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I hate that I don't want sex

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 May 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 17 May 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi Everyone!

I don't really know where to turn or who to ask for advice. I'm a 24 year old female- have been with my current partner for 6 and a half years. With our up's and downs admittedly.

I love this man, I look forward to seeing him everyday, I miss him when he's not around. I get excited for little breaks away and long weekends we can spend together.

We have fun, we make each other laugh, he adores me and treats me like a princess. The thought of losing him or not having him in my life saddens me.

So what I don't understand is- my whole sexual attraction for him has got up and left. It was something that gradually happened. I didn't notice at first as I was promoted to a top management role in my job. As stress and busy new roles took over the sex dropped off.

Now though it's got to a point where I can't seem to get it back and now we're in a rut. He try's to initiate sex or sexual activity basically everyday and I feel bad for constantly turning him away or busying myself hoping he doesn't notice another rejection. I think what has made it worse is his new 'desperate' almost style of trying to have sex with me. If I'm changing he will grab me and grope me, or steal my clothes from the bed so I have to try and get them back and then try and make an advance from that. He will slip his fingers under my pj shorts when I'm working/cooking/getting ready or the worst bit- even asking me for sexual favours.

I see both sides, I really do. I see he's desperate. We haven't had sex once since Christmas. He's trying to take whatever chance he can get. However the constant grabbing me or groping me like a piece of meat is repulsing me. I feel a huge invasion of my privacy someone sticking there hands in my trousers or private areas when I'm not expecting it.

We recently argued and decided to have a chat and he brought up the non existent sex life and I mentioned how his constant groping makes me feel dirty and cheap. So now he's changed his tactics- to asking me for a kiss and persistly trying to kiss me. When in my head all I can think about is 'your doing this as your after sex'.

My other problem I should mention is I suffer with vaginal pain- so sex is painful for me. It's reasonably controlled but not 100% and it could definitely be better. I can't have a 'quickie' or spontaneous sex. I need foreplay or lubricant for it to feel reasonably comfortable.

This I am aware plays a huge impact on my desire for sex, however it's something I have had for four years and have managed to find ways around this.

I desperately want my sex life back with my partner. I want to feel that sexual desire towards him and not feel irritated or repulsed by his constant advances. I am attracted to him and in my head when we are out/in the gym/with friends il look at him and feel a rush of sexual desire - but then when it comes down to acting on this the urge totally goes. I will think to myself 'tonight I'm going to have sex' and then when it comes down to it I push him away and can't find the desire to act on it.

I'm also punishing myself and feel like a rubbish girlfriend. I hate that I don't want sex and I hate that he's in a sexless relationship. I feel like I'm not normal or strange for my age. It's all building up and I don't know where to turn.

I just want to be able to enjoy sex with my partner again and it not feel like a chore.

View related questions: cheap, christmas, foreplay, lubricant, sex life, vagina

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (17 May 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm appalled at anyone suggesting you're selfish or should force yourself. NO! Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both people, not traumatic.

You need to see a doctor about the pain. Also, needing lots of lubricant is normal - many people don't have quickies without proper stimulation on the woman because it's sore and becomes all about the man's pleasure, not both.

As desperate as he is, he shouldn't grope you without your permission. Also, his pestering is 99% likely to make it worse.

See a doctor and a therapist. If both of those don't work, you need to let him go to find someone who wants sex and you find someone who doesn't.

This is not your fault or his!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

Believe it or not sex is supposed to be fun. People have a way of losing sight of that.

You don't want intercourse? Or intercourse is painful? Or intercourse might be painful and that worry in the back of your mind spoils it? Then give him a handjob or BJ here and there. Pretend you don't dislike it. Have him go down on you.

You two should cuddle & play without it having to lead to sex every time. Be AFFECTIONATE without the implied obligation of sex. Sex is the most fun when it isn't planned. Oral sex does not need to be "I do you and then you do me" all the time. Sometimes one of you goes down on the other and that's all. Big deal. Just have some fun.

If none of this sounds like any fun to you then perhaps you don't have enough sexual attraction to this guy anymore.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2017):

N91 agony auntI agree with wiseowl.

Your BF is trying everything he can possibly think of to make thing's work. Have you ever thought how he feels in all this? Have you ever actually spoken to him about it and just been up front and honest?

I bet he feels all kinds of stuff in his head....youre cheating, planning on leaving him, not attracted to him anymore.

You say you want your sex life back but what are you actually doing about it? Nothing by the sounds of the post. If you have pain during sex, go to the doctors, try to solve the problem. If you're stressed, tell your BF so that he knows, he isn't a mind reader and this could help to put him at ease and see your side of things.

