A
male
age
41-50,
*cotchboy
writes:My wife keeps asking me what I want for Christmas, but I'm a bit nervous about asking for what I really want - sex. I want to have sex more often - I think she does too. The issue is last Christmas - after copious research - I bought her lingerie (right size and everything - stuff I thought she'd like). Big mistake - she cried. We probably have sex once every couple of months. How do I ask her for what I'd like for Christmas - for her to wear something sexy and maybe even try going down on me or giving me a tit wank, neither of which we've ever done? Or should I just accept this won't happen and try and banish my fantasies?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 December 2014):
 She says that she WANTS more sex with you?? That's a good sign. So what stops her or you? And that's good that you go down on her too. So it makes me wonder about medical reasons.
Does she take medication for depression or anxiety or pain?? Anti-depressants are notorious for sapping the sex drive as well as blood pressure medication and narcotic pain medicine. Pain itself of course can sap out the sex drive as well.
If she cried because of the lingerie, it's possible she has body issues, in which case I know you think she's beautiful, but to someone with a negative self-view, it takes a bit of therapy to change their self-image. If she's feeling out of shape, you and she spending time together walking, working out, bicycling, playing team sports or going out dancing on a regular basis will get those natural endorphins pumping and give a libido boost.
No, you're not a sex maniac for wanting it more than once every two months. Since I got married, the only two times I went with that little sex was right after childbirth and right after major surgery. Both times both of us were climbing the walls!
If she's telling the truth about wanting more, than she may in fact be a willing participant in trying to solve the issue. You are doing a good thing affirming her beauty, but hormone therapy may be what she needs more.
A
male
reader, Scotchboy +, writes (1 December 2014):
Scotchboy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for all your replies. Ok, a couple of you are jumping to conclusions here based on assumptions you've made that aren't in my question.
Firstly, yes, I completely appreciate the idea that lingerie for her is a present to me. But, that was an aside and not really the focus of my question. I'd just like to stress that I bought her a lot of gifts besides the lingerie - so I didn't just say "Merry Christmas, I've spent ten quid on you at Anne Summers." I spent a lot of time reading advice blogs on line about choosing colours and materials she will like, choosing the right size, I bought expensive stuff - not rubbish - and all with an aim of showing her that (i) I think she's sexy, and (ii) i love her and want to show her more often.
Secondly, as I mentioned, she wants to have more sex too. We have been married a few years so of course talk about most things. She has at times mentioned that she'd like to have sex more, but I've felt a bit like I'm being blamed (again, why I thought the lingerie might be a good idea). I am not as selfish a lover as my original post perhaps suggests. I love the idea of turning her on, I've offered to wear or do anything she wants, and when we make love I always go down on her and make love in her favourite positions.
I'm grateful to hear from you that I'm not some kind of sex-addict for wanting to have sex more than once a month :-)
Again thanks for taking the time to reply, I wasn't sure anyone would.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 November 2014):
I think we need a bit more information before we start suggesting your wife needs medication!
Do you try to initiate sex or are you too nervous about that too? If so, why are you nervous? Has she rejected you a lot or are you scared she'll cry again? You say you think she wants more sex too - what makes you think that? Why can't you talk openly with your wife about sex?
It may just be the way you've written the post, but it sounds to me like open communication could fix this problem. That and being a bit more careful with your gifts the next time. I'd be upset if my Christmas present was lingerie too, as it's most definitely for you rather than her and probably didn't make her feel very special.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): You should book a schedule with a sex therapist for both of you to examine if she has any neurological or other kinds of ailments that border asexual. Having sex every couple of months, probably at her decision, is a huge problem and the problem is with her. The issues about what you want for Christmas and/or her crying over lingerie and what that means is irrelevant. At issue is that frequency of sex in your marriage is abnormally low and she needs to know that some form of therapy is required up through including medication.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): How long have you been married? once a couple of months is very little. in your age bracket it should be once every two days,at least.Also you are husband and wife, there should be nothing taboo sexually between you as long as it doesn't cause pain or harm to either of you.Have you tried to go down on her? because if you do,she will automatically return the favor.Well,atleast my wife did when I went down on her very early in our marriage.I agree with the others, you two should discuss this openly and you should accept her complaints as you would want her to accept yours.Please let us know how it goes. good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 November 2014):
Before I get into the meat of my advice, I have to give a HUGE "AMEN" to Honeypie's opinion on the type of gift you gave. You didn't give HER a gift. You were trying to give yourself one. She probably saw the emotional string you attached to it and it didn't sit well.
