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Help with confidence in a relationship

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, Family, Flirting, Teenage, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *erryblaster writes:

Hi, the last boyfriend i had took drugs and smoked. Also i had suspicions he cheated on me with his girl best friend. He was nice to me until i dumped him because my parents thought he was bad news. When i dumped him he started saying he wad going to get ne jumped and smash my house up and beat my dad up. Now i'm scared to fall in love again. Im scared that if i do, they'll use me like my ex did and cheat on me. I'm scared that if we break up he will say he will get me jumped. If i do get into a relationship, should i tell him where i live?? How can i get more confidence??

View related questions: best friend, cheated on me, confidence, drugs, my ex

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A male reader, Myau New Zealand +, writes (11 August 2016):

Myau agony auntTeens say stupid things all the time, he was just being an ass.

Since he was into smoking and drugs, your parents were right, he was bad news.

Maybe this time try someone nice and you'll find you have a lot more fun.

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A female reader, berryblaster United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2016):

berryblaster is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He was 15 and took drugs. His relatioship wasnt good with his mum or dad, he made threatd to run away and he called his mother names when i was on thr phone to him. I will make friends before i couple up with people. Thankyou evetyone for your answers it has made me much happier and i will enjoy my teen life instead of worrying about relationships.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 August 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntYou are 15 or younger. Enjoy your teenage years. Don't make a relationship your goal in life. Go out with your friends, have fun.

Worrying that, at such an early age, you have already had a boyfriend who took drugs. How old was he? No wonder your parents thought he was bad news. Well done for listening to them (you see, they WERE right!).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2016):

Ive been in your very position numerous times. I have had a horrible loosing streak with guys in my early adult years and was never sure if i could recover, let alone finally find one that wasn't so aggressive and threatening.

It really does take time to get to know yourself, so that you feel confident enough to pick a guy who is going to treat you very well, and if you end up with one that doesn't you can be strong enough to leave the relationship early on knowing that your life is going to be just as fine without them. Don't let guys damage you so much that you push even the good ones away, because i had to stop myself from doing that as well. dont tell yourself every time that you get into a relationship that the guy is going to hurt you, because you will damage even the most healthy of relationships that way. instead, know your worth, and realize that you dont need them, you just want them, and because they truly are a great person.

one of the issues i had with meeting a guy and starting a relationship with him is that they are completely different people during the courting stage then they are once they get into their emotions that they never learned to regulate. just as females need to learn regulation on menstrual horomones, guys have to learn to regulate that testoterone and many have yet to do so. emotionally unavailable people attract emotionally unavailable partners, so make sure you heal before trying to get into another relationship.

if being emotionally stable is a very important factor in choosing a partner, learn how to make assessment of such early on. ask why their last relationship ended. does he dog his ex girlfriends constantly? does he have a good relationship with his mother figure, the one responsible for teaching him emotional regulation at an early age? many of these signs appear very early on, and when they dont, have a game plan for what you will or will not put up with and leave before it becomes any more serious than that. best of luck to you.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (11 August 2016):

fishdish agony auntThings went way too far in your last relationship. Think about it, weren't there red flags--violence, temper, possessiveness, drugs, a wandering eye--before the day you broke up? Like, honestly, probably pretty soon into dating you must have known or seen one of these. Take these more signs seriously next time. Take a relationship like a friendship at first. Try to get to know a person before you date them to see if your values match up. Stay away from a domineering type, someone who tells you what to do or who to hang out with etc. It's smart to take things slow. If you meet a good guy, you shouldn't feel afraid that he'll harm your family. Just listen to your gut. You probably did not do that this time because he was cute or in some way charming (although I'm not seeing it!), just be better about sticking up for yourself and what your head is telling you. If something is feeling wrong or weird, it is super-important to listen to that voice and figure out where it's coming from--sometimes you can feel "off" in relationships because of past hurts, or you can feel off because what someone is doing is currently screwed up, and when you're not sure which, come back to us and we'll try to help. Give yourself some time to recover from this break up, and treat yourself well in the meantime with a little pampering. You'll be okay!

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