A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello auntsWhat does someone do when they can’t find love? I want to give a background ( been in two relationships) long term( both same type of guys) negligent - over powering - verbally absuive - and non emphatic . Learned my lesson that I need to wake up and not let men step over me but I’m still single( two years now)I work two jobs to support my dream of moving near the beach and in the bars I get hit on a lot by men ( some of these men are not nice and not appealing) I also tried online and found the same types of men there At my first job the only man I like is taken so that won’t work I don’t get it - is it not in the cards for me? I am around so many men yet I don’t find them appealing. I am not picky at all I just can’t seem to click and I don’t want to force itWill love ever come? Men always give me compliments about my looks but it seems the ones I Ike I can never find single or st the right place right timeI don’t ask for much and as a matter of a fact I have settled in the past to the point where I have had men verbally abuse etcWhat makes me nervous is this having all the men but not connecting - and then as soon as someoen attractive comes along I want to hold on to them since I can rarely feel thisDoes anyone have advice - kind of tried everything to find love and it feels lonely Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (15 January 2018):
All the men I know who go to bars do so to pick up women, have sex, and then look for their next conquest. The best guys I know are not hanging around bars...after work they spend their outside time at classes, getting some type of exercise and anything else that will improve their mental and physical health or is otherwise fun but productive.
You need to increase your exposure to the nice guys, which means hanging out at the same places they do. Having two jobs may prevent you from doing the right things to meet someone good. You might have better luck if you reduce your work schedule and wait just a while longer before moving to the beach.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2018): From my own experience, I learned it's not hard to find companionship, attractive-people to hang-put with, or sex. Love is evasive, and it happens when it happens. You don't give-up the search. You make the best of the journey, and keep a positive-attitude. It's exhausting, but hope is your fuel. Keep your love-supply healthy and active by sharing it in other ways. Like showering it over yourself, family, and friends.
Maybe you should end the "I'm on a mission" approach; or abort the "manhunt." You're still young and attractive. Just continue to meet and mingle with people. Make connections and network. Join a travel and adventure club, and find ways to give-back to your community. All you need is exposure, some patience, and let nature takes its course.
Your job is not a dating-pool or single's-mix. It's where you earn your money to pay your bills, use your skills, and prepare for your future. When things don't workout, it's hard to return back to being a professional. Facing someone daily; who dumped you, or screwed you over. Seeing them 35-40 hours a week! All the while, raising the company's liability for a sexual-harassment suit!
When you're on a mission for love, you're too focused on finding a target. Not mutual or natural attraction.
Each guy is self-aware. Everyone has his/her own set of rules, criteria, goals, separate brains, and we each make our own decisions. The objective is to attract, and persuade someone to notice your best-attributes. Check you out, and evaluate those traits you possess that they are looking for. Everyone is looking for a suitable mate who fits your criteria to be a good match. Love jumps in if all the elements will support it.
Here's the hardest part I think for women. Allowing enough time for the full-chemistry to take place. Confusing acts of romance and/or physical-attraction with love. Hearing the L-word and losing all sense of reason. Worst of all, not believing it when it's true. Always dragging the baggage from the last time somebody hurt you; and pinning it on the next guy. Yeah, guys do that too; but not with so much "intense-emotion." Some do, but seem to scare women!
Over-eagerness and desperation forces us to be greedy, demanding, and impatient. Our sense of entitlement frustrates us by feeling we should have what we want when we want it. Now! Right now! Otherwise; we give-up in frustration. You, me, and everybody is guilty of doing that!
Love never fell in my lap. I somehow wandered into it. I meet someone who strikes my fancy. We explore the possibilities and see what happens. It's been hit or miss. A lot of misses, but I can't complain; because it's not my nature to give-up in defeat. I've hit the jackpot! Twice!!!
I was taught from a child, nothing good comes easy. You can want the best all you like; but you also have to deserve it. Then once you receive it; be grateful, and do all you can to preserve it. If you can't see your own faults, you'll never fix them. Others will see, if you don't. One or several failed-relationships does not predict your future for all the rest.
You better learn from failure. It's a test. It makes you stronger and wiser. Or, a cynical whiny cry-baby! Love is for the fit, and those who can endure it! It's not easy! You're not always happy and romantic in it. It hurts too!
