A
female
age
30-35,
*hoa
writes:Hi everyone, I am 22 years old girl. I am deeply in love with my boyfriend since 6 months ago. He's an international student, we both met in college roughly one year ago. It was a romantic how we first met, but we didn't start our relationship since then. We lost contact for 5 months and found each other on facebook. We started to date and after a week we are officially together. We are so deeply madly in love that we coudn't even spend a day without each other. Right now me and him are facing hard time, because I wasn't honest to him at the first place.I had sex with my pass 3 ex boyfriends. At first I told him I only had sex once with my 1st ex. And he's okay with it. Afterthat he had some weird dreams about me and my 3 ex boyfrens, I don't feel nice hiding anymore, i told him everything. It was a very long story in between, I cut it short. He promised me he will try to overcome things only if I totally disconnect with them, and i promised because I have no love for anyone else in this world except my boyfriend.This happened 2 to 3 months ago. Ever since he knew about everything, he's getting emotional. He doesn't trust me anymore. He called me names such as big fat liar, fucking slut, bitch, fucking dumb ass. He would ask me go back to them and fuck them, lick their dick. Everytime after yelling or shouting at me, i will have to calm him down and reassure him he's my only one forever, and then he ll start saying he loves me too. He's angry just because he loves me too much. I have lost count how many times we had argue on this matter.(mostly I ll remain quiet and he ll be the one scolding)One week ago he went back to his country for vacation. Its hard to contact him over there, due to his family problems. I will be waiting infront of pc for hours just to chat with him, some times he doesnt even come online at all. I cherish every single minute talking to him online. During this week, he seems fine and telling me he miss me alot too. No signs of he's unhappy with my past. Suddenly this morning, when he came online, I can sense somthing different from the way he talked. In the end he's telling me he cant get over anything about my past. He's questioning me why do I have to lie to him why do I make him fall in love with an illusion? Why did I make him sleep with me? I know how much I hurt him. I apologized thousands time for that and now everyday im reminding myself not to make him unhappy or sad. And actually im hurt too by the way how he's treating me :,(What should I do? Now he's so far away i cant do shit to make him happy. How to maintain our relationship? I really love him a lot!!! Please help us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Why do you feel bad?!? You withheld the information so as to not hurt him, you are now putting up with his childish paddies, and you are feeling bad for something you have already moved on from, already put in the past, and have learnt from. As much as you love him, he will only get worse. Tell him to grow up and shut up or tell him good luck finding someone with a squeaky clean past. Do NOT put up with this pathetic behaviour.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (2 December 2010):
His problem is not that you lied, its that you did it. (Trust me on this.)
He has retro jealousy, a concept not well understood by more than a few posters on this thread. You need to investigate just what that is, why he has it, and if you can deal with it. If you cannot, you need to move on.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Your new info doesn't change anything. So, you lied about it over 3 weeks. How long of a pennance do you have to pay?
At six months you're still in the infatuation stage. I know it feels like you'll die without him, but you won't.
But at this point you don't want our help, you want us to validate him and tell you that you deserve to be treated this way over minor lies. Everyone here has told you he is showing warning signs of very bad things to come. It's up to you to believe it if you want.
If the fact that you have a sexual past is causing such extreme trauma to him, then he needs to seek professional help. His condition is extremely unhealthy and unrealistic.
I hope you get out before he moves from verbal abuse to physical, but at this point I'm going to do what you should. LEAVE. Good luck. Don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear the answer.
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A
female
reader, phoa +, writes (2 December 2010):
phoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt tell him all three in one time. I told him one after another weekly. when he asked is there anything else u r hiding from me i answered 'no, cuz its a shame to admit my past, i feel disgrace about myself. But i cant bear the secret in my heart, i love him i want to tell him. in the end after he knew all the stuff, he became a bit crazy.
Please help. I dont think I can fall in love again after him. He's the only man I want. I ll die single without him.
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A
female
reader, phoa +, writes (2 December 2010):
phoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks people.
