A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife did not have sex with me very many years (more than a decade) and in my mind I always felt like sex was that one missing piece that would rejuvenate the relationship.I really missed it, I craved it, and it made me feel lonely that we stopped having itWhen we were younger we used to tell each other: "If the only reason we stay together is for the sex then I am okay with that!" but as the years wore on the sex dried up completely. By completely, I mean completely. I laugh when I read these posts by sex-starved spouses who say they only get it once a month! LOL! Try once in ten years! Anyway, this has been a huge issue in our marriage. We don't have kids (and are too old now) and a big reason for that is lack of sexFunny how that works. My wife would say she would want kids and I would tell her that that is not gonna happen without sex and she would consider that and then decide she was okay without kids. I don't want to relate all of our issues throughout the years, because there have been many - as in any long-term relationship - but a miracle happened last night and we actually had sex. She had a lot of energy for some reason and wanted to dance so we just stayed up and danced until 4am. Then eventually led to the bedroom where we finally had sex. The problem is that it was not the panacea I was hoping it would be. I feel better having had it, but in many ways it was disappointing. She did not orgasm or even come close. I typically have a premature ejaculation problem, but I also had a hard time climaxing. In fact, I was almost ready to give up before I decided that if I was only going to get this every decade I better damn well orgasm so I (pardon the graphic detail) pulled out and eventually came on the small of her back after some effort. Well, that wasn't how I imagined it would be. In fact, it was awful. So now what? She and I have not discussed it at all yet. Given what happened I would not blame her if she never consented again. On the other hand, she was hardly playing the role of a vixen. It was all very mechanical and a little forced. I am not sure what to tell her. The only thing she talked about today was how tired she was. I am very disappointed that after so much anguish and anticipation sex with her again (finally!) really sucked for us both. It makes me feel like giving up.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 August 2014):
 Well, I think you spend the last 10 years (or however long it was since last time) FANTASIZING about how lovely, great, amazing sex would be. Reality RARELY lives up to the fantasy.
I agree that you should initiate more intimacy (not necessarily sex) - basically court her all over again, woo her.
It might help, it might not. Unless you all know WHY she just shut down sexually in the first place.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Don't sweat it. You're probably not going to have sex again for another ten years. If she is anything like my wife or my friends wives, there is a periodic feeling of guilt where they will allow you to have her then back to 'normal' again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 August 2014):
 Why no sex?? From your post, it sounds like she is the one responsible for the lack of sex, and that you were the initiator and the one rebuffed until you just let the whole issue go. Why did she stop?
Something's missing from your post, and that's a reason. You are both too young to be celibate without health issues going on, as chronic illness and certain medications (like birth control pills) can chemically sap out libido. The fact that your wife said she was "so tired" and that the reason for the sex this time was having an unusual amount of energy makes me wonder if she does have health issues, diagnosed or undiagnosed.
Don't lose heart. Being celibate usually means getting self-relief, which after 10 years of your body and sex drive being used to it is hard to change. A hand grip stimulates more than a vagina, which is probably one reason why you had a hard time, as your premature issue is most likely with your hand (or hers or her mouth..you didn't say if you and she pleasured each other in other ways besides intercourse).
You both need marriage counseling, because there is a deep seeded sexual dysfunction in it that you both should address. Whether it stems from medical issues or emotional ones or past transgressions on either side, you both would benefit from making every effort.
In your case, if she was willing on a more regular basis, you could overcome the celibacy pattern of masturbatory orgasms and have a great sensation and stimulation adventure with her...it would take time to get back on the horse, so to speak, but I don't know if she'd even be game for it.
In which case, do you really want 10 more years of nothing?? I know I wouldn't unless my husband were truly incapacitated or there were serious health issues. All relationships have sexual ebbs and flows, but what happens then when the flame goes all the way out?? Then the relief seeking takes different turns where you either stay solo-sex with your hand or toys, or you both do things that aren't intercourse, or you ask for an open relationship, or you cheat (which don't do at all!), or you split up leaving you free to pursue a more sexually compatible and fulfilling relationship, and her to..well..not pursue one.
But you and I both know that you can't keep going on like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014): After 10 years of celibacy you were almost losing your virginity all over again. In the sense that you were fumbling about and nervous about performance and living up to expectations. You don't remember each other's hot spots and you don't have that level of comfort that comes with continued intimacy. So yes, it was like making love to a stranger without the emotional and psychological foreplay. No wonder it was so awkward.
My advice is to give her massages and renew intimacy. Get used to touching each other again. Flirt, compliment her. Wine and dine her in nice places. Take her dancing. Watch the sunset - all that romantic stuff. Hopefully that will get her interested. Unless the problem is physical.
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