I listened to my parents, my elders, and some wise old professors; who were more than happy to impart their knowledge of life and love. Their lessons may have varied in delivery; but they all seemed to affirm each other, and had the same wisdom in-common. Your search for it might last longer than your relationship. It may be good, but brief. It's hard to maintain! The window of opportunity opens again and a again. If you don't give-up hope.
To succeed at anything, you have to believe you can do it first.
You enjoy meeting people, making friends, and giving something back; and somehow you will find your treasure. Stop trying to make men an instant-boyfriend. Allow the chemistry to develop naturally. Don't let desperation overwhelm you and push you to frustration and self-defeat. The world is populated with billions of people. How can not a single one of them not be meant for you? If your mission is to beat your biological-clock? Guess what, love doesn't care about that! You can get pregnant without love. You can gain a baby, but lose the man! Get a marriage, with no love in it.
Shake your sorry-attitude. Continue your process of selection and elimination. Make the process fun. Learn as you go. Stop giving-in to cynicism. All women aren't perfect, and all men are not bad. You just have to sort through a few to find the guy right for you; and the one nature designed you for.
Yes, there will be lonely cold nights. You won't always have a plus-one, and some dudes will be jerks. You have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Use down-time for self-improvement and enlightenment. Your blessings sometimes take time to be prepared; but in the meantime, you should also be preparing. It wasn't always something wrong with the guys. Consistent-failures also say you're doing something wrong; or there is something about yourself you also need to fix.
Start with improving your attitude. You deserve what you want; just take your mind off the mission. Just enjoy being a woman. Treasure your youth and independence. You have to realize that love can be delayed; because you're too eager or not fully prepared to receive it. It finds you when you least expect it! It's not like in the movies, novels, or on TV! It's good and bad, long and short. Agony and ecstasy. You know what I mean?
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (14 January 2018):
 Hi
What you're asking for is not something that comes along even every couple of years sometimes so try not to worry too much and think it's something you're doing wrong.
Wonderful guys don't hang around in bars in my experience so maybe try going somewhere totally new x
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (14 January 2018):
 The energy I get from you letter tells me that you are relying on a man to come into your life and make you happy. The truth is there is no man on planet earth that can fulfil that wish. I'm assuming you think constantly about being single and lacking love, so as a result you find yourself in more and more circumstances that give you the results of what you think about the most even when surrounded by a pool of men.I've come to learn that passion comes from putting in the work time and time and time again. When we believe that passion will just magically pop up one day and slap us across the face we mislead ourselves. How many love stories have you ever heard of that started of with the woman not being very interested in the guy at first? I know I've heard tons of them. Sometimes you need to give the people who you don't immediately click with a bit of a run for their money. Give it a full effort.I've noticed many women grow up with fantasies about romance. That a prince will come on a big steed and whisk her off into the sunset. That's not real life. Those are movies and dreams and storybooks. For all you know your prince could be that guy that nerdy bookstore clerk, or the guy at work who tells the most horrible jokes or even the not so cute bartender at the bar you always go to. Nobody's perfect, and we're all going through the struggle like you.Learn to let go of expectations. Life doesn't owe you anything, that's the rub of it. Learn to work on being happy with yourself so that when a man does come along you won't allow him to abuse you because you already found contentment. Find a hobbies and clubs and focus on making some new friends. Learn more about who you are and what you want from life and the right people will come along. Don't treat you life like a ticking time bomb.All the best.
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A
female
reader, ashleighkaylin +, writes (14 January 2018):
 I agree that you won't find husband-material in bars. Sure, you can dance or watch a game but you can watch games at games themselves or in your living room with friends. And why would you want strangers complimenting dancing or your dancing clothes when they should be complimenting your spirit? Definitely try the Humane Society, Habitat for Humanity, a soup kitchen, a literacy campaign or something like that. I'm not sure if you go to church (or temple or wherever) but that's a much better start. Do you play sports like volleyball? Do you water ski, surf or anything? Those are things to do near your beach home.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 January 2018):
 It seems to me that at least part of your trouble is that you have put so much (working 2 jobs) into realizing your dream #1 (living near a beach), that you don't have time for dream #2 (love). In fact all the time you have is for a couple of bar visits per week.
So No time.
Looking in the wrong place.
A slewed concept of what is attractive to you.
My recommendation is that you join a charitable volunteer group, or a hobby organization. You are more likely to find what you are looking for there.
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