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Do I chose between 2 men that don't have all the qualities I want or wait for the whole package?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 December 2020) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2021)
A female India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Okay, so I am knee deep into online dating right now apart from the matrimonial search my parents are on.

Until now I have either fallen in love in accidental ways or intensely dated one person at a time. I don't have enough experience to observe my own pattern of making decisions. Retrospectively, my past relationships indicate the same pattern.

But recently, I've noticed my patterns in preferences, while swiping and conversing. I have been looking for men of similar intellectual bent of mind, thinking, educational and cultural background etc. But here's a problem : A major one- While talking to two different guys: One who seems similar, i can relate with, acceptable to my family and I can be great friends with--- and another that is not of much mental compatibility but I'm so sexually attracted to!!! When I'm considering several men at a time as prospects and conversing I noticed my bias and realized why I've been unhappy in earlier relationships. I seem to get very sexually drawn into men who are not 'compatiable' and those who ARE compatiable, I tend to share only companionship.

This guy I'm attracted to (sexually and emotionally) is not exactly 'smart' enough to have good conversations with me. He is emotionally compatible (romantic, loyal committed type) and very alpha (which is what attracts me sexually). If I date him further, I am sure I'll get involved, get attached but when the time to make the ultimate move of commitment (marriage) I would make my own excuses for a break up and end it (and this is not intentional- because only when I compared the two men and thought why in the world am I not able to get the hots for this guy that's right for me, I analyzed how things would go if I dated either).

On one hand- a person with whom there's a wavelength. With whom I'd enjoy the company, conversation and can relate to. The other- someone who is way less evolved and exposed, cannot have my level/quality of conversations but rather small talk and regular banter..but then I can't stop thinking of him sexually and romantically (including a future life together). But the marital thing stops with fantasy/imagination and when time comes to execute this fantasy I might actually run away from it! This way I would never end up with anyone and it scares me!

Do I wait for someone who will come along and make me feel everything at once? Or should I accept my sexual preferences to men whom I cant have great companionship with and sort of give this a try? He is quite a sincere guy and I do not want to end up hurting him (myself too- because I seem to put myself in a conflict due to the attraction and then suffer later).

I wish to be attracted to a guy who's right for!

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A male reader, NoodlyCatastrophe Canada +, writes (1 January 2021):

NoodlyCatastrophe agony auntKenny pretty much nailed it in his first line. "All dating really is, is a learning curve." Sorry, grammar and spelling correction. ?

I used to say this a lot in one form or another...


What do you think dating is? People often mistake dating as the end-all-be-all of your romantic adventure. To many people date on some linear fashion. They date one person at a time, taking up that precious time in some long-drawn-out idea that 'THIS PERSON HAS TO BE THE ONE PERSON!'

Alas, dating shouldn't be about whether this one person might work for you or not. Dating is when you're trying to figure out what you want out of a romantic, intimate, and sexual connection. Whether you're ready for what you think you want right now, versus what you really want right now. Dating is to find out whether your dates are worthy of your time and effort, but even less than that, dating is for you to figure out what tickles your senses and what doesn't. So date as often, as much, with as many people as you can. Until you connect with someone that wows you enough AND give you a sense of emotional stability that you might desire.

In short, don't wait. Go out there and explore. When I met my wife way back in 2010, I was dating three other women and had a friend with benefits on the side. It wasn't until the end of 2011 that I realized Amber was the one who encompassed everything I want. She isn't the model of perfection. She didn't need to. All that mattered was that somehow, our connection was dynamically strong with all of the various traits each of us had.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2020):

waiting for right time and right person will be the good result, attractions always force to fall but ultimately lead in trouble.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020):

There are two major fallacies people dating these days are guilty of. They lack patience and discernment. There is no prudence, and they try to decide things with their genitals or hormones. They're in some kind of hurry! They base their choices on strange criteria.

"If I get aroused, then he/she must be the one!" That nonsensical notion of "love at first-sight!" Hello! You can use that same twisted-logic and rationalization for one-night stands! Oh, and that stupid Hallmark-card invented nonsense about "soulmates!" God did not create the soul to be tied to anyone else's. The soul and spirit belongs to God; and everything else you have is shared with those you love. Even God recognizes that the "flesh becomes one" when people are joined in marriage, but that's all folks! Nevermind unbelievers, you won't get this part!

