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I think my husband is cheating

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 July 2022) 4 Answers - (Newest, 21 July 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *uila writes:

Mod note: op has written several posts about this previously.

I rang my husbands boss awhile back to asked him if my husband was cheating on me with the office woman. My husband was away the night staying in a hotel with his boss and other work colleagues and he said he had his own room to himself. He said some others were Sharing a room which I thought was odd. The company make’s enough money so why would some of them be sharing and he wasn’t. I had been drinking and it was late in the evening when I rang his boss. I have done this in the past when my husband started at the company because he was staying away again and I didn’t trust him if he’s cheating. I told the boss I knew he had cheated on his wife so maybe he will keep it a secret if my husband is cheating on me. The boss didn’t answer his phone and I told my husband the next day what I done. His boss didn’t mention anything to my husband the next day he said, only that he seemed abit off with him. I know I shouldn’t of rang him but I was upset and angry if there’s something going on with the office woman and my husband.

Now recently my husband told me he would be home late tomorrow night due to a sales meeting the next day. I thought this was very short notice and I don’t know if he knew a week ago about this sales meeting.

He said he didn’t tell me because he wasn’t sure it would be going on because the office as no air conditioning as it’s a old building and with the weather being really warm it would be to hot inside but the boss said the weather would be cooler so it’s going ahead.

I don’t know if he didn’t tell me sooner because I would be thinking something is going on and accusing him.

I sometimes don’t trust my husband and I asked to look at the email from his boss and he told me the other work colleagues were having a meal and staying out the night. He said he didn’t want to stay out or have a meal with them. I’m wondering if it’s because he stayed out not so long ago and he was with this woman at the hotel and if he stays out again I would be really suspicious something is going on.

He says what evidence have I got and I told him he’s always on his phone and this woman spoke to my husband and I was sat beside him at the time and I heard her say, don’t forget to get me a gift. He said she didn’t say that and said to get your wife a gift. This was at Xmas time years ago. Sometimes I want to ring the office and speak to her to ask if something is going on. My husband as told me to do it when I’ve gone on about it and said he will probably lose his job.

Why hasn’t his boss said anything to him about me ringing him up in the early hours. My husband said maybe it’s because I rang him in the past and he’s just ignoring me because of me saying the same things.

Please advise

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022):

I remember your previous posts and in all honesty think you need professional help to come to terms with tour anxiety. Your actions are dangerous and I honestly cannot believe your husband has managed to stay employed given your actions.

Three things are going to happen if you continue to take this road:

- your husband will get fired.

- he will come to resent you and leave or,

- he will have an affair because you are driving him to it.

What exactly if your marriage like for your to put your husband through this torture? Do you think it is a happy one? It's border line abuse what you are doing because you are trying to control his every move. It's not healthy and you seriously need to get some help to sort your behaviour out. He is not the problem, your behaviour is.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2022):

First of all, stop , just stop calligrafia your husband's boss to vent about your jealousy and /or the state of your marriage.This is totally unacceptable and inappropriate regardless, i.e. wheather your husband is actually cheating or not. TThese calls are out of line and there is no justification for them. What kind of reason is "because I was upset and angry"?Does the whole world revolve around you and your feelings ? When you are upset, does this give you the right to make a pest of yourself ?..Then - my feeling, FWIW,is that you are being paranoid and your husband is not doing anything wrong, at least, as he says , you have no evidence whatsoever so far. "Remember to buy me a gift " - aw come on, it's a joke, it's friendly banter.Don't you ever joke, don't you ever banter ? Do you always take every word which is said so dramatically, in fact tragically? Then you have a bigger problem that the supposed indiscretions of your husband. Finally, though, if you can't bring yourself to trust your husband, you should end your marriage.Maybe your husband deserves your mistrust, maybe he does not, but if you have to live your whole life like this, among constant doubts and suspicions, it ' s pointless and painful to stay married.

Also, I think your husband is right when he says that his boss is ignoring you because you already made a nuisance of yourself in the past, and, most of all, that if you carry on like this, you are going to get him fired , and to find yourself with a maybe unfaithful ,but surely unemployed husband.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (20 July 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntFirstly, a question: what planet are you on where you consider it acceptable to phone your husband's boss late at night? For ANY reason? (Drinking is NOT an excuse.) I am not surprised he didn't answer the call. How do you think answering a call at that time of night to a hysterical drunk woman would have looked to his WIFE? Would you have expected your long-suffering husband to answer his phone at that time? Hopefully the boss's phone was switched off or on silent and you didn't disturb his sleep. Your feelings do not excuse behaviour like that.

Your jealousy is out of control. It is a monster you refuse to tame. You let your imagination run riot, you drink yourself into a state, then put your husband's job in jeopardy. Even if the lady in question did say what you accuse her of, that is no proof she is having an affair with your husband - or is even interested in him. We often joke at work about other people buying us gifts for Xmas or if they go somewhere. It is just harmless banter. I have done it myself numerous times but have never even come close to having an affair with any of my colleagues, because I have a partner and I would not risk my relationship in that way. Even though I get on with most of my colleagues and like them as work colleagues and enjoy a bit of a laugh with them, I don't fancy any of them. Having a laugh with someone does not mean you want to jump into bed with them.

The only sense I see in your post is from your husband. Your post is filled with "I wonder, I wonder, I wonder". No proof, just an idle mind in overdrive, dreaming up all sorts of scenarios which probably bear no resemblance to reality.

Perhaps you need to get yourself a job or a hobby which keeps you busy so you have less idle time for dreaming up these "I wonder" situations.

I feel sorry for your poor husband. Hopefully he will get sick of living his life like this and escape. He deserves better.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2022):

Do you really love your husband, and do you think he really loves you?

How does your husband treat you overall? It seems your suspicions have a grip on you; and you can't rest as long as your husband isn't home.

You said more than once you don't trust your husband; so that makes it hard to love him, and always being accused of cheating must make it hard for him to love you.

I won't offer my usual long response; because it's common sense that if you don't trust a person, you can't really love them. If he's cheating on you, and you know it, the only logical thing to do is to divorce him.

I think you're going to lose your mind, or become an alcoholic; if you don't get out of this marriage. You're contacting the man's boss, while you're intoxicated???

You're airing your dirty laundry in-front of his employer and co-workers? You're even contemplating contacting a woman at his workplace, to make accusations based solely on suspicion. Step back a minute, and consider how this all looks to his boss. How all this reflects on you. Yet, you won't file for a divorce when you seem to be losing your mind with suspicion of his cheating.

I don't know what kind of advice you would expect in your situation; but I think it's obvious. You don't trust him, you accuse him of cheating; but you won't divorce him. I guess you'll settle for the drama; until HE decides to divorce YOU!

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