Now - to my advice:
Sex once every couple of months, and last year, she cried when you gave her lingerie? I think there are some serious issues here that aren't getting addressed.
You are both married. Sex shouldn't be used as reward, or a manipulation tool, or barter for sexual favors, or withheld to punish someone. Once sexual politics of that nature enter into a marriage, the marriage is in really big trouble.
The question is - why doesn't she want to have sex with you?? You're in your 30's, and she's in her 30's. Unless someone's on serious medication or there's an undiagnosed condition dampening the sex drive, it's natural for two people to want to come together and enjoy each other physically!
I would be doing research into marriage counseling, because we're not talking about the occasional ups and downs of marriage where tiredness or stress or sickness offers a temporary lull in physical interaction. We're talking about a deep-seeded pattern that doesn't sound like it's getting any better and has been going on for at least a year. Going down on someone or a "tit wank"...heh...never heard of it that way, those aren't fringe sex acts, and she's never done either to you or even tried them?
And do you reciprocate by going down on her or giving her foot rubs or massages and do things that make her feel good exclusively? I personally like doing these things you describe with my husband very much, and I'm sure that's in no small part to the fact that he's as excited and devoted to doing sexual favors for me in reciprocation as well. Even last night, we went out on a dinner date after doing a little Christmas shopping, and on his own, he offered to carry the bags (took them out of my hands with a "I can carry these!") and still opens the car door for me. Now THAT is foreplay!
I think you need a deeper talk than what you're wanting for Christmas, because it's heart breaking when sex is reduced to a wish list instead of a free-flowing healthy part of a marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): Look, I'm going to be real here. You have a much bigger issue than just figuring out a Christmas gift.WHY do you have a nearly sexless marriage? My sex drive is much higher than my male partner's. And it can be SO frustrating. Because the person with the lower sex drive controls the sex in the relationship (if they are not compromising).It's interesting. It's like other aspects of a marriage (chores, child-rearing, financial decisions) are based on compromise, but not sex. She's not in the mood? TOO BAD, NO SEX FOR YOU. It sucks. I know, I've been there too many times. If this isn't what you want for the rest of your life, start talking to her about this now and see if you can see a sex therapist together. Not everyone may agree with me here, but wanting to have sex at least a few times a month is NOT unreasonable. Neither is wanting to try new things with your wife. You've sworn to be monogamous with this one person, forever. That's a big commitment and both of you should try to make sure the other is sexually satisfied. I'm not sure why she doesn't want sex more often, but hopefully by talking to her you can figure that out! Odds are, she wants you to show love in other ways, first...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 November 2014):
 I honestly think it's in piss poor judgement to ASK for sex or a fantasy fulfillment for Christmas. And sexy lingerie? No, not for Christmas (MAYBE) Valentine's, but it's tacky for Christmas if you ask me. Ask yourself (even if you are not a Christian) WHY do we celebrate Christmas?
She CRIED last year when you did the lingerie number because she was DISAPPOINTED in your line of thoughts. YOU didn't buy HER a gift, you bought YOURSELF a gift for HER to wear FOR you. It was for YOUR benefit. See why she cried?
Instead AFTER Christmas TALK to her about spicing up the sex life, but BE ready to hear HER inputs and not solely FOCUS on what YOU want in bed. SEX should be enjoyed by BOTH of you, not just YOU.
Maybe start out less PORNO like? with some sensual massages? Instead of "tit-wank" Which by the way does nothing for a woman, other then being the prop.
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