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How do couples deal with different sex drives?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2022) 4 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2022)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I am worried that my fiancé who is super patient now about sex will become unhappy over time if we get married and we do not become intimate more often. He has not said anything but I know he wants sex a lot more than we are having it now. His libido is through the roof. We do a lot of cuddling and he is always hard and ready to go and almost every day asks me if I am in the “mood” to make love. Maybe 1 x week I am and say yes. When do have sex he is so enthusiastic like it is his birthday and he tries so hard to make it “epic.” It is pretty wonderful and I will just say I don’t have to fake anything. But then not long after we are laying there afterward he is hard and sometimes asking if I want to “go again.” I think he wants to ask more often but he admitted he sometimes doesn’t because he feels “greedy” asking for more. He does not pressure me at all and asks very politely but when he does ask I am usually thinking “oh no he wants more” and I just want to keep cuddling. He admits he is “hyper horny” around me, that he cannot help it, and he says he does not expect to have sex just because he is in the mood. It is definitely fun knowing he desires me (so that is positive), but sometimes I worry he will lose patience with me and decide I am a tease or something. Sometimes I will have sex with him even when I am not in the mood and it usually ends up being fun anyway and I just feel like he deserves it for being such a good guy. When we don’t have sex sometimes he will take a shower and when I asked he admitted he usually masturbates to “calm down.” I was a little jealous like hey I want to do that for him, but I see how he is trying to deal with it so he does not put pressure on me. But then when he comes to bed he just gets hard again if I cuddle on him. If I lay my head on his chest and roam my hand on his arm or tummy it is like flipping a switch and he is all hard again. He just laughs it off and says he cannot help it and not to worry about it and just enjoy cuddling. Is this normal? Is he going to be okay? Am I just being paranoid? I very much enjoy sex with him and he makes me feel very desired with a lot of affection, but am I going to be able to keep him happy with such different sex drives?

View related questions: horny, in the mood, jealous, libido, sex drive

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

a better question "how do I deal with my low sex drive?"

Google "Low sex drive in women" at the Mayo Clinic website.

They're saying you should be masturbating (like the rest of us) and have sexual fantasies. Eyes on the wrong paper maybe.

At your age I'm embarrassed to say how many times we did it, it was way way more than 1x a week, way more. And it was me more than him that would initiate. Somehow I was too tired and he was in the mood, I'd do a BJ which I rarely finished because I'd end up going cowgirl on him.

Homework: Blowjob while masturbating, fantasizing sex on the beach with lifeguards cheering you on."Kate Kate Kate" (works for me) or maybe on a mountain summit just the 2 of you. Skinny dip, take the plunge. nude beach maybe.

Our friends both had low drive. They came back early from their beach walk and watched us have sex (unbeknownst to us till they clapped at the end) -- they said it inspired them to do it 4x a week. (vs 2x a month) - hearing us go at it at the beach rental was also a turn on.

70 now and still way more (but not way way more)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2022):

It was so fun reading your post and the responses. You sound like you have a really great guy there - maybe a bit of a horndog but a heart of gold. Isn't it great he is so attracted to you? You should let that make your feel sexy and desirable and take it for the compliment it is.

The different libidos is a very common thing in my opinion and my husband and I went through it (and still do but to a lesser extent than when we were in our 20's. I agree with the advice about giving him at least once a week even if it is just a reward for being a great guy and because you love him. As has been said, you probably will enjoy it after all (especially if he is so enthusiastic and eager to please).

There is not an exactly right way to handle the situation. I can only share what worked for us. We dedicated Saturday mornings before the kids wake up to "f--- time." He looks forward to it all week. Baring serious illness, he can count on it. Instead of being frustrated not knowing how to ask me or get me in the mood, he knows exactly when it was going to happen. The anticipation sort of helped me get in the mood as well, especially knowing how much he was looking forward to it.

I was also feeling guilt about the fact he had to masturbate in between Saturdays (which is silly by the way, it is okay if he does). One day I decided to wake him up with a handjob. Nothing complicated. Just stroking him until he orgasms. His reaction and gratitude melted my heart, so it has become an every morning thing (which may or may not be something for everyone).

If I am not up for a long ordeal I just stroke him very fast and whisper sexy stuff to him. Even when he tries to last I have learned how to break his will power in 5 minutes. If I am in the mood to tease him I just go much slower with the stroking, hold it more gently, and stop and start a lot. It is so fun to watch his facial expressions and hear the sounds he makes trying to be quiet. On days like that I may may tease him for 30 minutes or longer.

He never gets tired of his morning jumpstart and I cannot count the number of times he whispers "thank you, thank you, thank you" while I am helping him out. Sometimes I get so turned on by his reactions I just tell him to make love to me. He is very enthusiastic to turn the focus on me in those situations.

I think he would be a kind and loving husband no matter what but our compromise makes him very happy, affectionate, thoughtful, and eager to please. I know if I was in the mood for anything he would be at my beck and call and he has been willing to try different things to please me.

For example, when I told him watching him do situps turns me on he made that a part of our Saturday routine and that is something I get to look forward too. It is amazing how many situps he can do when he knows what comes next.

I am in my 30's now and I agree things change. I find I am in the mood more often and we may have sex 2 or 3 times per week including Saturdays. Happily, he has not slowed down at all at 32 and seems always ready just like your guy. Part of that I think is his healthy lifestyle and dedication to fitness so make sure your guy takes good care of himself.

My only parting thought is to remember sex ought to be a way to show your love to your partner, not a way to "get yours." Of course, in the process of pleasing your partner you end up getting a lot of pleasure yourself. At least that is the way I think it should be.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2022):

I think it's nice that you are concerned about the future, but hopefully you're worried for nothing. Most men want sex a bit less frequently as they age and a lot of women want sex a bit more frequently as they get into their late 30's.

I would try and understand that his masturbation is different from sex with you and not be jealous.

He sounds like a great lover so I'd say stick with him!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2022):

Cuddling a man in bed and putting your hand on his stomach is going to make most men hard. Yes, it's normal.

You're very lucky I think, to have a man who doesn't pressurise you at all and reassures you that he's fine with the frequency you have sex.

You say that you are in the mood roughly once a week and that if you have sex when you're not in the mood, that it ends up being fun?

Then I have to wonder, if you are so worried that you are not fulfilling him and you worry that you are not making him happy, then why on earth don't you have sex more regularly when you're not in the mood? This is a very common phenomena usually amongst women. They're not in the mood and then once they start to have sex, they enjoy it.

Simple solution, no?

Even if you just agree to sex when you're not in the mood once a week, at least that's something. Then you'll be making him happier. I think this is fair as he seems very keen on making you happy, when he has to do something he doesn't want to do, which is turn over and go to sleep with a raging hard on. Give it a try.

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