A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been dating a guy on/off for over a year. The reason we ever go off is because he doesn't commit to calling me his girlfriend. Every time I try to move on he continually texts me asking to see me. I don't understand why he wants to see me still if he doesn't want a proper relationship.We started dating when he was going through a breakup from a relationship of 3 years.My questions is, has anyone else gone through the same thing? Seeing someone for over a year plus and not be in a proper relationship?
View related questions:
a break, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 October 2014):
 Like Cindy, so simply put it, if he can get you to stick around without HIM having to commit... he gets the whole GirlFriend Experience without having to SACRIFICE his independence and "freedom". He can still call himself single and if he doesn't WANT to hang out with you, no big deal. If he wants to sleep with another chick, no big deal.
I would stop CARING about why he does what he does.
YOU already know that he doesn't SEE you as a GF material, nor does he WANT a relationship.
So, IF you WANT a BF and a relationship - HE ISN'T IT. Tell him you are done with whatever you were doing and you will cut the contact 100% (which means block his number, delete it and remove him from social websites and so forth.) NO contact. And THEN you work on moving on.
What he wants is IRRELEVANT, if he can't give YOU what YOU want.
By continuing to GIVE him the GFE/FWB thing you are ACCEPTING being his NOT GF, but Friendly F- buddy. And having sex with him WILL NOT change his mind. He will NOT have an epiphany and realize that he had a GREAT girl right in front of him ALL ALONG.
Go for what you want. But don't settle for being in a FWB when you WANT a real relationship, just because THAT is what the GUY wants.
Come on now, you know what's up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2014): I was in the same situation for over 5 years. Every time I tried to break away he would chase me again until I relented and we started seeing each other again. But he was never my boyfriend even though he knew that was what I wanted so dearly.
I realised that this could go on for years or until he met someone he wanted to be with properly (which would have broken my heart). So I bit the bullet and ended it with him - this did break my heart and he was very very upset. I told him exactly why I was ending it and how much I wanted a proper relationship with him. He didn't want a relationship with me but wanted us to remain friends. I could no longer cope with the pain of wanting someone who didn't want me, and I stuck to my decision and refused to see or contact him any more.
That was 20 months ago and I still miss him and think about him, but my life is so so much better now and I feel happy and free. Next time I will only have a relationship with a man who truly wants to be with me. I am in my mid fifties, but haven't given up hope of finding a wonderful man - it is never too late.
My advice to you is, tell him very calmly how you feel and what you want from him (i.e. relationship). If he just wants to remain in this non-committed relationship, end it completely and go NO CONTACT (its the only way). And save yourself. At your age there are plenty of other men out there who would be over the moon to have you as their girlfriend.
Be brave and good luck. X
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 Eh, he can go on twenty years if you let him ( apparently you do ).
He gets the whole GFE experience ( not just sex-on-tap, that too- but also friendship, companionship, intimacy , talking... ) yet on his terms and conditions, when HE wants and needs; and he does not get all that pesky things that official bfs have got to do: like being monogamous, just to name one. But also, hang out with your friends and family, cheer you up and be supportive when you are down or stressed, etc.etc.
He's a lucky devil , don't be too surprised if he likes the status quo. YOU have to put a stop to this state of things if YOU don't like it. He won't.
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (10 October 2014):
Because in his eyes, he is getting all of the benefits of being in a relationship (sex, conversation, a convenient plus one when required etc), without any of the responsibility (having to remain faithful, family obligations, that sort of thing).
Everything is on his terms. He isn't interested enough in you to make it official, but he's more than happy to keep you around to meet his needs until he meets someone he does want to be with properly.
My best friend was in a situation like this for over three years. She made up all kinds of excuses for him (he's been hurt before, he's scared, he just doesn't want the pressure of a label etc), and it ended with him meeting someone else and getting engaged within 6 months, and her left heartbroken because she'd really fallen for him. For your sake, I really hope you end it and find someone who is willing to consider what you need as well. And block his number so he can't worm his way back in.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 October 2014):
 For some men, getting the girlfriend experience while not being the boyfriend is the best thing ever. As to what kind of men can be some cruel, it would be men would lack compassion, empathy and see relationship exchanges as how much they can take. They feel the more this can drag on before you find out by questioning, the more they win. It's a game of seeing how long this can play out. If a man can do this for years and years, he's a winner. I have doubts of him going through a break up. He may be telling you this to keep a string of hope. His girlfriend could also be and on and off partner. One of you is on while the other is off. She is probably wondering the same thing of why he wants to be with her.
...............................
|
