A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 3 years is a nice guy, he makes me laugh, he’s good company, he cooks me dinner, we share interests. Intimacy is great.He got divorced 6 years ago. I have never been married.The problem is he has so many problems and we cannot get married until they are sorted. There are financial worries, the ex fights with him all the time, he struggles to see his kids, she gets court orders at the drop of a hat and he can’t afford a good lawyer to help him. We have been talking about getting married for a year now but nothing has come of it and it doesn’t seem as if we can plan anything – no money, court dates, legal fees, the list goes on. I have started saving but he has done nothing so far – not officially proposed or bought a ring (yes – no money).As we don’t live in the same town I will have to move, not him, and he cannot afford to support me so I’ve got to pay my own way.How long should I wait or is this just the way it is when you marry a divorced guy and you’ve got to have a second best wedding and a second best life?I’d rather not.I’m incredibly frustrated and disappointed with him, which I suppose is not entirely fair because it’s not really all his fault, but if I bring up the subject he tells me I should just leave if I’m not happy. Why can’t he rather try and work something out and find solutions and ways for us to stay together and have a good life and marriage instead of just telling me to leave him? I wish he would show some inclination to fight for me instead of giving up on us and our future. It makes me feel as if I don’t mean a whole lot to him.If anyone can give any positive feedback it would help. I’ve already been told the ”you should have known what you get into with a divorced guy” story and also the “if it’s so bad leave” by the pessimists, I would really like to hear from the optimists and those who have been there, done that and got it right.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 When you marry you marry not just your partner but his family. And as a bonus you get his past.
Why do think people find it harder to date and marry at a later age? Because the piled up baggage can be become an insurmountable hurdle.
And part of it is that a lot of us don't deal with our baggage at all. And then expect our partner to just accept it. He has been divorced for 6 years and with you for 3 years. So... what has he achieved in those 3 years?
Has this divorced couple moved on or are they still dragging out the fight stage of their marriage? Divorces are rarely nice but still fighting it out after 6 years? That seems rather destructive. Has either of them really moved on since then? And no, getting a fuck buddy (you) is NOT a sign of moving on. Getting things sorted out is a sign of moving on.
You will remain a second wife as long as he doesn't end the first marriage. Divorce is just a piece of paper. He and she must come to accept the marriage is over and reach a new understanding. That it has taken this long might mean they just can't do it. It will take both of them accepting that they both need to move on to the next stage while also keeping in contact because of the children. That is hard and often fails.
Ask yourself honestly why they haven't been able to move on. When two people fight, there often are two people wrong.
Either accept that the fight will always continue, or end it or move on yourself.
But considering you want a pat on the shoulder rather then honest advice... I think I know what you will do.
A
female
reader, OneUnhappyLady  +, writes (22 October 2011):
 "I’m incredibly frustrated and disappointed with him, which I suppose is not entirely fair because it’s not really all his fault, but if I bring up the subject he tells me I should just leave if I’m not happy. Why can’t he rather try and work something out and find solutions and ways for us to stay together and have a good life and marriage instead of just telling me to leave him? I wish he would show some inclination to fight for me instead of giving up on us and our future. It makes me feel as if I don’t mean a whole lot to him."Ask yourself this, are you really in love with him, or are you looking to get settled with someone who seems domesticated?You will always be frustrated with him and disappointed, especially if you think "he's a nice guy", with so many problems. His problems will never go away. They will become your problems, only you have no say in how they are handled. He will never let you solve his problems. He sees them as his own personal demons( and you do not need to worry about them)ha!Bitter exes get even more bitter when the new woman pokes her head around the corner.How old are the kids? Just wondering, though it does not really matter. The kids will grow up, but they will never leave his life, therefore the ex will ALWAYS be around, though things will mellow with time.Communication is not the issue, he has told you what your only action to take is- Deal with it, or Leave.He is not lying to you. If you leave, he will only try to get you back half heartedly.He doesn't believe he deserves you.SO-If you love him, you will have to accept those truths. If you are passionately, and completely in love with him, you have already accepted those truths.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (21 October 2011):
I think the issue here is this particular guy's financial situation. Whenever there is financial hardship, regardless of the cause, it strains a relationship. Sometimes it can bring a couple closer in the long run, but that's assuming the relationship lasts through the roughest part.I've also been through a divorce, and should I get married again my new bride will in no way be second best. My financial situation is the opposite, I make more money now than when I married. I was quite young then. Also, the lifestyle that I can offer a partner now is vastly superior to the one I could offer back then.So what I'm saying is that it is a situational thing. You will have to decide if the financial hardship is something you can accept. If it is too much then your only option is to move on, unfortunately.Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): Well first of all its no big issue that you will have to work and support yourelf when living with him, majority of homes are 2 income families nowadays. Unless you are hoping to start a family with him as soon as you get there?
Its really down to him to 'get his ducks in line' ready for the next stage in his life - you and him. SO sit down and talk, set bounderies, get to know his children.
I dont know how his Ex of 6years manages to get court orders at the drop of a hat either. Your partner may get legal-aid or he could get in touch with an organisation - think its Justice for Fathers, see if they can help
Poor kids, 6years on and they are still stuck in the middle - it needs to be settled his Ex doesn't have all the rights and power.
If you love each other then it can work especially if your there to support and encourage the moves towards settling these problems.
Your NOT 2nd best, just new!
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Hi,
I think "so...very...confused" gave you the best answer, and advice..