I don't know where these ridiculous notions come from. I guess the total reliance on social media as opposed to common sense and proven-fact being the best foundation/source of reason and good-judgement is almost totally overlooked. Thus, these days conspiracy-theory is chosen over fact; because a lie makes people feel better. Believing the worse about something or someone you don't like can be embraced by a vast group of people. If everybody says it, it must be true. It doesn't matter if it isn't true; as long as it reinforces a chosen ideology, agenda, or prejudice. That's all that matters! Love and romance falls in there too! "Tell me what I want to hear!" If someone says "I love you!"... that's all she wrote!!! Throw all caution and common-sense out the window! The "L-word" has been spoken!

Getting back to my your genitalia behaves in the presence of another person is not a good indicator of whether or not a person is good for you. It only means you're horny! Considering virgins and people who abstain from sex until marriage can still make a good or solid romantic-connection; based on mutual-chemistry, compatibility, and a match in overall values or morals. Some things in or about people will grow on us; and we must take other criteria into consideration to develop physical-attraction and emotional-attachment. That lasts! This require time, trust, and making a reasonable evaluation of the character of your love-interest. The foolish-heart overlooks these things; because it hates being managed or slowed-down by wisdom and judgement. It would rather take the risk now, and pay the consequences later! The blind-approach is the worst approach to life...EVER!!! Especially, when it comes to love!

Lets dispel another common misconception. Chemistry encompasses more than physical-attraction and sexual-arousal. It's a sense of draw which makes us gravitate towards a person; and a sudden desire to get to know everything we can about them. A need to reveal the best things within and about ourselves we hope will attract them; and encourage them to pursue an experimentation in finding common-ground, and to form a romantic-bond that can withstand time and the wear and tear of life's challenges. Fertile-ground for love to grow upon; nourished by trust and kindness.

If you use this approach, you might find you'll have to be more methodical and deliberate about seeking a match. Who has the time these days to be methodical? In an age of microwave-expedience and instant-gratification? Well, there are still those meticulous enough to take their time; because they want to get it right. Not to say they won't make mistakes or choose the wrong people. That's a hit or miss proposition. It depends on trial and error; and that's where patience and perseverance has to be initiated. This is a fact you'll eventually learn in life. You will meet and find more than one person good for you. You may have several successful relationships in a single lifetime. I have, so I can make this point based on personal-experience. It doesn't happen all at one-time with several people; as some will try to argue. It will happen in different intervals in your life. If you lose one, don't give-up. It is possible, and probable, you'll find another. Grief and loss will lie and tell you otherwise; but the truth will prevail. Evidenced by the fact someone will come along again and steal your heart, and give you theirs. Love is not an "once-in-a-lifetime only" experience, sweetheart! No-one is irreplaceable. If you choose to stop searching, that's a personal-choice. Being single for life is absolutely fine. Don't believe the false-notion that it's lonely. If you have God in your life, a loving-family, and true-friends; you will not know loneliness. Yet on some occasions you will. Such is life!

In the high-tech era, everybody wants what they want "yesterday!" They tire and give-up much too quickly and too easily. Rushed by imaginary timetables and the proverbial "biological-clock!" One failed-relationship means failure for life to some folks! Envy in knowing all your friends or siblings have found love or marriage, but not you! The truth be told, it's mainly impulsiveness, impetuousness, and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement!" I want what I want, and I want it now!" Let's not discount plain-old stupidity. Mindless-choices and impulsiveness out of sheer impatience!!!

Such a sense of urgency leads to a series of gaffs, profound mistakes, and traumatizing failures. Followed-up with trust-issues, insecurities, and blood-curdling cynicism. Bitterness that runs so deep it's irrational and toxic! Read DC and you'll see what I mean!

Here's another misguided notion. "I'm such a great catch, a total trophy, God's gift to humanity; yet nobody recognizes the fact!" Oh to the contrary! Such great attributes speak for themselves, and they project outwardly; because God gave them to you, and He will guide the right people to you like a beacon in a storm. At the same time, dark and ugly creatures are also drawn to the light.

Impatience makes us want someone or something so badly; that we'll only see what we want to see, and overlook what we don't. Thus, even the best of us make bad-choices. Rather than taking our time to make sure what we see and perceive is actually real, not just imagined; because we "just gotta have him or her!" I'm speaking from experience; because I've been there and done that. I had to learn. Now I've got to pass-on what I've learned; and save people some heartache, money, and time. Not everyone benefits or listens to prudent advice, some have to learn through pain.

