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Can't say anything to my friend about my attraction to her... Or can I?

Tagged as: Friends, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2006) 3 Answers - (Newest, 10 August 2006)
A female , anonymous writes:

I am absolutely crazy about my friend. Don't want to lose her so can't tell her. She has told me so many times that people have mistaken her for a lesbian. She has had a few relationships with men, which she says she was never happy in, or in love with any of them. I feel like she is attracted to me but then sometimes think thats just wishful thinking!

When we meet up I feel that we're both nervous wrecks (almost like teenagers) which we most certainly are not. Somebody please help!!

View related questions: lesbian

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2006):

I think you should bite the bullet and tell her. I mean, do you ant to spend the rest of your life wondering 'what if?' I had the same feelings for a friend of mine, never said anything, and now he's taken by someone else. If you have a solid friendship, it shouldn't affect ghins too much.

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A female reader, doublethink +, writes (31 July 2006):

doublethink agony auntWhen she says (loads of times) people have mistaken her for a lesbian, do you think she's trying to tell you that she really, really isn't a lesbian, so don't get any ideas, or is it a way of bringing up the topic, so it's open for discussion, without making any bold statement about her sexuality?

Have you asked her if she is a lesbian? What she says is telling you she isn't, but if you're getting signals to the contrary then I wouldn't necessarily trust that. next time she mentions being mistaken for a lesbian, why not just ask 'And are you?' Said the right way, either of you could laugh it off if it gets too heavy.

Risking a straight (!) answer here, she sounds a little like me and my girlfriend - very close, neither of us happy in previous straight relationships, occasionally awkward due to high-running emotions. We've been together for years now so it could be worth a try. Then again, don't let wishful thinking wreck things for you.

Is there another mutual friend whom you could ask about your friend - whether anyone else thinks she might be gay?

In the end, this one comes down to whether it's killing you being crazy about her more than it would kill you to be honest with her and risk the friendship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006):

First off - this is not necessary a lesbian/straight issue, but a friend/more-than-friends issue.

It is hard, because you're such good friends you don't want to lose that, yet there is this attraction and if it were to work out, then your best friend could also be your lover and that would be amazing.

I look at it this way - friends are there forever, lovers are there for the meantime. Sometimes, lovers can turn into long-term relationships, but if given teh choice between jeopardizing a best-friendship, I would stick with the friends, and keep masturbating and fantasizing.

There are other things you don't mention. Are you out? Does she know you're a lesbian? If yes, then if she's a lesbian or bi-, she will approach you if you put out the usual signals. If you are not out, then if she's attracted to you, she may not want to offend you by approaching.

Consider this all and take your time making your decision - remember that great friends are important. Don't act too quickly to satisfy your libido, but jeopardize the friendship.

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