If you're not willing to do these things then let him go, I think you're being unfair on him and stringing him along.

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (17 May 2017):

Myau agony auntYour selfish, plain and simple.

A relationship is GIVE and take. Not just take. You are only thinking about yourself.

Even with Vaginal problems you could easily give him a hand job or oral. But you don't. why?

Because your selfish.

Is he neglecting you in any way? No he isn't. You admit he is a great partner to you.

So its simple really. Take care of your partner like you should be or break up.

Make the choice before he makes it for you and you end up alone like a lot of modern women are.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

Uncle Wise has said it all. The honorable thing to do in this situation is let the poor guy off the hook and let him find someone more compatable sexually.Also you have your peace of mind and stop worrying and accept the fact that simply you don't like having sex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

Im sorry to say but i agree with other female anonymous that if it is really at this point and you have tried other things, the only thing left to try is to suck it up and just have sex with him. Honestly sometimes as women we dont feel in the mood until we are actually doing it. You dont always have to be totally overcome with passion to give the gift of intimacy to your partner.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

You constantly contradict yourself throughout your post. So I might answer with some uncertainty. Maybe you're a little nervous.

You say you love this guy so very much. You say you want your sex-life back. You say maybe it's attributed to pressures from work, and some of it is due to vaginal-pain. You say foreplay helps somewhat with lubrication.

Seems to me he does what most guys do to initiate sex; like touching and groping. That is a part of having sex, you know? You say that repulses you. He begs for kisses, and you reject him. He tries every tactic he can think of; and all of his moves disgust you, or make you feel cheap.

Most people are spontaneous and instinctive;y try to seduce and tempt your mate towards sex. You've ruled-out just about everything; so I don't think you're sexually-attracted to the guy anymore.

You must have some idea of what turns you on? Maybe you have put him in the "friend-zone" and just won't admit it; because you are afraid he'll give-up on the relationship, and find somebody else. If you're both in the same age-group; the odds are against you that he will.

I think a visit to your gynecologist might rule-out some things, or find an answer to some of your problems. You're very young, so the problem doesn't seem much like something physiological. Maybe it's about his love-making technique. He seems to lack sensitivity, doesn't employ foreplay; and he may need to slow-down and go easy.

Yet you don't seem to want him to kiss or touch you.

If sex is painful, there are lots of remedies and treatments that help in this area. Prescribed and over the counter.

You're not clear if the problem might be that he's too large; and/or he may be too rough during sex. You are more proactive towards rejecting your mate, than trying to find a solution; if you go strictly by your post.

Seems he's been as patient with you as humanly possible. No man should ever force himself on a woman against her will. Under no circumstances is this permissible, moral, or legal.

You'll need to be as sensitive as you need him to be to you. Making him feel like a rapist isn't helping your relationship either.

I am afraid to conclude that you've become best-friends; but sexually-incompatible.

It is likely the situation will remedy itself by an eventual breakup; if the matter isn't related to a medical issue.

If it's psychological, that's definitely in the realm of sexual-incompatibility. You're just no longer sexually-attracted to him; and he has become more of a friend than a lover.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

As harsh as it sounds you just need to have sex ..once you have sex you will start to want it more and your bloke should go to the doctor to see if they can help .. put aside some time to have sex if it scares you just start off with for play.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2017):

You sound EXACTLY like me. I am 28 and have been with my partner for 9 years. For the first four years we had sex quite frequently. And then I progressively lost interest. I too suffer from vagina pain and get cystitis after every sexual experience now. Often I had to take a day off work after sex to get over the infection or pain. So I stopped wanting any sex. But this wasn't the only reason. I also just lost interest I didn't feel turned on and I was always too tired. My partner would grope me too and try and initiate sex and I'd turn him down and feel terrible. We chatted about it sometimes and once he said he felt like I didn't fancy him anymore. Even when we had sex it felt like a chore.

I don't have a huge solution. I was diagnosed with a hormonal disorder (polycystic ovaries) and I think this doesn't help. But I don't think it is the main reason. And I can't tell you what is. But vagina pain is not something you need to put up with. I'd check that out at the doctors. It might be something they can improve. And try not to our a huge amount of stress on yourself. Explain to your Bf it's not something you can control. Tell him about me if you want. I love my partner with every ounce of my being but have the same issue. I had to be away from my partner for two months and did find I stared to get sexual thoughts about Him.

Sorry I'm ranting. I just don't want you to feel alone. See a doc about the pain and go from there. Best of luck

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