. I think even a layman like myself can tell; there's more going on here than "depression." I strongly speculate that you guys have some other mental-health issues you didn't mention in your post!

It seems you both go on and off your medications and wing-it. During these periods when you're probably not seeing your perspective therapists; you're having these battles and theatrical-outbursts that make no sense and seem somewhat deranged. Pretending to commit suicide, and accidentally giving bloody-noses. Then going back and forth with angry exchanges by phone call or text messages. You shouldn't be in the same room!

Then you top it all off by saying you miss her and want to be with her. What for??? Bouts of violence and arguments?

Read your own post and give me five good reasons afterwards.

The codependency is getting somewhat out of hand and neither of you are healthy for each other. The stress and complexities of maintaining a romantic-relationship seems to be more than either of you are able to handle.

You're both dangerous to each other. You should be issued retraining-orders to keep you safely apart!

You might want to seek a new therapist, and be re-evaluated to be sure you receive updated and targeted-therapies. You should research for a therapist who specializes in depression; and whatever associated mental-health disorders you have been clinically-diagnosed to suffer, and any other problems not yet discovered. Your treatment doesn't sound very effective if you had to go by your post.

Stay away from her. One or both of you are going to wind-up in jail; or seriously hurting each other.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2018):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Right, my brain says I need to stay as far away as possible. Right now, I am sad and keep thinking about my faults and dismissing hers as a product of mine, which I know is not fair, because I did not force her to do what she did. My faults could have been remedied but we were toxic and unhealthy. She lacked patience and understanding and demanded my time and attention constantly.

I did not respond to her for almost 4 months despite her constant contact. When she finally told me she was seeing someone new, I responded to tell her to stop contacting me and I was glad she moved on, to which she told me she had not and was only with this person because I cut her off, but she didn't feel anything for him and didn't even care to see him.

I am in therapy now and will continue to work through this. Once I get into a better place, I will be ready to date again I am sure. I wish she'd get help, but she only seems interested in finding a new person to date.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (28 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntMy advice?

Seek help for your depression and your emotional instability ( sorry, I don't mean to be rude here but you don't sound like you are in your "right" mind at the moment).

FOCUS on YOU for now. Not her. She also ought to get help (you can not fix her and she CAN NOT fix you) Together you two are toxic and unhealthy.

Stop talking to her. She needs to focus on the guy she is with. Not living in the "past" with you.

She doesn't seem to take ANY responsibility for her actions in the past and you feel you should take responsibility for HER behavior. All you CAN take responsibility for and learn from is your ACTIONS, YOUR words.

You family knows you, they know her. They know you two did NOT bring the best out in each other. Being in a healthy LOVING relationship means that YOU add to her life and SHE adds to yours. ADDS in a positive way - NOT in a detrimental way.

Your family is telling you the TRUTH, you just don't want to hear it right now.

Your family LOVES you and want you to be happy and healthy and SAFE. That, you can not BE with her.

You think you can FIX the past, but you can't.

You think you can fix her, but you can't.

REALITY is that you two were NOT good for each other.

REALITY is that you BOTH need help with your mental health.

WISH her well, block her and FOCUS on getting healthy, physically and mentally. When you get to be in a better head space THEN you can consider dating again - but don't date her. It didn't work out for many reasons, it won't work out if you try again. It will be a repeat of the same stuff over and over and over.

Sorry, I know that not what you wanted to hear. However, it is what makes the most LOGICAL sense, to me. (and your family)

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