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I need to know how he feels.

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Friends with Benefits, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 February 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 27 February 2018)
A female United States age 36-40, *adAsh6705 writes:

I have a long-time friend who I've had a crush on FOREVER, but most of the time we have known each other, I was in a relationship so nothing ever came of it. He has confirmed that he returned the feeling but I guess as I did decided to try to forget about it since I was taken.

Fast forward a year after I have been out of said relationship. The friend also just got out of a year long relationship about 6 months or more ago. We hang out, not super often, but still have the same group of friends. There have been a couple of times we ended up alone together and hooked up. We both treated it as casual, like no expectations. He told me he was not ready to get into a relationship again yet and needed time to get over his ex still. Yet, he always "checks in" with me to see how I'm doing when things are rough, gives advice, does really nice stuff for me like visited me at the hospital when I was sick, offer to give me things or do things for me all the time without me having to ask, like he knows and expects my needs, remember important things, told me he loves me and was worried about me when I was sick and called my family to make sure I was o.k. It's obvious he cares about me, but he seems afraid of actually getting into anything serious.

So now, I am basically stuck in a position where I feel like in some ways I've gotten closer to this man I've pined over for years and imagined how great we could be together, but he is emotionally unavailable. To be honest, I myself don't feel ready or enthused about relationships, but it's HIM! It's someone I could actually see myself having a successful life together with. We are both in our 30s now and starting to settle down from our partying days.

I am needing advice on how to go about this situation? For example, I don't want to wait around pathetically for him, but I also want to make it clear that I do have feelings for him and I do want to try dating without scaring him off since he clearly told me he does not want a relationship right now. I am afraid that I will not put myself out there enough to make my feelings known to him and possibly lose my chance.

Alternatively, I could be fine with continuing to be just friends and letting go of the idea if I knew that's how he feels. I don't know what to do.

View related questions: crush, his ex

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A female reader, BadAsh6705 United States +, writes (27 February 2018):

BadAsh6705 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

BadAsh6705 agony auntThank you. I guess part of the problem is since we have been friends so long, I expected to be able to trust him to be honest, but I think you are right that he is playing games and wasting my time. I just feel like I would rather cut it off completely and just be friends if that's what we are. I see that trying dating can ruin friendships that could have been perfectly great friendships, maybe that is what's happening here. I am also having a hard time meeting anyone new, so I think that is making me too focused on him instead.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2018):

Advice to people with long-time crushes for friends often goes in one ear and out the other. It's tough giving advice when the OP is infatuated.

My post is likely to get skimmed-over. The OP wants us to say "go for it!" Any advice to the contrary will be ignored.

The transition of a friend to a romantic-partner is more-often an experiment. "Let's try and see how it goes." Most of the time it doesn't work; because it's one-sided.

I don't go there with friends I've known over time. If I have a crush on somebody, they have to be open and available for romance upon the time we met. I don't befriend people with ulterior-motives.

I think it is best to make it abundantly clear to those who want to be friends that's all it is, and will always be. Although I have friends I've once dated at the beginning; we've never had sex, because there wasn't any chemistry for that. We simply found each other attractive, that's all. I will never cross that line and wouldn't have tried to be friends if they wanted more than that. I'd end it if I knew they did. I'm no player.

Why people these days play games before being completely honest defies logic and reason. I guess they see opportunity.

Sometimes people don't want to hurt your feelings, and they try to be as empathetic and supportive as they can. Telling you what you want to hear. They may even have sex with you; but they aren't in it for the long-term. It's only an experiment to see if their feelings will match yours. I think that's a risky game to play.

That isn't a good idea. It's leading people on; or it encourages infatuaton and feelings that won't be reciprocated. You can dearly love a friend, and tell them that. The question is, what kind of love is it?

When a man tells a single-woman he loves her; he had better be very specific about that. I think your friend has misled you to believe he was asking you to wait. I think he was politely letting you know you're dear to him; but it isn't likely he wants a romantic-relationship with you.

I think you have misconstrued his kindness and generosity as a prelude to a romantic-relationship.

I think it's convenient for him; but not what you want, or anything like you think.

He's wasting your precious time, and leading you on.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (26 February 2018):

mystiquek agony auntIts very possible that he likes having you as a friend and as a "go to" when he wants to hook up. You are always there. Maybe he's afraid if you get involved it will screw everything up (which that could happen). Or maybe you are sort of "miss right now" but he doesn't see you as long term material. Only he knows. Frankly speaking, he knows already how you feel. I wouldn't sit around and pine after him for too long. If he wanted/wants to be with you, he'll make a move. Maybe he just doesn't want to.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHe knows.

If you have already told him and his response was "I'm not ready" - then HE KNOWS.

It seems to me that you are of the opinion that you HAVE to find a partner now as you are in your 30's and because this guy is someone you have had a crush on and that he (in the past) liked you very much and has been kind to you - then you can settle for him.

I think you LIKE the idea of a guy who has liked you back a long time ago. He is like this fantasy guy. The thing is HE told you how he felt when you were STILL in a relationship. So he was ACTUALLY "safe" back then from committing to anything. Now that neither of you are dating he doesn't WANT a relationship.

Plus many people have this notion that someone who will do a "FWB/hooking up" are not "relationship material". Which is totally double standard, but there you go.

6 months is not a long time to get over a relationship and a partner, so yes.. IT can be that he just isn't ready for anything serious. HOWEVER, if he still carried a torch for you... I would presume he would have JUMPED at the chance to date you... but he hasn't.

I'd say STOP doing casual with him. No sex. If he doesn't want a relationship don't offer sex. THAT will NOT make him want to dive in.

Decide for yourself HOW long you want to give him (and yourself) to figure out if there IS a future here.

Quite often though, if a guy says " I don't want a relationship right now" what they really mean is "I don't want to date you."

Treat him as a friend. And IF you want to still pursue this guy, I'd say see if you can spend more time together (no sex) but honestly? I wouldn't expect this will go anywhere.

Sorry. I think you are wasting your time.

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