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I'm staying friends with her as I'm hoping to spark her feelings for me back up!!!

Tagged as: Friends, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 October 2006) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 November 2006)
A male United Kingdom, *ackalGaz writes:

I am 21 and have recently mutually split from a long term relationship (4 yrs) where everything appeared to be lasting for life with ambitions of marriage and kids as we both loved each other immenseley. She fell out of love with me over a long period but didnt talk to me about it whilst we were still together and ended it now i feel like a fool as i have to cope with falling out of love with her whilst she can carry on with life after using me as a scapegoat for the months she hadn't loved me leading me under false pretences. We have said we want to remain friends to hold on to the chance of time sparking up her love again for me but i am sensing vibes that she has already started on her next man hunt. I have to move on in life i know and ill take each day as it comes instead of thinking too far ahead about marriage and kids.

How can i surpress these feelings that she will only continue to hurt me even through friendship as we cannot simply break away into different directions as we both have the same friends we socialize with and Id want the chance to put this right?

View related questions: ambition, move on, period, spark

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A male reader, JackalGaz United Kingdom +, writes (3 November 2006):

JackalGaz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

JackalGaz agony auntWell after 2 weeks she has found someone else a friend of mine and its going steady but will no doubt turn sexual. I realise now not to lust over her as if shes shown me this much respect after a 4yr 7 month long relationship then my friend is welcome to her. Many thanks for the advice all and the advice i am going to take is to just move on in life, maintain my dignity and see what time brings. I still think about her quite alot in the day but i no longer feel hurt or lust over what im missing as it turns to resentment and hatred for how she has treated me.

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A male reader, Lostandalone United States +, writes (26 October 2006):

Lostandalone agony auntI agree with Toria. I did the same thing. Held on to hope and "possibly" her and I could rekindle a relationship. She had already begun to date other men and getting to know them on a personal level. Yeah, she told me she loved me, she would cuddle me and do everything we did before only no committment. Everyday it took a little more and a little more from me. I was a back-up plan for her in case things didn't go well. It came to a head when I went to her place and found another guy there when only 4 days prior she was cuddling with me. Don't be taken in. Let her go and move on. Like Toria said, if she wants you back she will come running to you and who knows maybe you can be together if YOU so choose. You might have moved on from her yourself. Be strong and don't be a fool, learn from my mistake. Good Luck.

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A female reader, Lemonpixie United States +, writes (26 October 2006):

Lemonpixie agony auntSo here's the deal, women when they want to break up prepare themselves for it. It may take weeks or months, mainly because we are insanely rash creatures and we often regret split second decisions. On that note, i don't think her intentions for dragging you along for the past few months of the relationship was to hurt you, it was more of a preparation she had to do for herself, she obviously still cares however it just didnt work out. If i have any sound advice to give about this situation... never remain friends with an ex! 4 years is a long time, and that means you need time to get over her. Its difficult to cut ties with someone you talked to and saw daily for 4 years, but you have to do it. Maye in a few years you guys can hang out and go for a drink, but usually that doesn't even work, you end up fighting or well you know the other f word.

If you want a chance with getting her back although i recommend moving on, hanging out with her wont make her realize how much she misses you. It may or may not work but it's the best chance you've got.

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A female reader, mwest United States +, writes (26 October 2006):

I have to somewhat disagree with Toria. Yes, I agree its hard to stay friends with an ex but at the sametime, if you want to get back with her one day, you have a better chance of getting her back if you stay friends with her then not. I'm going through this right now with my ex. We've been broken up for three months now but we're still very much in love with each other. We broke up because he's battling depression right now. I wouldn't turn my back on someone that needs my support more than ever. I know your situration is different than mine, but, I believe if you want something so bad, you fight for it. But however, if that person just doesn't feel the sameway anymore, then let them go. Maybe she just needs some time and space to figure what she wants out of her life and if she whats you for the long haul. Be patient and find out if she still wants to be friends with you and if not, then I would have to say, move on. You deserve the best. Take care and I'm here if you need me.

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A female reader, Toria +, writes (26 October 2006):

Toria agony auntI did this..stayed friends with an ex that I still loved and everyday it hurt like mad he kept telling me he still loved me but things were getting in the way of us being together or so I was lead to believe but the truth of it was he was keeping hold of me as he was talking to other women and getting to know them on a personal basis so that he didn't lose me completely I suppose I was his backup if nothing came out of any of the other women he was getting to know.

I broke free of it all and I must admit after I got over the heartbreak of it all I felt so much better completely losing him than trying to be his best mate holding out for a future together.

You need to move on and get on with your life and let the past go, I know you share friends but you can still do this just distance yourself from your ex more and only socialize together when you have to don't try to fight for something that may not be right, if she wants you she will come running.

Good luck :o)

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