Life prepares us through challenges and obstacles. God will put us through trials to strengthen, refine us (as in the purifying of precious metals), and train us for battle. Life is a battle, sweetheart! You've got to have survival-skills; because you're dealing with human nature. It can kill you, if you can't defend yourself! The good Lord equips us for battle; and He is instrumental in guiding us towards the right people to stand beside us in battle. It takes time to find a ride-or-die partner; and you may have to try-out several contenders to get to the right-one. Be patient! Your parents are your back-up plan, but your own perseverance is what you have to depend upon.

I wish you the best, and I hope I have been of help to you.

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A female reader, EmmyApple United States +, writes (30 December 2020):

You need to choose someone with compatible beliefs/values, compatible personality, honesty, strengths that complement your weaknesses, someone you feel comfortable sharing your secrets with, a good communicator, and someone who is committed to working out problems and disagreements without becoming angry or aggressive. If there is a little bit of sexual attraction there, that’s enough. Don’t make the decision based on sexual attraction alone. That attraction will fade over time, but marriage is forever. You need a partner who is your best friend and companion, not just a sex object.

Remember that bodies change over time. Both men and women typically gain weight in their 30s. If your relationship is based on sexual attraction, you will be in trouble if either one of you become fat. Your relationship needs to be based on deeper things. I’m not as attracted to my husband as I used to be. We have both put on weight since getting married. This happens to most couples. Your bodies will change as you settle down. We are both overweight now and sex is not as exciting or comfortable as it used to be. His large beer belly is quite a turn off for me. He’s out of shape so he tires easily in bed and doesn’t have the stamina he used to have. But guess what? We find ways to make it work. I learn what he likes and try to give him pleasure even if he’s a bit lazy in bed. He does the same for me. As long as you are both committed to each other, you can make it work.

I would love to have a fit, athletic, muscular man but let’s be realistic. I don’t have a supermodel’s body. So why would I expect my husband to have that kind of body? If your body is average, why are you unsatisfied with an average looking man? If you want a supermodel, you need to have a supermodel’s body yourself. But that will be very difficult to maintain especially as you get older. Your body will change and so will your partner’s body. But hopefully your friendship and companionship will last a lifetime if it’s built on a solid foundation.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 December 2020):

Honeypie agony auntSexual attraction is good to have but it's hardly a be all, end all. Whereas having someone who is on your own level intellectually, perhaps spiritually too, share same norms and values with will more likely last the years, where as sexual attraction dies down over time.

Besides sex is just a part of a marriage. What are you going to do with a partner with whom you can't really converse in a manner that challenges you, excites you and engages you? That the only time you really connect with your spouse is in the bedroom? Don't you think that would get old hat REAL fast?

Maybe what you haven't quite found what you are looking for. Yet. Why settle?

Are you in a hurry to be married?

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A male reader, kenny United Kingdom + , writes (30 December 2020):

kenny agony auntAll dating is really a leaning curve. I think you would be better trusting your heart feelings.

Don't be influenced by feelings of lust as this is impermanent and does not last forever.

The first guy is someone who fits what you are looking for and would be more compatible for a lasting relationship, even marriage.

The second guy does not have any attributes that you are looking for, other than a strong sexual desire. If you got with him you will find that all you have is good sex, and the relationship will be lacking in other area's. Sooner or later this strong sexual attraction will dissipate and the relationship will have nothing going for it.

Sex with the first guy may not be as good, but its is something you can work on over time. And later on in life you will still be able to have intellectual conversations.

I would stop thinking about this too much, sometimes the more we keep analysing everything the more difficult dating becomes, and the more idiosyncrasy's we find in people.

Go by your feelings and what your heart tells you and not your head. If something feels right then go for it. Just remember that the second guy you refer to is purely lust and sexual desire related, and this emotion is short lived. The first guy would be a lot more compatible for you. But that's just what I think.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2020):

You will have to compromise one day, not necessarily with these two guys you have mentioned.

Make sure that you know what your priorities are an be honest about it.

My sister and I are polar opposites. She was always looking for someone who's already "a finished product". You see, our dada left us, so she kept looking for a guy who's already successful in his line (she kept looking for artists, our dad was one, no surprises there) of work and has money. She got burned so many times, because she wasn't honest with herself. You cannot tolerate someone being unfaithful just because he's well known and well off.

I liked different guys for different reasons, but the one I married is someone whose faults do not drive me nuts (and vice versa). I wouldn't mind being broke or ill with him, as the vows go. Actually we were already all that. Broke and ill.

The pandemic hasn't changed our relationship, if anything it made us stronger.

So pick someone whose bad traits you can live with and with whom you wouldn't mind finding yourself on the down side of advantage at times. because bad times happen and you need a partner. Someone honest and trustworthy. Money is not a guarantee for hapiness.

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