A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't really like to talk about my past because I've done things that I'm not proud of. I spent a few years in counseling. I had a drinking problem and an anger problem. It all stemmed from an assault i experienced, as well as being in an abusive relationship for a couple years after the assault. There were times where I can honestly say I don't remember anything. I was promiscuous. I was reckless. I was unhappy for years, until things took a different turn. For the past 2 years, things have been a little tough, but compared to where I've been, I can say I'm content. I'm happy and optimistic for the future. Recently, I got into a relationship, but it's been at least 4 years since I've actually been involved seriously with anyone. This person and I have history. As a trust exercise, we exchanged passwords. Unknowingly, I had several old emails that were pretty telling of my past. Like I said, I'm not proud of it. But my boyfriend took all this information and decided that it's an indicator of my character and used it against me. So he tells me that I'm a slut and I'm not a good person, and for several days now, I've been pretty low. Perhaps I haven't fully dealt with my past. Perhaps I never will. Maybe he was just the wrong person. Maybe I am damaged goods. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Was he right to throw this in my face? He doesn't know the full extent of my past abuse, and some part of me wants him to know in the hopes that he'd sympathize with me. Part of me hopes that he'd give us another chance. Part of me says it's over and i don't deserve love. Part of me wonders if I can ever be a good person with these scars on me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2016): Actually I think I'll answer my own question. I was raped and then when the one person I was supposed to be able to trust started beating me, I lost myself. I had dark times and that part of my life is over, thank god. He has no right to be mad when he doesn't know how I felt. Thank you for your responses. They were all very much appreciated. Flames flicker in the wind but the strongest fires can be taken even further with the wind. I had a moment of weakness and your comments were insightful enough to bring me back to my senses.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (20 November 2016):
A lot of people react very badly to one's past. Some girls get very suspicious in their relationship and some men become extremely insecure. When partners learn about each other's past, it feels like it was just done yesterday, even though the event may have happened 10 years ago. Firstly, you don't need to exchange passwords to gain trust. Trust is something that will happen naturally over time. Time is the key factor.
Secondly, if you have had a questionable past, this is something you should let your partner know somewhat early in the relationship. It would be best to deal with it early on, than one finding out later. That person has just as much right to decide if they want to continue being with you, as you had as much right to do the things in your past.
That person might come around, but if not and if that person can not get over your past, then don't blame him for it, just end it and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 November 2016):
 I think he is a total ass, not just for throwing it in your face but for going through OLD PRIVATE e-mails to look for ammo. I find that a TOTAL deal breaker and it shows a LOT more of who HE is as a person than who you USED to be.
I'd end it with him because this is NOT going to be a healthy and positive relationship for you. HE will use your past to manipulate you and make you miserable JUST so he can have the "upper hand". WHAT a total douche canoe!
I so agree with N91 - learn from this. YOU DO NOT OWE a guy you are dating total transparency. YOU DO NOT OWE a guy you are dating free access to YOUR e-mail, facebook, whatever. IF a guy says he wants that.... it's because he wants ammo. Because let's face it, IF he trusted you and cared for you... he wouldn't have spend time going through 5+-year-old e-mails. Would he?
Learn to spot a "not good guy" by his actions, don't go by his words alone.
Change your passwords ASAP then end it. YOU DESERVE better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): You are both probably incompatible. It's like what happened with me and my ex. He was much older than me, and he had one night stands with strangers when he was younger. I have never had one night stands, and think it's disgusting to have sex with strangers. I could never get over that. I had only had sex with people I loved and was in love with and in a relationship with.Everyone has different views and morals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2016): I dont like the sound of this guy at all and I dont like the sound of this trust exercise.It is foolhardy to allow him your password and I think quite simply you gave him too much.You hoped he was a soulmate but he is not.The best thing you can say is that you were in a dark place when those things happened but you learned to move on.Now i suggest you change your password and your pin number and your locks if need be and be thankful that he was only a representation of what you wanted.Reclaim your life and yourself and realise that you survived those dark times for a reason!
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A
male
reader, N91  + ♥, writes (19 November 2016):
 No, he wasn't right to do that which makes me think that he's not a nice person. He's trying to make YOU feel bad, by being an asshole himself in the process. You deserve better than that.
Look, everyone has done things they're not proud of, it's those things in our past and how we deal with them define our character and the type of person we become in the future. You've sought help for your past problems and are working on getting over them, so good for you, you're making progress and this guy is making you feel like shit and you could possibly relapse because of this.
Learn from this, don't do any silly little trust exercises like this anymore, sounds like there were some trust issues in the first place for this to even arose. This relationship and guy doesn't sound healthy for you so if I were in your shoes I'd block him from your life and continue to move forward to get over your demons until you're feeling better again.
You should be in a relationship with someone who compliments your personality and builds you up, not the opposite.
Good luck
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