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He says he really likes me but doesn't want a girlfriend.

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been seeing this guy for a few months now (I have not been sleeping with him) ... He comes down basicully every night after work and college and we watch some t.v and chat. We do sleep in the same bed, although we are not having sex. He seems really keen and we have alot of fun together. I pulled someone else at a party at the weekend and when I saw him I asked him where we were at on the seeing other people aspect and he said "why? did you pull someone?" and I didn't say anything and he said "you did didn't you". I asked if he would care and he said "of course I would". Then he said "I'm going to be honest with you, I really like you but I don't want a girlfriend. Whats the point in a relationship? they only end in tears and I don't want to be thinking you're going to dump me everyday" (he was messed about by his last girlfriend) ... He got upset after saying this and started to cry a little ... he turned away from me and when I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I told him it's ok, I think it would be to soon to be in a relationship right now anyway. He also said he thinks we should only pull other people if we feel a connection and think it's going to go somewhere. I'm really confused and don't know if I should end it. I don't want to end up feeling alot for him and it not going anywhere!! help!! x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010):

Just a bit over 3 months ago, I lost my heart to the only individual whom I have ever been in love with, and to this very moment that individual still possesses my heart. Ironically and fortunately at that time I was introduced to an individual who was contending the same matter of the heart as myself, a conversation which paved the pathway for a very deeply meaningful friendship. Equally, both she and I are very much aware that we both are still in love with our ex's and so are incapable to properly, respectfully, fairly and completely commit ourselves to another. I am her rock and she mine, as when she is having a weak moment regarding her ex, I console her and vice versa, and while frequently our expressions of consolation are extended physically ((i.e. via hugging, cuddling, spooning, hand-holding, a peck on the cheek, flirting, etc)), neither of us regards it as a journey toward a relationship committment. Rather, it is a healthy mode of support in our destination to regaining our hearts as it permits for the reconstruction and vaditation of of self-worth, something we both lost via our sense of rejection.

She and I even discuss our longing for our ex's while comfortably spooning asleep together.

While she and I have an incredibly strong bond, we both are incapable at this point to carry of friendship to a deeper level as we know we are not ready and have a fear of destroying the bond that we share.

My friend is without a doubt a stand out woman with admirable self-respect, respect of others, Selfless, Honest, Trustworthy, Compassionate, Empathetic, Comical, Adventursome, Brilliant, and the list goes on and on...In the 3 months we've come to know and enjoy one another we have only locked horns twice and even then we dealt with and resolved it in a very mature and respectful manner. I can honestly say she is a standout woman..AND..she also makes a point to tell me the same.

Most importantly, she and I mutually agree that we both need to commence forcing ourselves out to the dating world as a means of regaining trust beyond the security blanket that she and I imprisoned ourselves to ((with that being the dpendency upon one another that we've come to share)).

It is imperative and urgent that the both of us trust independently again so that both she and I can regain a heart to hand over again.

We both require trusting again beyond she and I, and once we regain this trust, we will know if something more between the two of us is destined.

So, we will not even entertain a deeper relationship before meeting a 1 year friendship.~TRUST~

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

Reading your update, it sounds like he says he didn't want a girlfriend after you started going out with other guys, to me it sounds like he is throwing up a defensive wall to keep you from hurting him by saying he can't handle another girl right now etc... When in actuality his heart may be fully in your control and you are hurting him even more... just something to think about.

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A male reader, soon567 United States +, writes (31 October 2010):

I think he's upfront as well. I think if he just wanted sex he would have gotten it by now, I really don't see the poster saying no to him. I think he feeling pressure bye those ultimatums that he even had to confront the dating issue. You can come into someone life to soon and they could never see you as a girlfriend. Don't treat a guy, those FWB is just that FWB.

Sex isn't everything theirs other ways of getting what he want and I believe he is getting what he wants. Just relax in enjoy the guy company and he forget the ex at some point. I don't think you want to date a guy who heart belongs to another. Stop trying to date others when you want him, he's a guy and we are quick to think that we have a cheater here. Why end it if you're just friends? Its dating or nothing is off to me. Try this:

stop making the guy jealous, no sex, and take and get to know the guy. I think it'll be fine.

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A female reader, PatientlyWaiting1 United States +, writes (31 October 2010):

He seems like a nice guy who has been honest. I do not agree with another poster, I do not think he is after sex. The only thing you can do is not have sex with him, if he asks why, just say you do not feel comfortable knowing you two arent exclusive. Have fun with him and enjoy your time with him, no pressure. People that are always so quick to say either be with me or it's nothing usually lose whomever they are trying to get. Respect his wishes, he obviously likes you and he may need some time. Relationships are serious for some men and takes time to lead up to.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (31 October 2010):

janniepeg agony auntYou can wait for him to open up, that's if you can't find someone else. Some people take years to get over a breakup, for some, only a few days.

Emotions, moods, feelings are different things. Emotions and moods are more chemicals affected by your cycle, daily stress etc. Feelings are things you can control. I feel that I don't have to actively control my feelings for someone. My body and my instinct does its job to protect me. When I see a person not ready for a relationship I automatically shut down that part of myself that would cause me heart break in the future. He likes you, but do you like him? If you have faith that he would bounce back it would help if you could stop pulling someone at a party. It would cause jealousy and insecurity even though you are not bind to him. It could become a bad cycle of, he not wanting a relationship, you go out, he doesn't want to lose you, you become closer, then he withdraws for fear of getting hurt again, then you go out again. Just my opinion, but if it's too early to tell if you like him, you should just end it and give yourself more freedom and space.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He does take me out, I don't want you thinking that he doesn't put the effort in, because he does. That is why I am confused. If he doesn't like me and he's not getting anything, why would he keep traveling so far to see me. I could see the logic if he was getting what he wanted but he's not. He knows I don't want to have sex yet and does not pressure me at all. I met him through my best friend and she told me he is a genuine guy. I thought everything was going great but once I told him I was seeing other people, that's when he said he doesn't want a girlfriend.

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A female reader, DrPsych United Kingdom +, writes (31 October 2010):

DrPsych agony auntYou say that you are confused, but he has been honest with you. He is looking for casual sex with no strings - he doesn't want a girlfriend. He maybe upset that you are seeing other men but that is more out of concern for what he is not getting and they might be! I understand that he maybe hurt by an ex but that is not your problem. If you hang around then you risk heart-break. Simply put, he may get over the ex and then start dating other women...then you will never be his girlfriend. He seems willing to get into bed with you but not commit to full-on dating. He does this because you let him. Sorry to be harsh but you are staying in his bed and he thinks sooner or later he will get what he wants. He doesn't feel the need to put in the effort of wining and dining you. That is wrong but only you can put a stop to it.

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