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Dont know if marriage can be saved

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2022) 2 Answers - (Newest, 16 July 2022)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am feeling so angry and hurt. I love my husband, as to why I still do, I really don't know. I want my children to have a household with both parents present. But is sacrificing my happiness worth it?

In my marriage there have been happy times. But i do feel like the hurtful times outweighs the happy. My husband cheated and it result in a child being born. I forgave him and he somewhat changed for the better.

However, I know I deserve much more. The child he had with his side, was born in 2019. I'm not certain the exact date. I believe it's February month end. Two years ago February 28th, I drank until I was tipsy. My husband came home drunk late that night and we argued and he left. The next day, I never heard from him. It was well over 24 hours and no contact. His phone was home. My father urged me to go and make a report to the police but I was ashamed and believed he was with his BM. I went and made the missing report and my father told me to tell the police about the BM. The police asked for her number and contacted her. She told him that my husband is good where he is and the last she saw him was the day before. The police officer then said he has to be right there with her. Eventually someone saw him by his mother neighbour's house. I went there. He was drunk. So he left home early late Friday night and I only got in contact with him the Monday. He still never came home. The Tuesday he apologized, came home and stated that he was at the neighbour's house whole weekend drinking and claimed that he was feeling really down. During that weekend, everytime my toddler heard the door opened, he came running calling daddy. It broke my heart. My children were happy their father was home.

I don't know if our marriage is able to be saved. What should i do?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (16 July 2022):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntCall me cynical but if there's one thing years of experience have taught me, it's that someone who says "he/she has done this, that, the other, BUT I STILL LOVE THEM" is highly unlikely to be at a stage where they are going to leave their partner. They are, instead, looking for reassurance that the relationship can be "fixed" and for ideas/guidance on how to do this.

Sadly, there is no magic wand to turn back time or make you two change. Let me tell you something which you really need to take on board: children do NOT want two parents who just live together. Children DO want two parents who are happy. If that means the parents need to split up, then that is something they will adjust to once they see how much happier their parents are.

The way you and your husband are acting around the children must be worrying and frightening for them, not to mention setting a very bad example of how family life should be. No child should witness their parents getting drunk and arguing/fighting. No child should have to worry about a parent disappearing and having to get the police involved to find them. No child should think this is acceptable or "normal" behaviour otherwise, guess what? They will treat their future partners in exactly the same way.

You are not ready to walk away from the marriage yet, so I will not even waste your time or mine by giving suggestions on this matter. When you reach a stage where you realize you are not being fair on your children by staying in this marriage, contact us again and, hopefully, someone can give advice and support.

I hope it is not to late and the damage has not already been done to your children.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 July 2022):

Honeypie agony auntWell, first of all, let's start with the obvious.

You are BOTH drinking around the kids? And then arguing?

Seems like you didn't FORGIVE him. You two just stuck that "babymomma and baby" under the rug.

Forgiveness means that you do NOT hold his actions against him but that you haven't forgotten. It also means that you CAN NOT bring it up as AMMO when you have fights. So you have NOT forgiven him (and I don't blame you, but sucking it up - his cheating, that is. IS not the same as forgiving it.

You are BOTH miserable. Is that why you drink? Why HE drinks?

Or was alcohol always a thing?

You two can fix this "marriage" with drinking and arguments and certainly not by storming off.

You two need some marriage counseling and some birth control - especially your husband!

Would you both consider marriage counseling? do you think it could help? Same for individual counseling.

If so, do it. Try it.

Your husband took a wrecking ball to your marriage. He didn't only CHEAT he MADE a child (so he had unprotected sex with another woman). This means he also put your family in a financial dilemma. Because he WILL have to pay HER child support and THAT is money that goes away from YOUR children and your family.

While I absolutely get the "stay for the kids" - you two are perhaps causing more HARM than good by staying together in a marriage with NOt trust, NO respect, and NO love. THIS is what your kids will see. And "monkey see - monkey do" They will see how a man treats a woman and how a woman treats a man. They will think the drinking and screaming is normal. That Daddy running off and going NC is normal.

Is that really something your KIDS need to see? To be raised around? All this emotional misery?

As someone who was raised by two parents where my dad cheated on my mom SEVERAL times - I wished (back then) that my mom had had the courage to LEAVE him and have a MUCH better life (at least emotionally) without him. And yes, I think my mom would have had a MUCH MUCH better life if she had divorced my Dad. I think my brother and I would have had a LOT less emotional and relationship baggage too.

Just some food for thought.

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