Slightly tell you guys more about him. This is his first love, he expect no lies in his relationship and he didnt lie even a bit to me. I know and i believe him.
Everything is so good between me and him. The only problem is he cant get over my past. He's in pain too, he cried, awake in nightmares. I dont think by leaving him will make things better for both of us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Hi Dear. Believe me, I know what you're going through. I just recently got out of almost the same situation. But instead of lying about sex partners, I just didn't tell him every little detail about one! Same story girl. Ugly, terrible names, screaming at your, dreams about the ex(s). He would leave in a rant, then turn around the next day and expect me to be happy. Get out! Fast! Seriously, if you love him, you have to let him come to grips with it on his own. If he truly respects you this wouldn't have to happen(all the ugliness.) I told myself to stick it out and it just got worse and worse. He started doing drugs, drinking heavy, and lusting for temporary partners. Get out before he hurts you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): He should break up with you, to him you are a lesser person due to your past. I suffered from retroactive jealousy and to me my partner became no more than a man slag. I left him. I deserved better and so does your partner.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 December 2010):
The only thing that I would say on this subject to him anymore is that your past made you into the woman he fell in love with. If he loves you like he claims, then he needs to realize this and stop punishing you for having a past. Everyone has a past. Everyone makes mistakes. Our mistakes can sometimes haunt us for the rest of our lives, but that's not for him to decide.
No more apologies. No more caving to his abuses. He is the only one who can really do anything to get past this. Perhaps therapy would help him, but I seriously think you should walk away. He is abusive, irrationally jealous, and making you feel like you need to apologize for having loved people before him. These things typically get worse, not better. The only way for them to get better is for him to really want to change and make efforts to change this for himself. This is likely more work than he's willing to put in.
Your best bet is to walk away, but if you want to continue being abused, I suppose that's your choice.
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A
female
reader, phoa +, writes (1 December 2010):
phoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi dirtball, thanks for the prompt reply.
The thing is, i cudnt leave him. I love him irrevocably. We tried to break up several times but aftertat we still run back to each other. I never love someone like this before.
Everytime he told me he's over everything, in the end something else will messed it up and things went back to square one.
Is there any idea that i can help him to overcome my past?
Thanks a lot.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Why should you feel sorry for how he feels. There is not much you can do about his jealousy. You are not giving reason for him to be jealous because this was in your past not your present. You lied yeah that wasn't good but you have paid him back by taking his attitude and verbal abuse. To be honest this is his problem not yours you did nothing wrong. Everyone has a past I'm sure he does to, and I'm sorry but retroactive jealousy is his problem and it is him who has to deal with it. Don't make it your problem because you can't control how he feels therefore not much you can do.
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A
female
reader, phoa +, writes (1 December 2010):
phoa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi dirtball, thanks for the prompt reply.
The thing is, I cant leave him just like that. I love him so much, I ve never love someone this much before.
Do you have any suggestions how can i fix thing back to normal?
Or how to help him overcome my past?? He's constantly dreaming about me and ex boyfrens, which i really dont know what to do cuz i cant stop him from dreaming!! :(
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 December 2010):
Please excuse my language but fuck that noise. You didn't MAKE him sleep with you. He's got a bad case of retroactive jealousy and he's become abusive because of it.
Here's the thing, the only thing you did wrong was lie about how many partners you had. That's it, and you've since paid for it way more than you should have had to.
The way I see it, you didn't do anything wrong. He didn't fall in love with an illusion. You're the same person he fell in love with. All this new information does is change his perception of you. Your past experiences made you the person he claims to love. But he really doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't say such horribly hurtful things to you while he's verbally abusing you.
This guy is an insecure selfish jerk who needs a lesson about reality. Give him that lesson by telling him you're not going to take this shit anymore. Either he accepts you and gets over this childish behavior or you walk. That way you can walk away with a clear conscience having given him a chance. He will not change. His verbal abuses will likely turn physical at some point. Get out before that happens.
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