I just want to add that, many people re-marry, have happy, and successful marriage second time around.
Of course, all the problems you mentioned, specially if the ex is giving him a hard time. I don't think he's giving up on you when he tells you to leave, but I think he's stress, sad about the kids, money, depress, overwhelmed, and probably feels guilty about the situation, not being able to make you happy, and give you everything you want. He's a man, and man like to feel in control, that gives them power, confidence, thats what makes them feel like a man. I am sure he loves you, wants to marry you, but hes just uncertain..if he can do all...
Don't hate her, she's just bitter... Not happy, that's why she's being difficult. Remember, for all the problems you guys have, there's always a solution, it just depends on how you see it, and how you handle.
If you truly love him, if you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man, you need to help him, work things together, make plans, and don't expect him to do by himself. I guess he just need a push, help, motivation, to get things started. Imagine, how he must be feeling? He's your boyfriend, but most of all his your friend, I think he needs a friend right, not a girlfriend waiting for things to happen. Of course, you deserve to be spoil by him, you deserve a huge wedding, everything life can offer you, you deserve to have all your dreams come true, but I guess, in this case, you need to help your partner...
Also, take interest in the kids, because they will be your step kids, and try to be civil with his ex. Rather, she's a good person or not, they will be part of your life, and will be best for you if you just get along. Sit with your boyfriend, tell him you love him, and that you are willing to do this together. Set a date, so thats going to be a goal, and something to work on, and motivation. Then, the rest, try to get organize, and one thing at a time, I am sure you both can overcome....
Bottom line, yes you are right to expect him to be strong, show actions that he's taking your relationship seriously, but sometimes, guys need help too...
Best wishes/good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 October 2011):
 My hubs had been divorces for 6 years when we met. And honestly there are days, I wish I hadn't been so naive as far as the bagage scales.. He had SO much of it, I barely had any. An ex-wife and a couple of kids doesn't always mean load of drama (though we have had drama in buckets due to the ex-wife) or a "second best life". Personally, I think we both have a much better life together then we would have had without each other. Life truly is what you make it.
As for the wedding. Well, we did have a tiny wedding and a year later a huge party. I never had the dream of an expensive wedding, so that was on no way shape or form second rate either.
I think if you believe he is "the one" for you, you will make it work. But.. You DO have to consider the future and figure out if THIS (him and his bagage) is something you WANT to live with and deal with EVERY day. Things/Issues are NOT going to go away because you have a ring on your finger.
I would sit him down and talk about your/his expectations, hopes and dreams and maybe between the two of you, you can find a happy place. One major thing though, I DO think his finacial situation needs to be in order before you two take the next step.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011): I agree that you need to work on this and have him dispense with all the issues that he has to as soon as possible. Once this is done, you can have a great life together and agreat marriage. So, that you can be 100% devoted to each other, he has to get all of this out of the way. As the song goes, "It's always better, the second time around!" Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 October 2011):
 Nope you do not have to have a second best life or wedding when you married a divorced person. HOWEVER, you do have an ex wife and kids that will be part of your life. it's a given.. even after 18 they will still be there...
You said: "We have been talking about getting married for a year now but nothing has come of it and it doesn’t seem as if we can plan anything – no money, court dates, legal fees, the list goes on. I have started saving but he has done nothing so far – not officially proposed or bought a ring (yes – no money)."
no ring is needed for a proposal. Seriously, if you know you want to marry set a date and make a goal for it. IF he is legally free to marry... has their divorce been finalized? If it has and he "talks about it" but makes no plans to move forward with the marriage, perhaps he's not as "wedded" (pun intended) to the idea as you are....
YOU said: "As we don’t live in the same town I will have to move, not him, and he cannot afford to support me so I’ve got to pay my own way."
will you have a job when you move?
will you live in your own place or with him?
how are finances being handled?
why are you the one to move?
these are all things that need to be planned BEFORE you move. my bf is moving down to be with me. we talked about why this is the case as he loves where he lives and is settled there... and it's because my job is the more secure better job... my kids are grown and don't really need mommy living too close to them anymore but if they were little i would not be moving away from them.
YOU asked: "How long should I wait or is this just the way it is when you marry a divorced guy and you’ve got to have a second best wedding and a second best life?"
you wait if you want but no this is NOT the way it is with every divorced person. I'm getting divorced right now and my bf has never been married. WE are doing our wedding (no ring yet no money for it but we did buy a Jeep that I refer to as my engagement ring) the way HE wants it. Totally have given him FREE REIGN to have his wedding the way he wants (thankfully he wants to go to Las Vegas because I don't think I would really want the whole whoo-haw with a big wedding I've had two of those)
You said: "I’m incredibly frustrated and disappointed with him, which I suppose is not entirely fair because it’s not really all his fault, but if I bring up the subject he tells me I should just leave if I’m not happy."
He's right if you are not happy you should leave... and while his ex being an evil woman is not his fault... there are ways to cope... other than lawyer bills what are his expenses? does he make a good living? is he a poor money manager...
Basically it boils down to this...
IF he loves you and is that into you and WANTS to be with you he will move heaven and earth to do so and make you happy... it's that simple. People in love do what they need to do to be with the person they love. They do stupid stuff like get married AGAIN even if they swore they never would (raises hand and looks sheepish)... they MOVE.. they give up family,(NOT CHILDREN) they give up friends...they GIVE of themselves, their time, their money... etc..
do you spend time with his kids? (because if he keeps you separate from his kids that is a HGUE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG)
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