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I did everything for her, now we don't get on. Has she used me?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 May 2010) 9 Answers - (Newest, 25 May 2010)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:


I have been with a girl for coming up two years now. She started to work in the office where I work- I am 34 and she is now 23.

I tried to give this relationship my all. We moved in together after a short while of dating. I paid the deposit for her house and bought her all the furniture too. I also help support her toddler from a previous relationship who lives with us during the week but is with her dad during the weekend.

The problem is that we do not get along. We argue all the time and when we do not argue we are usually just sitting in front of the TV watching stuff and it can get a bit dull at times.

I feel like I have spent a lot of time, energy and money trying to please her and also change her and keep her happy but its not working.

The other day, I found out that she was talking to other guys on a dating site. I am not sure what to do?

Should I leave, has she just used me?

View related questions: money, moved in

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A male reader, Red Green 0289 United States +, writes (25 May 2010):

You paid the deposit? You're occasionally paying rent? You bought her furniture? and you fight?

You need to walk away from this 'relationship'... it's unhealthy and if you stick around it's simply going to cost you MORE MONEY and be more painful to recover from.

Odds are good she'll move on after the lease, that is if she can make the payments till then.

You need to learn a lesson!!! Do not try to save women who need to be saved! Let them go! Your next GF should be someone who wants a relationship with you, not who wants to be saved!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010):

My advice is that it's got nothing to do with the age gap, but all to do with how much you have done.

You seem to have been desperate (and I mean that with respect) to please her by buying furniture etc... but what you did was turn this into a one sided relationship.

Even though you may have the money, I think in terms of furniture you should have 'together' bought some cheap stuff and gradually replaced it. Same with the deposit. By all means give her a hand with a deposit, but don't pay it all!!!

I think someone mentioned about equal status - and I think that where it's gone wrong. If she's chatting to younger men then they are going to probably be at the same life stage as her with less money and therefore more likely to treat her (through no option) as more of an equal.

You might have the cash, experience and knowledge etc (as do I!!) but try 'dumbing' down a bit and do a bit less.

She's not a gold digger but what you've done by being too eager too help is turn yourself into the dad figure.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010):

Hello I am the OP and I just wanted to thank you guys for the answers.

The house is hers, I am not on the lease. I do own a home which is a few streets away but we do not stay there and I tend to stay over at her house. I sometimes pay her rent as well. She does not work, she looks after her kid and I go out and work so I only see her a few hours a day.

I really do not know if I want to continue in this relationship, in fact I do not think I can as I am in a lot of debt because of the amount of money I put into this relationship.

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A female reader, laetitia Canada +, writes (25 May 2010):

laetitia agony auntThe other day, I found out that she was talking to other guys on a dating site. I am not sure what to do?

I agree with everyone below. You need to sit down with her and clarify all the issues that are piling up in your head. If you're financially supporting her and her child while she is disrespecting you by talking to other guys online and constantly picking up arguments with you, you need to quit being the "nice guys", cut the financial support and even reconsider staying with her.

Should I leave, has she just used me?

If you allow yourself to get used, you will get used. It won't be her fault in that case, but yours entirely. If after your discussion with her, things don't change, then yes, leave her.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (25 May 2010):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe she feels more like a daughter/father relationship? Since you take care of everything for her. Just a thought.

I think when a relationship isn't equal, it can be hard to make it work.

Maybe you need to grab your stuff and move out. (or if your name is on the lease, give her notice and ask her to move out.) I think when you have one person in a relationship constantly looking to find "greener" grass, the relationship is doomed to fail.

Also maybe you need to look at this and she how you may have failed yourself? Find a women who needs a man, not a knight on a shining horse to rescue her.

*hugs* and good luck.

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A female reader, cnith United States +, writes (25 May 2010):

cnith agony auntIt would help to know what you're arguing over.

Did she use you? Probably. Did you use her? Probably.

Don't scream... It's true. Watch this. You had sex with her, no doubt, right? Did you pay her? No. Did you marry her? No. So there you go. You used her for free sex.

She used you for free furniture... or you paid for sex with furniture, deposit, and baby support.

OK, so now that I degraded your relationship as much as you have, can we move on to a real discussion?

If I were you I'd suggest counseling if you can't work it out via just talking. But make sure when you DO talk, it's now when either of you is tired or sleep deprived. You can start out by saying, "Honey I don't want us to argue anymore. Can you help me figure out how to stop?" If she says well you're the one who X Y Z and starts it!! Say, "I know, I'm sorry. Can you help me figure out how to communicate better?" And then you can say what you need. Basically you're blaming yourself for not communicating.

My guess is, neither of you is communicating well. There is some needs not being met but you guys aren't communicating them effectively. Relationships are hard work. If she loves you, she'll work with you on it. If she doesn't she'll move on. Or you should.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010):

I know many people will disagree with me on this but the concept of being 'used' is not one I believe in. People only think they were used when they gave/did things with an agenda and that agenda wasn't fulfilled.

In your case you spent time and money trying to change someone and trying to please that person, that was your mistake not hers. You chose to do those things for her, you're an adult with choices and you're old enough to make your own decisions, you chose to do nice things for her in the hopes that you would get something specific in return and now that you see you're not going to get that you feel used.

I looks like the relationship is just not going to work in my opinion and perhaps the fact you have been so financially supportive is the only reason she's still there. You need to have a serious and frank discussion with her about your situation and where she sees this relationahip going.

Please try and get the idea of you being used out of your head and don't bring it up with her. Doing nice things and supporting the person you are with is part of being in a relationship if you only do those things expecting something in return then you just leave yourself open to disappointment but again that is your choice.

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A female reader, straight to the truth United Kingdom +, writes (25 May 2010):

It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and have a chat. when you say you paid the deposit on her house does it not belong to you both?

I have to say I am with someone who is slightly older and earns more than me but I would not let him pay for my new car after my old one was written off because i didn't want to be seen as using him and I want to stand on my own two feet. We live together but because I can afford a house he owns the home and I contribute towards living costs.

I have to say I recently found out he had befriended a few girls from a chat site and had been talking to them regularly and my world fell apart so I sat down and had a talk and we have sorted things out now.

You need to do the same, you need to talk and find out why she is on the dating sites and stop letting her take you for a ride. make her pay her own way in life.

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A female reader, cindy 15 United Kingdom +, writes (25 May 2010):

cindy 15 agony auntsome relationships do get dull at times sometimes it is a phase for all relation ships.

but if she is always like this and the spark in ur relation has faded and died and ur both nt happy wat relationship is there?

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